They call me crazy
Like I'm the Mad Hatter, celebrating an unbirthday
But if insanity was happiness, I'd be so content
If it was celebration of the mundane,  I would be tranquil
But it is not

Insanity is fear
Fear, of others words, of friends, and lovers, and yourself
Fear to do the wrong thing, and make a mistake
Fear, to do what is right
Fear, tainting all of your thoughts

Insanity is the hatred
Oh yes, the hatred, red and powerful
You close your eyes, and you can see it, the beast
Insanity is Satan stopping by to say hello
Heath Ledger introducing some chaos into the equation

When you wake up in the middle of the night
Drenched in a cold sweat, covered in your own blood
With no recollection of the previous night
No explanations, for what has happened
That, is insanity

Insanity is the enemy of death
For death brings with it silence
And there is no fear, chaos, hate or insanity in the silence
Death, a beautiful new lover, an escape
Death, the only option

The contrast is stunning
Taking my breath away
Only when I'm so happy do I realize
How miserable were the other days
Life is always so heavy
Weighed down by fear and the past
Though things seem so perfect right now
I'm terrified they won't last

It has been a long time
Since I was with you
And despite all the time that has passed
It still feels the same
As if it had been minutes since I'd last seen you
Not months
With easy smiles and laughter
Friendly hugs and jokes
Holding you while you nap
Kissing you when you're mad
It is like coming home after a long day
Where you feel safe, and nothing has changed
So why is it that we spend so much time apart
When we are clearly so happy together
Why must me make life difficult
When our love could make it so easy?

Sometimes I feel as if I should speak up
And tell you how I feel
But right now we live in a world where everything is simple
And we needn't think at all
Just live, as we do
Happy, but not as happy as we should be
I think I should speak up
But I am afraid to to ruin what we do have
For the sake of what we could have
And I can't tell if this is because I love you too much
Or if the heart of a coward lies within me?

Eternal suffering was too much of a commitment
No more depression
One bullet

Learn from your failures
That was a lesson drilled into me at a young age
Do not be afraid to fail
Because failure is naught but a spring board to success
So I watch with closed lips while you hurtle along your reckless path

I know that we are supposed to make our own choices
And I know how stubborn you can be
Refusing any advice
Rejecting any help
Because you are your own person, and you will stand firm

But I can help you
You can't see it clearly
Emotion clouds your perception
And perhaps it clouds mine too, but in a different way
A way that leads to protection, instead of destruction

How many nights must you fall asleep
Filled with pain
Tear drenched clothes
Wishing with all your heart that everything would be okay
When it is in your power to make it so; you just don't realize

One night, I couldn't take it anymore
And I swore an oath to save you from yourself
And I called you, voice quivering
And laid it all out on the line
Everything you needed to hear

A wise man once said life is like a box of chocolates
But darling, it isn't always so
Life is bittersweet and shall never be perfect
And neither shall you, no matter how hard you try
And hate yourself, for the imperfections

But the imperfections are what make life beautiful
And the pain is just an obstacle to be conquered
With love, and friendship
And you don't need to fight this battle alone
No matter how much it feels like nobody is beside you

Because we are all here darling
And we will help lead you out of the darkness
And into the light
Take my hand, and walk with me
I'll show you the joys of life

Sunrise over still water, silence all around you
The scent of the sea drifting towards you, filling you with bliss
While the clouds roll by, carried by that warm breeze
Life can be good my darling
We just have to open our eyes

And see a million snowflakes falling over a million souls
Each one as unique as the person it lands on
And see the city, made beautiful and clean
Glistening in the sun
While the kids laugh in the street

A poet sits alone on a park bench
Waiting for inspiration to strike
And a girl walks by
Flashing a smile
And his world is turned upside down, and he knows

That life is beautiful.
And he will show you if its the last thing he does

January 5th, 2001
4 years old I am sledding
A day filled with fun
My parents they smile
My baby sister she laughs
All together so happy
But it just couldn't last

A phone call, so brief
Told of death in my home
My best friend, my uncle
Had died last night, all alone
Overdosed they say, ****** hits hard
His mother crying and crying, begging to God
To bring him back please, save him just once
But God plays no favorites, and what's done is done

Poison in my veins, I can feel it when I breathe
The blood of an addict lives on inside of me
Pills and cigarettes, comfort in pain
Unable to escape that nagging in the back of my brain
Because the man I knew so long ago seemed happy
Or so my younger self was told
And though I swear I know better I can't help but dream
Of giving his life a go

Time is
Strange
It flows so
Uneven
With days-weeks-months flying by
While seconds
Minutes
Hours
Crawl past
Every heart beat a drawn out affair
Every blink of the eye lasting ages
Until suddenly you're jolted forward
And you're old
And everyone else is too
And you're left to wonder
Where all the time
Went

Alcohol is a poison
You will fade away
We have all seen good men and woman
Wasting day after day

Addiction is a curse
One you can't escape
Every night I contemplate
Rolling the dice of fate

The bottle in my left hand
The trigger in my right
Throw away my future
Or choose to die tonight

Rock bottom isn't a place but
A state of mind, and
Mental illnesses linger in
The nooks and crannies of your mind
Depression always present
Wreaking havoc on your days
Anxiety a crippling punishment
Filling this life with pain
Never sleeping, because the nightmares
Have grown to loud at night
Eyes open, stare at the ceiling
Unsure if you can continue the fight

Lost in the haze of fog and regret
High up on cloud nine, I recline
Smoke drifts slowly up from my hands as I
Desperately seek an escape from this world, where
Emotions are liars who can not be trusted
and convictions are flimsy
Cast away in a single heartbeat

Is there a hell?
A place where cursed souls go to suffer for their sins
Burning and wasting away for all eternity in the fiery depths?
With Lucifer, the Devil, the famed fallen angel, ruling with an iron fist?

Why yes, my friend
There is
But, not the hell religion gave us
You see, hell is here on Earth
And it is a place inside of us
The dark, evil twisted areas of the mind
The suffocating darkness, the stinging emptiness
Hell is the loss of hope, and love
When you can't see any way out
And you drift along, not living
But surviving
Barely
Blood draining, lungs filled with smoke
Long Sleeves all summer, because that's how you roll
Hell, my friend, is where I was,where I am
Where you left me, alone
To struggle with the abyss inside of me
Weaponless, powerless
Faltering
Dead

You can make peace with the past
But it will never truly fade
The thousand days I spent with you
Now fill my heart with pain
We were so close, our friendship solid
But sadly change came around
Our priorities were different
Your choices were clear
As you buried me in the ground

The shadows of love become the ghosts of the past
Found only in the smells trapped between your sheets
Friendships fade into nothingness leaving so little trace
You can hardly believe they were real
Times do change and people grow up
But every so often, someone gets left behind
Cigarette after cigarette just biding their time
Until they can again find meaning in life

The sun is rising and
I can't sleep because
A broken person is
How you left me
And, empty now
I sit alone
Longing for the days
When I called you
Home

Terrified of growing older
When work is an obligation
They have no sympathy
For a mental health vacation

Locked up in my room
Voices in my head shouting
Saying I should **** myself
That's the only way out  it

So forgive me if I'm reckless
While I'm still young
Because I don't give a **** if I live
Past 21

Contrast is stunning and
My life is the greatest juxtaposition
Depression and anxiety
Drained of energy, bouncing off the walls
Stared death in the face a few times
Victim to the darkest spots in my mind
Suicidal, still living day after day
Stuck here forever, in a world full of grey

My mind is lost at sea
I haven't seen him in a while
But I know somewhere out there
He is struggling on
Searching for me in this world of tragedy
And I hope He finds me soon

Eternal flame burning so bright
Spark grown huge in the depths of my heart
Consuming any other emotion
Destroying any chance I had at resisting
The Temptation I found
When I gazed into your eyes for the first time
Feeling my body flooded with warmth
Caused only by true love
I must make you mine

Falling off of the wagon is
The most painful thing in the world
Because of all the hurt and effort it took
To get on it in the first place
And the pride one feels
When they can honestly say
I am clean

So I would like to apologize
To God, my family, the universe
For letting you all down
Because I promised I was better
Swore I had moved on
But an addiction is forever
And I am hooked once again

Nostalgia is poison seeped in my veins
I remember that last sad smile as you turned away from me
Though it has been years some thing never fade
Like the pleasure the first time our eyes were blessed to meet
Through fire and brimstone, demons and hell
That immense joy always linger, threatening to ****
What little sanity I had, and though until now I've survived
This nostalgia is killing me, making we wish for
One last time

A very famous man once said
My reality is brighter than your dreams are
On top of the world, so joyously triumphant
I never in a million years would have dreamed
That I could somehow relate

But with every moment I spent
Holding you tight to my chest
Every kiss of your lips
Your fingers tracing down my neck
I began to understand
What it was like to know Love
The sweetest of happiness
God's Gift from above

In life I've never been an optimist
Conditioned to expect the worst
But with you around it is easy
To see that life isn't meant to hurt
Times do change, things do gets better
We can grow and we can learn
With you by my side darling
I'm on top of the world

Sit with me stranger
And let me tell you a tale
Of magical nights
Beautiful days
Seconds that lasted hours
Years that lasted minutes
And a life that was worth living

We come in this world alone
Kicking and screaming
As if to announce to our other half
I am here
So come and find me

Our better half as some like to say
I agree
For love turns ordinary people
Into extraordinary heroes

A savior, if you will
Guarding us from sorrow, and strife
Protecting us from the evils that plague this Earth
Shielding us from all that would do us harm

Giving us the gift of a perfect day
Where nothing significant occurs
But the day is flawless
With her hand in yours
Under a blanket, searching the stars for answers
While words pass quietly, discussing this crazed thing we call living
The moment lasts forever
As you live it, it feels like eons
And in your mind's eye, it never fades

In that moment you realized that this is why we are born
To find that perfection in someone else
And when you find it, everything is okay
And the times seems to pass in huge spurts
You wake up pressed again them in December
And go to sleep in April, sighing with happy annoyance
At how their hair ended up in your face yet again
But it smells like her, so it is worth it a hundred times

And as you lie there in the moonlight, you look at her
She is so beautiful; there is no equal
You take the time to memorize everything
The curve of her lips, the shape of her eyes
And that night seems to last forever, as you hold her while she sleeps

Flash forward again, and its September
Fall is on its way, and as summer dies, you visit the beach
Dashing through the waves like fools
Splashing each other
Laughing like fools
Happy doing the mundane
for with the right person
The mundane is the amazing

Crowns for a king
Irons for a slave
Handcuffs for a prisoner
Coffins for a grave

Underneath the surface
And mind you, this is true of everyone
Lies something far more interesting
Much more intriguing
And often darker than anything you can  see

Take a girl
She's pretty, has a smile on her face
Laughs and flirts and teaser her way through the day
But alone, she is wreck
A mess of self hatred and bitterness
Waging a war on her body

Take a boy
He's tall, handsome, strong
A stud athlete, a great character kid
The kind of son you want your child to grow up to be
Yet on the inside he is miserable
Dad's a drunk with a temper
Mom left years ago
And he blames himself every moment for that
Wishing he wasn't alive

Take a woman
She works hard, with kids and a job
The children are smart, well mannered
They'd make any mother proud, and they are her pride and joy
But her husband is always gone on business
And the pain is too much to bear
So she turns to the pills that make her forget
The pills that came to run her life

Take a man
Wealthy, successful
Straight laced and out spoken, climbing that corporate ladder
A bachelor, and everyone assumes its by choice
H chose career over family and thrived
Or so they think
But little do they know he has a secret
A wife isn't exactly his style
He loves another man, who hates him for it
So he throws himself into his work
Until his fire had died, and he is burnt out

On the surface, success is a wonderful guise
For all the pain we bury inside

Religion
A man made concept
Based off the super natural belief
That something couldn't come from nothing
And that there is some higher being out there watching us

Religion
The source of so much hate
Violence stretching throughout the centuries
With crusades, and jihad
Blood spilled simply because one has a different interpretation of God than yourself

Religion
Its not all bad
A source of courage and love for those in need
A place to lay your worries, charity for the poor
A God who loves all of his children, for we are in His image

Religion
The ultimate paradox
Responsible for so much good
And so much evil
It astounds me how frustrating you can be

I can't help but feel
That this isn't how life was supposed to be
I was not intended to be born
Wanting nothing more than to perish
And escape from all the suffering
That has plagued me for all of my days
And has kept me trapped inside
A broken heart, an empty mind

Death would be a release
From the day to day struggles
That weigh me down
Battering my willpower
Eroding any and all chances I have
To be happy, and normal
Instead of forcing smiles
With dead eyes

One shot should do the trick
Or a noose, nice and thick
So as to hold up the bulk of my sorrows
That have been on my shoulders for years
Better yet a handful of pills
And a dignified departure
From a miserable life
Into a blissful end

Pardon me please
I hate to interrupt
But I could not help it
Because you are so
Beautiful
My eyes have been yours all night
And nothing would make me
Happier
Than taking your hand on the dance floor
Spinning round and round
Intimate moment in a crowded room
Eye contact made
Please
Do not break it
For in your eyes
I see the heavens
The future promised
To all who do good
And I think you are the
Key
To unlocking all of the potential
Joy found in the world
Drown me in your
Love
And all sorrows will end
Peace shall be upon us
And everything will finally be
Okay
So please
Allow me one dance
And DJ, make it a long one
Because I know once we are there
No moment could be worse
Than when the music
Stops

Broken glass covers the floor
The smell of alcohol fills the air
Ever since you walked out my door
Life has been filled with such despair
Best friends forever
Turned out to be the sweetest of lies
Because broken people are always abandoned
It was only a matter of time
Before you grew sick of the sadness
The endless darkness inside
Of me, hopeless, depressed, damaged
You didn't even say goodbye

Butterfly, butterfly
Such a beautiful sight
I'm drawing all these butterflies
To save my own life
No more of the cutting
Nothing with the burns
I am done with tying nooses
My butterflies will save my world

Childhood innocence
What a beautiful thing
Back when Papa was a super hero
Mama tucked you into bed every night
And getting high, was something you did with a swing
Everything was exciting and new
Imaginations ran wild
That run down shack in the woods?
A castle, perfect for games of war

Adolescence was miserable
Such a horrible time
Papa wasn't there; the bar was his domain
Mama smoked to much and cried herself to sleep every night
And pills were popped every night, just to survive
It was so hard to find a smile
Everything seemed empty and fake
And that shack in the woods?
Used now only for the least personal kind of date

High school's end was a blessing
Though its a surprise you made it out alive
Papa was gone, he never even called
And mama was drunk, she couldn't handle it all
Living such a burden, so hard for you to do
Life seemingly hopeless, no joy around for you
So you went back to that shack in the woods, for the very last time
And left this world behind you, one pill at a time

Live to fight another day, just to die another night
Unzip my veins and set me free
From empty bottles, and broken dreams
A shaky foundation indicates doom
And I'm alone in this hollow, desolate room
So forgive me if I must depart
I've been murdered by this broken heart

Its funny how blind a man could be
What love can do to our perception
Ruining our objectivity
Worse than any intoxicant ever could dream of
How we come to ignore all of the flaws
In the person we love
How we turn a blind eye
To their evil inside
Our judgement clouded
We think they are perfect
And so, to us
They become perfect
The embodiment of our highest values
The answer to our hearts highest prayers
Its funny what love can do
Because its almost always a lie

Here lies the fallen king
The token sober kid
Grew up alone in a full house
Surrounded by friends but always in doubt
That this world so dear held love for him too
The doubt grew too strong
And so, he flew

You asked me where
My home was and
I explained to you that rainy night
That my home wasn't a place but
A time in my life
When hope was around
Faith still here
The gun wasn't loaded
And I wasn't filled with fear

One is  forced to wonder
What life would be like
If darkness was eternal
And we lived in endless night
Would love prosper?
Or would hate take command?
Would art flourish?
Or violence reign supreme?
One is forced to wonder about these things
When there is a darkness inside of them

Promises are made to be broken and
Your words are as hollow as this home
Empty gestures I no longer believe in
And a sense of dread whenever you call
Friendship is a two way street
But I had to put all the time in
Next time you call I won't answer the phone
Find a new fool to confide in

A shot to numb the pain
Four more to do the same
Drinking into this oblivion
Wanting nothing but to forget
Because I am haunted
The ghosts of the past follow
And I can not escape them

Feel the smoke inside me
Drifting in tomy lungs
Fire is at my fingertips
You wonder what I've done?
I had a cigarette
Whats 3 more
Just trying to have some fun

A slash to wake me up
A score more to keep me here
Anything to feel better
To live without a fear
But life is a battle
And I am destined to lose
As I sigh deeply and cry, tying this noose

Goodbye is now forever
The package at your door
Contains my final message
The words I couldn't say
I love you but I must go
Life was too much to bear
And so I fade away

Tears stream down my face
Life is for living
But that is not what I do
I am merely existing
Miserable and alone
Lacking love, happiness, hope
Sometimes it all seems so pointless
Why even bother getting up in the mornings?
When I know everyday is just the same
Sadness and misery and hatred
rationally I know the world can be beautiful
But I can not bring myself to believe
That my world can get any better
Than this harsh, desolate wasteland

Two hearts beating
Strangers, yes
But we're so much better than the rest
A connection running wide and deep
Better than any with the company you keep
Darling stare into my eyes
Choose to make me your only guy
Two beats one
This is true
Which is why I'm stuck here staring at you

The King sits atop his thrown
Overlooking the entire world
As we are all trapped beneath
And in his power, there is no happiness
In his power, there is no satisfaction
Just fear, and sadness
Because when everybody is watching
Every mistake hurts a thousand times more
And when everyone is watching
All of the paranoia is multiplied to a degree
That cripples ones ability to act, yet act they must
For leaders must lead no matter what
And while some have the character to do so
This king is a coward, doing his best
Which is hardly good at all
And he knows now that he is on top of the world
The only thing left for him to do
Is fall

The moon is full
This jacket is warm
My flask is empty
You are not here

She told me
She would rather a broken neck
Than another broken heart
I hugged her then
For there was no right answer
Just the silent acceptance of the fact
Life is pain, sometimes too great to handle

The music was so loud that night
And it overwhelmed all of our senses
Minds unable to think
And hearts unable to feel
Anything but what the music was
Telling us to experience
Together

The pain in his voice
Calling us back to
His memories and life
Tales of heartbreak and horror
Triumph and love
We are no longer ourselves
And it is good

Escaping from our bodies
Entering another's reality
So much less painful
Than our own battles
It keeps us sane
Gives us strength
Allows us to carry on living, for another dawn

Mental illness, chemical imbalance
A flaw in chemistry, dragging us down
A lost generation, drifting the ocean
Where happiness, can not be found

Depression a monster, stalking you constant
Her claws digging in, ready for the ****
Death a release, so inviting an option
Suicide is all we have, an escape from this world

Plummeting towards Earth
From such great heights
Having fallen victim
To such awful nights
Where we would sit up screaming
Voices raised, heated fights
A love, once so precious
A flame, no longer bright

Sitting on the dock smoking those stupid cigarettes
A half smile on your lips I fell in love
As the wind blows and howls
The lighter refuses to spark
So we huddled together
Hoping to nurse it to a blaze
Physically closer than we ever had been before

And as the lighter catches and you inhale deeply
I shrug and reach for one myself
Because in that moment you had stepped away
And i wanted you back in close
So I lit it, we sat together
Any doubts in my mind about my health
Erased by the rapid beating my heart felt

Arm in arm we talked the night away
Waiting for the sunrise
Two lonely souls now together
Bonded over a ritual as old as time itself
Yet still as magic as the day it was discovered
And when I looked over and asked you for another light
Our mouths were kissing; the world was right

The man sat on the edge of his bed
Staring blankly into the distance
An empty bottle shattered somewhere on the floor
Cigarette slowly burning between his lips
He hasn't shaved for days; he doesn't care anymore
Sweatpants and faded t-shirts
Too much coffee , not enough sleep
In his hand a six shot revolver
In his hand, the only chance to be free

On my knees by the bed
Praying for forgiveness
One shot in the chamber
Hoping I don't have to outlive this

Six shot revolver pressed to my right temple
Hand so steady, despite the potential
Of a tragic end to a tragic life
The thing i have dreamed of for the past thousand nights

Father above please guide me home
Your kingdom is waiting I can't go it alone
Because the night is dark and full of terrors
Please give me this, one last guilty pleasure

Lord hear me and answer
Please bless this revolver
A one in six chance
For my corpse at an altar

When you hear the word devil
The first thought that comes to mind
Is of a little red man with horns
He embodies evil, stands for darkness
And in theory, you know to always avoid him
Theory is far different from practice however
And the devil is a crafty man
Assuming many guises, hoping to ensnare you
He can be the most beautiful person in the world
Because he once was an angel, God's favorite
And though he has fallen from grace, his past remains

I never thought the devil would trick me
I was faithful, vigilant
I chose to seek out good people and live a life full of love
Little did I know, those good people
Were servants of the devil
Casting a facade, drawing me in
Ultimately, an attempt to destroy me was made
And though I did not perish
I am left a broken man
Unable to love, or trust
Because of two people, who seemed so wonderful
Who were actually the devil in disguise
Determined to crush my soul

It’s a daily battle
Me versus the fatigue
The soul crushing emptiness that fills me
And the dark thoughts that creep in
My defenses long battered, my energy drained
Chinks in the armor shine through
And I begin to falter, gradually weakening
The darkness asserts itself, carving out a foothold
And the emptiness spreads, filling the cavities of my chest
The days drag on, leading into nights filled with despair
My head pounds, my thoughts race
Will I ever escape this hell?

Fear and sorrow consume me
Conquering reason, allowing the evil to spread
Hope is dead, love has fled
Everywhere my defenses crumble
Leaving me raw and vulnerable

The emptiness has finished tis conquest
I am hollow inside, my soul devastated
The darkness has annexed my brain, destroying my sense of self
I have but one weapon left
An ace in the hole, as it were
Though I fear it may be too late to save me
The darkness lays siege to my last hope
Gnawing away, filling me with doubt
Faith in God has kept me alive
Yet that faith is failing, His presence faltering
I feel abandoned, my light snuffed out
Smoldering coals are all that is left of me

But, before they fade to black
I rally
Calling on my inner strength, and my savior above me
Throwing of the shackles of the darkness
And beginning the fight anew


This fight is eternal
The war shall never end
But I am surviving
I shall always endure