When I'm with him, everything feels easier
But everything is so complicated
I'm tiptoeing and peeking around corners before entering rooms
I don't want to close the door and have it lock behind me.
I can't risk this again, but I don't seem to be getting any better at staying tame..He's insane...

Forcing myself to be alone is putting a lot into perspective
Like the fact that maybe I don't love you as much as I believe
I am still figuring that one out
But I have found myself on more than one occasion thinking about you
And when you do cross my mind I am reminded that you are not always on it the way you once were
I have been going on without you and I am doing fine
Sometimes it is harder than others but overall I have been better and I am getting better without you
I am doing good alone
Maybe we won't be together again.
Or maybe this is a temporary feeling.

Time.

There are land mines under your skin
is that the reason you won't let me in?
Fully, I mean; there's parts that I've seen
But you've built a wall, it's tough and it's tall
and I doubt you'd know how to break through at all.
Even if you tried to climb, you'd probably fall.
How many bridges can two people share?
You burn them all down and leave me to repair.
You should try to approach a bridge that we've built,
take my hand and cross it, without giving me guilt.
I'd travel across waters with you
on the bet that maybe someday you'd be true.
Do you not see what you've put me through?
This wall I've torn down to get closer to you?
At any moment you're destined to blow
Your current grabs me, I'm stuck in the undertow

I swear that I have purpose
I promise there is passion,
inside my eyes, within my mind..
I'm built for many fashions.
I just need motivation
I know there's dedication
inside my heart, it's time to start
living my inspirations.

And I feel beautiful.

And I feel alone.

And I feel calm.

And I feel whole.

Cheers.

I'm hard to get ahold of but don't know the reason
I thought it would disappear like the summer
I wish I'd change with the season
Keep telling myself I'll get better in time
But with this much faith in the future
nothing will ever be fine

I tend to notice patterns in human behavior
Why must I read people like ******* novels
Each page turned magnifies their intentions
But what are their truest intentions?
Combine the anxious doubt with potential
and I've got myself a recipe for destruction
I like it better when I'm all alone
I think with honesty, their thoughts are unknown.
Weighed down with questions of self worth
I'm better off thinking only of my own intentions
But if that's the case I should be more cautious
Taking a sly chance can be detrimental
when your romance is self-sacrificial
and all your friends seem temporary
*The quest for permanence becomes scary

I felt it on my skin
Goosebumps
as you brush your fingers along my body
with no specific pattern
we both know where you're going

Reactions minimum
I let you act on instinct
What do you do when there is no instruction?

Your palm presses against me
your fingers grasping tight
With a deep breath in I turn to you
Eyes locked
Lips locked

You press with your thumbs
So close
Tease me
Then look at me
I see it in your eyes
Desire for control
I want you to have me
Have me

You do

the taste of hummus and carrots reminds me of you
of our long weekend together
when we packed the cooler full of ice and beer and a few snacks
we pitched my dad's 7 foot tall tent, just the two of us
your chuckle was my sunrise as you sat outside with our neighbors, drinking at 9 in the morning and exchanging stories
not a worry in the world
you were the most important thing about that weekend
but it helped me discover my longing for independence..
it's a part of my nature. I thought I could do it; be with and without you. But I spread myself too thin
and I'm afraid I didn't think that harm might happen again
I was consumed
I was diluted
I was cruel and you were rooted in us
There was trust
I ****** up, soiled everything and left you in the dust

i didn't appreciate that weekend at the time
but in retrospect
it is everything i want
experiencing with you
side by side
our own perspectives of the subjective
flirting with forever, yet never letting the word leave our lips...
magic
you planted your seed in my mind and my heart
i need you to keep watering it
together we could grow enormous and strong
i love you

Is it completely crazy for me to want to date other people so I can mess things up, put the pieces back together and learn from it? I want the combination of experiences to teach me how to love you selflessly, better than ever before, so it won't be your heart that aches once more.

Got him hung up on me
He's a noose, I'm the tree
I hung up on him
He'll no longer win

Says he's thinking of me
Conversations are empty
That's nice, think twice
and don't ever speak my name
We both know you're to blame

Telling me not to be mean
Saying it's not who I am
But I know you're just a fiend
Not worth giving another chance
You've got blood on your hands

I washed mine long ago
No longer waiting in limbo
...It feels good to take control

So next time you think of me and the ways you ****** up
Know that I'm fine and you've ran out of luck

I laugh at the boys with their falsified intentions
The only thing I do is steal his attention
I must appear a bit too naive
I falsely wear my heart on my sleeve
with my sleeves rolled up so he can see my "heart"
he'll trust me with his, open up from the start
Only to crash, diving head first into me
I'm draining the water while you float in the sea

You wish to have your cake and eat it too
If it were up to me I would be with you
Spend my nights not out at the bars
But under your covers with you in my arms
You like to know of everything I do
That'd be fine with me if it were fine with you
But your way of thinking is "don't ask, don't tell"
You act as if I haven't treated you well
I deserve to be treated with much more respect
I give it to you, you think you're perfect
Out of you and I, who's the one who can't trust?
You can't tell the difference between love and lust

You define 'pretentious'
by painting a vivid picture,
with not just your words,
but harsh brush strokes,
violently swinging back and forth,
parallel to the melodrama that is
your mood swings and your lack of self worth,
which forces your internal disputes outward at increasing speeds.
They won't like me.

I say, *You're too worried.

We don't have much in common
That's part of what's intriguing
Mascara's running down my cheeks
My insides must be bleeding
You tell me that I'm perfect
You think that I am worth it
But you don't see the other me
The one that hides inside
Behind closed doors
Under floorboards
It lingers there like flies
And yeah I may get guys
But they all tell me lies
And honestly I'm probably better off that way
Because I'm really just a ****** up girl
with a different reality
But you're just as ****** up as me
I love you unconditionally
So please stay
even if you're not happy
One day
You'll make it, you'll have it.

everything's changing*

and i need to be happy

Wasted days
Wasted nights
I'll get it together
I won't waste my life

I love nostalgia
it makes me cry
Thinking of those good times
when I used to feel alive
Never thought about what it would be like to die
I almost know how it feels to start losing a life
Shaving days off of mine without blinking an eye
You'd think I'd pull the trigger with all this talk of goodbyes
But I'll never fully grasp the concept of why

I just need a boost of confidence
Reinforcing my wishy-washy wishful thoughts
I promise you will never hear a boast,
I only brag when I am amongst my own
The type who understand why I like being alone
There is no pressure to be something
when you are able to justify your internal disputes
without a second thought,
compliments are not abused

We used to have a clear definition. Everything was easy. He slept on the left side of the bed. I had a toothbrush at his place and vice versa. I threw his out when he broke up with me. I think I did it for the symbolism. Mine is still in his bathroom. I think he just forgot it was there.

my heart is a roller coaster
an elevator and some bratty kid just pushed all the buttons at once
i dont even know which floor to get off
where was i going?

laughing
   the clanking of pots and pans
   squeaks of springs as bodies rise and fall
   full couches
   full lungs
   high ceilings
   white clouds climb the walls and hide in the far corners
   more laughter and I start to wonder what could be so funny
   these are lives
   beating hearts
   effortless inhales and exhales
   living for the sake of being alive
     and the hopes of good times

Home.
The settling feeling that even in the midst of a blizzard it is possible to be  centered, safe and satisfied.
You don't always need a fire to feel warm.
A mutual spark which ignites with the slightest glance.
I can see into your soul, and it makes me feel whole.
Let's keep things honest and leave the door slightly cracked,
so we know we're both here because we want to be.
If you want to leave, there's nothing stopping you.
But you stay. That's when you know everything is okay.

There are so many varying approaches to life
And you can find a journeyer of every sort here.

Some come through the back entrances down the dark alleys wearing trench coats lined with disappointment and desperation
Some waltz in through the glorious golden gates expecting champagne or at the very least someone in which the first name basis theory is not reciprocated
Some carry luggage heavier than themselves, hopeful of finding external muscles to lighten their load
And some travel light, carrying only expectations of an adventurous future and a strong dedication to their worn out soles (or should I say, souls?).

His heart is a ghost town
Everyone's a tourist
A visitor
They move in and unpack
Unknowingly awaiting eviction

Take a closer look and see
Shadows of what seemed to be
No real bodies live within
What seems so full is just bones and skin

Someone could be perfect for you
And you could be beautiful together

Someone could be your paradox
And make your blood boil

Someone could make you feel calm
And safe.

Someone could make you melt
With discomposure

But when weighing the pros and cons
None of this matters
Love chooses for us

You are the ocean
I am the waves
I am always aware
Always a part of you
I just don't always show myself
But if triggered
I will become an overwhelming, magnificent part of you
which changes your perspective of me
in such a way that you can't remember what it's like without me
Present but invisible
I can go from calm to crashing
sinking ships deep inside you
the same way you sink into me
the only difference is the abandoned souls and their carrier
will forever remain, whereas you and I will never be the same

I want to break you
The difference between this poem and others is
I am not referring to you

I want to break all of you:
Who smirk when I walk by
Who hate to see me cry
Who undress me with their eyes
Each and every guy

That way it will not be me
Who can't sit at home writing poetry
Without shedding tear after tear
Without loving year after year

So I wear my shield of "heart on sleeve..."
You'd run if you knew what was underneath

how could you leave me in the dark like this
i thought you'd never let me fall
your closed mind will never understand
you have to listen to it all
the ******* cowards all live and die the same
waste away saying they made a mistake
never grabbing the wheel to maintain

everything you ever were was fake

We can't figure it out
Let it figure itself out
Hope it figures itself out
Like a kid with no direction
No motivation but strive for perfection
The destination remains unclear
so we kick and scream until again we're here
Make up your mind and stop ******* with mine
'All we need is time'; the most ******* line
What happened to when all we needed was love?
*Those days have been murdered and sent up above

He's a Brooklyn baby, he's oh so shady
The stars in my eyes make his look so hazy
"You're amazing, you're amazing,"
I'm high and dry, it's hell he's raising
I was so blinded, I think I've gone crazy
Thought we'd have a shot, but he'd never chase me
Emotions run hot, the fire is blazing
He called all the shots, I'm begging, "Just hate me."
But he left me waiting..he just left me waiting
My blue eyes bolted, I've folded, parading
Good times make all the trouble start fading
So he chases the moon with a Staten Island lady
My stars won't die down, and he's just downgrading
With nothing left to save, there's no more debating
He's spiteful and yelling, but all that I say is..
It was fun while it lasted,
Good luck, Brooklyn baby

I want to trace an imaginary line across your skin
I wish to calm you
Feel your lungs fill and empty deeply
Calm is us
Your jawline pressing lightly into my palms
Brush my thumbprint over your cheekbone
I am captured by your gaze

Our souls slow dance in a dim lit room, but they see each other perfectly
And they are dancing in sync with no music
They need no external source of fuel to enhance the flame
The two entities rear a roaring fire on their own
One in the same
Two became one
No need for explanations
Second guessing doesn't exist
We get it

this turned out to be a day as horrible as the rest
just when i think life is good i get hit with another test
im a ******* loser who cant even maintain friends
without a thought in my head im cutting my loose ends
**** the fake ******* who call themselves genuine
I'd rather lose by myself than stick with them and win

ill keep a glass of wine next to my bed tonight
i havent eaten much today and it is very bitter
but its taste is sweet compared to the taste of defeat
i feel so defeated
my hair is getting so long and it helps me feel pretty
when i dont even want to look in the mirror
all that stares back at me is a disappointed face
wondering where i've run off to
but i dont know where i am or where ive been lately
ill shake my head no to the thought of finding myself
but that is just my lack of self speaking up
covering my mouth so i can't figure it out
soon enough ill push the hand away and be free.
soon enough ill have the courage to be me.

Sweaty palms, butterflies
I'm waiting, hoping I don't cry
I hear his voice, he sounds alive
A half-hearted smile is my disguise
A pair of shades to hide his eyes
We're indoors..he swears he's not high
I'm just glad that he swung by
To give me a chance to say goodbye

Or see you later, as he'd say,
Until he wants me again someday.

Like a broken record I'll tell you, I check in on you frequently
I've noticed less poetry lately and at first it concerned me
But I contemplated and it racked my brain
And I am now happy to find less of your works
Because you are always more inspired when you hurt
I wish I could read an infinite amount of words you've combined, explaining your love for me and how you hope it'd work out in time
I ache for your comfort through prose and poems, short and long
I long for your affection and it's hard to stay strong
But I am happy for you if you have moved on
I've still loved you dearly, clearly, all along

Long nights under bright lights
Internal fist fights
Will I be the one who shines tonight?
Can I call you mine tonight?
Heavy feet hit the ground
Speed it up or slow it down
Change the pace to win the race
Can you show me how?
Living fast and living large
It's my night but you took charge
I put my faith in your hands
You showed me life is far from bland

I am freezing
I didn't dry my hair and it is stiff
Almost as stiff as my lips as I try to maintain composure
But I can't seem to hold it

Short lived changes make for short lived lives
The only real change is within, reasons to justify
Everything you did to me, and now you want to return
But I shouldn't let you in, not unless you've truly learned

No matter the immensity of tragedy in my day to day
There is no ache harsher than your absence