{You may not have been my first love, but you were the love that made all the other loves irrelevant.}
- rupi kaur

When I think of you,
I get this overwhelming feeling in my chest. May-
be you feel it too. I am not
crazy, for I have
searched for something like this. My
third attempt, and here you are. First,
we must “get to know each other”, my love.

I hear what you’re saying, but
I cannot love
you, it is not possible. Were
you really that dumb? To think the
handsome boy would love
you? What ever you felt, that
was not real. See, I made
you. I made you love all
that there was to see. The
other guys that chased after you? The others
would have been a better choice. Loves
a funny thing, it’s really just irrelevant.

{Stay i whispered, as you shut the door behind you.}
-rupi kaur

All I ever wanted was for him to stay,
stay and never leave, I
believe that we were toxic for each other. When i whispered
into the night. Walking away as
if it were the only thing you
knew how to do. “Shut
up and listen to me when I talk to you.” The
anger that poured out of my mouth, as if an open door.
But you did go, and you left me behind.
I never thought I’d hate someone, the way I hate you.

I never wanted to stay
with her, all the pain that i
caused her. The way she whispered
in the night. As
if a warning. “You
never loved me.” The last words I heard before I shut
it all out. I needed to escape the
one thing that was good for me. I put up a door
and left it locked. I left you behind,
I will never stop loving you.

The clock strikes midnight,
The same way it did last month,
When you took your last breath…
And everyday after that.

Chipping paint that peels from the walls,
Like the way you pulled from my arms.
A seat in the corner, worn-out and tired,
From many sleepless nights.

It still rocks back and forth,
The way you did as you comforted me.
But no more.
You’re gone.

The heater revs up
With heat and fire,
Like your motorcycle,
Now sitting in that ditch.

Regrets of that night,
The words that escaped my mouth.
“I hate you”
Just like I hate the silence that now fills this room.
It’s not fair.

I should have said I love you,
Holding you closer and burrowing my face,
In the crook of your neck,
Instead of this blanket, replacing your presence.

“Good. I hate you too.”
Words colder than the air outside,
Finding it’s way through an open window.
Your sister called, told me everything was my fault.

“If he never loved you..”
Maybe it was all a mistake,
Just like it was when I picked these god awful curtains.
I hate them.

The clock ticks, another hour going by.
Time passing slowly, almost frozen.
Yet with you… It went by fast.
Our time was alive.

So, so you think you can tell.
Heaven from hell.

Flower crowns and hanging art, fill the walls of the room.
Bright colors surround her, like a tie dyed kaleidoscope.
Pictures of friends and families sit on a bookshelf,
While trophies from past poetry contests line in.

Blue skies from pain.

Her long hair bounces, to a familiar Pink Floyd tune.
Rosemary scents fill the room, matches burning the coated bamboo.
As the smoke leaves behind a trail,
Her eyes scan over the wood floor.

Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?

Once new and polished, now splintered from the years.
Nails sticking out, causing many accidental cuts.
She runs her rough hands over the broken boards,
Her chewed nails exposed, chipped polish barely covering them.

Do you think you can tell?

Memories flood in as she lifts the floorboard, revealing a rose pendant,
The worn, brassy one that her mother passed down to her.
Closing her hands over it, she feels a sudden breeze.
Soon, two hands wrap around hers.

Did they get you to trade your heroes for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?

Not ones to be seen, but more as clarity,
Proving that her mother is there.  
Reminders of laughs and staying up all night,
Singing along to whatever old 70s song was filling the air.

Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?

Dancing like “pros”, even though,
They both new that they weren’t.
But in their minds,
They were whatever they wanted to be.

And did you exchange

A relationship many would fight for, not easily found.
An almost perfect life.
Mother and daughter.
Connection so strong, separated by a driver and glass shards.

A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

Soft, loving hands replaced with cold, hard ones.
As she clasped hers over the picture frame.
A frame revealing a man,
Not her father, but close enough.

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

A story with no happy ending, instead long nights of endless yelling.
Smoke trails flood in with the last puff of his cigarette.
Alcohol camouflages his minty breath as he comes in closer.
The tears that streamed down her face, and a red sting on her cheek.

We're just two lost souls, swimming in a fishbowl
Year after year, running over the same old ground.

His eyes, so brown and dark, they turned black.
A side of him no one knows, unleashed,
With the help of the poison,
Burning his throat.

And how we found, the same old fears.

She can feel tears starting to fall,
Shaking her head to make the memories disappear.
But no matter how hard she tried,
They were there to stay.

Wish you were here.