Resist the temptation to
pick at your scabs,
and when they wound you again
pretend not to notice.

Sara Fielder © Mar 2022

The eons of my life are passing by in a jiffy
Feels like a dream this life
It was only yesterday
That I was cradled in my mother's arms
Her sweet lullaby dispelling my fears
Her motivating words always keeping me positive
Then as the years went by..
...From crawling to walking
From mumbling gibberish to talking...
...I  gradually learnt it all
And yet sometimes I feel like I haven't changed at all
I'm still that shy reserved soul
Absorbing pain and loneliness every single day of my existence
The same introvert finding happiness and comfort in my writings
All my life I've always felt like a misfit for some reason
Now many decades later I still feel the same...
...sure I've changed somewhat
I've aged...
I've lost some hair.. some teeth
I've become a bit forgetful
Times have changed..
Technology has become more prevalent
I'm adapting or at least trying to adapt to these changes as best as I can
...But somethings have remained the same...
I was a loner many eons ago
And I'm still one
And yet I'm still living...
...surviving
...trying to find happiness in whatever I do
Learning or at least trying to learn something each and every day of my life..
Perhaps I guess I'm enjoying the silence and beauty that loneliness offers
I guess solitude is the only thing I have that I can truly enjoy
And if I don't ever find any companionship.. At least I know that I'll always have loneliness by my side...
I sometimes wonder.. Have I lived my life to the fullest?
...Have I achieved all my goals in life?
And I sit and think for hours and days and I just can't come up with any answers to these two questions
I guess I'll never know the answers to these.. Perhaps I'm not meant to...

If you don't Think
It's a Con
You're Dead
wrong!

If you don't Think
It's a Con
You're Dead
wrong!

If you don't Think
It's a Con
You're Dead
wrong!

If you don't Think
It's a Con
You're Dead
wrong!


                                NOW
                   Only

One
                      question remains:
                  
                            What is It?

                                       ...

If you don't Think
It's a Con
You're Dead
wrong!
            
                                      ...
Bu­t what is It?

we just stood in the pouring rain
then warm dawn came,
sun running through trees on
Screaming Hill,

the way your hair falls down
around your face,
you look so pretty to me,

my lady of the rain

a rainbow around the sun
and I long to hold you,
the blue sky sowing stardust
and l'll always love you,
O, my lady of the rain

Be so focused on your goals that you don't even have the time to compare yourself with others.

I’m slipping beneath.
Agony today I wait.
Midnight he wrote. Midnight.

I met a monster
and I called her mother,
dangerous to no one other
than myself.

Every night she would berate me
make me think that she hates me
as she violently laid her hands on me.

I feel like I would have been safer
in the arms of any stranger,
cuz a decent person
wouldn't put that kind of hurting
on someone they claimed to love.

All the years that I lived with her
I learned how to suffer
indignities like they were trivialities,
and with each verbal and physical attack
I learned how to turn my mind black
and inwards towards
my own sharpened sword
as I skewered myself.

Don't you know it.
I can be super stoic,
the sentinel of security
sitting safely secluded
to prevent people who
want to breakthrough
and intrude on those
who are trying to do
what they’re supposed to,
so they can get paid
and take care of those
who they are close to.

I'm not Santa Claus but I'm hefty.
I'm not jolly cuz life left me
navigating deftly
across time zones
where minds roam
while I dream of a present
that presents positive possibilities;

Not Marvel’s what if comic book realities
that I used to collect,
but issues that direct
my heart towards acts of compassion
as I ask strangers what they are lacking
that makes them malicious actors.

I have not discovered the ultimate factors,
or removable variables
that would enhance our ability
to be superbly gifted soldiers
of love and humanity.

Weary, I'm still searching.