she keeps her options open
but she keeps her heart closed
she writes your name with a ballpen
but she tells you to tattoo hers

a sticky note on my fridge
says, "remember to forget"
written on all the mirrors
says, "remember to forget"
engraved in my mind
says, "remember to forget"
under my breath i chant,
"remember to forget"
before i go to sleep i cry,
"remember to forget"

but after all of these precautions,
i still find that the harder i try to forget
the easier it is to remember

oh K,
you used to be
okay
tell me, how's your day
"okay"
oh, K

I miss heading home from grandmother's house
Drifting to sleep as my favourite song plays on the radio
I miss hotel staycations and my most-worn blouse
And my parents being there to guide me to where i had to go

I miss watching afternoon cartoons on a summer day
As my mother turns the AC on to keep the heat away
I miss all my childhood pets whenever i see the scratches on the door
And yet i cannot even remember some of their faces anymore

I miss fast food birthday parties with those cardboard hats
I miss the hectic mornings of the first days of school
I miss dancing in the guest room at Kat's
I miss fearing the deep end of the pool

From playground fights and Baguio kites
To simple lunches at the mall
I wonder why i was ever discontent when i've had it all

Moments that i took for granted
Times i won't forget
It seems like i've lived such a life
But it isn't over yet
With precious memories like these, there are still more to come
I'll stack them all like bricks that form into my own kingdom.

make up your mind
i'm getting tired
tell me what love is
and i'll tell you if i love you

do you feel it?
do you still feel it?
do you feel the hand
snaking up your thigh
as you sit there
wondering why
why you feel it
why you still feel it

i hate how it goes
trailing up to my throat
it's not a joke
please, it's not a joke

i still feel my hands
pulled back and helpless
against this sick
disturbing
covered-up mess

oh, do you feel it?
'cause i still feel it

and then they shush me up
when i try to explain
when i try to make sense
of the mess
of the pain

do you feel it?
'cause i feel it
i still feel it
i might forever feel it

when you told me you love her
i had to turn away
you said you just know
you two'd marry someday
didn't know what to think
didn't know what to say
just looked at you straight in the eyes
said "okay"

and i know you can't help it
because if you could
that means i could, too and
without hesitation
i'll rid myself of this tether
stop loving you for good

but we can't have everything
and i can't be with you
can't part with you, either
so i'm left stuck strongly to you
connected by some glue
while you make attempts to woo
her

The tranquil voice sends me back and my thoughts scramble. Where has you arrived? Why has you arrived? How has you arrived? Who is you? Am I you? Is you me? Who is me?

I shake my head vigorously in an attempt to file these thoughts for another day. I succeed.

For today, and tomorrow, and maybe the day after that, I will step out into the world and do what must be done-  for these scrambled thoughts are scary, and I may never know the answer to them.

hey mister gloomy face
don't let your life go to waste
i want you to know that
there's still sunshine amidst the rain

hey miss troubled eyes
i want to see you smile
i want you to know that
there's still lovin' amidst the pain

I worry so
Although I keep saying that I'm alright
Everyone believes and thinks I'm happy
No one sees that I've already lost the fight

The light within is flickering
My faith is slowly withering
I had placed a band-aid on my bullet hole
But now all the blood is hindering

This lion has lost his roar
This angel's feathers are burnt and bent
All I ask is for your forgiveness
For down the rabbit hole I went

I listen and glare at the clock
Daring it to say that I will one day be fine
But as for now, my friends number their crushes
While I get crushed by the numbers of time

I've heard about the princesses
Who saved themselves from their dragons
Without the need of handsome fleets
Or dramatic true love's kisses
But I wish I knew
Before I hung onto
My knight in shining armour

i'm supposed to be safe now
i'm supposed to feel safe now
don't i deserve it?
haven't i earned it?
what must i have to do to attain something i feel i should be entitled to?

who answers the crying calls for help in the night?
so you say we deserve it 'cause we didn't start a fight?
who are you to tell me that i am exaggerating?
these lost souls, shushed voices, buried stories
for justice they are waiting

generations past
stirred hearts of the masses
yet still as light is cast
shadows loom behind us
we hold our breaths and pray they'll go away
but what if they don't