it is interesting
the way worry can develop

it can start small
a tiny tingle
in the dip of your throat
branching out into lungs
restricting breath
deepening into something more

or tap you on the shoulder
gently
so you almost miss it
before enveloping you in a fog
the kind you can get lost in
all consuming
overwhelming

it can be there
suddenly
dramatically
taking over all aspects of life

or it can exist subtly
underneath
almost impossible to decipher
but still recognisable
as what it is

disconnected
can barely feel skin
under fingertips of ice
and bones of lead
eyes that hide
under heavy lids
viewing life
through hazy focus
recollection is tricky
memories slip through
the holes of a sieve
a heartbeat felt throughout
all encompassing

few predicted a golden autumn pause
and
the return of a great irony
showed a in a life overlooked

if life longs for a charming
but
parasitic lifestyle,
unsustainable and damaging,
the planet will not mitigate the small things

growth will be put into deep freeze
to fight another day
and
a glimpse of existence will shake overnight

even the strange tenderness in brutality
could trigger
no going back

there are whispers rolling out
"inevitable changes should be spent bitter"

now,
wrangling more crushing control
(before delirium and mortal fear set in)
gives the most frightening air

common crowds hold swords
to mock
to frown
to opt for blood

crowds who forgot to stop
now bow to show worth

low fog rolls
cross for old cohorts
who troop
who follow
who go forth to drown

for most worlds
to toss
to hold
to bowl down
sons who droop

crowds do not know
who took stock
sons do not know
who to block

for words do drown
now worlds do brown

only to look lost

listen
to a sunflower
as they tell you
their story

do not think upon
the facts
such as their height
their common colour
their strength

instead remember observing
van gogh
rivera
gauguin
so you may truly understand

why

my lover is a sunflower

I've been searching my brain for the right things to say.
I am beyond furious, beyond upset and completely over not doing anything.
On one side of the world, a whole country is on fire.
On the other, cities are under water.
All over the globe we are losing thousands to climate change.
Thousands of people, thousands of animals, thousands of plants.
The only thing our earth has tried to do for us, is sustain us and this is how we repay her?
For all her kindness towards us, we have completely disrespected and hurt her.
We know there are options out there for change.
Ways to live cleaner, more sustainable lives and yet, we continue in our greedy, selfish, hurtful ways.
Ignoring those who stand up for the earth.
Ignoring the routes that will lead us to environmental freedom.
Ignoring the solutions that are ready and available for use.
We are a power hungry society.
Determined to spend our lives the easiest way possible, regardless of the effects it has.
Stop putting your heads in the ground.
Stop pretending everything is okay.
Look around you and see the truth.
Reflect upon your own lives and see where you can make a change and then do it.
Don't just think about it.
Do it.
Create action.
Create change.
At least try.
Because tomorrow could be too late.

If you don't want to hear it, then don't read it.
Don't follow me.
Don't friend me.
Don't listen to me.
But I will continue to raise my voice.
I will scream and shout until my lungs run out of air and my voice has no sound.
Then, I will scream some more.
On their own, it doesn't seem like one person can make much of a difference.
It certainly doesn't feel like it and yet, it's still worth trying.
Because although one on their own seems minuscule, every little piece helps.
We have to start somewhere and soon one may become two or three or more.
Soon change will be in the air and together we will fight for what is right.
Together we will be heard.
Together we will make a difference.

Donate.
Support.
Sign petitions.
Join protests.
Spread awareness.
Live cleaner.
Choose sustainability.
Choose the earth.
Choose yourselves.
Choose to create a life and a world safer for you to live in.

Live with intention.

With tired eyes
I reach for you
Only to be met
Not by the warmth of your face
But by harsh glass
And pixels that blur when you move

For a moment
I forgot
For a moment
I forgot
For a moment
I forgot

That you are miles away
In a different city
Living a different life
In a place I cannot reach
At least not physically
With so much space between us

I exist because of you
Not for you
I was born into this world because of you
Not for you
I am alive because of you
Not for you

My life is for no one but myself
You have no claim over me or my choices
You do not get to decide what I do, who I love, who I am
There is no piece of me that is obligated to do anything for you

I will not sit with knees shut and ankles crossed
I will not speak with a quiet voice
I will not bow to those who decide they have more power
I will not do anything just because you want me to

I will sit how I please
I will go where I want
I will take up space
I will scream and cry and make noise
You cannot stop me
You cannot force me down
You cannot make me play by your rules

Because I do not exist for you
I exist for me

i tried to find
a song
a poem
a piece of art
something, anything
that felt like
or sounded like
you

i looked
and searched
asked
and wondered
yet no matter what
i tried
there was nothing
that came close

for you
my platonic soulmate
are one of a kind
a light in the dark
warm, soft
kind, loving
selfless
a best friend

i couldn't find anything
because
nothing
nothing is like you

I can feel myself hardening under your words.
I can feel the softness fading away.
Each time I hear it again.
I'm pulling myself further away.

I'm told to be patient.
I'm told to be kind.
I'm told to be understanding.
And I'm trying.

But why should I try when you don't?

I'm not here to make you feel good about yourself.
And if that's what you are looking for,
Then you are in the wrong place.
For I will live for myself and no one else.

I will not bend over and break under your will.
I will not pretend to be something I'm not.
Instead I will unapologetically be myself.
And if you aren't okay with that,

Then leave.

I lose myself when I walk away from you.

I know.
I'm not supposed to.

I'm meant to be strong and sure.
I'm meant to be brave.
I'm meant to be independent.

And I am.

It's just so much easier with you there.
Right beside me.
Holding my hand.
Lending me strength when I have nothing left to give.

I am independent.
I swear.

Just sometimes I don't want to be.

every time i look at you
i fall in love
all over again

don't touch me
not like that
soft and gentle
strokes of light
i can't bring in air
my lungs won't work
when your thumb
circles on my skin
it makes me think
of what could be

don't look at me
not like that
sparkling and bright
with subtle winks
i can't stop the blush
from spreading
cheeks red and warm
heart tight
it makes me think
with hope

don't hold me
not like that
both tight and loose
with warm hands
circling and resting
on hips and knees
heart beating faster
right out of my chest
it makes me think
of night time affairs

so just please don't
because i'm already
half way in love

Please
Don't say it as a friend
Everytime you do
My heart sinks

Please
Don't remind me
That I can never
Have you

Please
Just don't say it at all
I can't hear it
Without breaking

I can barely look at you
Without thinking back to that night
Your fingers laced through mine
A dress far too tight
Make-up on your suit
Your smell lingering near
The warmth you provided
Your slicked back hair

But before I can forget
It all comes crashing down
You were only holding me
To stop me from falling to the ground
The make-up on your back
Was from an unforeseen collision
And yes I did notice
That when we touched, you stiffened

Although every time I see you
My heart breaks again
I can't help myself from wanting
The things that cause me pain
You laughed and said "not ever"
I giggled along as well
But now I can't breathe
And this life, it hurts like hell

When the sun has burned out
And the stars are nothing but dust
When the world around us is gone
I will still love you

When the light has faded
And all memory has dissolved
When nothing is left
I will still love you

I will never stop loving you

silent tears at midnight
a heart that doesn't feel
eyes that see too much
a mind that doesn't stop

masks to hide the pain
a fantasy to hide in
legs that always ache
and a dark, broken soul

One date
That's all it took
I fell in deep
With just one look

One date
That's all it's been
A walk with you
And you rule my dreams

One date
That's all I needed
For my heart to take over
No warnings heeded

*It only took one date

What are these butterflies
Doing here already
It's just the beginning
It's completely brand new
I don't even know
If this will go anywhere
And still they all flutter
When I think of you

It's been only a week
Since this first sprouted
And yet you make appearances
In all of my dreams
My heart cannot take this
All the gaps have been filled
I've never felt this before
What does it all mean

Will this actually become
Something wonderful and real
Will my chance come
Could this be this cupids dart
For you occupy my mind
Every second of every day
You've taken over my senses
And all I am now is heart

there are some things
no words can say
and no person can understand
because they are stuck
inside my head
and how can i explain
when i don't know how
to get them out

Just when I think
I'm finally getting better
And that the shadows have receded
Something happens
And suddenly I'm not
I'm not okay
I'm not better
I'm back where I started
With the shadows as my only friends

She was just a young girl
Reaching for the stars
and wishing on dandelions
She was happy, content
Until the darkness arrived
The stars became dull
And dandelions just a ****
She became lost, lonely
A transparent ghost
Haunting her home and family
Unable to talk to them
Or to let them know
They couldn't understand her
So they lost all hope in her
And soon she lost hope in herself
She faded from their minds
Then faded from existence
And no one would remember
The girl who reached for stars
And wished on dandelions

The silence is so deafening
I can hardly hear the demons
Screaming my name
The void is so black
I can almost run my fingers
Through its darkness
And I am so I alone
I could scream forever
And still no one would hear me

I love lazy, at home days
With sweatpants and ice cream
Cuddling and watching movies
Doing nothing but being silly
Dancing in the kitchen
Board games in the lounge
Hot chocolate in bed
I love the timeless feeling
With that little bit of sun
But enough chill in the air
To bundle up warm
The fuzzy socks and beanies
Blankets strewn everywhere
I just love lazy, at home days

It's four in the morning
And I am all alone
Except for the shadows
That call me home
The darkness is mingling
With the tears that fall
Giving strength to the demons
That await in the hall

There is nothing left
Of this soul of mine
It has broken away
And it's so hard to find
There's nothing left
For me to show
It's been taken away
By my ghosts

i spent so long
staring at that page
my words a mess
and inadequate
but i didn't know
what else to do
i hope you forgive
and understand
i'm sorry for it all
the hurt, the lies
and the pain
it's best if you stay
far, far away
i'm one mess that
cannot be fixed
so stay away
please
please
*stay away from me

It's been a long day
And I'm so tired
Yet all I can do
Is lay here and cry
Not the loud kind
But the quiet tears
That hurt your throat
And fall so fast
It seems that is all
My nights are for now
Trying to make no noise
As I let it all out
I will never show
These tears to anyone
I will continue on
Pretending to be strong
During the daytime
But at night
When I'm all alone
I let them fall
In quiet waves
Until I can fall asleep

You told me to talk
About the things in my head
Or else I might explode
Into millions of pieces
But there's just one problem
When I try to talk
About the things in my head
No one is there to listen

There's a girl in the mirror
And I don't know who she is
At least not anymore
Where there once was light
There is now darkness
It seeps through her pores
Her eyes are dull and lifeless
Seeing nothing but the demons
As she stares at the walls
The tears have cut sharp tracks
Into the contours of her cheeks
Ripping her skin as they fall
Where there once were curves
There are sharp, jutting edges
Showing her soul to the core
Her mind no longer thinks
Or works in any single way
As she lies still upon the floor
She no longer belongs here
With the living and breathing
But in the darkness forever more
Pain is her very best friend
And death shall be her lover
As soon as she makes **the call

what have i done?

All I can see
Each time I close my eyes
Is your face streaked with tears
All I can hear
Are the heartbreaking words
You let slip before you walked away

what have i done?

All that's left
Is the heartache and the pain
And the guilt of what I did to you
All I know
Is that I hurt you, I broke you
And I don't think I can forgive myself

**what have i done?

Maybe one day
You'll understand
Everything I did
You'll realise
It's better this way
You'll remember
All the good
And forget the bad
Maybe one day
You'll forgive me
For hurting you
The way I did
You'll be able to
Hear my voice
Without the pain
And the heartache
Maybe one day
You'll be able to
Look at me again
Without remembering
The tears you wasted
Thinking of me
You'll understand
It was for your good

*and maybe one day
i will forgive myself