Why is it that we can be jealous of a thing we pushed away?
Is it because if I can't have it,
I don't want anyone to have it.
Let's call it,
Her.

Even though:
This jealousy is unfair;
To her,
To me.

I've written a lot.
Magnified the issue
Beyond understanding,
I drowned.

I forgot that every one,
Is the best while it lasts,
Then comes another.

If that's true
Why fear that every one becomes just another?
A question for later.
These five moons define all moons to to come.

I'll give them the attention I'd give
The one I'd be with
For all moons to come.

Let me live in care free joy
For you are not the worry of these five moons.
Beyond that we have our paths.
You are then not the worry
Of any season to come.

Something has shifted.
No longer ******* I myself against you.
I overlay.
My heart is free in other planes.
My actions relaxed.

'Twas not my heart I need stop
But its twisted crave.
Now unrolled,
Untwisted,
Relaxed,
On other planes.

Yet brittle,
I fear it crisp again.

I was a fool to think I'd rein myself
For lighter days.
I can't bare the glimpse of you
Just once a day.

A choice is grey.
I have no say.

No time will yield control.
My actions held back,
I'll let my heart run free
Of the darkness I've made of you
In my world.

One may wonder why hold back?
Might it be the fear of an end.
Or strength in holding principle?
Is the later to hide the former?

To many ends would make another
Nothing more than just another.

We could not last,
Our times are different.
I won't make you another.

Let my actions carry my heart away.
Sad to say:
Away from the eyes,
Away from the heart.

Unless two heart be
The effort to be together.

Away from my eyes I shall not long
The effort to be together.

I've seen you time and time again.
Each time my heart complains.

I said I'd rein myself
But all I've done is constrict myself,
Fitting more pain into less space.

But hope was lighter than regret.
A pang a day is better
Than to long all day.

Never have I written this much.
To write requires inspiration.
To write more distills inspiration.
Or have you given me more?
I'm not sure I want to know.
But true to myself I'll be.

I'll see what others think.
But still think for myself upon that.
For opinion has the value of the giver.
One that differs for who the giver gives.

I told them I needed time.
That time I'll take,
To hold face,
gain control.
Then I'll see what feels right,
Trying not to see how you react.
My actions shouldn't care,
Even if my heart does.
I'll try not to see how you react.

You talk to him,
He talks to you,
You (both) smile.

Why do I notice?
Now I know:
My heart I can't rein.
Like the stallion pulling the bit,
My actions will you see.
Calm.
That me is reined.

I am reined.
You will not see what I see.
For I chose,
And hold that choice.
For I believe,
We can both have the best,
In time,
Even apart.

I saw you.
All choices are grey.
You smile,
You don't know.
My heart constricts,
I write.

Could I rein myself?
For a different grey,
Perhaps lighter.
Could I rein myself?

All choices are grey.
But regret is darker.
And hope is lighter.

I shall rein myself.

I made a choice.
Once delayed,
but that was another.
Don't know if it hurt her,
It hurt me.
This time I won't let that be.

Nothing is black or white they say.
But what about choice?
No choice is grey.

So I chose,
unlike before:
Not considering those I'd hurt.

But I know they hurt,
of my fault:
I hurt.

No choice is grey?