The night is swiftly drawing near.  
Within my heart a stroke of fear.
What world awaits me when I sleep?
What gorgeous terrors my mind keeps
From me until I close my eyes
And leave the waking world behind!

In dreams a false reality:
What gives me strength to let me fly
Past crescent moons, through airy lakes,
And watch the heav’nly light rays break
Through clouds of cotton soaring high
Above the fields of warm July?

This realm I pray to never leave;
Its absence I so sorely grieve
When, more and more, I seem to find
The inner fabric of my mind
Distorting into something base:
My dreams now seem to wear your face.

For no amount of light can ease
The pain from dreams that will not cease.
In sleep, or wakening, I know
Your Devil’s face will always show,
For like a sunset in the East,
You’re like a never-dying Beast.

Tell me,
What do you see when you look at me?
Does this look healthy to you?

I am
At my breaking point. I have no
way of coping with this.
All I think about
day in, day out, is about
how
whether I am going to fail.

I can't fail. I have been brainwashed into
I have been told since I was
very young that I need these to be happy.
I am not happy.

This is a system rigged against me
against us
against people who cannot
control
People who cannot stay calm.
People like me
are falling
drowning in expectation
fear of failing
a fear of the future.

Call me lazy.
You may call me lazy
but I am so exhausted.
Working part time
revising
panicking because this is my everything.
I have no time to be happy
or be productive.
All there is time for is stress
and tears
and I am not happy.

Breathing is hard, sometimes,
when you’re trying to keep a rhythm
but you know there’s something hidden down there,
somewhere, but you're too scared to go and see.
You’ll hear me screaming
battle cries
but they’re filled with desperation
so much pain and devastation
Because I’m fighting,
but I’m fighting to be me.

It’s hard to explain when you won’t understand,
though you’ve seen nothing,
I’ve seen it first hand
still
you need to snap me out of this.
Clearly you know better,
I know worse
keep your distance from this curse,
but I hope you’ll listen because
this is how it is:

It’s like being trapped inside,
no escape
world cut off with big red tape,
love for myself
turning into hate.
It’s like wanting to speak,
but the words just die,
bound and chained when you need to fly
take a breath,
no
you suffocate.

It’s like confessing a sin
which you didn’t commit,
deal with the shame that comes with it
you can try and hide it but
it’s fixed to you for life.
It’s like never ever knowing what
they’re going to say and
by being afraid you become their prey,
my life sits on the blade of a knife...

It’s like running for your life
but your legs don’t work
so you’re forced to fight
and you’re forced to hurt
and you know you’ll lose
but you try anyway.
It’s like trying to swim,
but you can’t stop sinking
demons arrive,
but you can’t stop thinking
tearing at your head
JUST STOP
just
...
go away