I'm a man but also a boy.
I'm mature but childish.
I'm stupid while being quick witted, a fat man with the confidence of one perfectly fitted.
The rebel fronting as a prep.
The smile covering the fear of death.
The frown covering the happiness of life while my shadow can eclipse the universe of all light.

I'm free now but more trapped than ever.
It's ended, gone and over.
My heart is crushed, beaten and slower.
Four years of hard work commitment and pain, my skin showing those scars to show my shame.

I'm a liar, a badman, I'm to blame.
I try to much or to little its never the same.
How can I ignore them when every year I have to write, speak, and hear their name.
I will never understand how our strength turned me lame forcing me to learn that the fight of my life was a game with nothing to gain.

I'm a man....but sometimes I feel like nothing.
Shattered dreams of feeling love and a part of something.
How do you go from the loves of each others lives to feeling nothing but sadness and resent inside.

I'm a loveless romantic.
All the tricks I know love I can show but all I ever get is we are done and you can go.

I feel so used.
My soul is abused.
I knew everything when I was with her... now I'm scared and confused.

I'm the one who was trying to make it work.
I'm the one who is shedding tears and being hurt.
How come I'm the one who feels cursed?
Always came second never came first.
Maybe this is the time I'm giving up the search.

I used to try to stay awake until the horizon turned red. Push myself further into nights darkness trying to show my thoughts true darkness instead of the thoughts in my head reminding myself things could be worse.

Funny isn't it? How a boy with all hopes and dreams, who made others lives easier than it seemed, has a defensive problem, not against an enemy but the thoughts enveloping me in my dreams.

But that's how my mind thinks. Instead of staying up till dawn I wake up before it, breaking the moons hold on my mind because those thoughts are an hourly occurring thing. Sometimes life is even crazier than my dreams because instead of my pain it is happening to my loved ones. Illness poverty death of grand parents true friends and cousins, how come we only see proof of a higher power is because they want something? Was my dad's soul and mind not enough? Almost killing me two years later just to see if we are still tough? How come we keep breaking down instead of being built from the ground up, are we supposed to credit god the universe or just bad luck?

No matter where I search I find no answers. I've wandered through churches, read and studied bible verses resisting my negative urges trying to find the reason there is no happiness for me, just pain desperate anxiety and hurting.

I'm Exhausted, worn out and used. I'm close to breaking. A work horse with scars from whips being abused while he is wondering if Kipling was wrong about the worn out tools.

Sometimes you cant rebuild you got to walk away. Think about the future because the past is so pack it can't afford the cost of what was and now lacks or the look in the face of loved ones while they speak of suicidal attacks.

History is repeating, slowly creeping from my feet over my shoulder causing abuse to my spirit. But it is really who I am that is taking the beating.

Used to be so nice now cynical.

Used to be different now typical.

When I was the same I needed to change but now you want the same you criticise and say I am to blame.

Oh its Cole Hood the guy who ran away came back fell flat on his face while everyone laughed because he finally had to face what he lacks.

You can only give so much before you are gone. Never being able to restart the fire of your light, it has dimmed like it never truly reached dawn. So when you wake up from a coma. No balloons sweet flowers aroma. Empty room no one giving a soulful sacrifice like you, the moon light beckons you back.

So you stay awake until the horizon turns red. The thoughts will either end, or start again. Now I'm waiting for dawn, my long lost friend.