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i used to play hide and seek with my querencia
(or did it, with me?)
games are captivating for the young soul
where play is forever and
pain is a dream upon a dream

and perhaps
i hid behind too many walls
and stole away from its heart
one time too many
and one day- i lost it. my favourite spot
(loss tastes like the colour of the rain.)

wirra
that is how you describe the goodbyes that were never said
(and even that is not enough)
so you try to forget and the walls you used to play behind
become shields. and barriers.
physical representations of my farewell.

then one day i discovered a different wor(l)d
the bonjour to the au revoir that querencia never left me with
it is all i could ever want
(words are not enough and the dictionary lies)

because my definition of serendipity,
is you.
i imagine pulling over at a canyon
seeing the day they took all the pictures
off the wall when she died
i stop for a picnic on a scar
from getting too close to the junk
but you made it and making it is all that matters
i see the ends of your hands
as 15th century cartography talks to the hierarch
a promise of platitudes
flat and lacking grandeur
how on that plane it knows
when you turn them over
like pages of a book
and secrets pour out
they don't tremble like they used to
haven't had an earthquake in years
not even a tremor
not even happenstance could stop me
from gawking at the pile up on 64
how outwardly looking
in you don't look like a "wreck"
your hands remind me more
of a car crash without the quotation marks
The time had come for two hearts to go their own way. 

It wasn’t sad; it wasn’t angry; just profoundly honest;

In the whirlwind of young life
Their love sudden
He blew her away
She caught his breath
The lust explosive
Captivated by each others touch
Living the dream
Fancy London apartment
Chanel and Bottega Veneta
Cap D Antibes
Woke to keys of an MG
Squealed with delighted
***** and Wine
Yet in the depth of this life
Fighting to be free
To own their souls
Losing sight of love
The power of another life
Kept them chained
In the birth of her breath
It came to an end


The legacy off their passion
A sparkling spirit
In the shadow of that spirit
Never to know
The geniuses of
Her soul
No captured memories
His dying voice
Silent to her life
I wish I could break
Shatter into a million pieces
Of sharded glass, waiting to be stepped on.
Causing you to bleed wouldn't hurt me
Because I would already be broken.

This universe doesn't give a ****
Whether we're moving
Or camping out on life's sidelines.
The doers, in the end
Meet the same fate as the dreamers.

I want you to break me.
Work me until I fall apart
Until I can't take it anymore.
At least then
I will overdose on my need for perfection
Before I die of it.
You can take my needle from me
Before my heart stops beating.
Before it turns my blue vein black.

Then maybe I can stop craving
Everything that hopes to **** me off.
when you were five

remember how you thought words

were some of the most beautiful creations in the world

and you put exclamation marks behind everything

because your father said you used them for exciting things

and everything was exciting

and you never stopped talking

because everything was a melody

how you picked pages from the dictionary at random

and let the sounds slip and roll over your clumsy tongue

slide down your throat and taste them sweet against your lips

you promised yourself that growing up and adding years to your age

would never change anything-

but it did.

i watch you sometimes

buried in a heap of textbooks and assignments

the light seeping through the crack under your door till two in the morning

and i hear you curse the very existence of the same words

you once so revered

there is no meaning to

(or love for)

the letters you pen and the ink stains against snow white sheets

and i wish i could turn back time to see

the little child who thought the dictionary held wonders of the world

and gave more than monosyllabic answers to questions posed to them

heaven knows when the curiosity in your eyes died (and why i never noticed)

but god knows i would give up so much

to see it there,

again.
I am reading this poem,
late, in the snug familiarity of my bed,
with gentle night-light and sable night-sky,
stars swimming beyond the glass,
warm breaths fogging up the panes.
I am reading this poem,
curled on a beanbag in a library with her my by side,
breaths stirring against my skin,
like the winds of time, of change, taking me away from here.
I am reading this poem,
in a room that is abound with remembrance and days gone by,
where the bedclothes are heaped, fresh and steaming with warmth,
with the same freedom that the open valise speaks of,
a journey ending in success, a triumphant flight.
I am reading this poem,
as the underground train screeches to a halt,
and before heading up the stairs,
towards the love that life has bestowed on me.
I am reading this poem,
by the glow of the laptop screen,
where the headlines flash and flicker,
for once, joy is splashed across the monitor.
I am reading this poem in a waiting room,
of meeting eyes and crinkling smiles, more friends than strangers,
without fear.
I am reading this poem by firelight,
in the simple joy and jubilation of the young who know they matter,
and live with hope and inner liberation, from the earliest of ages.
I am reading this poem,
freed of the curved lenses, the cloudy cataracts,
and I can see the letters for what they are and I read on,
because this freedom is precious.
I am reading this poem as I sit by the radiator,
the milk is already warm (electricity isn’t cut these days)
child in my arms, book in my hand,
because life is waiting for me to live it,
knowing it is never too short or too long but just right.
I am reading this poem not in my language,
while she sits at my side and helps me translate,
because tongues are free to roam now.
I am reading this poem listening for something,
stopping to savour the taste of freedom,
to be able to refuse the task I cannot turn to.
I am reading this poem because I can,
and there is so much left to read
I have now and forever,
to soar untamed with wings unclipped, clothed as I am.
you came to me in the first dewdrops of spring
with the scent of newleaf lingering on your lips
and the taste of fresh rosebuds and honeysuckle
a mere whisper on my tongue
your kiss the heat of summer sunlight blistering against my skin
and ripping my throat open in a blaze of inferno
heaven knows how you quell the flames
with the same brush of lips against mine
you dance forever in my mind’s eye on dappled autumn leaves
with the swirl of the breeze tousling in your hair
a symphony of red yellow brown and glittering eyes
footsteps going crunch crunch crunch over the carpet of my heart
your goodbye is the wind that whips through my eternal winter
as the snow settles in the silent solstice
i crave crave crave crave the fervent heat once more just once more
REPEAT.
cyclic cyclic cyclic
as i fall in love with you all over again.
(like the mist that rolls in with the first snow that tumbles like waves from the sky/like the budding of the flowers in the garden and the fallen petals beneath your soles/like the gradual melt of ice cream onto sticky fingers and stained flip-flops/like the green fading into a myriad of blossoming colour the facade of beauty disguising slow death)
baby, you break my heart slow
I’ve never known a god,
I don’t even know if god is real.
Church choirs sing the hymns,
Pastors preach the bible,
But there’s so many of them.
Written.
Rewritten.
It’s like the game, Telephone,
We played when we
Were little kids.
The teacher would whisper
A sentence into whoever’s
Ear was to her left or right,
And around the circle it would go,
Reaching whoever was last.
Then they would spew out
The wrong sentence like a geyser
That held words rather than water,
And we’d all laugh because we
Know that it isn’t right.
The teacher would
Tell us what she said,
Then we’d all be upset.
That’s not what I heard.
We’d all think.
And just like Telephone,
All those rewritten
Bibles must’ve gotten
Something wrong
Along the way.
So why am I supposed
To believe
Historical inaccuracies
About a man that
Is allegedly omniscient,
Supposedly righteous,
And theoretically loving of all?
Right now though,
With your hand on my face,
I can see now why people
Hope for a heaven
And a god
And just someone to believe in
Because I can feel
All those things running through
Your fingertips.
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