she’s so ugly
oh my gosh look at her
my classmates whisper about the
girl who’s always late
i push my eyes into their
home-y sockets
all i see is black
and toned down speckled
neon blue blotches
looking like adipose tissue
mushing
keeping my sanity contained
cushioned
their voices fade out
the teacher’s does too
drowned out
black waves encapsulate
the scenery
and it’s beautiful
i flow with the tides of
the silent madness of the ocean
i peer out for more but no luck
no boats
no scrambling children by the shore
no kites
no dock.
there’s no escape

..
and my heart knew what it wanted
my mind knew what it needed
my mind knew what it went through before
my eyes remembered those nights that soaked my pillows of drunken tears
..
but my soul painted murals of beautiful scenery and
cute moments and
and late night calls and inside jokes

starring us and it seemed so real i could just touch it
if i could just reach
close enough
i’d be
really ha-

and so i lay here
reminiscing about how beautiful
that evening was

the orangey-red scheme
and how it made your eyes look warmer
than usual
and as you spoke it hurt
but i was happy
knowing
that you were there
with me in that moment
and you
possibly
won’t forget me..






amor eterno

the house’s light dimmed as each room
from the outside turned off
where the bugs in the walls really came to life
to light
in the dark
the cracks airing out
absorbing moisture from
showers that run a little too hot
there’s spots now
on the ceiling
like when i’d get in trouble as a girl for blowing bubbles on the wood floor
cleanliness over kids memories
‘ but can’t they make memories
without being messy ‘
mom would chuckle as she slapped
the wet mop to the ground in the next room
as i tell her my thought process
i saw the stain on the rug in my room
it was by the hands of the previous owners
of course
and i thought of how i didn’t hurt you
you came damaged
troubled
distressed
and i caught your eye
and i to you
hollow and needed soothing
like aloe vera to the scalp
a release once more
like acupuncture to the nerve
the satisfaction like finding the perfect
last line
for a poem
i saw the stain
and fell in love with you all over again
while my sister asked why i was smiling at the rug

what are you doing
waiting for someone
who
i don’t remember anymore
i don’t think they remember i’m waiting either
so what are you doing now

holding on to what could’ve been

I saw your look and I knew something was up.
You said you were fine and I thought we got past your lying phase.
I want to know what's wrong and
I've actually never seen you cry..
I think you have heard me cry on the phone once..
nope actually a couple occasions.

I wonder if you're up..
if you decided to eat today but it shouldn't have to be that way.

My dad loves you a lot and
he always asks me about you and I'll
always reply with a "he's good" cuz what else would I say right?
The truth.
Like the opposite.
That you're breaking and what's holding you together is..



Only four minutes have passed.

i slept well
i woke up this morning
only thinking about you..
wondering how you slept..
wondering if you’re all okay
wondering if you thought of me
too..

Makes you want to tie the noose
And hang loose
like all the kids do
in a world full of blue
Even though you always hide
I really tried to be like you
and hold these feelings
  
inside.
It's a constant fight
I put up with it with all might.
Now it's time for my silent goodbye.

i lay here again
as i wonder what it’s like to be felt
ferverously by your curious hands.
pero
i’ll be patient and alone
waiting for only you to claim
my throne.

she met with him
in room 184 of
the love motel
the plants were dying sooner this fall
and so was she.

she’d yelp as he tightened his grip
around her waist
making it harder to breathe
making the guilt harder to bear
-with every gasp
she only thought about his heart wearing away within him

and when it was dun
she gave way to tears as he wiped her
chest.





hard to smudge regret

you brought me a dead
rose and saved it till it made
a poetic mess

that’s a mistake you’ve always made
trying to love me

then again you were the kinda person
who always gave people seven chances until they
proved themselves right

im up to four strikes,
no?

tender childhood piraguas
pinchos
borinquen place
bbqs on the sidewalk
ice from the dollar store
gleaming on our necks till the
skin glows green
knee scrapes
Vicks to solve all
problems thoobies and
missing bobby pins under
rugs a neighborhood i’ve never-
yet always known, a glimpse of it and
it takes me back the cousin
always spiking my
Malta the **** that never
leaves the kitchen the smaller
cousins that lived in the park around
the block
the older cousin
that was always on
the phone with a different
boy, and kept a blanket over
the body mirror and refused to
explain why, we’d get a
shipment from our
family de la isla
mangoes
aguacates and
quenepas fly out
the box while everyone
calls dibs and i’m home.

the pressure to have the
perfect summer
i look at my baby hands-
as if they’ve never laid a finger
on a sponge
the Ajax and sprinkles of water
coagulating into dusty paste
against a tub
the color-
my nails of course-
glistened against the tense rays
of our obnoxious star
‘créme brûlée you say?’
was the color

and for a moment i disliked you less ;
the night a crescent moon appeared
next to venus ;
i felt my bitterness defrost
reluctantly
i let the corners of my lips turn up
making me forget how you’d let me down and
to no avail, you keep me on the side
not by yours of course and
i was right once again.

i’m not one to fall into these things
these are for foolish girls who put faith in the stupidest boys thinking that they were put on this earth- to mold somebody’s son into a man (?)
i honestly never thought it’d end- but when
it’s too good to be true
it is.
and to think i’d be the one that you wanted and
don’t tell them all the good i did for you because i won’t look like the bad guy anymore.
but you probably have that covered.

. .
being with you for a year and some months

and a ten hour conversation
i only then realized

between all of our subconscious thoughts
and drunken confessions

that

i was really loved
and i was so busy trying to guard myself
from potential heartache
that it was already too late before i really could

and i wouldn’t want it any other way.

L ike servitude to the patriarchal figure- but
not cuz he deserves it

O verlooking his faults because there’s so much more to him than his temper

V ain, he won’t love me the same if i look too ethnic

E scape ? There is none..


i’m kidding..trust me..i like it here

if love were a food,
what would it be..?

i stroke the dirt above you
and hug your stone
never minding the soil that stains my jeans
a tear rolls down my cheek
as i trace my index over your
engraved name
and the wind whistles for
us both

and then he felt like talking to her
made him see
through the dull and somewhat cloudy
transparency of the plastic prism
within himself
and he saw so much more light.

only realizing he was reaching
just too

close
to the sun.

i’ll be waiting for you
to walk through the door.

i want to see your face when you see me



wearing only
your ring.

want you to hold me as
tight as you hold on to a lie

clinging to it with coveted life
yearn for me
hold my thighs over your
shoulders like an emotional burden
ravage yourself through me
while you quench your thirst
for forbidden honeydew
while i continue to regret meeting
you.

her lips were
sweet and thick
like
fresh mango nectar
unruly wavy hair draped over knee as she drew until the sun came up again

you just want to put her in
a glass
savor
and sip her till there’s
nothing left

she loves him as much as a
jungle gym loves
children on a sunny spring afternoon..

unraveling the powdery ball
from being encased in plastic
sinvergüenza!
you left the price on it to
prove how much you do for me
i watched the bath bomb
that you bought me months ago
still fizz after i put it to soak
after months of being disregarded
and saved for the perfect,
most overwhelming time,
it still had it's touch
the passing months
we broke down
in lukewarm waters
traced our love with chalky fingers
and the memories didn't matter anymore
essential oils fill the air of my bathroom
and the stress releases and i become pure again
it was so beautiful and
i must thank you
for what you left of me

oh but i
adore you so much my love..

i feel lightheaded from all the hyperventilating..
i slept well that night i ain’t even gon’ lie
i had another sepia dream too..
mhm
but less of what you’re expecting

i dreamt of gravity keeping us around..
and nothing stopped us
and no one came in between..

explain to me truly beb..
what is this love..

the packing was 7 minutes and the parking was
an hour so during the ride
i lathered myself in baby sunscreen to prevent
early aging..
mom said so so it must be true.

i head to the boardwalk and the beach is filled with
multicolored umbrellas
seagulls relentlessly following people for their food
revealing swimsuits and a whole lotta stretch marks
and mixed faces alike
and i only have one thought in my mind..

what was i thinking..

i make sure to kiss my mother
every night
every morning and
twice more in between..
just so she could know it wasn’t her
fault that i
passed.

it’s like i could still hear her

calling my name.


she was too impatient to go..



es como si nunca te hubieras ido..

she was lost
trying to find herself in
her friends...

bendíto
her parents saw her less and less
incluso para la iglesia.

in the distance you could hear the
coquis
crying of her fate.

“pale skin
highlighted cheeks
curled eyelashes- check
dead glossy lips
bronzer underneath
to make the deceased bottom
lip look pouty..
she’s ready to
go.”




-conversations at the morgue

you are the warm land
and I,
a mere human being,
am laying here on your cool sand
while all sanity is fleeting.

i seek contentment in the birds and bees
for i love the warm land..

but i dream of remaining in the sea
never being saved by a caring hand

this is what i want
do not dissuade me, warm land
i’m writing on one of your trees in large font
all should go according to plan..

you’re a sweet vibe
***** backpack clique kinda chick
make me wanna sit on some
apartment steps and watch
inspiring me to write till mamí calls me in for food
sipping my horchata,
like a hip hop song
make me warm inside..
let the kids from the barrio run around
because it’s not chaos to you
it’s family
the seriousness of the world will hit them
and its not any of our jobs to quicken the pace
you wear your dads cuban link chain
irremovable like a birthmark
pantalones rotos because everything else is

squeeze out my eyes
so i’ll no longer see
your repulsive presence.
torch my ears
so i may never hear you
approaching me with those
dark
     heavy
          steps.
cut out my tongue
so my gustatory senses won’t
be forced to taste you whole
whenever you
have your urges.

leave me for dead
for it is my
only means of
escape..

to my future admirer,

you can never call me:
sunshine
beba or
princess and definitely not boo bear.

and when we go out
you always need to walk to the left of me
because of etiquette.

don’t tell me you love the way i look in purple..

and also another thing..

every time i kiss you
it’ll always be him on my mind..

oh how i long for his envious
touch
he always knew what he wanted..
took charge and was unapologetic..
he believed in etiquette
so he always needed me to say
please and
thank you..
he took posture very seriously so he always
had me arch my back to get a better angle
at his beloved but not for too long..
so thoughtful..
truly he was..

old coffee coarses through me
can’t feel a heartbeat
going too quick to pick up a pulse
a sign of life
a drug yet a luxury
-integrity-
prosperity of humanity
and you have none while you continue to slander
my name
my name
being mentioned in rooms i’ve never stepped in

without my control,
a once blank canvas would soon be used as a form of blame and through it peace in you-
preconceived notions are drawn in the minds of associates and strangers
better than an aged painter in the studio he’s only ever known
yet this painter is blindfolded
while this oblivious painter intently tunes in
to sympathize with the selective truths you dispose
‘how could she??’ they say

beautiful
in an unconventional way
for you to teach them what they don’t want to be
whilst they choose what to hear
words sifted once again like the selection of the finest grain
rejects strawn amongst the boulder
you were once beautiful
a sweet dandelion left to a stem with a rigid bulb at the top
not hideous just no longer wished upon

unfortunately

there’s no lights in this room
just brushes sprawled all out on the rug
with a ray of sunkissed light coming through the duvets-
it’s a bother but you
bring it up when others do
used to be the highlight of the room
but now just something that reluctantly grew on you
you want the dark but i only wish light amongst you past lover

you continue to lead-
incite fine strokes in them for my self portrait
for better or worse
i refuse to recognize for myself
using colors i’d never think you’d use- their masterpiece being guided by your bitter words
i blamed myself for an instant-
something you’d never do
leading me to believe that your heart
never was truly pure when i was with you

you treasured me
thanked me for my presence
it seemed as if you loved me for an instant
that little instant
that noxious side eye and smirk
that ray of light in a tree riddened forest
that first flower of spring opening up
bees salivating from a distance
i was so grateful to have met you

but you’re no longer my peace
and i continue to rekindle my love
with a version of you

just to have that again..
i don’t know what i’d do..

She had a dissembling way
about her.
agenda concealed and opaque as nightfall.
her smile
conniving
making me wish i left sooner.

with every stride
of chalk i make to the board
your hand is following me
you smile and i do in return
right behind me
undoing all i’ve done
i build and
you demolish
i strengthen  and
you weaken
i’m the yarn sweater i made
trying to tuck the
loose strand
while you tug and pull at it without
haste
leaving it to ribbons
of disparity

i’ve been good thanks for asking
i tasted the break in his voice with the phrase he practiced in his mirror most mornings
when he’d pass places we’ve been
how about you, long time no see
his eyes looked cloudy
cheeks riddled with adolescent stubble yet
rosey in random splotches
his hooded eyes
heavy with dread after chasing the wrong one
apathetic and deadened
never pleaded yet
trying to reconcile what we had
attempting to
see the sun in my eyes again
they shine bright now
just not for him

it can’t be undone

you drink cocktails on wednesday mornings
to feel the rush past your tastebuds
telling your brain
this is good- this makes me happy- give me more
i gave you my all till i had nothing left to give
now you kept my heart
got it stuffed and propped up on your desk
right next to the post it’s and the stapler you stole
propped up like a proud taxidermist
showing off the new addition to the collection
the rare one- it put up a good fight but you
you conquered
in the end.

proud trophy hunter
you
are the animal.

i love him
         i love her
we fight sometimes
         here and there
this time it wasnt the same
i said something i knew i would regret
and that was it.
i was always giving comebacks
but i never got come backs
See i loved him
          and i loved her
but i make it difficult sometimes
          sometimes?
Okay, often, but thats because of my
scars
scars that cannot be
erased or healed
soothed or can
fade
I just know i want him back
i just dont know where to start..