I beg of you to be patient with my heart
She has been torn down and broken from the start
She gets caught up in the moment
I usually let her lead the way
Even though in the past that has seemed to be a problem
She may love you with all she is
She may want the fairy tale to be true
She may fall so hard that all thought of reality escapes her
I ask that you be patient, let her become accustomed to this new life
This new love and new emotions that are over loading every sense
She will let go then pull back, that is her built in defense
Don't take that as a bad sign
Don't doubt how she feels
Just give her time and space to express herself
To evolve into this new role, instead of leaping head first
So terrified that if I dive I will drown
Drown in my own insecurities
Down in my own fear
Drown in the pain of the past
That has formed me
Formed me in the need for independence
Formed the routine
Formed the ability to cope with the loneliness
Please understand this has no reflection on you
Nothing you did or did not do
This is the inner battle I fight every day
This is the paralyzing fear of change
Of possibly losing the person I have worked and slaved so long to find again.
A part of me wonders , have I come so accustomed to the pain
That it has become my security blanket
My addiction, the feeling that reminds me I am alive
As the tears stream down my face, its a release of emotion
Trapped for so long deep inside, hidden from the world
Locked away in my own personal prison
Am I the poison
Have I crafted my own fate
All this time I blamed others, was it me all along
Was he right?
Will I never allow myself to truly be happy?
Am I too damaged to love or be loved?

After years of emotional abuse from a man I thought loved me
After  a lifetime of comparing my body to supermodels in magazines
After decades of staring in the mirror and being ashamed of what I see
Trying to hide from public, Covering the scars with makeup and hairspray
Painting away what I saw as ugly
Too fat, Too round, Too curvy, Too thick
Double chins and a belly that never disappeared after giving birth
Society stained my soul
Made me question every piece of clothing I bought
Made me nervous to go in public
Provided anxiety that was paralyzing
Transformed a fun loving young girl into a scared and unstable women
Constantly unable to stop comparing myself to others
Looking for someone to see my true beauty, when I couldn't even see it myself
The hardest lesson I have had to learn in these 33 years on this earth
Is how to love myself, truly
I may seem narcissistic to some, because I do like to have a photo taken
But that is not because I see the beauty its because I constantly am seeking approval and admiration from others that I have be unable to provide to myself
I am done living in the prison in which I have created
Time to let go of all expectations and really be free
Free to be myself
Free to love my body and every scar present
Free to show others my soul, my heart
The true self that resides inside this earthly body
The spirit which posses more that any exterior could show
To be able to see the amazing light given to me by our creator
To be able to look in a mirror and see the love it took to create me
The love that is more beautiful than anything material in this world.

A thousand hands on my skin.
Hours of lips against my
Chest.

Openness, the smell of woman
On every single breath of
Air.

Contained. Possessed.
Consumed. Engulfed. Confined.
Content.

I float in love craving me.
My every cell in bliss.
Water;

I am a leaf in a stream.
Floating in the featherness of
Relentless attention;

Too exhausted to sleep, yet
Giving in to dreaming
On.

A laughing prisoner.
More bars, locks, chains!
Caged in, and so, so free.

He sneaks in through the window of my soul
Never seen or heard
No for warning no sound to alert his presence
He needs no reason to visit, no wealth to claim
For the possession he steals is more precious than gold, more rare than
diamonds, but unseen to the human eye
This burglar of bliss comes for any trace of happiness, any small inclination of hope
Any joy that was once felt and captured so easily in my heart now is his prize for the taking
With no rhyme or reason
The cloud of sadness is his cover and it seeps in to the cracks
Filling the once warm rooms of my mind
With chill that runs down my spine
So hard to explain to those who don't know his name
So confusing and painful for those of us tormented daily by this thief
How the worry and thoughts of sadness move over you
Take over your body and mind, no matter how hard you fight it
No matter how much you just want it to go away and free you
from this agony
One moment of joy, one day of freedom is what is held dear
At least for those of us who are still here
Those of us who have not lost the fight yet, but battle this burglar of bliss everyday, every waking moment

Love battles on
The wagers of love wreak havock
Senseless emotions bend us to break
Only to Catch eachother before the fall
Hope fades as fast as it lights the way
Fumbling through love scapes as if some great adventure will call forth in climbing to the pinnacle of the mountain of love only to jump off like lemmings holding heartshaped balloons as if its enough...

Obviously from experience I make a rather easy target
How easy it will be for you to just blame me
Say I am the one who let you down
Tell yourself that I was childish and in mature
That I caused you heartbreak on purpose
That I felt nothing and how easy it was for me to forget you
To move on with life as if we never existed
Get angry with me
Show me your true colors, show me some resemblance of emotion or caring
Anger is so much easier to cope with than pain or loss of love
Give it your best shot dear
Blame me, for the end
Blame me for the silence
Blame me for the loneliness
Blame me for the memories turned to dust
There was no breakup, no loss of relationship
Just loss of friendship
My reasons to do so may have been selfish
But I had to let go, had to set you free from the "what if" that is me.

Taunted and teased by the empty page at my finger tips
How easy it can be has stained the moment of imagination
The process of artistic creation
At moments emotion seemed to flow freely like a river to the sea
Other times I am strangled by the pen in my hand, muted by the
want to put it on paper and stop it from punishing my heart
Its a unquenchable thirst that plagues every second of a writers
life.
The need and desire to let out all the darkness inside, all the joy, all the light until nothing is left.
Vocally she may not be able to represent her thoughts and dreams
But on paper a whole new reality is formed and the deepest visions the wildest notions flood the blankness

The following is a confession of a busy single mom who has realized that there is no excuse for letting this world take her away from her child.
Rushing, rushing, springing through her day
She works a 8-5 then picks up her child,
After dinner, homework, housework and preparation for the next day are done she had no energy remaining in those tired bones.
Bath and bed and a story to tell
And when she finally sets down before bed for herself she realizes life is passing her by.
Time is flying and the moments are turning into years
Age is showing on her face, her hair is becoming silver
For a split moment she stops, she ponders the days events and how they fold into the grand scheme of things
And in that brief second she has a parental epiphany
Time is so precious
Time and love are what life is about
And even though all her time is focused to providing and loving her child, her small moments of time are what her daughter hungers for the most.
Not stressed mommy, not busy mommy
Happy and silly mommy
Playing games, painting toenails, making silly faces and stories
Those will last a lifetime and longer
That is my legacy, that is my immortality
The rest is just something we do to pass the time and get by
So a promise was made deep in her heart
A promise to stop and breath
Stop and savor the moments however small they may be
Because the biggest and best part of being me is being her mommy!

No
It's cool.
These things happen for a reason
And every time I rehears those words I almost start to believe it
Because my naive heart just needs something to believe in
When nothing feels right
And I start to lose feeling
everything that's wrong
starts revealing
You made it all worth living.

Countless nights on my knees, hands folded in prayer
Pouring my heart and soul out to my maker
Trying so hard to be patient and wait
Finding it to be a never ending challenge to try and tame the desires of humanity.
The weakness of the mind and body
Only wanting to escape the sins of this shell and find the one soul to fulfill mine.
To love a spirit is to see beauty not only on the surface but see it resonate from within.
Lighting up every inch of skin from deep down
The longer you stay in their presence the more gorgeous they become.
Your eyes no longer see exterior
They find super human powers to fully see through this hollow hunk of flesh into the celestial being living inside.
No many get to truly experience this, but when you do it is a miracle.
This type of love is transcending all others
It makes the world change and causes there to be peace where there was once turmoil.
Illuminating a once dark and sad place
Washing over every moment with hope and contentment

I searched for you
In the crevices of my mind
Where I hid your songs
and half-meant promises
Forgotten and forgiven
Long ago forsaken
The hateful things I had in my heart
Only to undo the tears and wine
I drowned in
Only to exhume the bones I buried
When you left me
Now I find myself misshapen
My brain all the more bruised
Trying to recall the softness of your being
Thinking I shouldn't relapse
Into the addiction you gave me
But I am helpless in this war
Against my own will and sense
Because despite the scars and the beating
Of my heart when you hurt me
You were the only one
Who made me feel
Alive.

Since memory has been logged inside this whirl wind of thought
I have struggled with this inner angst
Only those who have suffered from its botheration can comprehend
Invisible nuisance that affect every aspect of one's day
Vexation of every nerve that runs through this shell of skin
It can begin with the simplest trigger
Small agitation can seem like a complete catastrophe
For me it begins deep with in my skin, starts to manifest as
heavy breathing, feeling as if I am going to jump out of my own skin
Ants racing over my body, every tendon tightens every muscle
begins to take on a life of its own.
Only able to focus on the disarray of my mind, every outside influence
sets off a string of grenades that explode on who ever is there at the present time.
Never discriminating on its target, wiping out every thing in sight
Uneasy in every situation
A mind blowing affliction of the worst kind
One that can only be felt inside out
The mind begins to run a marathon
Endless possibilities of conclusion to each situation
Pondering every mistake, every  choice over and over
Unresting, unsettling, unnerving
Unable to stop fixating on each tick of the clock
Each tiny sound of  a pin dropping on the cold steal floor
So much of this will eventually drive us insane
Break through the glass house built around this mind and heart
Peace is the ultimate heaven
Escape from one's own mind.