It was at that moment.
I knew.
I was in confusion.
Never would I think I would be sitting in the bedroom with a fan propped up against my face watching my ex playing PAC Man on the T.V...
Yes,
the room we shared every living breathing moment together.
Why was I there you might ask?
Well because I decided to be there.
Nothing of what you think,
just simply being there.
I prayed and vowed I'd never see him ever again,
I prayed and vowed we'd never cross roads.
But for some reason,
God had other plans.
Why? That I do not know.
I sometimes felt God brought him back in so that I can receive the proper closure I needed and then afterwards leave.
I also believed God knew we had a bond that wasn't going to be found in another person no matter how hard we tried.
“There's only one of one person.”
Doesn't mean we need to be together.
We won’t be together.
Ever.
Can it just mean we can't avoid each other?
Or can we?
We can.
And we did.
I could've said no to meeting up at that McDonald's,
I could've said no to hanging out day by day,
I could've said no to being friends,
I could’ve said no to the ***.
But I didn't.
My love for him made all the decisions.
Latia wasn’t.
In the beginning of it all,
I always said I'd rather us be friends than never seeing each other again because I couldn't bear him knowing all about me and all the funny inside joke memories just gone.
But he moved to Texas and we left on a sour note.
Maybe it was meant that way.
So, I keep this ***** little secret of mine only between my close friend and I because she's the only one that understood this whole situation from the beginning and wouldn't be mad at the fact I still associated my life with him.
Yea, it's my life and no one controls what I do or say or who I hang with,
but I just know...
deep down,
controversy would’ve spurred and everyone would look down on me as if I was a hypocrite or a girl who cried wolf.
Also,
if anything went haywire,
I didn’t want the whole world to know and I hear the backlash of it all.
So no-one but her knows about this.
Being in that room,
being in his presence,
I had to take things as a grain of salt.
Simply because none of it was serious or as deep as I would like it, it was just a casual “friendly bond”.
So I thought.
They always said,
"It's a myth being friends with an ex."
They were right.
It's hard being friends with someone you're in love with,
but it's easy being friends with someone you've only dated for a week or month.
So I sat there,
watching him play PAC man, wondering why the hell I was there and what the purpose in all that was.

My lips pressed together so my thoughts won't escape.

After we stared at each other...

After our hands touched each other and our lips met...

After we kissed and whispered...

After the sun went down and everyone went to sleep
and the sounds of music stopped and the train cried it's plea in the air...

After the weeds been smoked and your hands touched my thigh...

After my lip gloss was wiped away and our faces coated with blush...

We looked at each other and promised to never say anything.

Love just got in the way that night.
Wasn't supposed to happen like that.
I was hurt.
You were hurt.
I looked at the lit night,
Running my fingers across your skin,
Wondering why in the hell am I doing this.
Why did we do this...
How can something so sinfully wrong,
Feels so ******* good.
Twice that night.
I didn't care what my morals were for that hour and 32mins.
That night I left I pondered on my actions.
What we did was morally wrong,
But love just got in the way.
Let us vow to only us knowing what went down,
But not let it be spoken upon.

In one summer, I've become an alcoholic. I've become a reckless shadow of myself.
In one summer I caused the love of my life to distrust me. I showed him my weaknesses and he refused to forgive.
In one summer, I've proven to myself that I'm not strong enough to live. The once terrifying vision of a starile hospital ward seems welcoming now.
In one summer I've managed to convince myself I have nothing left.

Cocoa coffee.
Brunet,
Dusky.
 
My skin devours the sun.
I glow.
 
My skin was once a barricade,
I couldn't do much with it.
 
My skin was lynched, blistered, hosed.
 
Annihilated.
 
My skin disassociated who I wanted to be friends with,
Taboo places I wanted to fall in with.
 
Banished where to sit,
walk,
ride,
play.
Illegalized my freedom of speech.
 
My skin grew and grew and grew.
 
Broaden all over,
Creating role models that stand before me now.
 
Underneath all tarnished wounds,
I glow.
 
Chocolate chestnut.
Auburn,
Melanin.
 
My skin is sweet like Apple pie,
Ripe and enriched with knowledge.
 
My skin is coated with a honey glazed shield of righteous pride.
Embedded with the most exquisite fine wisdom.
 
I’m fine wine.
 
 
They say black is deliberately harmful
Boding ill
Soiled-stained with dirt
Grotesque
Illegal.
 
But what they don't know is that
Black goes with everything.

I sometimes think of what could’ve been or what needs to be.
I fight with what battle scars and a chipped tooth,
Nose bleed and churned stomach.
I overthink the unthinkable thoughts that think they’re slick but thought wrong.
We sometimes ******* false words or ideas that never play through.
My porcelain fingertips bursts as I try to touch within you.
Cold as a throat,
Hot as my heart.
Annoyed with the constant bleeding and choking.
You give me hot buttered love,
Melting me like m&ms in a fat girl’s pocket.
My heart’s been played more than an Al Green record at a fish fry.

I could no longer make a poem
For my mind has gone silent
Tried to swallow, choked on words
How pitifully malevolent.

I see my reflection in the mirror
But that wasn't really me
I see pain behind the smile
But the eyes were filled with glee.

Red was the color–
Of the stain on her cheeks
Blue was once the sky
But now it all can't be fixed.

I could not understand
How quick it was to change
But it wasn't entirely true...
Still see me within your range?

I may be what I appear to be
But deep within, I'm scared
Please hold me, don't let go
For all the memories that we shared

I can't assure that I could stay
But I'll still be right here
This love could only grow
Even if I disappear.

Thank you, I'm sorry
This won't be goodbye...
I guess I finally made a poem
And no, I won't say I'll die.

A person with intentions to love forever only deflowers.
I was wrong, I remember
Those nights, it was nothing but plum kisses from left to right
And your nose tickling my stomach.
Zestful.

All the blood would flow to my head.
Making me pink with ecstasy.
The nectarous smell of excretion fulfilled an image
And our fingers--- they would intertwine as if you felt I would slip away.
Sensational… amorous!

You would look me in the eyes, I would
look you in the eyes, a message would travel
this is more than just coition. Well in my
noggin I believed that. You wear a good look, callous.
I’ve been dumbfounded.

I look in the mirror. I am a stranger
To what I see. I now feel stripped
From my myself, your pupils have seen it all. You did this.
I feel disgusted, letting you dine
As if I was a restaurant. Twiddling and fumbling
As if you were blind and I was braille.

I now bathe in regret. Scrubbing
Till I can no longer feel your touch.