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I can’t date men now
You took
I am scared of them touching me
And took
Their anger terrifies me
And took
What if they don’t listen
And took
What if they don’t ask
And took
What if they haunt me
And took
As your hands do
He's clocking out, climbing into his car.
He can do both things at once,
the time clock is just an app on his phone.
These days, he guesses, most everything
is just an app on the phone.

Phone. We still call it that.
Wonder how many people
make calls these days at all?
He laughs quietly to himself
and starts the engine,
shifts into first,
slips the clutch,
and he's on the road.

He passes run down storefronts
long abandoned, old restaurants
with four or five different names
glued to the facade. Nothing lasts here.

The diner still runs though,
a well oiled machine.
Maybe I'll eat there tonight
he says to himself.
Breakfast for dinner, eggs and bacon.
Sounds good.

Maybe he'll stay there for six hours.
Drinking coffee,
talking to locals.
Maybe he won't.
Maybe he'll take the long way home
and hit the pub for wings.
Maybe he won't though.
No matter what he ends up doing
he's always satisfied having the options.

It's not the places I go to waste my time,
the thought comes to him suddenly,
it's the option of being able to waste it
wherever and whenever I want.
That's what I really love.

He smiles a slight grin,
eyes full of sunset.
His stomach grumbles,
hits a downshift as he steps on the gas,
and cruises off into the horizon.
It may not be a particularly exciting
or overly successful life, but
one thing that's for certain is that
he'll be happy to do it all over again
tomorrow.
Some people get upset
when I'm a bit too honest.

Sometimes my grandfather
(known to me as my Pap)
will ask me
if I want to go to a toy train convention
at 8:00 AM on a Sunday,
and I'll say
"I don't want to, but I definitely will"
and he'll tell me
to just
forget it.

It's like this for other things too,
with other people.
Usually loved ones.

My cousin Jake
is sometimes late
for a birthday dinner,
and I'll say
"If you don't want to come, then don't."
Then I'll smile
because I'm hearing my Pap's words
coming out of my own mouth.

Pap.

He doesn't want someone to tag along
just because it's the right thing to do,
he wants someone to be as excited as he is.
He wants someone to want what he wants.

What do I want? How does anyone figure that out?
I feel like I've lived a life
wanting the wrong things.
Not wanting what others
have wanted for me.
Throwing away opportunities
to make others proud,
people like my mother.
She wanted me to be a man,
but I've lived these wandering years
as but a man-child who squanders
the days away with menial hobbies.
Lazy and unfocused I am,
I've been.
Always wanting the wrong things.

...
If I had a grandson
what would I want him
to tag along with me for?

What would I want my child
to want?

I don't know.

Do you?
The promise of tomorrow
is laden with hope.
Sprinkled with gusto,
dipped in
golden idealism.

Tomorrow, an honest excuse.
A good time to see you,
a good time to
have time to lose.

Tomorrow will come
sopping wet
with the promises
of yesterday.
Wring it all out and
let's splash in the puddle.
I'll take my boots off,
I promise.

Tomorrow will feel
just like today, except...

Except tomorrow I'll have you.
Tomorrow,
you'll have me too.



Tomorrow will shimmer
with the glimmering late-June sun,
and we'll spend it it together wishing
that another tomorrow
will never come.
I can take the criticism
I can hear compliments
But I can’t stand opinions
Like I ever asked for them
Sometimes it’s just that simple
And I need to vent
I swear I’ve changed
Can you just accept it?

The whole world falls apart,
And it keeps on turning.
When no one can stop it,
I’m told I can’t be positive.
But what’s the point in living
If there’s no silver linings
It’s that need for control
The ******* thought of it
I was living in vain
I thought I could stop it
Just stop. Don’t fight it.

I abused the ones I love
And justified it all.
By the thoughts in my head.
Control, I’ve none at all.
I Tried to make things happen
Like I could force it all
Did anything matter?
In the end it’s all gone.

I just made a mess
It grew bigger and bigger
Couldn’t hold it together, it all fell apart.
Did we mean the things we said?
Did they come from the heart?
My misconceptions of life
Took me away from the light
You’ll tell me I’m wrong
When you can even start
To be honest with yourself
Or hold love in your heart

Let’s be more accountable
Really honest with each other
Would it hurt that much
To be open and vulnerable?
I’ve no room for judgment
Or to hurt another soul
If we can’t love unconditional
Accept this life and just let go
Then we’re just fighting change
When it’s obviously inevitable
I think it does more damage
When our emotions take control
You wanna talk mental health
But I think it might be physical

Just listen, please trust me
I can’t change the past
Can’t take away the pain
But I will be a better me
I promise, I’ve changed.
What if the doctrines were all wrong?
Like god gave us pieces of a puzzle,
and scattered them across the world.
What if we’re supposed to get along.
So we can piece them all together.
In peace as one.
What language is this?
Who do I need to love?
That voice inside says
“There’s nothing to be scared of.”
“It’s only love.”
Little plastic signs cover all the lawns
Spend your money for the rich leaders cause
Here to show your support
For the ones looking for a job
Here to take your money
To argue all the opinions
Like it even matters at all.

“Another a**hole’s name”
Broken promises, led astray
Money claims everything
Is there no room for love at all?
Where’s the unconditional?
Screaming and fighting
Trusting all the lies.
I won’t play that game.
No room to control change.
Live your life,
Cause it’ll never be the same.
Electors finding rage, they will hate
But love will be the only way.
I was the firecracker, you were the flame.
My fuse was too short, I projected my pain. You might have burned me but the pieces still sting.
I left all of myself in smoke and debris.
Scattered among my goals and dreams.
Thought I was a man, the kind who stood up for what he believes.

That little boy inside,
he wouldn’t let me climb
out from the fountain.
Youthfulness proved useless,
said you heard it all before.
“Sorry doesn’t mean a thing to me, if you can’t change anything”

Stepped away from the damage.
Couldn’t bear to watch,
the man stripped away from the boy inside.
Sometimes the worst parts in life,
are the best in hindsight.
 Nov 2018 Addison René
laura
in the cloister, we had coffee
talking something about the soul
today in the cold but sunlit court
with a good girlfriend of mine
is when it struck me:

a pretty Christian girl kind of day
before me, a butterfly kind of day
winging the dark fantasies away
start obeying and getting good habits
would have stayed had i any money
to get the rest of my college degree
kind of day

filling your heart with my replacements
to match my false interpretations
of your expectations of me
And your soul will be replenished
once you're showered with
what you crave
and yearn for the most
Your roots spread
and dig
and grow
You'll spurt into the tall blades
into the night sky, even
Your curled petals
will open to this world
What do you need?
Your stretched petals will tell you
And so will the sun,
the great source in the sky
Grow and grow through the garden
The garden is your home
to rest
to replenish
You need a home
You need others akin to a home
Flowers need love
And love you shall receive, child.
5/4/18
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