listen
to a sunflower
as they tell you
their story

do not think upon
the facts
such as their height
their common colour
their strength

instead remember observing
van gogh
rivera
gauguin
so you may truly understand

why

my lover is a sunflower

Why do people have to constantly make me feel bad about myself?
Exercise more
Dress more like a girl
Get a job
Wear make-up
Stop being so sensitive
The list goes on
Instead of making these comments
And forcing my self-esteem further and further
Down into a dark abyss
Where it will be harder to retrieve each time
Can’t you just be happy with who I am?

Break me apart
And visit my soul
Reside in the place
I dream to call home
Make yourself warm
Make me feel loved
Give me a guide
From up above
Stop the dark
From flooding in
Bring in the light
And release it within

I can no longer feel
For I am no longer alive
And no matter how hard you try
You will never be able to find me
I am buried so deep within myself
Even I don't no where I am
It's as if I have just disappeared
And am living in a dream state

Stupid girl
He doesn't care
Stop wishing
And dreaming
Foolish girl
No one loves you
Stop fantasizing
And believing
Because nothing
Absolutely nothing
Will ever happen

Every time I feel the tears
Come closer to the surface
I breathe deeply, blink quickly
And make sure they don't fall
I can't afford to show
All of this weakness
This vulnerability
That they all tell me to hide
I have to be strong, be firm
And never let them see
That inside I am dying
And slowly crumbling
Until soon there will be
*Nothing left of me

Am I so oblivious, that I notice nothing?
Not my friends newly dyed hair or green pea coat.
I miss the looks, the stares,
Stuck or maybe protected in my own little world....

Oh Sun, thy warmth hast been cooled by the clouds...

One date
That's all it took
I fell in deep
With just one look

One date
That's all it's been
A walk with you
And you rule my dreams

One date
That's all I needed
For my heart to take over
No warnings heeded

*It only took one date

Maybe one day
You'll understand
Everything I did
You'll realise
It's better this way
You'll remember
All the good
And forget the bad
Maybe one day
You'll forgive me
For hurting you
The way I did
You'll be able to
Hear my voice
Without the pain
And the heartache
Maybe one day
You'll be able to
Look at me again
Without remembering
The tears you wasted
Thinking of me
You'll understand
It was for your good

*and maybe one day
i will forgive myself

common crowds hold swords
to mock
to frown
to opt for blood

crowds who forgot to stop
now bow to show worth

low fog rolls
cross for old cohorts
who troop
who follow
who go forth to drown

for most worlds
to toss
to hold
to bowl down
sons who droop

crowds do not know
who took stock
sons do not know
who to block

for words do drown
now worlds do brown

only to look lost

Most days I can carry on fine
I can bottle it all in
Hold it all tight
The pain threatens to overflow
But I can keep it in check
Just holding it back
I'm at tipping point
Anything can cause me to fall over the edge
But still I managed to just hold the tide

Then a small, insignificant thing happens
Not anything to be upset over
But it's the final straw
It's what tips me over

The tears start to drip like rain
Then pour like waterfalls
There is no way to stop it
No way to control it
I've lost my grip on sanity
All my emotions stumbling over each other
As they try to leave
Each roiling in a mass storm that's come to stay

Now that I'm here
There is no going back
I've passed the point of no return
I've left behind the sanity
I once had a slither of
I can't stop now
I can't go back
I'm here and I'm staying

*I'm past the point of no return

i tried to find
a song
a poem
a piece of art
something, anything
that felt like
or sounded like
you

i looked
and searched
asked
and wondered
yet no matter what
i tried
there was nothing
that came close

for you
my platonic soulmate
are one of a kind
a light in the dark
warm, soft
kind, loving
selfless
a best friend

i couldn't find anything
because
nothing
nothing is like you

Please
Don't say it as a friend
Everytime you do
My heart sinks

Please
Don't remind me
That I can never
Have you

Please
Just don't say it at all
I can't hear it
Without breaking

I didn't want to hurt you
But still I did
And for that I am sorry
I wish you had never met me
Maybe you would be better
Healthier, more alive
But we met
And I poisoned you
With the darkness inside
I ****** away your light
And now your dying
The toxins race through you
Drinking your life force
Consuming your very soul
I didn't mean to
It just happened
I'm sorry
*i'm so, so sorry

I keep being told
I need to be more positive
Can't you see that I am trying
I am honestly trying
But it's so hard
When all you can see
Is the dark in everything
Or those demons
That haunt your memories
It's so difficult
When your only enemy
Is yourself
And all of your doubts
Crowd your mind
It's really tough
When nobody can see
How much effort
You put into being happy
And always smiling
It's so hard
When they can't see
How much your trying
To be positive
*Honestly, I am trying

I've been running until I can't breathe
Until my lungs are on fire
I've been moving until I can't feel my feet
Until my heart screams in surrender

I've been trying to escape
All the ghosts and ghouls that haunt me
I've been wishing to erase
All my fears and all my memories

I've been hoping to leave behind
The people I once thought I knew
I've been convincing my mind
That it's time I withdrew

*i've been running

I don't need to make
The same mistakes
As I've already done
I don't need to go back there again
And I don't want to
Hurt you one more time
Cause I've already been there
And it killed me, it killed me

*Don't want to make the same mistakes

Suddenly
It's not me
You're talking about
It's her
With her
Silky hair and
Soft lips and
Beautiful eyes

I was once
All you needed
Now
I am nothing more
Than a shadow
Of your past
She is your future

She stole you
From me

why can i no longer sleep?
With the tear tracks on my cheeks
My vision is getting hazier
With all these passing weeks
Where are all those dreams
That used to haunt my nights
My long hours in the dark
Have been replaced with lights
My bed is extremely rumpled
From all the lack of sleep
My mind is one giant migraine
From all the late nights I keep
why can i no longer sleep?

Just when I think
I'm finally getting better
And that the shadows have receded
Something happens
And suddenly I'm not
I'm not okay
I'm not better
I'm back where I started
With the shadows as my only friends

there are some things
no words can say
and no person can understand
because they are stuck
inside my head
and how can i explain
when i don't know how
to get them out

i spent so long
staring at that page
my words a mess
and inadequate
but i didn't know
what else to do
i hope you forgive
and understand
i'm sorry for it all
the hurt, the lies
and the pain
it's best if you stay
far, far away
i'm one mess that
cannot be fixed
so stay away
please
please
*stay away from me

I should've known
She would capture you
As you seem to
Fall in and out of love
So easily
Whereas
I'm still holding on
Still falling for
Still in love with you

I need something
To stop me from feeling
So I pick up the bottle
Throw back the pills
Sharpen my razor
And prepare to drown...

even the strange tenderness in brutality
could trigger
no going back

there are whispers rolling out
"inevitable changes should be spent bitter"

now,
wrangling more crushing control
(before delirium and mortal fear set in)
gives the most frightening air

I've come to that place
Where we used to hide
From all our worries
And all our fears
I see you everywhere
In the trees, in the air
I feel your eyes on me
Even though your not here

It seems that this town
Likes to remind me
Of all the things we did
And all the things we said
For I can't turn a corner
Without seeing your face
Or feeling a tug in my heart
For all that we've lost

There's a girl in the mirror
And I don't know who she is
At least not anymore
Where there once was light
There is now darkness
It seeps through her pores
Her eyes are dull and lifeless
Seeing nothing but the demons
As she stares at the walls
The tears have cut sharp tracks
Into the contours of her cheeks
Ripping her skin as they fall
Where there once were curves
There are sharp, jutting edges
Showing her soul to the core
Her mind no longer thinks
Or works in any single way
As she lies still upon the floor
She no longer belongs here
With the living and breathing
But in the darkness forever more
Pain is her very best friend
And death shall be her lover
As soon as she makes **the call

i'm sitting in the dark
afraid of what i feel
how much more can i take
i've no time to heal
the longer i'm alone
the longer i will burn
in the sorrows of my soul
do i ever learn?
i need to stop thinking
feeling or breathing
i need to build those walls
before i start falling
but maybe it's too late
the damage is already done
i've broken into pieces
the demons have won

She may have been quiet, but she wasn't blind. Just because you didn't notice her, doesn't mean she didn't notice you. She saw a lot more than you thought. Like the time you tripped that boy, or pushed that girl over. She saw every little mistake, every defining moment. She was the type of girl to watch, listen and notice. She saw the pain you gave to others, but she also saw the pain you were in. She saw through the masks, the ruses, the indifference. She could see to your heart and soul, and saw what you had been through. She gave you a second chance. She let you heal and become a better person. She believed in you. And what did you do? You brushed her off, pretended like she didn't matter. All because of your friends. You didn't want to look like you cared, even though deep down you really did. *You fell for her. The girl who was invisible to everyone else. But you hid it. You hid all your feelings so you would still be cool. The girl who saved you. She could see all your pain, but did you try to see hers? She was breaking, fracturing, splintering as she was trying to piece you back together. She was falling apart and you left. You gave up on her even after all she did for you. Now, she's gone and you are never going to get the chance to make it right...

Looking in the mirror
And thinking
oh, it's you again
Falling to the floor
In plenty of despair
you never change
The same reflection
Again and again
*always the same

I stood outside
In the pouring rain
I let it soak in
To dilute the pain
Each drop washes
The hurt away
Holding all of those
Unshed tears at bay
I stood outside
The wind it winds
Around my ankles
To corners of my mind
Each whisp clearing
The clutter away
For me to look at
Some other windy day