It's funny
I never thought of myself as a closed door
But when you walked after me,
I wanted to build a wall between us
I wanted to run as fast as I could away from you,
and all your possibilities
I realized I've been so afraid of the bad,
I've refused to let in the good
Better to be have never loved than to have loved and been rejected, right?
I would always say no, but I don't always model my own principles
Clearly
And I think I've been so worried that you would consume me,
that I'd rather you never even know me
So much easier to stay home on a Friday night, dreaming of what might have been
Than finding out for myself in a dimly lit garage
So much easier
But so much more lonely
And you know, I'm really trying to be braver
I'm going to be myself
Or I'm going to try
I can only do so much at once, you know?
I think it's enough that I even met someone like you
Even if nothing more happens...
I did something I've never done before
Something I've only daydreamed about...
And it didn't completely blow up in my face (yet)
But maybe if it does,
I won't give up this time
Because there's a lot of room for improvement here,
and a lot of room for hope
And I finally did something outside my comfort zone
Traveled to a world outside of teacups and sadness and best friends and blankets and layers of grey and envy and warm fireplaces and sisters and insecurities piled high with the books around my bed
I've gone somewhere else now
And it hasn't all been horrible
Sure, there have been disappointments, as I knew there would be
But there have also been great surprises
You even noticing me was a great surprise
I surprised myself
I just don't want to lose myself
I don't want to get hurt
I'm so terrified of getting hurt
That's what freezes my fingers when I try to say hello
But I'm trying to thaw myself out
I'll get there one day
I swear to god I will



The ice is slowly melting

I am a tantalizing combination
Of shifting eyes and shallow breathing
Twitching hands and nervous laughter,
Oozing, gaping, wounds & barely healing scars
I can't help it if I flinch when I meet your eyes
If I draw back when you reach out to me
It's ingrained in my being
Don't trust anyone
Because those eyes may be blue and beautiful,
but poisonous flowers can be beautiful too
And a hand reaching out may not seem like a threat,
but I've seen fingers turn to claws more times than I can count
After all, I have these scars for a reason, you know
They didn't appear there on their own
Well, some did maybe
Self-inflicted wounds from my own personal array of beastly qualities
But the rest are a result,
Of a world coated in lovely, poisonous people
People who speak quicker than they think or don't bother to think at all
People with masks built so intricately, you can't tell where the real person ends & begins
People with claws for hands and battering rams for heads
People with venomous tongues and acidic eyes
In a world where beauty is not equivalent to goodness,
And in fact beauty often equates violence,
One can't be too careful
When meeting beautiful, blue eyes like yours

"So fill your head with what's important; leave out all the rest"
Leave out the doubts
Leave out the mind-numbing fear
Leave out the heartbreak
Leave out the betrayal
Leave out the feelings of worthlessness
Leave out the hatred
Leave out the anger
Leave out the paranoia
Leave out the voices in your head telling you you're better off dead
Leave out the voices altogether
Leave out the endless circling thoughts
Leave out the anxiety
Leave out the worry
Leave out the panic
Leave out the fear of things you can't control
Leave out your self-hate
Leave out sadness
Leave out the dreams of dying
Leave out the bottle of pills
Leave out the endless binging
Leave out the dreams of reduction
Leave out the ones who hurt you
Leave out the ones who hurt you, intentional or not
Leave out the ones who don't care about you
Leave out the ones who don't understand you
Leave out the ones who don't listen
Leave out the ones who never will
Leave out the ones who don't love you
And stop trying to make them
I know it sounds hard
Sweetie, I know it's so hard
I know that you're mind is in a twisted, messed-up tango
I know you can't separate good thoughts from bad thoughts anymore
So here's a little reminder of what to leave out
And what to keep
Keep the love
Keep the hope
Keep the endless possibilities
Keep the books
Keep the cats
Keep the dogs
Keep the soft chairs and warm blankets and tea
Keep reading
Keep running
Keep learning
Keep talking
Keep listening
Keep watching tv shows and movies that make you happy, or make you think
Keep the memories of your heroes in the forefront of your mind
Keep yourself
Keep yourself and choose yourself
Keep the girl you really are, and stop trying to smother her
Keep fighting
Keep holding on
Keep swimming
Keep laughing
Keep loving
Keep trying
Keep the people who love you close
Keep your friends close
Keep hope alive
And most importantly,
My dear, sweet girl
Keep living
And don't give up

I feel like I'm losing my mind

This time, you're not surprised
Although you think they'd go hand and hand
(Twin thoughts in a twisted mind)
"I want to die"
come much later than
"I hate myself"
Because somehow you can hate yourself,
But still want to live
You still want to get better
Now, you're not even sure you hate yourself
You just want to stop existing
I want to die
Just something, anything, to stop the pain
You don't exactly crave death...
You crave nonexistence
Nothingness
Black.
Empty.
Nothing.
You just want to pass out
Anything to escape for a little while
So why not...
A bottle of pills?
Escape for a long while
Hair dryer in the bathtub?
Carried out on gentle waves of steam
You just want to stop thinking
Anythinganythinganythinganything
to stop the thoughts
Never ending has taken on a whole new meaning
Because truly, it's your thoughts that are limitless
I want to die
You just want to stop thinking, really
So you sleep a lot
That's the first step
You always want to be sleeping
But suddenly it's nearly impossible to sleep
So you're tired all the time
But you still can't stop thinking
I want to die
Anything to escape
Dear god, you just want it all to stop
All the heartache, the disappointments
Hopes raised and dropped again
People who always let you down
Always letting yourself down
Everyone and everything is hopeless
We're all so ****** up
There's no point in even trying anymore
And your life seems so pointless
You're not going anywhere
Doing anything
Meeting anyone
You're bored with everything
Nothing sounds exciting anymore
You used to have these dreams, you know?
You used to feel
You used to feel everything
You used to have these crazy hopes and desires and dreams
Moving to New York, going to school, living on your own
You were such a day-dreamer
You had so much hope
What happened?
...
You don't really dream anymore
You just have nightmares
So you're either panicked&anxious;&tense;&sweating;
(With nerves shot and hands shaking)
Or your listless&bored;&lifeless;&waiting;
(With dead eyes and a fake smile)
There's nothing to look forward to
You see your future, and you see a blank
You've lost hope
I want to die
And man, it's not like you want to make anyone sad
You know your mom would cry
But it's really hard to live a life
where all you want to do is cry
And more than that;
it's really hard to live a life
when you already feel like your dying

It's shocking, the first time you think it
Because you've lived a pretty normal life until now,
but as soon as you've thought it, you're changed
Maybe it's because you've been fighting this...
realization for a while
Because you've heard people say they "hate themselves,"
and you've thought that was the saddest thing you've ever heard
And now
Now you're one of them
The breath kind of leaves your chest,
like you've spoken the words instead of just thinking them
It's a little like you're in shock
Because wow, you knew you were sad, but is it really this bad?
Yeah, it is
It's actually this bad
I hate myself
And then you can't stop repeating it
Over and over and over in your mind
Then you're saying it out loud, in a whisper
Barely letting your thoughts touch the air
Your black, smoky, aching thoughts
The voices in your head that tell you you're a miserable waste of space
Good for nothing
Fat ***
Loser
I hate myself
And why shouldn't you?
Everyone else hates you anyway
Might as well join the crowd
They all think you're
annoying,
weird,
FAT
Suddenly you're gasping for breath
And you can hardly breathe because of all the thoughts you're thinking
God you just want to jump out of your own skin
Out of this body that you despise
And you want to apologize to everyone you've ever known
Because you're so sorry they've had to deal with you all these years
Years of your existence
You're such a burden
You can't even hate yourself all alone, can you?
No, you have to run to someone else
Burden them with your hate
Because of course they feel bad for you,
they're all good people
But you don't even deserve their pity
God, just leave them alone!
Stop bringing other people down!
Get yourself together!
Get better!
But you can't get better, can you?
Because that's just who  you are
And that's why you feel this now
I hate myself
Because you finally realized it's not just your body you hate
You can always change that
It's your mind
Your smile
Your nose
Your whole ******* face
And more than that, it's your personality
The jokes you make
The sound of your own voice
The very thoughts you think are worthless
And pathetic
You're broken
You're not like other people
Other people are better than you
And you've finally realized that when you're born broken,
there's nothing you can do
Not
A
Thing
And if you can't change your insides, what can you do?
You're hopeless
Destroyed
Drained
You just want to pass out for a while
Anything to escape the never-ending agony of your own mind
Trapped in a body you hate
At war with yourself
"Your own worst enemy"
Doesn't even begin to cover it
More like your own destruction
A leader of genocide on a population of one; you
A suicide bomber; where the pilot, plane, and flight path are all made of you
You, you, you
It's funny, for someone who hates themselves so much,
Most of what you think about revolves around you
Every task
Every thought, every conversation, interaction, question asked & answered
Every look, every lesson, every thing anyone says or does around you,
Suddenly is a reminder of some part of you you hate
Then simple tasks become impossible
You make a small error, a superficial error
You dwell on it for weeks
You are in an instant panic
Anothermistakeanothermistakeanothermistake
You've burdened yet another person with your existence
Even more so, because everyone starts asking you;
"What's wrong? What's wrong?"
EVERYTHING IS WRONG, DON'T YOU SEE?
"Everything is wrong, because I am me"
I hate myself
It's the bottom of the barrel
It literally is a state of mind that defies nature
A feeling that defies our instinct to stay alive
Why why why why why?
Another question asked
Almost daily
"Why me?"
"Why was I born this way?"
"Why did I turn out like this?"
Why why why why why?
But no one ever answers
Because of course, it's only you
Alone with yourself
Like always