sometimes i wonder if emely had feelings for me.
i wonder if they were so deep rooted to where she felt
guilty
for it and kept it all down low
and just didn’t acknowledge it.
because before,
she did things that convinced both me
and other people that she liked me.
that she loved me too.
people tell me i was crazy,
or i was imagining all of these feelings and
it was just infatuation at it’s finest,
but i genuinely love her.
or, did, i guess.
i still do love her,
but in a different way.
i love kayla, too.
so everything is fine.


but really it isn’t.
i try not to think about it,
but what if she still has some sort of
feelings, or
affection for me ?
because as much as i try to forget it
and disregard her,
she still does convincing things
that she
knows
i like.
things that are,
i’ll admit,
the bare minimum,
but she pays attention.
she’s empathetic.
i mean something to her,
and i know i do,
because she’s told me.
she does small things, like
looking me in the eyes when she says goodbye,
and letting her eyes linger on me
until i’m out of sight.
she doesn’t like touch,
but she knows i’m a touchy person,
so when i leave,
she makes an effort to lay a hand on me,
and whether that’s
poking my cheek, or
caressing my shoulder,
she still does something.
she used to do this thing,
before kayla
started walking frida to class,
where she’d drop frida off
at the door,
wave her goodbye,
and reach out and grab my hand while i was walking away.
and each time,
i’d hold it back,
and tell her
“bye, em ! i love you !”
and even though
she never says it back,
i know she wants to.
i can see it in her eyes,
and the day she says i love you back,
is the day my heart will have closure.
when she holds my hand,
i walk away
and it reminds me that i almost had her.
i almost did.
but she’s taken away from my grasp,
just out of reach,
like a star. sososo far,
but so close.
close enough to touch,
just never
close enough to keep.
it hurts, i’ll admit,
but i won’t do anything about it.
i don’t have feelings for her anymore.
but for a moment there,
she reminded me of bella.
she reminded me that love was
worth it, and
fulfilling my feelings
was worth living for.
i adore her and i love her.
even if i can’t the way i used to.