sometimes i see pictures of you or videos of you
posted by your friends
and i see the same things i saw 10 months ago
the little curl of hair behind your ear when it gets too long
and i whisper to you
"you've got a curl, it's time to cut your hair again."
and i see that the corner of your lip is hitched up again
in a half smile
and i say to you
"what's so funny, love?"
but i keep forgetting you can't hear me anymore
saying the things i shouldn't have said to begin with
like the
"I love you too."
i typed to you the night we thought we were clouds.

i just want to hear your ******* voice again at 2 am
because even though we're both supposed to be asleep
i still want to know that you're safe
and you're fine and you miss hearing my voice too
i want things to be like they were at the beginning of my freshman year
when we were shy and we were friends
and we were at least ******* talking
Jesus Christ
i thought about everybody a few minutes ago and how i wish
i could just phone all of us up again and say
"let's hang."
but you're out doing drugs with all of my ****** ex friends
and i honestly don't know what's worse
the fact that sometimes i swear i still love you
or the fact that you aren't who i still love anymore.

if i love you
then you're lucky
if i hate you
you're also lucky
because that means that you knew something enough
about me
to cause me to feel either way

i think the first time i looked at you
i knew
that love was possible
it was a tangible thing that i wanted
when i saw you laugh in middle school
your eyes lit up like they do now
except they weren't mine to look at
through the first two years of high school
you came to me as a backup plan
you still weren't mine
but jesus christ
when i saw your lips curve into a smile
i thought my heart was going to jump out of my throat
when i laughed for too long or too loud i apologized internally
but that only happened when i was around you
i felt like i needed to be reserved
calm
quiet
and now
i look into your eyes and i see suns exploding and imploding
and stars being born from dust
and i know that it all sounds really cliche but there isn't one word
that tells how i feel
like i'm home.

How sweet it was to be loved by you
But now we have to let go for good

If you are the a sun,
Then I am life blossoming from your warmth.

If you are the earth,
Then I am the moon eternally by your side.

sometimes i think about you
the one that i loved first
(the one that i still do)
and i get so incredibly sad
because you were mine
i was yours
i thought
talk to me
Jesus Christ just talk to me
its nights like these
where i cant help but to miss you
so deeply
that it rips my chest open
so i can see the flowers that you planted there


*are still growing