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Aug 2021 · 77
Chaos Aug 2021
it is interesting
the way worry can develop

it can start small
a tiny tingle
in the dip of your throat
branching out into lungs
restricting breath
deepening into something more

or tap you on the shoulder
so you almost miss it
before enveloping you in a fog
the kind you can get lost in
all consuming

it can be there
taking over all aspects of life

or it can exist subtly
almost impossible to decipher
but still recognisable
as what it is
Aug 2021 · 106
body and soul
Chaos Aug 2021
can barely feel skin
under fingertips of ice
and bones of lead
eyes that hide
under heavy lids
viewing life
through hazy focus
recollection is tricky
memories slip through
the holes of a sieve
a heartbeat felt throughout
all encompassing
Jul 2020 · 102
golden autumn pause
Chaos Jul 2020
few predicted a golden autumn pause
the return of a great irony
showed a in a life overlooked

if life longs for a charming
parasitic lifestyle,
unsustainable and damaging,
the planet will not mitigate the small things

growth will be put into deep freeze
to fight another day
a glimpse of existence will shake overnight
Jul 2020 · 57
strange tenderness
Chaos Jul 2020
even the strange tenderness in brutality
could trigger
no going back

there are whispers rolling out
"inevitable changes should be spent bitter"

wrangling more crushing control
(before delirium and mortal fear set in)
gives the most frightening air
Mar 2020 · 474
only to look lost
Chaos Mar 2020
common crowds hold swords
to mock
to frown
to opt for blood

crowds who forgot to stop
now bow to show worth

low fog rolls
cross for old cohorts
who troop
who follow
who go forth to drown

for most worlds
to toss
to hold
to bowl down
sons who droop

crowds do not know
who took stock
sons do not know
who to block

for words do drown
now worlds do brown

only to look lost
Mar 2020 · 77
My Lover is a Sunflower
Chaos Mar 2020
to a sunflower
as they tell you
their story

do not think upon
the facts
such as their height
their common colour
their strength

instead remember observing
van gogh
so you may truly understand


my lover is a sunflower
Jan 2020 · 72
Live With Intention
Chaos Jan 2020
I've been searching my brain for the right things to say.
I am beyond furious, beyond upset and completely over not doing anything.
On one side of the world, a whole country is on fire.
On the other, cities are under water.
All over the globe we are losing thousands to climate change.
Thousands of people, thousands of animals, thousands of plants.
The only thing our earth has tried to do for us, is sustain us and this is how we repay her?
For all her kindness towards us, we have completely disrespected and hurt her.
We know there are options out there for change.
Ways to live cleaner, more sustainable lives and yet, we continue in our greedy, selfish, hurtful ways.
Ignoring those who stand up for the earth.
Ignoring the routes that will lead us to environmental freedom.
Ignoring the solutions that are ready and available for use.
We are a power hungry society.
Determined to spend our lives the easiest way possible, regardless of the effects it has.
Stop putting your heads in the ground.
Stop pretending everything is okay.
Look around you and see the truth.
Reflect upon your own lives and see where you can make a change and then do it.
Don't just think about it.
Do it.
Create action.
Create change.
At least try.
Because tomorrow could be too late.

If you don't want to hear it, then don't read it.
Don't follow me.
Don't friend me.
Don't listen to me.
But I will continue to raise my voice.
I will scream and shout until my lungs run out of air and my voice has no sound.
Then, I will scream some more.
On their own, it doesn't seem like one person can make much of a difference.
It certainly doesn't feel like it and yet, it's still worth trying.
Because although one on their own seems minuscule, every little piece helps.
We have to start somewhere and soon one may become two or three or more.
Soon change will be in the air and together we will fight for what is right.
Together we will be heard.
Together we will make a difference.

Sign petitions.
Join protests.
Spread awareness.
Live cleaner.
Choose sustainability.
Choose the earth.
Choose yourselves.
Choose to create a life and a world safer for you to live in.

Live with intention.
Oct 2019 · 123
For a Moment, I Forgot
Chaos Oct 2019
With tired eyes
I reach for you
Only to be met
Not by the warmth of your face
But by harsh glass
And pixels that blur when you move

For a moment
I forgot
For a moment
I forgot
For a moment
I forgot

That you are miles away
In a different city
Living a different life
In a place I cannot reach
At least not physically
With so much space between us
Oct 2019 · 211
Chaos Oct 2019
you realise
this is
all your own fault
no one
to blame
but you

always so naive
stop asking
stop trusting
in them

i hope
you know
the you i speak about
isn't you
at all
but me
Sep 2019 · 169
I Exist For Me
Chaos Sep 2019
I exist because of you
Not for you
I was born into this world because of you
Not for you
I am alive because of you
Not for you

My life is for no one but myself
You have no claim over me or my choices
You do not get to decide what I do, who I love, who I am
There is no piece of me that is obligated to do anything for you

I will not sit with knees shut and ankles crossed
I will not speak with a quiet voice
I will not bow to those who decide they have more power
I will not do anything just because you want me to

I will sit how I please
I will go where I want
I will take up space
I will scream and cry and make noise
You cannot stop me
You cannot force me down
You cannot make me play by your rules

Because I do not exist for you
I exist for me
Sep 2019 · 3.2k
Platonic Soulmate
Chaos Sep 2019
i tried to find
a song
a poem
a piece of art
something, anything
that felt like
or sounded like

i looked
and searched
and wondered
yet no matter what
i tried
there was nothing
that came close

for you
my platonic soulmate
are one of a kind
a light in the dark
warm, soft
kind, loving
a best friend

i couldn't find anything
nothing is like you
Jun 2019 · 125
Chaos Jun 2019
I can feel myself hardening under your words.
I can feel the softness fading away.
Each time I hear it again.
I'm pulling myself further away.

I'm told to be patient.
I'm told to be kind.
I'm told to be understanding.
And I'm trying.

But why should I try when you don't?

I'm not here to make you feel good about yourself.
And if that's what you are looking for,
Then you are in the wrong place.
For I will live for myself and no one else.

I will not bend over and break under your will.
I will not pretend to be something I'm not.
Instead I will unapologetically be myself.
And if you aren't okay with that,

Then leave.
Jun 2019 · 490
Lose Myself
Chaos Jun 2019
I lose myself when I walk away from you.

I know.
I'm not supposed to.

I'm meant to be strong and sure.
I'm meant to be brave.
I'm meant to be independent.

And I am.

It's just so much easier with you there.
Right beside me.
Holding my hand.
Lending me strength when I have nothing left to give.

I am independent.
I swear.

Just sometimes I don't want to be.
May 2019 · 107
Chaos May 2019
every time i look at you
i fall in love
all over again
Apr 2019 · 97
Chaos Apr 2019
i was naive
i was foolish
i was stupid enough to believe you

'maybe i'm worth something after all'

i was wrong
i was wrong
i was wrong
Dec 2018 · 387
Chaos Dec 2018
Heart pounding
Hands shaking
All I can think of
Is your lips on mine
Lungs heaving
Mind reeling
And all I can think of
Is my lips on yours

Maybe once the shakes are gone
And the air has returned to my chest
I'll tell you all about how you broke me
With just that one little first kiss
Nov 2018 · 173
Chaos Nov 2018
don't touch me
not like that
soft and gentle
strokes of light
i can't bring in air
my lungs won't work
when your thumb
circles on my skin
it makes me think
of what could be

don't look at me
not like that
sparkling and bright
with subtle winks
i can't stop the blush
from spreading
cheeks red and warm
heart tight
it makes me think
with hope

don't hold me
not like that
both tight and loose
with warm hands
circling and resting
on hips and knees
heart beating faster
right out of my chest
it makes me think
of night time affairs

so just please don't
because i'm already
half way in love
Nov 2018 · 1.5k
Chaos Nov 2018
Don't say it as a friend
Everytime you do
My heart sinks

Don't remind me
That I can never
Have you

Just don't say it at all
I can't hear it
Without breaking
Oct 2018 · 204
Hurts Like Hell
Chaos Oct 2018
I can barely look at you
Without thinking back to that night
Your fingers laced through mine
A dress far too tight
Make-up on your suit
Your smell lingering near
The warmth you provided
Your slicked back hair

But before I can forget
It all comes crashing down
You were only holding me
To stop me from falling to the ground
The make-up on your back
Was from an unforeseen collision
And yes I did notice
That when we touched, you stiffened

Although every time I see you
My heart breaks again
I can't help myself from wanting
The things that cause me pain
You laughed and said "not ever"
I giggled along as well
But now I can't breathe
And this life, it hurts like hell
Oct 2018 · 195
I will never stop
Chaos Oct 2018
When the sun has burned out
And the stars are nothing but dust
When the world around us is gone
I will still love you

When the light has faded
And all memory has dissolved
When nothing is left
I will still love you

I will never stop loving you
Nov 2017 · 273
this is me
Chaos Nov 2017
silent tears at midnight
a heart that doesn't feel
eyes that see too much
a mind that doesn't stop

masks to hide the pain
a fantasy to hide in
legs that always ache
and a dark, broken soul
Jul 2017 · 278
she used to be me
Chaos Jul 2017
there was this girl
she was quick to laugh
always smiling
full of dreams and hope
overflowing with love
she cared so deeply
was brimming with joy
her eyes were pure light
sunshine leaked from her soul
mesmerizing all who were near
she was a sun, a star
the centre of a universe
a beautiful being

i look at her
with tears in my eyes
envious of all she was
because what you don't know is

she used to be me
Mar 2017 · 423
One Date
Chaos Mar 2017
One date
That's all it took
I fell in deep
With just one look

One date
That's all it's been
A walk with you
And you rule my dreams

One date
That's all I needed
For my heart to take over
No warnings heeded

*It only took one date
Mar 2017 · 603
make me feel better
Chaos Mar 2017
today started off bad
physically, mentally
and everywhere in between
i was not in a good space
weak, shaking, upset
and then you said hi
i was instantly lifted
i do not know how you do it
my heart feels light
my soul flying high
and although the sickness has not gone
it is lingering behind
you still make me feel better
Mar 2017 · 273
Brand New
Chaos Mar 2017
What are these butterflies
Doing here already
It's just the beginning
It's completely brand new
I don't even know
If this will go anywhere
And still they all flutter
When I think of you

It's been only a week
Since this first sprouted
And yet you make appearances
In all of my dreams
My heart cannot take this
All the gaps have been filled
I've never felt this before
What does it all mean

Will this actually become
Something wonderful and real
Will my chance come
Could this be this cupids dart
For you occupy my mind
Every second of every day
You've taken over my senses
And all I am now is heart
Dec 2016 · 681
Chaos Dec 2016
i want to stand
underneath the clouds
as the rain   f
in  s l o w m o t i o n
to feel
every single drop
as they hit
my upturned face
and   r     o    l    l
down my neck
in serene streams
that take away
all my thoughts
leaving me
and *blissfully empty
Dec 2016 · 254
some things
Chaos Dec 2016
there are some things
no words can say
and no person can understand
because they are stuck
inside my head
and how can i explain
when i don't know how
to get them out
Dec 2016 · 531
Something Happens
Chaos Dec 2016
Just when I think
I'm finally getting better
And that the shadows have receded
Something happens
And suddenly I'm not
I'm not okay
I'm not better
I'm back where I started
With the shadows as my only friends
Jun 2016 · 342
If that was real
Chaos Jun 2016
I had a dream
About you
Last night
It was ****
And sultry
And amazing
I couldn't stop
Wouldn't life
Be grand
If that was real?
Nov 2015 · 430
A Young Girl
Chaos Nov 2015
She was just a young girl
Reaching for the stars
and wishing on dandelions
She was happy, content
Until the darkness arrived
The stars became dull
And dandelions just a ****
She became lost, lonely
A transparent ghost
Haunting her home and family
Unable to talk to them
Or to let them know
They couldn't understand her
So they lost all hope in her
And soon she lost hope in herself
She faded from their minds
Then faded from existence
And no one would remember
The girl who reached for stars
And wished on dandelions
Nov 2015 · 312
Lost Myself
Chaos Nov 2015
No, I am not okay
But you will never know
I've become a master
At hiding how I feel
Although it takes it's toll
All of this pretending
For I have lost myself
In amongst the lies
There is almost nothing
On the outside
That could clue you in
And those I keep hidden
With long sleeves and jeans
So that nobody will know
Just how broken I really am
Oct 2015 · 280
The Silence
Chaos Oct 2015
The silence is so deafening
I can hardly hear the demons
Screaming my name
The void is so black
I can almost run my fingers
Through its darkness
And I am so I alone
I could scream forever
And still no one would hear me
Oct 2015 · 329
hold me
Chaos Oct 2015
i just want
to hold me
and tell me
i'm okay
Oct 2015 · 328
Chaos Oct 2015
There is so much
I want to say
But the words
They get stuck
None seem to leave
Instead they swirl
Around in my head
I'm sorry
I try so hard
To let you know
All the things
I want to say
But I always seem
To fail you again and again
And all the words
I want to say
Are left unsaid
Oct 2015 · 374
Chaos Oct 2015
please don't
leave me alone
i'm afraid that
i will forget
how to feel
please don't
walk away
from me
i'm afraid
i will forget
how to breathe
please, please
**don't leave me alone
Oct 2015 · 773
Lazy, at home days
Chaos Oct 2015
I love lazy, at home days
With sweatpants and ice cream
Cuddling and watching movies
Doing nothing but being silly
Dancing in the kitchen
Board games in the lounge
Hot chocolate in bed
I love the timeless feeling
With that little bit of sun
But enough chill in the air
To bundle up warm
The fuzzy socks and beanies
Blankets strewn everywhere
I just love lazy, at home days
Sep 2015 · 630
My Ghosts
Chaos Sep 2015
It's four in the morning
And I am all alone
Except for the shadows
That call me home
The darkness is mingling
With the tears that fall
Giving strength to the demons
That await in the hall

There is nothing left
Of this soul of mine
It has broken away
And it's so hard to find
There's nothing left
For me to show
It's been taken away
By my ghosts
Sep 2015 · 314
stay away
Chaos Sep 2015
i spent so long
staring at that page
my words a mess
and inadequate
but i didn't know
what else to do
i hope you forgive
and understand
i'm sorry for it all
the hurt, the lies
and the pain
it's best if you stay
far, far away
i'm one mess that
cannot be fixed
so stay away
*stay away from me
Sep 2015 · 283
Burning Eyes
Chaos Sep 2015
My eyes, they burn
I've not slept in days
My body, it aches
From this exhaustion
But every time I close my eyes
The horrors I have seen
Unfold themselves in full colour
The most vivid nightmare
So I open them again
Only to be met with demons
The ones that follow me around
So the light goes back on
Until they fade away
And away disappears another night
In my own personal hell
So you see, my eyes, they burn
For I have not slept in days
Sep 2015 · 339
These Tears
Chaos Sep 2015
It's been a long day
And I'm so tired
Yet all I can do
Is lay here and cry
Not the loud kind
But the quiet tears
That hurt your throat
And fall so fast
It seems that is all
My nights are for now
Trying to make no noise
As I let it all out
I will never show
These tears to anyone
I will continue on
Pretending to be strong
During the daytime
But at night
When I'm all alone
I let them fall
In quiet waves
Until I can fall asleep
It's getting harder and harder
Aug 2015 · 434
I'm not
Chaos Aug 2015
I'm not the type of girl
Who easily expresses
The things I truly think
And the things I truly feel
I bury all those emotions
Under layers of lies
Hoping no one sees through
My masterful disguises
And the walls I have built
Made to hide the truth
Aug 2015 · 941
The things in my head
Chaos Aug 2015
You told me to talk
About the things in my head
Or else I might explode
Into millions of pieces
But there's just one problem
When I try to talk
About the things in my head
No one is there to listen
Jul 2015 · 668
The Call
Chaos Jul 2015
There's a girl in the mirror
And I don't know who she is
At least not anymore
Where there once was light
There is now darkness
It seeps through her pores
Her eyes are dull and lifeless
Seeing nothing but the demons
As she stares at the walls
The tears have cut sharp tracks
Into the contours of her cheeks
Ripping her skin as they fall
Where there once were curves
There are sharp, jutting edges
Showing her soul to the core
Her mind no longer thinks
Or works in any single way
As she lies still upon the floor
She no longer belongs here
With the living and breathing
But in the darkness forever more
Pain is her very best friend
And death shall be her lover
As soon as she makes **the call
Jul 2015 · 8.1k
Chaos Jul 2015
Someone once told me
Whenever I was lost
I should look to the stars
They would guide me home
But where are they tonight?
The sky is cloudy and grey
And no stars are in sight
Why aren't they here?
When I need them the most
I'm so, so lost and I need them
*I need them to guide me home
Jul 2015 · 273
Almost Everything
Chaos Jul 2015
What do you
want from me?**
I have done
almost everything
I possibly can
to get over you
But how
can I do that
When you
won't let me?
Jul 2015 · 275
What have I done?
Chaos Jul 2015
what have i done?

All I can see
Each time I close my eyes
Is your face streaked with tears
All I can hear
Are the heartbreaking words
You let slip before you walked away

what have i done?

All that's left
Is the heartache and the pain
And the guilt of what I did to you
All I know
Is that I hurt you, I broke you
And I don't think I can forgive myself

**what have i done?
Jul 2015 · 693
The Way
Chaos Jul 2015
I think I like the way
Your hands engulf and warm mine
I think I like the way
Your eyes seem to sparkle and shine
I think I like the way
Your smile can light up a room
I think I like the way
For me you'd go to the moon
Jul 2015 · 364
Where were you
Chaos Jul 2015
I called for your help
Screamed out your name
But there was no reply
I lay on the ground
Choking on blood
Waiting, waiting to die
I cried for your hands
To curl around mine
Still you didn't arrive
So silently my soul
Fled the grim scene
And returned to the sky
You once promised
You would always be there
But oh how you lied
Where were you the day
I needed you most
The day I finally died
Jul 2015 · 4.7k
The Semicolon
Chaos Jul 2015
Yesterday was tough
Tougher than before
It broke me down inside
Left me crumbled on the floor
But then I remembered
the semicolon

Today was hard
Harder than before
It killed my soul a little
Left me bleeding on the floor
But then I remembered
the semicolon

A small mark
Seems insignificant
But when examined further
Becomes magnificent
An authors way
Of saying hold on
don't give up just yet
there is plenty more to come

Tomorrow will be painful
More painful than before
It will break me down
Leave me broken on the floor
But I will remember
Forever more
That small, simple mark
Giving out hope for all

*the semicolon
Inspired by Project Semicolon
Jul 2015 · 302
One Day
Chaos Jul 2015
Maybe one day
You'll understand
Everything I did
You'll realise
It's better this way
You'll remember
All the good
And forget the bad
Maybe one day
You'll forgive me
For hurting you
The way I did
You'll be able to
Hear my voice
Without the pain
And the heartache
Maybe one day
You'll be able to
Look at me again
Without remembering
The tears you wasted
Thinking of me
You'll understand
It was for your good

*and maybe one day
i will forgive myself
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