I admit it
I cheated
Now we're even
I didn't mean to
It just happened
And I couldn't stop it
Plus
She was always here for me
When I needed it to be you
I tell her everything
And she alway listens
And she gets what I've been through
Wish it didn't happen this way
I wanted to stop
But she begged me to stay
So I did
And when I'm with her
All my problems seems to fade
She always comforts me
And her hugs are so warm
Sometimes we don't do anything
Just lay in each other's arms
I always get lost in her body
I go to her
When you are away
Wishing you would stay but I know you won't
So I'm up with her all night
She stares at me while I write
Sometimes guiding my hands
I never want to let her go
But if you asked me too
I'd give up her for you

Your the last person I wanted to see
Nearly had a heart attack
When I saw you on tv
Gagged
Screamed and spit out my food
Painting the screen
And I know the reason your standing up there is me
Ready to end your life
You exposed the insides of your heart
And I couldn't believe I saw me
Scared of being loved to much
I decided to flee
Packed up my things while you were sleep
I had to leave
I loved you too
But just not that much
Now seeing you like this
Destroys me
Wish I was there to tell you not to leap
Step away from the ledge
Not knowing what to do
Almost fell off the couch
I was so close to the edge
Just like you

These three words are getting harder to say
I don't know if the feeling has gone completely
Or if it was ever there in the first place
We've become more distance
And I feel less optimistic
That this is going to work
I use to call you sweet names
But things have really change
And at one time you said I was all that mattered
And I was your world
And now I'm starting to question that day
Wondering what really happened to that girl
One bad episode of life
Has left you feeling not right
I don't want to give up
But everyone else says it's the right thing to do
I've never been the one to listen to others
And trust still isn't a cup I can drink from
If it's passed to me from you
Lately I feel confused
And my feeling felt like they've been abused
But at the end of the day
I made my choice
And I said I'd stay
Because deep down
I love you

I'm still choking on the ashes of your disappointment,
And I'm still reenacting scenes from the grave,
And I wish I could take a step into your mind
To fathom what firing synapses are urging you to consider

What do you think about on late nights?
Do you think about airports and silent drives?
Do you think about beautiful lakes and perfect heartache?

I've been digging graves for every single "I love you"
And I'm running out of eulogies

Lost control
Let go of the wheel
Could hear the tires screaming
Trying to grip the pavement
No matter how hard they tried to hold on
It was already to late
This was my fate
It was my fault anyway
Trying so hard to get there in time
Before you could walk away
If only I can make it in time
I just know I can convince you to stay
But this is how it was meant to end
If I lost you in my life
I wouldn't want to live anyway
And it looks like
It's gonna be that way
Windshield cracking
Glass shattering
Metal bending and breaking
Even in the middle of all the chaos
And the car continues to flip and turn
Over and over
The only thing I can think of
Is your face
Wish I could kiss you one last time
Now it's to late

I should've made you laugh more
Until you fell on the floor
Grabbing your stomach from the giggling pain
But now I might not have that chance
Your gone and all I feel is sore
I should've held your hand
And clutched it tight
Now the only way I see your face
Is when I close my eyes at night
I should've kissed you
Until you couldn't take it
Now your gone
And my heart is breaking
And I can't fake it
Should've told you I loved you sooner
But the fear of saying it out loud
I was to scared
To embarrassed
Selfish and full of pride
I should've hugged you more
And not let go
Should've rubbed your back
I know it was always so sore
I should've done more
When I was your man

How did I get this far up
And so close to the ledge
Acrophobia
Stops me from peaking over the edge
I can feel the cold steel trembling
Moaning and groaning as it sways slightly in the breeze
Breathing beneath my feet
I heard if you're high up enough
Water feels like the ground
So even if I survived this jump
I can't even swim
I know I'll drown
But I have to
I must
Because you said you'll never leave me
But you left in a rush
And I was crushed
You told me you'd always love me
But where are you now
You're nowhere to be found
Not even in the crowd
That's gathered around
All their talking have been muffled and muted
By the sound of the whizzing wind
Filling my ears
I can only hear my heartbeat
And it's telling me to leap
Spread eagle
And pretend I can fly
But the little faith I have stops me
I've been living in hell so long
I stopped thinking heaven is real
I don't believe in nothing
Not even in you
If you were here
I'd tell you to jump too
Even if you happened to show up
You'd be to late
This is the only means of escape

Never fall in love
It's like a drug
And once you tried it
You get hooked
But it does more harm then good
It smacks you across the face
Like a left hook
Kicks you in the gut
And leaves you shook
Often it keeps you up at night
You fight it
And try to embrace sleep
But you lose a lot
And it leaves you battered and bruised

After her

You feel lost
Still In so much pain
But then she comes along
Picks you up off your feet
And helps you pick a lane
For a long time she walks with you
Anndrea is her name
She introduced you to love again
But you fight it every step of the way
If I knew then what I know now
I'd tell you to stop and turn away
Warn you
I feel bad you didn't know
That she would betray you
But you're so much in love
You forgive her
And expose every feeling you felt for her  
But she already knew
Now you want a family
And to make her your wife
Thinking how things are so good at night
But it never stayed that way
And now you are me
Weak
Laying in the dark
Crying and writing
How pitiful are you
What would the old you think of you
Of me
But even though sometimes it hurt
Her love is worth the pain
Dear younger me
Forget everything I said
Fall in love
And in love again

this is a time
when open doors
close silently
when I approach

against my will

I can no longer enter
familiar spaces
they lock me out

a stranger in the world
   I thought was mine
left with no home
   to take me in
shuffling through streets
   without a goal
in a world of closed doors

this is the time
when I am not

        * *

He laid there
Frozen
While the morning sun climb on his skin
And leaped on his face
Trying to get him to wake
Even if it stretched out it's rays like arms to shake him He was already gone
But his alarm wouldn't quit
It continues to yell
Every five minutes

Until finally his mom came in
Reached out to touch him
And discovered
There was no life under his skin
It was cold
Like a frozen metal pole
Left out in the snow
In her distress
She panic
Still shaking him furiously
Hands clutching her chest
Like she's going into cardiac arrest

She stood there
Not knowing what to do
Crying and sobbing
Tears streaming down her cheek
Snot strolling out her nose like a small creek
She continued to yell his name
But he never got up

We had a bad breakup
And I just couldn't accept
You didn't want to makeup
Came to your door for a talk
But instead you just said no
Take a walk
And wanted me to go
But I panicked
Didn't know what to do
So I reached out and grabbed you
UnIntentionally
And now here we are
Driving full speed down the street
With you in the back seat
Legs bound
And hands tied
Please don't make a peep
I don't want to have to tape your lips
From cheek to cheek
You came with a fuss
Kicking and screaming
Now you just lay there silent
I know you want to speak
Tears streaming down your face
Staring
You won't even blink
I know what you must think
I'm crazy
And obsessed ex
But you're wrong
I tried moving on
But I just couldn't let go
There's no me without you
And if you ask me why
Just know
Love made me

I lied and told her I ate, so I could take the medicine that makes me lose my appetite and stay up all night with fevers and cold sweats. Goosebumps that leak into my heart, they stay there unnoticed until the shivering begins to quake and ache and rock my body back and forth into a suicidal dream. But hey, at least I'll be skinny.