She told me
She would rather a broken neck
Than another broken heart
I hugged her then
For there was no right answer
Just the silent acceptance of the fact
Life is pain, sometimes too great to handle

Because even though we said forever
It feels impossible to be loved
By a woman 6 ft under

I had a dream last night
That when I awoke
You were tangled in the sheets next to me
Our legs intertwined, our clothes scattered
Together and happy as never before

Reality hit when I came to this morning
Nobody next to me, cold and alone
The dream lingered just beyond my conscious thoughts
Leaving me with a hollow, empty feeling
Because you are gone

Its just past midnight
And the scent of you lingers
Caught in my hair
And my chest, where you laid your head
Smelling of lavender
Pure beauty
And as  I light my last cigarette
I look up towards the heavens
And ask why in the world
You couldn't be mine

You stood at the altar
Decked in white
The most beautiful thing
I have ever seen
And spoke those two faithful words
"I do"
Pledging yourself to me
In sickness and in health
Til death do us part

But death came to quickly
And we were separated young
Mortality is a saddening reminder
Of the futility of the phrase
Forever and always
Because we don't control time
Instead, we fall victim to it
The never ending march to our doom
Killing all love

I had a dream last night
It was beautiful
I woke up beside you
Bodies intertwined
Your head on my chest
All was at peace in the world
And it was good

I had a nightmare this morning
When I awoke to an empty house
It was awful
Cold and lonely, I rolled out of bed
A solitary cup of coffee
Such a depressing affair
And it was bad

Dreams can be the best
And the worst things in the world
For as I learned the hard way
There can be two types of dreams about a girl
One where she loves you, one where she won't
The former a fantasy so hard to obtain
The latter a reality, nightmare turned to life

I hate that I love you
Its that day of the year
A time for romance
Hands held, and love
But you are gone

I tried to run away
But despite my best efforts
I couldn't avoid the truth
That in life, and in love
All of my paths, lead to you

So often in this life
Love is spent in the wrong places
Hearts offered in tribute to those who do not deserve
The trust and compassion you bestow upon them
Judging the character of a man is difficult
But I beg of you, do your best my dear
For my heart breaks more and more each day
When I'm reminded of the fact that you are in love
With the wrong man

I doubt I will ever forget
The note you left me
On the day you walked out that door
I'm going to find a new world under the ocean
Somebody once told me there are ghost towns there
Do not mourn my departure, for I am happy now
With that, you married yourself to the Thames
Leaving me with a hole in my heart
For all of eternity

i loved a girl
with broken eyes
deep, sad
you could drown in them
and so i did
gasping for breath
as she pulled me under

i loved a girl
with too many scars
reminders of battles i could not help her win
with every tracing by my fingers
i wished to erase
any and all of her pain

i loved a girl
from a broken home
yelling parents
alcohol consumed
i tried to be an island
a steady rock
an alternative to the misery of her house

i loved a girl
and gave her my all
so it killed me harder
to watcher her fall
into this pit of sadness and addiction
and as i sit here in pain, wishing i could have saved her
i wondered if loving anyone
was worth it

I think about this girl all the time
Most of these poems are dedicated to her
And I'm so grateful that her parents decided to play it free
Because it produced this beautiful young lady
The only thing left that can inspire me
You see, life is a dark meaningless pit for me
Depression a beast I can't put back on the leash
It took control years ago, leaving this broken son
Basically brain dead, unable to have fun
Enjoyment doesn't come to me, all I know is pain
So when I met this girl, my mind was blown
It rearranged everything I thought I knew about this game
For the first time ever, hope was present
Death not so inviting, life worth living
Something to look forward every day, giving me a reason to get up in the morning
Breaking the constant cycle of sadness and mourning
Her smile? Golden
And hugging her was my only heaven on Earth
The embrace of someone you loved, it can cure you of any hurt
So when the thoughts come back
And I'm chilling with those pills
I tell her I love her, she says it back
And I manage to survive a little longer in this world

dark hair dark eyes
pale skin, red lipstick
cast a spell upon me
slave to desire, victim of passion
i am yours to command
for at first glance you had my body
and at second you had my soul

one can't begin to imagine
the haunted feeling i had
when you said no, turned
walked away
never giving me a chance
giving us a chance
leaving the opportunity of a lifetime on the table

nothing beats the pain
that a missed opportunity leaves
because you will never know
if maybe, things would've been glorious
a perfect ending
to the perfect beginning
but one can never find out

Pale skin
Red lipstick
Big brown eyes
I never stood a chance
My heart melted
It is obvious why

Riding the train
Her head on my shoulder
Off to the city
A lovely springtime date

I can't help but feel
That life gets no better
Than the silent intimacy
We found that day

A crack of thunder
The clouds roll through
And inevitably, my mind drift backs to you
The days spent dancing in the pouring rain
The small half smile of one who feels no pain

Around and around, twirling we go
Our hands interwoven as we dance
To the music of our hearts
Beating rapidly in ecstacy
For that is what life can be when you find true love

I lean in to kiss you
As I tremble with anticipation
Of the magic, the beauty
Such a lovely sensation
Found only in the arms of she whom i love

Dark hair and dark eyes
pale skin, you look a ghost
Bright red lips drawing attention
To the insane beauty you possess
And no mortal man could resist
The feelings of intrigue you radiate
Biting your lip, periodically looking up through your bangs
Writing away, sitting alone in a coffee shop
A seat open across from you
An invitation, if one dares to take it
So take it I must
For at this moment
Knowing you seems to be the most important of pursuits
Though I can't help but feel that nobody has ever known you
For you are a mystery for any to behold
And none to comprehend

I want the kind of love
Where you wake up at 2 in the morning
From a nightmare
And see her, smile and everything is okay

I want the kind of love
Where you sit in a park smoking cigarettes
Holding hands, people watching, observing the beauty of life
Enhanced by a companion ever so dear

I want the kind of love
Where sometimes when you get particuarly depressed
You are able to stay safe and sane
Because you have someone to save you

I want the kind of love
Where your reality is better than your dreams
So you don't sleep much
Preferring to talk through the night about anything and everything

I want that kind of love
But its not in the cards for me
The hand I was dealt leaves me miserable, alone
Trapped in a world on my own

In the course of human history
Two things have been discovered
That can never be conquered
Those being death, and time
All men must die
Time can never stop moving forward
This is known for sure
Accepted by all
So what is one to do?
When they know death is inevitable
Feel frozen in time
As if they are being left behind
Lost in a world
They do not belong in
Unstable, emotionally damaged
If they are always miserable
What options do they have?
The pain will not fade
Time will not stop
Death is all that is left
So they **** themselves
Friends and family are outraged
Hurt by the loss of someone
Saying he was selfish for leaving
Bitter and angry
They do not even bother trying
To put themselves in his shoes
But if they did
They would know
That suicide?
Was the only choice
He had to take

On my knees by the bed
Praying for forgiveness
One shot in the chamber
Hoping I don't have to outlive this

Six shot revolver pressed to my right temple
Hand so steady, despite the potential
Of a tragic end to a tragic life
The thing i have dreamed of for the past thousand nights

Father above please guide me home
Your kingdom is waiting I can't go it alone
Because the night is dark and full of terrors
Please give me this, one last guilty pleasure

Lord hear me and answer
Please bless this revolver
A one in six chance
For my corpse at an altar

I fell in love
Once
Or perhaps twice
It is hard to tell these things
When I am so young
But back to the subject
I fell in love
And it left me damaged
Unable to fully trust
Anyone
I am trapped in a lonely world
Despair is my companion
And though I wish nothing more
Than to give myself to
Another
My brain won't let me
It shies away from
Intimacy
Because when you let someone in
They can destroy you
And my heart can't handle
Another break

Everybody has that best friend
The one of the opposite gender
They're cute, funny, flirty
Being with them feels like home
Its just so right, ya know?
Always at ease
Switching back and forth
Between the trivial and the important
The happiness and the sadness
That person that you hold while they cry
And chase after while they scream with laughter
About some stupid thing they did to annoy you
Knowing full well it wasn't annoying
It was wonderful

Everyone has that friend
The friend that just fits
I happen to be in love with mine
She doesn't feel the same.

Labored breaths
Forced out of your
Collapsed chest
Caught in the land
Between life or death
Spending every moment
Fearing that nothing comes next

Drops of blood
Splatter the clean white tile
A monument to your death
That won't last a while
This day will be forgotten
Stricken from the archives
Of a world, that does not care

The nights, they are
So long, and
The days so
Cold
My thoughts are a
Jumble, in this mess of
A head, darting
Back and forth, back and forth
Alternating between manic
Happiness and soul crushing
Depression as I sit on the
Bed where I last saw you
Walk away from me, away from me
Wondering why death seems
So tempting an escape and
Love seems so
Terrifying a fate

Religion
A man made concept
Based off the super natural belief
That something couldn't come from nothing
And that there is some higher being out there watching us

Religion
The source of so much hate
Violence stretching throughout the centuries
With crusades, and jihad
Blood spilled simply because one has a different interpretation of God than yourself

Religion
Its not all bad
A source of courage and love for those in need
A place to lay your worries, charity for the poor
A God who loves all of his children, for we are in His image

Religion
The ultimate paradox
Responsible for so much good
And so much evil
It astounds me how frustrating you can be

no such thing as a lost cause
you won't always feel this way
a year can turn somebody into a stranger
some things you just can't contorl

Originality is dead
Everything that can be done
Has been done
And creativity is a joke
Because the words he writes
Have been said a hundred times in a hundred different ways
Better or worse, its the same
And that sameness is suffocating
For an individual is the highest from of life
And the mob has overwhelmed him
To the point where he can't see why
He should bother fighting for his life

A thousand moments we took for granted
In the blink of an eye a year flies past
With a yawn spanning decades until suddenly
You wake up alone, not sure why
The diaspora college brings upon us is tragic
Shattered ties and broken hearts litter the land
Forced out into a world lacking compassion
We become adults far too soon
Wandering our way through the desert
In search of life, and love
and happiness
Hoping to find meaning
Desperate for a reason to keep going
Tired and hungry, lost and alone

To heaven we go
With a passion in our hearts
That shall never die

Living after death
The mind and soul enduring
Any and all pain

The pain then becomes
Only the greatest of joys
When we find our peace

Eternal we rest
Finally we are content
Lord please lay me down

I have drifted around
The fringe of your life
Occasionally popping in
For a chat, or a hug
When courage struck me
But I always faded quick
When the fear returned

You see, I know myself
All of my flaws
My inadequacies
And my great many failings
So I always have felt
That I wasn't good enough
To waste your time

Your beautiful
Which is overrated
When compared to the extreme interest
To be found in your thoughts
Your sadness
Your history
all things which I wish to become intimate with

So perhaps someday
I will make a move
And invite you into this little world
I call home
But until that day, I shall live at a distance
Fading in and out of the periphery
A ghost, or a hint of a promuise

Dreams are so fickle a thing
Vivid, intense in the moment
You can feel her hand in yours
Taste her kiss lingering upon your lips
Hear the beautiful sounds of her laughter
But in a moment, all gone
The shrill screams of an alarm
Shattering the tranquility of a moment
Found only in your dreams

its when you fall asleep at 4 in the morning
knowing full well you have to wake up at 7
its 6 cups of coffee and a pack of smokes
anything to get you through the day

its stumbling into work 10 minutes late
hoping to God that nobody asks you why
its shedding weight because you can't eat anymore
and self-deprecating jokes about your raccoon eyes

its when your posted up at the bar
with no clue what the time is
its that sinking feeling in your stomach when you think
the bartender knows you better than your own friends

its trying to move on
but not believing you can
its wishing she still loved you
and that you could find peace again

Hero
H-E-R-O
One word, Four letters
Loaded with meaning
But what, daresay, is the meaning?
What makes a hero?

Well, there are stereotypes
Storybook characters, playing the role
Strong, brave, handsome
Chivalrous, even. Bold and daring
But that isn't a real hero

A real hero is weak, cowardly
They lack confidence, they aren't strong, smart, or handsome
They live their lives in the background
If they had a color, it would be something nondescript
A beige, perhaps, or a muted blue
They live and let live

Until the time comes, where they must step up
The true hero, they seize the moment
They act against their fear, they gain strength they thought they lacked
To save the day
And fade, into the background

Scars on my wrist
Relics of a still breathing era
Reminding me of all the battles
I had the misfortune to lose
Tears on the pillow, blood on the sheets
I'm just a boy with a tragic past
Who longs for the day when I'm dead at last

The moon is full
This jacket is warm
My flask is empty
You are not here

You don't know who you are
Because the foundation you grew up with
Isn't there any longer
Torn away by the stunning realization
That you drift a bit from the norm

All situations become awkward
You have to think before any interaction
Because hiding is is required
For if your secret gets out
You fear your life will end

Paranoid someone would betray you
You trust nobody
Distancing from friends and family
Scared to let anyone in
If it means risking them hating you

Religion used to be a safe haven
But no longer is it so
For you hear of the church committing horrible acts
Calling you immoral, a greater sinner than most
Simply for how you were born

On the news, you see the homeless youth
And your stomach turns with disgust
Trhwon out of the house for something beyond their control
You are terrified that it could be you
So you try and eradicate the feeling

Sometimes you feel brave
You drop hints to people, trying to reach out
But ultimately, the fear returns
So you pass off what you said as a joke
And feel ashamed for living

But ****** orientation ain't **** to feel shame about
You are who you are
And someday, you will tell the world
Prejudice be ******, you're a man
No matter what they say

lay me down
oh so gently
if you please
the ground beckons
send me there
a wooden box
to hold me
forever and always
as my body
fades into dust
and my soul
slowly slips out
of your memories

bury me with
books, roses, candles
that which brought
me a smile
when times took
a turn down
a harder path
the path which
led me to
my final failing
gun in mouth
finger on trigger
victim in grave

January 5th, 2001
4 years old I am sledding
A day filled with fun
My parents they smile
My baby sister she laughs
All together so happy
But it just couldn't last

A phone call, so brief
Told of death in my home
My best friend, my uncle
Had died last night, all alone
Overdosed they say, ****** hits hard
His mother crying and crying, begging to God
To bring him back please, save him just once
But God plays no favorites, and what's done is done

Poison in my veins, I can feel it when I breathe
The blood of an addict lives on inside of me
Pills and cigarettes, comfort in pain
Unable to escape that nagging in the back of my brain
Because the man I knew so long ago seemed happy
Or so my younger self was told
And though I swear I know better I can't help but dream
Of giving his life a go

I went swimming today
Twice
Which is weird because
In the past 4 years
I have been in the ocean a total of 6 times
Even though I live
In a small ocean town
Where the beach is
A short walk away
I went in the water today
Even though I have always hated
Being wet and
Salty the feeling on my
Skin is so uncomfortable
I always detested it
I went in the water today
Because I hate the person I am
And I thought that if I changed
One small part about myself
The rest could follow
And maybe if I could learn to
Love the water
I could learn to
Love myself

Honest moments are born
In the predawn stillness of the night
Tearful confessions whispered
Into the nook of one's neck
Smoke drifting lazily towards the ceiling
While the candle flickers in the background
Dancing and dancing all of the pain away

The contrast is stunning
Taking my breath away
Only when I'm so happy do I realize
How miserable were the other days
Life is always so heavy
Weighed down by fear and the past
Though things seem so perfect right now
I'm terrified they won't last

Sit with me stranger
And let me tell you a tale
Of magical nights
Beautiful days
Seconds that lasted hours
Years that lasted minutes
And a life that was worth living

We come in this world alone
Kicking and screaming
As if to announce to our other half
I am here
So come and find me

Our better half as some like to say
I agree
For love turns ordinary people
Into extraordinary heroes

A savior, if you will
Guarding us from sorrow, and strife
Protecting us from the evils that plague this Earth
Shielding us from all that would do us harm

Giving us the gift of a perfect day
Where nothing significant occurs
But the day is flawless
With her hand in yours
Under a blanket, searching the stars for answers
While words pass quietly, discussing this crazed thing we call living
The moment lasts forever
As you live it, it feels like eons
And in your mind's eye, it never fades

In that moment you realized that this is why we are born
To find that perfection in someone else
And when you find it, everything is okay
And the times seems to pass in huge spurts
You wake up pressed again them in December
And go to sleep in April, sighing with happy annoyance
At how their hair ended up in your face yet again
But it smells like her, so it is worth it a hundred times

And as you lie there in the moonlight, you look at her
She is so beautiful; there is no equal
You take the time to memorize everything
The curve of her lips, the shape of her eyes
And that night seems to last forever, as you hold her while she sleeps

Flash forward again, and its September
Fall is on its way, and as summer dies, you visit the beach
Dashing through the waves like fools
Splashing each other
Laughing like fools
Happy doing the mundane
for with the right person
The mundane is the amazing

Dark red stains on clean white sheets
Cracked pencil sharpeners, missing a piece
Angst and loneliness spelled out in blood
Bitter and afraid, longwing for the one I loved
To save me from this wreck
That has become my ******* life
Trapped inside a world
Where I can't get any respite
From the pain, oh the pain
That makes death seem like the only escape
And as the artist turns back to his canvas
He carves a heart
Broken and empty
On his pale white skin

my head hurts
the pain makes my thoughts
cloudy
and the only thing i can grasp
is the image tattooed on the backs of my eyelids
of your face, the last time i saw you
staring away in the disgust

my head hurts
and its hard to remember
why
you despise me so
when all i ever wanted
was to gift you with all of the love
left in this broken heart

Promises are made to be broken and
Your words are as hollow as this home
Empty gestures I no longer believe in
And a sense of dread whenever you call
Friendship is a two way street
But I had to put all the time in
Next time you call I won't answer the phone
Find a new fool to confide in

Short life
Long days
***** downed
Hazy days
Lost friends
Found pain
Shots fired
Blood drained

Empty promises and carefree living
Hazy nights and forgettable days
Chasing pleasure wherever it can be found
Never remembering those who once stood besides you
Bitterness is poison, a slow killer slinking in
But I can't help but feel as if you abandoned me
The first chance you got, without second thought
You'll never find someone else like this

We are born alone
And we die alone
In between our lives are filed with people
Day after day facing the same tedious patterns
Talking to the same old people
Walking on the same old roads
Lost, without a purpose
Surrounded by everyone
Touched by no one
An empty husk of a boy
Existing rather than living
And nobody stops to ask why
Nobody seems to care
That the light in his eyes has gone
And the spark and his soul shall never be reclaimed

Everything is so fragile
Stare at the water, look yourself in the eyes
One pebble can upset the whole surface
It takes ages for things to become right
Regret is black coffee in the morning
And two packs of cigarettes each day
Not caring for tomorrow
Nothing is promised anyways

Broken glass covers the floor
The smell of alcohol fills the air
Ever since you walked out my door
Life has been filled with such despair
Best friends forever
Turned out to be the sweetest of lies
Because broken people are always abandoned
It was only a matter of time
Before you grew sick of the sadness
The endless darkness inside
Of me, hopeless, depressed, damaged
You didn't even say goodbye