you don't exist when
my eyes are open
you don't exist when
my blood's not poisoned
when my soul's at peace
when my gut is full
and when I'm in company

So you exist most of the time
dear muse

so proudly surrendered
to chains

He tries the heart
and He tries the reins

justice according to your lanes
He is angry every day

careful now, judgement might be coming your way
He is even angry on peaceful protest day

Aphrodite.
Ocean girl.
Bleach my bones.
Make 'em look like pearls.

© Matthew Harlovic

i was sitting here
searching for how to
do something mundane.
worklike.
syncing accounts.
trying to find passwords.
downloading data.

i sprinkled eucalyptus around
earlier to try
to make myself feel better.

i lit a candle and everything and
even pretend made my bed.
cranked the air conditioning.
so i could cool off.
and calm down.
and r e s t.

i took 2 dove milk chocolates
and ice cold water to my room.
i just wanted to watch
Stargate Atlantis
and go to sleep.

lazily mining for data
half paying attention
and suddenly an
  intergalactic time portal
opened up before my eyes.
and boom.
(i'm here again)
in this place
of so much
l o v e
my heart pounding
as if no time has gone by.
as if you had just come around
the corner and i see your face
again for the
first time.

literally tachycardia
a loss of all logic
a stupid, stupid grin
my body shaking
in anticipation
of hearing your voice.

by accident.
gigabyte after gigabyte after gigabyte
                and year, after year, after y e a r
and no matter which
one i choose,

i find pieces of you.
    funny little pieces.
        big, honest pieces.
secret pieces.
my pieces.

tears are streaming
d o w n my face
but i don't care
because it is the only
time i can remember
what it was like.

to be a different person.
in a different time.
to overlap with you.

every click
and swipe
songs
artworks
words
photos
texts

the reaching and
the r e t r e a t i n g.
     the coming together and
the sudden
   f
     a ll
in g
a p
art

all neatly in chronological
order like i'm
reading my own story.
but seeing it from
the outside.
the entire picture.
and i can see
where i was wrong
   i n t e n s e
younger
and stupider
and flailing.

but i have always seen you.
     always from the
           very first moment.
you were like an assault
  but in a cosmic sense.
and at the same time
a peaceful, serene, beautiful,
rare combination of atoms and ****.

and i don't think something like that
   could ever happen again.
i can't even imagine it,
   and imagining is the
only thing i'm good at.

curse the interwebs,
saving all this ****
i didn't even realize.
and thought was lost.

but also thank you,
google overlord.

i think it's ok to cry
  about loving someone,
and missing someone
so so so so much.

because nothing matters more
  than being honest
about your love.

and then i looked out
my window in despair
and i saw
a crescent moon.

On this grave don't lay your spray of flowers
As tearful mourners bid me adieu;
I'll not be moved by their sweet perfume,
Nor be dazzled by their brilliant hue;
Your past deeds defined my curtain call --
Deeds that bear the bitter taste of gall

Please, let there be no sorrowful tears,
Don't pretend to lament my demise;
Remain unmoved as you were in life
When you saw tears flowing from my eyes;
Show no sorrow, not even a bit,
Lest you be branded a hypocrite

Come not to the mound where I've been laid
While uttering some meaningless prayers,
Once Death announces the end of day,
For broken hearts there are no repairs;
Don't seek forgiveness while on one knee --
I'll be slumbering in tranquility

As I drink from the Eternal Fount,
Do not sully the Waters of Peace,
Keep your distance, this soul is at rest,
At my grave is where your torments cease!
To the Light I will have made my way
As shreds of a wretched life decay