it was the kind of winter that sits in your bones
the red house with the yellow door on the corner had too many holes
nobody spoke except to sigh and watch their breath float away
and the markets were bad, and the oil was expensive
the liquor flowed freely even though the bills were unpaid
they just hung over our heads, those silent monsters always present
but sprawled together on that grey couch we were at peace
and even if things weren't great, we made them good

everything is a circle
you've played this game for years
twelve, seventeen, twenty-five
it is all the same my dear

sitting outside the bar, chain smoking again
the clock just hit midnight, you've been here since ten
and you only came out, to see some old friends
but it seems they're just nowhere to be found
so you head back inside, settle your tab
make a joke about loneliness, with a maniacal laugh
and you hope and you pray, that things they could change
but you know it's a pipe dream, this life will remain

anger is red
hatred is black
love was white
i hate that you left

mixed signals and unclear intentions
no idea what either of us want
surreal nights you aren't sure are real
secrets you swear you've never told
intensely casual conversations
treatises on dying young and alone
you're somewhere out there away from me
and neither of us can go home

my dreams are suicidal
my nightmares are eternal
my bank account is empty
my house is not a home
my loved one did abandon me
my body it is failing me
my twenty first birthday is approaching
i just hope i'm not alone

3 years together, 6 months apart
feeling better than i ever have
but I've got this stupid heart
telling me that i love you
and deep down i know it's true
stuck now with regret and memories
wishing you still loved me too

chain smoking on the balcony with a Buddhist monk
not sure how i got here or where he is from
he talks about honesty and compassion and faith
and the girl that he married, that incredible earthquake
he looks at me and asks where i want to go
i tell him to tomorrow, and after that who knows
with a sigh and a smile he ashes and says
you keep living for tomorrow and eventually you're dead

there is a war for my mind
some debt, i have to satisfy
for 8 years i have lied in wait
while this monster sits, draining my strength
there is a dream in my mind
exactly what, i do not know
but i can't march forward and fight for it
while this army, it eyeballs my throne
there is a reckoning coming
one war, to start them all
either i will live or i will die
but in fear, i shall live no more

what's the point of good news if you have no one to share it with
what's the point of bad news if you have no one to bear it with
Zeus split us up eons ago when he saw our power
i just want you to come home

no such thing as a lost cause
you won't always feel this way
a year can turn somebody into a stranger
some things you just can't contorl

i'm gonna call my grandma more
pet stranger's dogs
i'm gonna be more confident
and conquer some old fears
write every day
and learn how to cook

i'm gonna talk to new people
try to kick *** in school
i'm gonna paint something silly
and read more
maybe find some new purpose
and finally get over you

this car is almost out of gas
this highway seems endless
this drive is oh so lonely
i liked it better when you were here

it's so loud
you search for pockets of air
a quiet place to gather
relax, re-engage
it's so loud
the music is blaring and the people are yelling
and you're not really sure why you're here
why you keep coming here

it's so loud
and the drinks cost ten dollars
you don't know how many you've had
but you lie and say the next one is the last
it's so loud
as you feel yourself slipping away
and you're not really what you're doing this for
or how you're gonna break out of this daze

its when you fall asleep at 4 in the morning
knowing full well you have to wake up at 7
its 6 cups of coffee and a pack of smokes
anything to get you through the day

its stumbling into work 10 minutes late
hoping to God that nobody asks you why
its shedding weight because you can't eat anymore
and self-deprecating jokes about your raccoon eyes

its when your posted up at the bar
with no clue what the time is
its that sinking feeling in your stomach when you think
the bartender knows you better than your own friends

its trying to move on
but not believing you can
its wishing she still loved you
and that you could find peace again

king's **** when the prince feels power
depression kills when the soul feels better
ethered my life, i'd take it all back
but you don't wanna hear it
so now i'm sort of trapped
ball of regret, looking back on that night
intoxicated and manic shoulda known i ain't right
but what's done is done, all you can do is live
and hope she forgives you for the times you did sin

everything is a circle
progress is a joke
i promised you i'd quit but still
i smoke and smoke and smoke
you told me that you loved me
i promised you the world
but you ran off for another
left me to grow alone

Some distances seem insurmountable
Miles can be light years in the wrong hands and
A solitary life was never what I wanted but
You're gone and all I have left here is
Love for you
Contempt for myself
Long nights filled with nothingness
And a desperate need to be okay

time moves so
slow, when i'm with you and
i can imagine, in the chaos of my mind
a future, of you and i
together
forever living in love and bliss
waking up every morning just to give you a kiss
falling further and further in love and i know
you are my soul mate,my everything
my world

Insomniac nights are so lonely and
Bizarre, with the medicine not working
Tossing and turning, half awake hallucinating
Sad and confused and fed up and bitter
Praying for sleep, or death, or relief
In the back of my mind wondering
If I'd ever fall asleep sad with you by my side

shattered glass can never truly be fixed
and what's now ash can never return to what it once was
i'll never forgive you for how you treated me
and i'll never forget what you threw away

I never thought that
Life could ever be this good and
I'm blessed with so many wonderful people
And so many wonderful things in
My life, but
It's really disheartening to know that
Even with all the good things happening
Mental illness will never let me truly be free

the water is murky and ***** and grey
but the fish keep swimming and swimming and
nobody asked to feel this way
but if the fish manage to survive
we can too

The moon is full
This jacket is warm
My flask is empty
You are not here

Eternal suffering was too much of a commitment
No more depression
One bullet

Friendship shouldn't feel like a one way street
You shouldn't love someone only when you're in need
People aren't tools you can use to just solve a problem
And throw back into the shed until you need them again

Empty promises and carefree living
Hazy nights and forgettable days
Chasing pleasure wherever it can be found
Never remembering those who once stood besides you
Bitterness is poison, a slow killer slinking in
But I can't help but feel as if you abandoned me
The first chance you got, without second thought
You'll never find someone else like this

Nostalgia is poison seeped in my veins
I remember that last sad smile as you turned away from me
Though it has been years some thing never fade
Like the pleasure the first time our eyes were blessed to meet
Through fire and brimstone, demons and hell
That immense joy always linger, threatening to ****
What little sanity I had, and though until now I've survived
This nostalgia is killing me, making we wish for
One last time

Forever is a long time
Without you by my side
Best friends turned enemies
Hatred where there was once love
Its a sad thing, when a relationship dies

But sometimes things just don't work out
And you can find better friends than me
But I hope somewhere, deep down
You understand what you lost
When you walked away from here

I remember sitting in some basement at 10:58 on a random summer night
I remember how the movie we watched wasn't very scary
I remember we both pretended it was so we had an excuse to cuddle together
I remember long nights dreaming about you and I together
I remember how seconds felt like hours staring into your eyes
I remember standing together at one in the morning
I remember how the car broke down, and we were both oh so chilly
I remember the feel of your breath on my neck as we stood together
I remember explaining the next day how we were just friends
I remember a time before all I could think was I love you
I remember being scared you wouldn't feel the same way
I remember waking up next to you
I remember wishing we were old enough to wake up together every day
I remember long looks, quick smiles, bad jokes, sweaty hands
I remember shared drinks, borrowed clothes, tight hugs, your laugh
I forget when it was exactly that I fell in love with you
But I know that ever since, nothing was the same

Everything is so fragile
Stare at the water, look yourself in the eyes
One pebble can upset the whole surface
It takes ages for things to become right
Regret is black coffee in the morning
And two packs of cigarettes each day
Not caring for tomorrow
Nothing is promised anyways

I got 99 problems and all of them's being happy
Cracks in the foundation
I don't know who I am supposed to be
4 years of life wasted
Tattered skins and ashen lungs
Barely survived, on the other side
Unsure of what can be done
To move forward now, changed as I am
Once so damaged, now a healed man
Recovery isn't a straight line
Relapse will occur
But for the first time in my life
I don't want to leave this world

Dead beat loner trapped in a world
Soon to be stoner not moving forward
Friends off to college, mistakes of the past
Keep him stuck at home, life changed so fast
From bright with a future to dumb soon to die
Chain smoking cigarettes, maybe tonight is the night
Sick in the head, broken down mind
Illness killed potential, future died those nights
Flirting with death while my love was asleep
Nobody to help me, nobody to set me free
One man army always doomed to fail
One man army, now a corpse so pale

January 5th, 2001
4 years old I am sledding
A day filled with fun
My parents they smile
My baby sister she laughs
All together so happy
But it just couldn't last

A phone call, so brief
Told of death in my home
My best friend, my uncle
Had died last night, all alone
Overdosed they say, ****** hits hard
His mother crying and crying, begging to God
To bring him back please, save him just once
But God plays no favorites, and what's done is done

Poison in my veins, I can feel it when I breathe
The blood of an addict lives on inside of me
Pills and cigarettes, comfort in pain
Unable to escape that nagging in the back of my brain
Because the man I knew so long ago seemed happy
Or so my younger self was told
And though I swear I know better I can't help but dream
Of giving his life a go

A very famous man once said
My reality is brighter than your dreams are
On top of the world, so joyously triumphant
I never in a million years would have dreamed
That I could somehow relate

But with every moment I spent
Holding you tight to my chest
Every kiss of your lips
Your fingers tracing down my neck
I began to understand
What it was like to know Love
The sweetest of happiness
God's Gift from above

In life I've never been an optimist
Conditioned to expect the worst
But with you around it is easy
To see that life isn't meant to hurt
Times do change, things do gets better
We can grow and we can learn
With you by my side darling
I'm on top of the world

You can forgive, not forget
Because the past never really dies
It fades away into awkward silences
And sideways glances
Just below the surface, hidden in plain sight
Things always end badly
Because the end only comes when something has gone wrong
Knowing this, I was still shocked to see you become
So cruel and callous a person
Without a **** to give for those you loved

The shadows of love become the ghosts of the past
Found only in the smells trapped between your sheets
Friendships fade into nothingness leaving so little trace
You can hardly believe they were real
Times do change and people grow up
But every so often, someone gets left behind
Cigarette after cigarette just biding their time
Until they can again find meaning in life

Honest moments are born
In the predawn stillness of the night
Tearful confessions whispered
Into the nook of one's neck
Smoke drifting lazily towards the ceiling
While the candle flickers in the background
Dancing and dancing all of the pain away

You can make peace with the past
But it will never truly fade
The thousand days I spent with you
Now fill my heart with pain
We were so close, our friendship solid
But sadly change came around
Our priorities were different
Your choices were clear
As you buried me in the ground

Promises are made to be broken and
Your words are as hollow as this home
Empty gestures I no longer believe in
And a sense of dread whenever you call
Friendship is a two way street
But I had to put all the time in
Next time you call I won't answer the phone
Find a new fool to confide in

One man army staring into the abyss
Thin skinned crusader trying to shift the culture
But when you fall, you fall alone
And rock bottom is a lonely place
Every night another war to be fought
Allies perished, friends are gone
So this is growing up my darling
I'm not sure how long I can go on

Contrast is stunning and
My life is the greatest juxtaposition
Depression and anxiety
Drained of energy, bouncing off the walls
Stared death in the face a few times
Victim to the darkest spots in my mind
Suicidal, still living day after day
Stuck here forever, in a world full of grey

Rock bottom isn't a place but
A state of mind, and
Mental illnesses linger in
The nooks and crannies of your mind
Depression always present
Wreaking havoc on your days
Anxiety a crippling punishment
Filling this life with pain
Never sleeping, because the nightmares
Have grown to loud at night
Eyes open, stare at the ceiling
Unsure if you can continue the fight

Broken glass covers the floor
The smell of alcohol fills the air
Ever since you walked out my door
Life has been filled with such despair
Best friends forever
Turned out to be the sweetest of lies
Because broken people are always abandoned
It was only a matter of time
Before you grew sick of the sadness
The endless darkness inside
Of me, hopeless, depressed, damaged
You didn't even say goodbye

Pleasant surprises never come to me and
Pessimism is how I learned to survive
So forgive me if I show doubt my darling
I haven't felt this happy for a very long time

My hands, they quiver
My voice, it shakes
My heart, its pounding
My head, it aches
My friends, they're dead
My enemies, in power
My life, its passing
My death, next hour

The contrast is stunning
Taking my breath away
Only when I'm so happy do I realize
How miserable were the other days
Life is always so heavy
Weighed down by fear and the past
Though things seem so perfect right now
I'm terrified they won't last

You asked me where
My home was and
I explained to you that rainy night
That my home wasn't a place but
A time in my life
When hope was around
Faith still here
The gun wasn't loaded
And I wasn't filled with fear

The man sat on the edge of his bed
Staring blankly into the distance
An empty bottle shattered somewhere on the floor
Cigarette slowly burning between his lips
He hasn't shaved for days; he doesn't care anymore
Sweatpants and faded t-shirts
Too much coffee , not enough sleep
In his hand a six shot revolver
In his hand, the only chance to be free

If he dies, he dies
With trouble on his mind
Future looking hazy
This is the end of the line
With a cigarette in hand, walking to the water
He hit the bottle hard, longing for the other
One, in his life that could make all this right
But this is the real world, not a dream
And after that fight
She isn't coming back, he knows this in his heart
As he looks up to the sky
Praying for this life to stop
Not thinking of the good things
Trapped in a world full of pain
Blinders on, paranoia rules here
No love left, just hate
Chemical dependencies couldn't take him away
The six shot revolver, couldn't decide his fate
So he turned his hood up and walked into the distance
Praying for an act of God to please
Simply just end this