I have drifted around
The fringe of your life
Occasionally popping in
For a chat, or a hug
When courage struck me
But I always faded quick
When the fear returned

You see, I know myself
All of my flaws
My inadequacies
And my great many failings
So I always have felt
That I wasn't good enough
To waste your time

Your beautiful
Which is overrated
When compared to the extreme interest
To be found in your thoughts
Your sadness
Your history
all things which I wish to become intimate with

So perhaps someday
I will make a move
And invite you into this little world
I call home
But until that day, I shall live at a distance
Fading in and out of the periphery
A ghost, or a hint of a promuise

A knife in the back
Such a subtle weapon
Sneaking up unnoticed at force
Tip hovering behind your heart
And then a ****** and a twist
And death is upon thee
A knife in the back is such a subtle weapon
And it is what killed me

I thought we would be the friends
That managed to survive our youth
Without the dependence on drugs, and alcohol
So often found in our peers
A tool in their desperate pursuit of happiness

I thought you would be there with me
To talk, and joke
About being the only two not at the party
Getting slammed out of our minds
Stumbling away towards nowhere

I thought you were genuine
You promised me things wouldn't change
Saying wouldn't let the temptation get to you
Staring the demon in the face and whispering "no"
Because you'd seen the evil of its ways


We both come from families
With a background in addiction
We both have seen the damage it can do
Murdering a future
Shattering a family

I believed you when you told me
You understood what it was like
Watching her become someone vicious and nasty
And you swore that never, ever
Would you be the same

But I know better now, you're a fraud
A weak willed person
Afraid to stand up for yourself
When the people come knocking
Offering you a trip

These days I sit alone when there is a party
Because nobody is left on my side
This car so lonely when its only me
The empty seat next to me serving only as a bitter reminder
That nobody is with you, on your life's ride

In the course of human history
Two things have been discovered
That can never be conquered
Those being death, and time
All men must die
Time can never stop moving forward
This is known for sure
Accepted by all
So what is one to do?
When they know death is inevitable
Feel frozen in time
As if they are being left behind
Lost in a world
They do not belong in
Unstable, emotionally damaged
If they are always miserable
What options do they have?
The pain will not fade
Time will not stop
Death is all that is left
So they **** themselves
Friends and family are outraged
Hurt by the loss of someone
Saying he was selfish for leaving
Bitter and angry
They do not even bother trying
To put themselves in his shoes
But if they did
They would know
That suicide?
Was the only choice
He had to take

the water is murky and ***** and grey
but the fish keep swimming and swimming and
nobody asked to feel this way
but if the fish manage to survive
we can too

Forever is a long time
Without you by my side
Best friends turned enemies
Hatred where there was once love
Its a sad thing, when a relationship dies

But sometimes things just don't work out
And you can find better friends than me
But I hope somewhere, deep down
You understand what you lost
When you walked away from here

Deep in my mind
There is a box
Padlocked with a key
That I fear I have lost

Inside is all of the things
Needed to bring me joy
Friendship, love, peace
Locked away from a sad boy

Ghosts of the past
Lingering for so long
Whispering hate so powerful
Making one wish they were gone

The demons are persistent
Never do they cease
The memories, so fatal
Prevent one from finding peace

White is the color of purity
That which is clean, innocent, tame
White stands for sunshine, music, dancing
All the things that bring you joy

Black is the color of darkness
The evils you can find in the night
The monster under the bed, the shadows on the wall
And when cruelty and power combine'

Red is the color of passion, hot and furious it will be
Love, lust, anger, hate
Wildfire which shall not be controlled
But will burn its brightest until it destroys itself

Blue is the color of calm
Still water on a cloudless day
It is also the color of sadness
Deep and haunting, crushing your soul

Flesh is the color of man
He responsible for all the magic and pain in the world
It can come in any shade, yet its all the same
Good and evil, a swirl

Don't you understand?
All the time, i am miserable
Never feeling love or joy
Instead, trapped in a world of loneliness and self hatred
Everyday is a battle, and the more time passes, the more I am losing
Life full of hardships, too much for me to bear

Kings bear the weight of their crowns with grace
Even when the challenges they face are insurmountable
Not once do they express doubt
Not once do they waver in their strength
Every man can not be king though
That much has been proven with my life
Hope long gone, death in its place, a young soul now departed

Riding the train
Her head on my shoulder
Off to the city
A lovely springtime date

I can't help but feel
That life gets no better
Than the silent intimacy
We found that day

Dead beat loner trapped in a world
Soon to be stoner not moving forward
Friends off to college, mistakes of the past
Keep him stuck at home, life changed so fast
From bright with a future to dumb soon to die
Chain smoking cigarettes, maybe tonight is the night
Sick in the head, broken down mind
Illness killed potential, future died those nights
Flirting with death while my love was asleep
Nobody to help me, nobody to set me free
One man army always doomed to fail
One man army, now a corpse so pale

Justin Vernon had his cabin in the woods
A place where he found peace on Earth
Temporarily freed from the plagues of living
Blessed with the tranquility of a spiritual rebirth
Lost in the world I searched for my own meaning
A place I could call my home
Searching desperately for the illusion of safety
Praying that I wouldn't have to spend this life alone
But a million lost souls told a million sad tales
With words far more beautiful than mine
So when my journey became too much for you to handle
I understand why you walked away, for the final time

lay me down
oh so gently
if you please
the ground beckons
send me there
a wooden box
to hold me
forever and always
as my body
fades into dust
and my soul
slowly slips out
of your memories

bury me with
books, roses, candles
that which brought
me a smile
when times took
a turn down
a harder path
the path which
led me to
my final failing
gun in mouth
finger on trigger
victim in grave

I want the kind of love
Where you wake up at 2 in the morning
From a nightmare
And see her, smile and everything is okay

I want the kind of love
Where you sit in a park smoking cigarettes
Holding hands, people watching, observing the beauty of life
Enhanced by a companion ever so dear

I want the kind of love
Where sometimes when you get particuarly depressed
You are able to stay safe and sane
Because you have someone to save you

I want the kind of love
Where your reality is better than your dreams
So you don't sleep much
Preferring to talk through the night about anything and everything

I want that kind of love
But its not in the cards for me
The hand I was dealt leaves me miserable, alone
Trapped in a world on my own

Rock bottom was my home
But I slipped through the cracks
Free falling into oblivion
With no end in sight, I wait
Dreaming of the night
You will be here next to me
Promising that everything will be okay

But optimism is a fools gold
And Eve cursed us
So I know there is no hope for lost souls
No peace for weary minds
Just a life full of pain, and fear
Empty bottles on the night stand
And unanswered prayers

I can't get her out of my head
It's this girl
A stranger to me, yet all I can think of
Beautiful beyond belief
A million dollar smile
The easiest laugh I have ever had the pleasure of hearing
Its this girl
And she will never be mine

Walks in the park
Naps in the sun
I just want some tea by the fire
Skinny dipping at midnight
Kisses stolen, snatches of heaven
Secrets shared, sleep long forgotten
I just want to love, and be loved

That's not how it works though
For me, anyways
I will get loneliness
Nights spent by myself
Nobody to share the blanket with
Or to rely on, while being relied on

Its this girl
And she won't be mine

Dreams are so fickle a thing
Vivid, intense in the moment
You can feel her hand in yours
Taste her kiss lingering upon your lips
Hear the beautiful sounds of her laughter
But in a moment, all gone
The shrill screams of an alarm
Shattering the tranquility of a moment
Found only in your dreams

I fell in love
Once
Or perhaps twice
It is hard to tell these things
When I am so young
But back to the subject
I fell in love
And it left me damaged
Unable to fully trust
Anyone
I am trapped in a lonely world
Despair is my companion
And though I wish nothing more
Than to give myself to
Another
My brain won't let me
It shies away from
Intimacy
Because when you let someone in
They can destroy you
And my heart can't handle
Another break

Growing older
Time runs out
Mistake no longer can be undone
I'm stuck with the hand I was dealt
Depression and sickness, forever a plague
A life of misery awaits
Nobody cares if you're sad as an adult
You're supposed to stand up and be a man
Men don't cry
Men are always strong
And I don't think I am capable of that

Originality is dead
Everything that can be done
Has been done
And creativity is a joke
Because the words he writes
Have been said a hundred times in a hundred different ways
Better or worse, its the same
And that sameness is suffocating
For an individual is the highest from of life
And the mob has overwhelmed him
To the point where he can't see why
He should bother fighting for his life

Sometimes I don't know why I bother
Well, actually, that's a lie
I never know why i bother
To struggle through everyday
Overwhelmed with sadness
Every waking moment is a battle
And my strength is faltering

My body bears the marks
Of a war long waged
Against myself
You either win or die
In his kind of war
And I find myself far closer to dying
With every sunrise

Goodbyes would be too painful
Probably more than I could bear
So if that day ever does come
It will seem i disappeared
With no explanation found
And nothing to comfort those I leave behind
Assassinated by this sadness, erased from your minds

Mistakes
I remember one day
We were standing in the snow
Winter was strange that year
Bi-polar in a way
Icy nights mixed with 50 degree days
Not much made sense
Until I found you
And you were my rock
Steady, constant
Keeping me levelheaded throughout all the trials and tribulations
That a young man faces growing up

I never knew I needed that
Someone I could rely on
So I foolishly struck out on my own
Thinking I was stronger
Than I actually could be
So when I burned out, like always
I had nobody to save me
So I crashed hard

These days I miss you
And regret walking away
Because I know now that I needed you
And I think I still need you
To make things feel okay
When life is going to hell
And I feel all alone
So if I ask you to come back?
Could I have you, for just one day?

Death so tempting a lover
Because life is a *****
Death so tempting an escape
Because life is a trap
Suicide a suddenly reasonable action
Because living became too hard

I am a dead man
Not physically, for my heart still beats
And air fills my lungs
And my mind wanders
But spiritually
After seeing my innocence slaughtered
My trust in humanity shattered
And that unshakable belief that everything would be okay
Shaken
Murdered by a cold cruel world
Where men need a bottle just go get by
Because facing reality is too much to bear
And a woman sits crying
Because her husband is never home
And she has to raise the kids all on her own
Kids who, with the right guidance, would be amazing
But one parent isn't enough
So the children waste away into nothing
Fading away into the monotony
Of existence
Just as I have done

The sight of blood
You think I would have grown accustomed to it
After all, I've released so much
Wrecking pencil sharpeners, staining sheets
Blood has been a steady companion of mine these past few years
So it came as a surprise to find myself so weak
Heart racing, body shaking just at the sight of a movie
A death scene I knew was coming
But I couldn't foresee how much it shook me
Breaking down in public is hard
Trying to hide your mind falling apart
Its not something anybody should have to do
Part of that ****** hand life has dealt me
But have,  what else is new?

The witching hour
A time when I am alone
Perhaps I shall die

This is one for all those sad girls
Who just can't seem to understand
How beautiful they are, how perfect
The girl of somebodies dreams

This is one for all the fuckups
The one's who mean well
And try to be good
But always go down in flames

This one is for all the rejects
Sitting alone on the stairs
Life get's better son, I swear it
Someday this place will be yours

This is one for all the people
Who couldn't find a way to deal
So they checked out
Forever

This is one for you
And here's another for me
Raise your glass to the outcasts
Pray for them to be happy

She loves me
She loves me not
She loves me
She loves me not
She loves me not
She loves me not
It always comes back to this
Affection from afar
One sided, hidden
Longing infecting my every thought
Every moment, every action
Defined by the ultimate question
What if?

What if, she did love me
How would things be
Nights together under the stars, secrets swapped like treasures
Or how it usually is
Cold
Empty
Painful
I don't search for an answer to What if
Because I am afraid to find out

my dreams are suicidal
my nightmares are eternal
my bank account is empty
my house is not a home
my loved one did abandon me
my body it is failing me
my twenty first birthday is approaching
i just hope i'm not alone

God is in the rain
I heard that once and it always stuck with me
Even though, I was never quite sure what it meant
Until one rainy night
Warm, breezy, romantic
I found myself alone with you
Falling madly in love

Something about the rain is so seductive
Perfect weather to lie in bed
Bodies intertwined as a movie plays in the background
Your head on my chest
Heart beating so swiftly
A half smile on your lips
Because you hear it beat, and know what it means

A musician once told me
That God is love
And for me
On that most perfect of days
Our souls converged
Driven by the love found in the rain
Just as God is

The walls were blue or
Maybe, grey and
Your eyes were brown
Your hair, the same
The music so soft
An echo in my mind
The hours drifted slowly
The worst passage of time

My voice, once sure
Now hesitant and shy
My heart, once pure
Now broken and dying
In the moonlight through the window
You looked at me like a ghost
As you told me, so cruelly
I was not the man you loved the most

Somebody out there
Is fighting a war
And that war is over nothing
But the perceived imperfections
That they find in themselves

Discovering problems when none are there
Without realizing the lack of substance
Just created villains out of air, not understanding reality
But for them, the problems were always there
And they weren't self made, they just occurred

And the war over that which is not real
Is the bloodiest conflict in history
With casualties every day, battles every night
Men and woman, adults and children perish
Fighting for a cause they don't understand
That those on the outside can't see

Because this war is in hell
And hell is a state of mind
And when there, every moment is a struggle
To stay alive and hold back the demons
Swarming through your mind

there ain't no place in the world
for a boy with a broken heart
and a torn up wrist
with a noose in the closet

because we are supposed to be men
strong and emotionless
and not this ******* wreck
i have become instead

Some distances seem insurmountable
Miles can be light years in the wrong hands and
A solitary life was never what I wanted but
You're gone and all I have left here is
Love for you
Contempt for myself
Long nights filled with nothingness
And a desperate need to be okay

It is quiet here
An eerie silence
As if we were in the time before time
When God reigned alone
And humanity was naught but a thought

Life, such a trifling thing
Fleeting, brief
Like a flash in the pan, or a shooting star
A moment, quickly forgotten
By the powers above

Silence, accompanied by darkness
The darkness you can feel, a solid wall
Where you can't move, can't breathe
Can't do anything at all
But feel terrified, of those in the dark

Those things, wrought by your fear
Undefined, unnamed, but immensely powerful
The darkest dregs of your unconscious are concealed here
Here, in the darkness
Where the monsters roam

everything is a circle
progress is a joke
i promised you i'd quit but still
i smoke and smoke and smoke
you told me that you loved me
i promised you the world
but you ran off for another
left me to grow alone

i loved a girl
with broken eyes
deep, sad
you could drown in them
and so i did
gasping for breath
as she pulled me under

i loved a girl
with too many scars
reminders of battles i could not help her win
with every tracing by my fingers
i wished to erase
any and all of her pain

i loved a girl
from a broken home
yelling parents
alcohol consumed
i tried to be an island
a steady rock
an alternative to the misery of her house

i loved a girl
and gave her my all
so it killed me harder
to watcher her fall
into this pit of sadness and addiction
and as i sit here in pain, wishing i could have saved her
i wondered if loving anyone
was worth it

You can't see beyond
What you expect to see before your eyes
You see the crown of the King
But not the man beneath it
You see the tears of a son
But not the underlying causation
And you think yourself perceptive
But you refuse to move beyond the obvious
And in our world, the obvious usually is not the truth
Complicated people concoct complicated cover stories
To deflect questions and attention, for ours is a cold, impersonal world
Where a fake smile is always more loved than a real frown
And an aura of nonchalance trumps any level of seriousness
Its a cold world, yes, and cruel
So put on your mask my friend
But be careful to remember
That all of us, every single one
Hide behind our own masks, for our own reasons
And you can trust in nothing but yourself and God
Rely on nothing but yourself and God
Because in the end, who else is there?
Nobody

shattered glass can never truly be fixed
and what's now ash can never return to what it once was
i'll never forgive you for how you treated me
and i'll never forget what you threw away

Scars on my wrist
Relics of a still breathing era
Reminding me of all the battles
I had the misfortune to lose
Tears on the pillow, blood on the sheets
I'm just a boy with a tragic past
Who longs for the day when I'm dead at last

You hear the ticking of the clock
Steady, droning on and on
Marking the path to death
A long, harrowing journey

You heard the ticking of the clock
Or rather, you thought you did
Until the sudden revelation that it was a bomb
Intent on shortening that journey quite considerably

Across the room you sit
Absorbed in thought
Biting your lower lip
While you contemplate
Lord knows what
But I wish it was me

Shyly, I stare at you
My bangs hiding my eyes
Praying you don't notice me
But wanting nothing more than to attract your attention
And perhaps I could draw a smile
From your thin red lips

You're beautiful
Not in the flashy, mini skirt kind of way
But in that subtle, wink across a crowded room style
Flying under the radar, until noticed
When you steal the show
And capture my attentions like nothing else can

I do not know why a girl like you
Would give someone like me a chance
So I sit here dreaming, hoping, longing
For the day when I get the courage to walk over and ask
If you'd spend some time with me
And pray you say yes

Life is full of strange little things
Like the fact that
None of us have ever actually seen our faces
Only our reflections
That seems so strange
All the people you've seen cry, all the smiles you have witnessed
But you have never viewed your own?
Eyes, brown or blue or green
Deep and sad, light and happy
A myriad of teeth and lips
Crooked noses, freckles
You can take them in on anyone and everyone
Except for yourself
I just think its strange
That you never get to see
The real you

Some days
The words don't flow
The bank of ideas has gone bankrupt
And the well of thoughts has dried up
This is one of those days

Dark red stains on clean white sheets
Cracked pencil sharpeners, missing a piece
Angst and loneliness spelled out in blood
Bitter and afraid, longwing for the one I loved
To save me from this wreck
That has become my ******* life
Trapped inside a world
Where I can't get any respite
From the pain, oh the pain
That makes death seem like the only escape
And as the artist turns back to his canvas
He carves a heart
Broken and empty
On his pale white skin

I hate that I love you
Its that day of the year
A time for romance
Hands held, and love
But you are gone

I never thought that
Life could ever be this good and
I'm blessed with so many wonderful people
And so many wonderful things in
My life, but
It's really disheartening to know that
Even with all the good things happening
Mental illness will never let me truly be free

Smoke filled my lungs
As we sat on the porch
Swinging back and forth
In silence, neither of us daring
To break the silence
That hung between us like a curtain
Because if one of us spoke
Reality would come rushing back
And we would be reminded that
Life is pain
With every passing moment
Bringing us closer to our
Death
And though this seemed eternal
Our night together
Was doomed to die

Death is immortality
What is gone can never be forgotten