I'm writing this
To remember that night
I'm writing this
Because I don't want to forget
The way your face lit up
The way you smiled
The way you fell asleep
How confident I felt
Yet how unsure
But more importantly
Is what came before
You arm around me
Your head on my shoulder
Your knee touching mine
Feeling wanted
By you
Feeling wanted
Oh, how I do...

The worst of all enemies is in my head
She does not wear a mask or look like a monster
In fact, she is beautiful
Far more beautiful than I am, as she constantly reminds me
She is smarter, sexier, funnier, calmer, more confident than I am
As she constantly reminds me
She knows what everyone else really thinks of me
She knows what they say when I'm not there to hear it
And she's always there to remind me of the silly things I might've said
She doesn't have to hide behind baggy sweatshirts
No, she wears whatever she wants, and always looks beautiful
She doesn't smile very much, but that's because she hates me
"Like everyone else does" she likes to remind me
It's hard to silence her
She especially likes to visit me when I'm alone
Likes to scream at me when I'm curled in bed
Her words as dark as the night around me
She likes to keep me up a lot
When I could be sleeping, dreaming, she reminds me of all the wrong I've done today
How I could've been so much better
But of course, how I never will be
It doesn't matter how late we stay up, she can keep going for hours
But sometimes I've noticed that she doesn't visit me the morning after
When I fall asleep in class, she's nowhere to be found
Which is good, because that's been happening a lot lately
The only way to keep her at bay
Well, not the only way
Me and this other girl in my head, we've found some ways
But the other me, she's young
Not as smart or cool or experienced as she is
That's okay
I like her a lot more
She's quiet, but she pipes up now and again
She usually has nice things to say
Or nothing at all
Which is probably why she doesn't speak up too much
"Not too many nice things with you, are there?" she'd remind me
But the little girl
She hangs out when I'm tired
Reminds me of when I was little
How I could get lost in a book
I've started reading again
She doesn't like that
"Only losers sit inside and read books. But I guess you don't have friends anyway"
Well, that's okay
The little girl reminds me how the sky looks at night
And we go running together
Slow at first, then faster
Then we venture out in the day
She's happy for me
She's not
But the little girl is helping me
She's a little louder now, a little bolder
She argues with her
Sometimes they fight so loud I can hardly stand it
And I stand dazed, eyes glazed, until one of them wins
Lately, she's been losing
Tonight she won a battle
But we're going to win the war

I just become a mess when other people are involved
What is it about this combination of cells that destroys me so thoroughly?
It's the same as my own
We aren't so different, these other humans and myself
Yet I fear them all so thoroughly
They all have the power to make or break me
And I mean break me
Leave me a crumbled mess for months, years
Leave me questioning every thought, word, action I spill forth into the world, wondering when will I next be judged?!
They all leave me with something
And I worry it's getting worse, as I meet more and more of these humans
They're so cruel
They peer at me with their cold, dark, eyes and their harsh voices fill my ears long after they've left
The words of things they've possibly thought and never said linger in my mind
The true meaning behind their sentences haunt my conscious
I am at the mercy of their words
At the mercy of such pitiful, cruel, creatures
Creatures who laugh and joke and play with one another,
Before snarling at others behind their back
Oh yes, people can be cruel they say
I know all about that

Oh my darling.
My beautiful, tearing-at-the-seams darling.
You're still breathing.
You still have every shaking gasping breath,
Willing you to stay alive.
You don't have to choke.
These tears making a salty ocean on your face,
Just lie back.
Don't fight it.
You won't drown this way.
The rivers and streams of precious blood
Pumping through your body
Pumping liquid hope,
Every pint of your blood can save three people.
You are a walking miracle,
A crawling savior,
Don't let the blood leak from your wrists tonight.
Take a deep breath
Even if it trembles.
Find reasons to live.
Reasons to love yourself.
Even if you hate
Every single ******* pore in your body right now.
You are allowed to be a no-show
At the holding-it-together parade.
Fall apart tonight
And get stitched back up.
I'm praying that the stitches
Will be holding together your hope,
Not your wrists.

I hate that I'm always trying to fit myself into a box
I get so frustrated with myself
Trying to be what everyone wants me to be
A different version of myself for every friend, lover, family member, stranger
It doesn't matter
I want to please everyone
But you can't please everyone
I can't
And I can't stand it
Why can't I be exactly what you need?
Because I can only be me
Me
Who am I?
Such a cliched question
I always thought I knew who I was
But lately, I'm never sure
Am I sarcastic and hardworking and cheerful, like the girl at work?
Am I silly and jokey and fun, like the girl with my friends?
Am I quiet and thoughtful and sweet, like the girl at school?
Am I **** and nerdy and fun, like the girl that's with you?
Who am I?
I'm all of these things
All of these things at different times and at the same time and it's making me crazy
I can't even write good poetry
That's how crazy it's making me
And you know what the worst part is?
None of it's good enough
I feel like so few people truly love me
So I'm trying so hard to be these different people and I'm falling short every time
So what I really need to do....
Is to stop trying

I fell down, but I'm back on my feet
And I'll remember, the next time that we meet
That strangers who kiss you aren't always so sweet
And sometimes it hurts to be swept off your feet

Now things are starting to feel familiar again
Desperation, insecurity, fear
Those are the feelings I associate with romance
So ah, yes, those feelings are coming back
Why?
I feel so pathetic
I need constant reassurance
No one should have to give that
I barely even know you
I have to remember that
This isn't life or death
We'll move on
I'll move on
I've done this before
And even though I'm getting a little tired
Of always ending up on the floor
I'll get up again
Like I always do
And I'll try again
Like I always do
And we'll see if, this time, something finally changes