Maybe you are right,
Maybe I have already chosen you.

Maybe I did since the first time we kissed.
Maybe every time you have comforted me when I cry in front of you.
Or every time I see you smile.
Maybe even before I met you.

But the pending question is,
will you choose me?

I’m sorry, I’m sorry I am not gonna make it to our dinner plans on Saturday. I had something else to do.

I’m sorry I am not gonna make it to the party on Friday. I had something else to do.

I’m sorry I am not gonna make you breakfast on Sunday. I had something else to do.

And what I’m mostly sorry for is I am not gonna be able to kiss you tonight love or the night after that, or the night after that, I had to go and I couldn’t say goodbye.

I don't know if you sat down next to each other in the metro
I don't know if you danced with no space between you two
I don't know if you kissed on top of the Rockefeller
I don't know if you gave her a letter too

I don't know if you held hands
Or if you took a cute picture at the MoMa
I don't know if she laid down next to you and touched you the way I did
I don't know if you kissed her goodbye too

I actually don't know what you two could have done because probably there's things you did that I can't imagine, all I know is what I wish I have done if I was there with you in New York

Maybe you needed somebody that was willing to wait for you and maybe I needed someone that wasn't, that couldn't wait to be tightly close to me.

This is the other letter, the one you're never gonna read, the side B.

First thing I wanna say: I am a sucker for your accent, I felt strongly attracted to you physically but I also liked your writing, your drawings, your sense of humor... you just saw life in a different way than I do.

Meeting you made me realize that I don't want someone that feels like it's there but it isn't, someone that would want not to be seen with me as often because of what people may think. I don't want someone that spends a lot of time in its own head, someone that really doesn't wanna be with me but somehow feels forced or acts on "not to be a bad person".

Meeting you made me angry, and I'm understanding why, I felt like you admired me but you didn't love me the way I wanted to, you didn't love me, period, and also you didn't let me help you, help you with what? To be less isolated, less in a bad mood, less having a bad time, but that was not for me to try and fix.

But what I realized the most, what made me upset & even resentful, was the fact that I felt I didn't put limits, that once again I spent too much time with someone that wasn't what I deserved (or more like it wasn't what I wanted?). That I somehow ended up having expectations of what you would mean to me and what I would mean to you. I knew you weren't thinking about me, writing about me, yet here I was choosing you. And all of this also tells me I should give myself a break for wanting to explore a different type of relationship, because this is my favorite way of learning, by trying it myself.

You are not a bad neither a good person, you're just a person, as I am too, that is living with whatever it's been learning through this 20 something years of existence and we happened to find each other on a rainy day.




P.S. I still keep the memories.

You gotta see things from another perspective in order to aprecciate what & who you have... to figure out what you want to do, where you want to live & who you wanna be with.

Don't ignore the eager to run away, to experiment, get lost, connect with people, explore places. Escape... Go!
Right now is the perfect time to do things that make you feel complete & joyful because these young years are the best to do so. To choose the life you want to live.

I don't want my life to pass me by without having the chance to actually living it.
It's a scary thought to leave, but it's even scarier to stay in the exact same place where you are no longer happy.

Right now it's hard for me to imagine living another life different than it is now, because it's been like this for 9 years now, but I can't help to have this feeling of me not fitting here anymore, at least not for now.
I want to leave so I can take distance from everyone & everything, so I can see if this is the life I want to be living or it's the life I suddenly found myself living but not choosing.
Don't worry, don't rush into leaving, when you're ready you'll feel it in every bone.

This moment right here is where there's nothing and no one holding me back... it's just me waking up.