One hundred and twenty-six days-
sober.
I thought I was strong enough
What the **** is the point of thinking
you have free will when this poison touched
my lips again?
After 126 days-
I convinced myself I was okay, that I could
"handle" just one drink
But one turned into more-
and I've had enough in my lifetime...
© 2016 Christina Jackson

When you lose the motivation
to keep breathing

Feeling-

The apathy settles in
Like an old friend
Unwelcome, locked doors
keys thrown aside

You tried

You feeling nothing anymore
it's all been a lie
© 2020 Christina Jackson

That sweet illustrious
scent of barreled
wood smoke

The aroma radiating
through the air
into your nostrils

A desire to sip
that sweet nectar

I crave the warm
blood rushing
through my veins

The alluring feeling
when you've had
just enough

It chemically
changes the brain-
And you're happy

For a few short hours

I feel incredibly alive
I feel real
I feel happy

Then all fades away-
and disappears.

Oh whiskey, you understand
me so well.

You are a dear loyal friend
© 2014 Christina Jackson

All my life I've searched for love-
It is only in the recent years I have
ceased searching and continued working
on myself that I have had many
opportunities surpass me by.

I am not a slave to the love I give
nor am I slave to the love that
is given.

I will not succumb to a perpetuating
misogynistic fool that only wants me
because I want what he thinks is real

I am not a follower of faith, nor a lover
or guided by "Gods" misguided ways

You may be offended by this statement
but please remember we are all
individuals and different.

Practicing spirituality in several
different ways.

Each of us with our own opinions
Never forgetting the rhythm of
our heart beats

No opinion nor religion can surmount
the fact that consequentially-
we are HUMAN.
© 2014 Christina Jackson

Worrier of the world
We reap what we sow
Forget the answers to
questions once asked
Plea for forgiveness
Holding on tightly,
As if it were our last
Clinging to the brink of death
We remember to forget
We remember to forget
You can’t escape the inevitable
It won’t last
We get lost in metaphors
and allegories and rhymes
None of which make any sense
History repeats itself everyday
We remember to forget
We remember to forget
The blinding bridges
The winding pathways
That led us to demises
we never knew existed
Before reality hit us
Like a ton of bricks
hidden in a sock
We’re all lost, lost
In a tangled web of all the lies
we've been told
The eyes we peered into
Weren't the windows to the soul
But an open doorway
To secret realms we had
yet to explore
We raged fires on and on
Into the dead of night
We remember to forget
We remember to forget
What future truly lies ahead
For all of us, we’re borrowers of time
leaking off the mysterious invisible clock
The hands are broken, and we simply forgot
All that ever was, will eventually be lost
Never to be found again, buried so deeply
Bulldozers will be summoned to unearth  
The secrets we shoveled into the ground
Some long lost years ago
We remember to forget
We remember to forget
So we can all rest peacefully
when we finally lose our heads.
© 2014 Christina Jackson

It was subtle, but he touched my soul in a way that no other could.  He calmed my inner dialogue and put my fears to rest.
The monsters aren't as scary when you have someone else slay them with you and comfort you in the darkness.
And in this new calm state, still, I stirred and grabbed deep down, a fire in me I long forgot about
You've lent me a pair of glasses which showed all the beautiful parts of me I couldn't see
Most important of all, you never judged me, not once, for just being me
©2021 Christina Jackson

Dearly beloved,

You are an ancient painting filled with radiant colors of wondrous beauty, pleasurable for all to enjoy, yet my hope is for I and I alone to explore and endure. I wish you could see what I see in you. You're afraid to love because you don't think you have much time left, but what if you're wrong? What if all of this is just a test of your strength and when you finally let go of all that is making you suffer you will begin to heal and grow anew. You can only hold on to pain for so long before it devours you whole. It's a senseless practice, practiced every day.  You eat up the darkness as though it's your last meal. You aren't disposable or recyclable, you are the embodiment of love and grace. And so I ask you this, why so fearful of loving and being loved in return? Would you rather not have been truly loved in its purest form of elegance and chaos, or take the latter and not be loved or love another at all? We have been denied the right to remember our past lives and whom of which we have loved in those lives. Our days are spent searching and scouring the planet for each other again, without a clue or definitive reason why we are searching, only an insufferable pull that shakes your bones. Knowing you must do this and you'll feel whole again. Yet we do it endlessly until our hearts can no longer endure the pain we have afflicted on it. Self infliction of our own convictions that we truly believe there is someone out there solely meant for us. Someone we fully connect with on a spiritual, mental, and physical level. A thought so deeply ingrained within us that we torture our hearts and souls until we are left with nothing but scars and empty valves and all the blood drained from our lifeless veins.

I wish you could understand you are the light by which sparks my soul, my heart, and inspires me to wake up every day and breathe life into my lungs. This ache encompasses the entirety of my being, and without you I don't know that I could carry on without losing the fundamental tools and skills in my brain to function on a day to day basis. And when I tell you I love you with all that I am and all that I will ever be, I mean what I say. I am not saying it for sake of saying so. These roots you have planted within me run deeper down through my core, implanting a strong hold, blooming leaves and budding flowers as our love grows. Don't you know my dear sweet love, you are everything in this world I could ever ask for or wish to be. You are the mirror reflection I gaze tirelessly in to everyday and I wish not for another mirror, I'd shatter every last one of them if you weren't the image looking back at me.
© 2014 Christina Jackson

There lies, at the hour of separation-
A brief moment where your thoughts
collide into one convoluted jumble of
remorse and a deep presence to understand
the feelings of emptiness
which currently reside at your core

The taste of leftovers, leftover
on your lips-
Begging for a reunion
A longing to recover
and a sensual desire to reminisce

The brush of barren skin against yours
Leaves and imprinted impression on your body
As the clay molds its shape into form, and color
Or lack of color-
Colorless

The expedition of nakedness
The emptiness you're left with
When the untying of  fingers
who were once clasped so tightly together

That feeling; Evades you
Slowly dissipates into uncharted territory

A vulnerable sense of direction-
Terrifies you, makes you shake
in your bones

You begin to understand, when
someone parts from you physically
all feelings fade into a memory,
a moment one could never return to

No matter how tightly you hold on
You can cling and claw at the moment
never to end

But you can never get it back

It's as though you've entered a dream
A weary existence
It poses the question
That what you've experienced
was ever even real to begin with

If you're lucky enough, or rather
unlucky enough, depending on the
given situation

To replay, fast forward, and rewind
Those fleeting moments in your mind

Whether or not you're capable of such abilities
precedes any notion that regardless of what you do
You can't be the "you", you were five, ten, fifteen minutes ago

Life is the clay, constantly molding, shaping
reshaping and reforming itself with each day.

Every second, minute and hour

Eventually you'll dry up
like a dead and wilted flower

You'll be just that

A ceramic piece of art
Forever lost in the echos of time and space

Shadow-less; in a world filled with shadows
© 2014 Christina Jackson

There comes a time in ones life when certain things that once mattered so much, don't mean anything at all. And you ponder the truth beneath your bare and naked bones, when your soul can only endure so much before nothing matters at all. There is only so much a person can take before life engulfs them in the shadows of who they once were. I believe in beauty, and I believe in pain. However, when the two collide, you succumb in weakness like a knife plunging directly to the heart. If not for the little beautiful things in life, and if not for the immeasurable pain we go through that causes us to die inside, over and over and over again. What then, would life be without strife? And what then, would life be without knowing that beauty live's in each of us, and we haven't a **** clue how to let the beauty shine so bright? Eventually it blinds those that couldn't handle your flaws or your imperfectly perfect life. Those absent eyes pierce directly through your soul, and you haven't a clue where the *******'re going or what to do. You're left with nothing but the painful and bitter truth of being human.
© 2014 Christina Jackson

My heart is drenched
in the drunkenness-
Of all the love I have
lost
And all the love I will
ever give to you

As if the wind
blowing through
your hair wasn't
enough-
It too moved me
like a tornado.
Its beauty disastrous
yet over ever so
quickly.

Leaving behind
remnants of
sunny days
and clear blue skies

My love for you will
burn a million suns
until no suns are left
to die a bitter
demise
© 2014 Christina Jackson

There is hope for us yet
When words fail
and only actions speak
These hands become healers

Tracing every line
of your shape
Ear to chest
I can feel the shallow
breaths
Heart skipped a beat

The ever-growing tension
shatters-
When these hands hold
your face and kiss
you softly
dissolving the pain

Those eyes speak volumes
my heart hurts
When you grabbed my hand
and wouldn't let go

These healing hands
they shake
with indecision
Terror running through
my veins

The denial of something
real and concrete
A self-sabotaging trait
I wish to eliminate

I want you to want me
for me, not some convoluted
fantasy

I fashion metaphors
and wear them like armor
to deflect
All I want is to **** the air
from your lungs

Hold me tight
oh healing hands
don't fail me now

I need you now
more than ever
As they glide up
and down my spine

Now I'm naked
holding my heart out
to you
©2020 Christina Jackson

The never ending battle
Between good and evil
Whom will prevail?

In the eyes of the hopeless
Holds and endless rage
For eternity
our minds trapped inside this cage

This answer you seek
a beautiful glass box
and In it carries a key
Oh could it be,
but the key of destiny?

Thousands of years
We've tried to find
A lost secret
That forever binds
Man to mystery
We've been colored blind

A mere mask
will uncover thine
Beyond those grand trees
Hides a path so wide
One man alone could never ride

That precious word we call time
Doesn't exist on this climb
A fight for morality
Our battle for the like minds

Many a tears we've reaped  
To no avail
The truth we are here to seek

© 2012 Christina Jackson

And new callouses formed-
hardening the once bloodied
and broken skin

Roots broke through
old dirt
now renewed

Part the seven seas
The veins of earth,
need to breathe

We've come undone,
time to reweave-
the fabric of ourselves
hath been redeemed.
©2020 Christina Jackson

Insecurity; breeds inferiority.
Empty, cold and broken.
What's lacking now, forever hopeless.
Those eyes; encompass my soul.
A mirror is what you see.
My looking glass, it's so tempting.
It's what you'll never know that perplexes me.
How could you not? In a world so isolating.
What your future holds, terrifies me.
© 2013 Christina Jackson

When the leaf bud sprang and blossomed
I had always thought I was getting what
my heart infinitely wanted.

The sea of brown elevated my confidence
to masterful ancient artful levels

Though it wasn't you that had the mark
of the devil

You were a servant of the skill through
use of intellectual endeavors

Craving the red stained sweetness of
this rebels varying medieval
edible lips

All along the wood planked
grooves
Was a tactical move
one could not so easily forget

© 2014 Christina Jackson

Anxiety meds take control-
over my heart, brain, and soul.

In these past few months-
I haven't yet learned how
to take control.

The mind is a beautiful
thing to waste.

And I have wasted
away slowly, day by day.

I'm finally seeing a therapist,
and that has made all the
difference & no judgements
have been made.*

© 2016 Christina Jackson

I don't want to wait for a sign from the universe anymore, what if they're aren't any signs?
I don't want to wait for a sign for you to tell me you love me, cause what if you really haven't all along

And I've been sitting here like a fool, just waiting for you to tell me what's going on.

I don't want to wait for a sign anymore; my heart has searched, only to turn around, look back, and walk straight out the door.

I can't wait for a sign from the universe anymore, what if they're aren't any signs?

And you've been searching and searching, but you couldn't find, that one sign.....So you gave up
turned your back on love, you thought the signs were showing you things.

Though you fear the signs themselves have already revealed what you've held deep inside for years.

I don't want to wait for a sign from the universe anymore; I already know what I want, I just don't know what I'm searching for.

Every choice I'll ever make
the answers are already within me
I'm changing my perspective on life
Cause' I'm tired of waiting for destiny

© 2013 Christina Jackson

This deafening silence
Kills me slow

You’re killing me slowly
Parts of me are deteriorating
devouring me whole

The chemical compounds
in my brain are screaming-
So frighteningly loud.

My mind won't power down.
© 2014 Christina Jackson

Do you love me?
As I love you?
So deeply it hurts-
And the knots in your
stomach won't go away
And you lie in bed at night
Wishing and waiting
For the one you love
to love you the same
And all you feel is pain-
Pain for your heart and soul,
knowing they love someone else-
And your heart hurts and you can't
breath anymore.
And all fades to darkness
and all you're left with
is nothing but empty spaces..
2014 Christina Jackson

I never did like 'good nights', you see-
They always seemed like goodbyes to me

So instead I say 'until next time',
and all is right for bedtime.
© 2014 Christina Jackson

"If there ever is a time your heart is restless, think of me. The lyrics, the melody flowing through you like the wind on a warm summers day. May it bring comfort to your heart, and peace to your soul. Think of me once more, as the song moves through you, forevermore." © 2014 Christina Jackson

You are the universe that lives in my heart, the stars that reflect in my eyes and all the galaxies infinitely flowing through my soul. Until the end of all my days, it is you"
© 2014 Christina Jackson

The disappointment in her eyes- Rang like a million
church bells, over and over again.

Everything stopped- Frozen in time
Nothing made sense.
Ash and Urn, the unearthed dirt is crumbling now.

Laughing and sighing all at once.

The cathedral spoke to her in whispers,
Sweet whispers, and the shivers ran deep, deep
within her- down to her spine.

It was as though God was speaking to her through the *****
that echoed throughout the hallowed aisles- He spoke, but silently
wept, he wept for her; to understand why she had to go through all
of this again.

Why, is the question she's asked herself-
over and over and over again


The pastor spoke compassionately, with love
in his voice.
He always choked up, in between verse.
For he knew her, and her family's strife.
He too wept, for the once wonderful life, they
all so recently had.

Before that day- Nothing seemed to matter
But now it all faded away- into nothingness

As she wept her silent tears, God promised her
nothing would be the same, "oh sweet child, you have to
let go; rest your fears. You can't keep living and carrying around the pain. Oh deep and genuine pain, give me everything and I will release you. From those shackles, those rusted chains.

And she sighed, knowing he would do just
as he had promised.
She then let go of it all, and nothing was the same.
He walked with her, side by side.

The pastor spoke the last words of his sermon
As they threw ash to the wind- all of the sorrow,
need not burden anyone anymore.

I release you, please take off those chains-
You no longer have to worry, ever again
© 2014 Christina Jackson

I know you
I know your soul

Deep down into the darkest corners
of your pain and strife-

I have searched and found,
there is magic in your eyes

The type of magic you see
gleaming from a newborn
just discovering the world
for the first time.

Ancient melodies flow through
your bones as if the universe
is speaking through you-
In cosmic foreign tongues.

Your heart speaks to mine as if
we've known each other for
millions of lifetimes.

There is a comfort in knowing that
I will always carry your heart within mine.

The connection between self and soul,
is something only spoken in fairy tales.
It is wondrous and fantastical.

The magnetic pull of the earth
is constantly bringing me back to you.
As if no other existed before, and no
other will exist after.

There is only the here and now
All we have is this moment and
this breath of life.
The air traveling through our lungs, the
blood pumping in our veins-
It is all we have.

We are all living on borrowed time
and you are timeless.
In all essence and glory
You are the reason I keep drawing
breath from these often weakened
lungs.

The pain you feel travels through
my heart and soul-
As if lightning has struck when
you run into an existential wall.

I know you
I know your soul
It lives within me
You are part of my daily breath
and it will never leave me.
© 2015 Christina Jackson