this is my body
all awkward limbs & jagged frame
a mountain of bones
arranged haphazardly around wooden joints
i didn't want to be a “real boy”
but i didn't want to be a real girl either
i wanted to be a beach ball
or a kite
now my throat is a chimney
my lungs are a fire
& i don’t care who’s between my legs
as long as they spread me
like bible pages
that’s to say,
i don’t believe in god
unless i’m getting nailed
or writing boys eulogies in my underwear
the way i draw maps on my skin
to where the wild things went
i think monster in the closet
is synonymous with my coming out of it
skeletons and all
clinging to me
like dream catchers
full of expectation
that got caught in their nets
that’s why i take
"proceed with caution"
signs so seriously
and i do,
i do at night when i am alone
far from home
& scared that my gay is showing
i do
when boys want more
than to just split me in two
& leave both halves of me
draped over the bed
i do
when it comes to loving him
so unconditionally
that my heart feels like
the only muscle in my body
with any fight left
this is my body
it’s bent & broken
with anxieties
but it is mine.

the only knot i tie
is the one in the thread
i use to stitch you a smile
see,
i'm not saying i want you forever
i just want you in the moment
your mouth curls up
at me
boy, i call that smile a library
'cause i want to know
every word you've ever uttered
so come at me
with all your pages
& i'll fill every "to-do" list
i ever write
with your name
over and over
you know,
i can't run a mile
without tripping
or gasping for breath
but i'd lap
your marathon skin
til we both
reach that finish line
that's to say,
i'm not looking to make you mine
i'm not,
i just want to feel your frequency
vibrating around me
i'll let you untie the knots
in my stomach
if you let me climb inside your heart
till it's covered
in stretch marks
boy i just love the risk
of kissing your cigarette lips
with my flammable chest
so light me
& i'll spread around you
like a forest fire
my burning bark
is worse
than your charred bite
but if there's one thing
i know for sure
it's that i'd let you burn me
i'd let you
burn
me.

boy, i love the way
you make me arch my back
you bend me like a bridge
& how do bridges stay up, anyway?
that’s one of the million things
i just don’t know
like how
you curl me like a sunset
it’s always dark when we kiss
but i long to see you
in the sunrise
forget kissing in the rain
i wanna feel you on my skin
like a thousand sun rays
or how there’s a science
to the way you part your lips
when we kiss
like it’s a secret you can hardly keep
or why in those moments
i don’t feel ***** or little
or why,
when it comes to the spring cleaning
of my cluttered life
i can never decide
if i’m trash or treasure
so i hang myself somewhere in between
like a lonely t-shirt on a washing line
what i mean to say is
i just want to ******* HANG OUT WITH YOU
boy,
if bridges can stay up
why can’t we?

if I could, I would draw the back of every
time she turned away from me - her hair and how it met the base of the skull and repelled
downward or climbed back up, she'd cut it short and then
watch it grow,            

if I could, I would re-trace her ears and marvel at how the skin joined in perfect harmony behind them. if I could, I would have had her a million times more in between my fingers, running them through her - everyevery I have
and had and
will have.

In Klawock stands seven totems
and a madman, chanting under ebon skies
he is embedded in the cedar wood, he is connecting worlds
a master carver, of language without words
of the raven clan, he is tracing ancestry in the wood
seeking the old ways of eagle, wolf and bear
born of water, amid the realms of earth and air
his spirit runs with salmon.

"It is not our place
to mend someone's
shattered heart

but rather,

run our fingers
down every last
fracture and love
like it never
shattered at all."

My dad talks in his sleep.
He says the wackiest things.
My mom and my brother's fiancé  are on the back porch drinking.
He's asleep.
So is my niece.
She's on the couch next to me while I'm watching Louie.
This all after coming home from a party where the singer of my band tried to ****** me.
Before I drove home I did some drunken text messaging.
Sometimes, I swear,
I don't know what to think.
It's all so absurd,
yet charming in a way.
I fear I'm bound to go crazy.
I've got to get away.

I catch a glimpse of skin,
Smooth and untouched,
As her shirt rides up
Revealing an expanse of milky surface
And I get an itch to bite it, mark it,
Watch red blossom up and out
Spreading underneath the layer.


I avert my gaze when she speaks,
Tune out the noise,
As my mind wanders back , imagining
A kiss upon the reddened patch
On her hipbone, the contrast
Sharp and painful
Enough to draw out a hiss


Only to transform into a sigh,
At the caress of my tongue,
Shy strokes tracing
The imprint left by my teeth:
A possessive act, marking
My territory.


The shimmer beneath your gaze,
As I return from my fool's paradise
Makes me wonder if you know,
And I wait
For you call me on it,
To reach out, or
Turn away in disgust.


But you don't,
And I am left
Disappointed, suspended,
Still waiting