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May 2014 · 292
Lonely Love.
Lonely nights, she waited but made sure she looked good
In case his plans could include a quick hello, or a nice drive
She sat in her doubt, slept with her loneliness, got drunk
on the idea of his presence and just how wonderful his eyes sparkled
when he swore he would rather lay with her confusion
than step foot in that life one more time, but he has to
Just once more. Just once. He has potential for permanence which he is blind to. Everything is a drug. Or at least has the opportunity
to get you high with the thought of exclusion, you and him. Him and I.
Inspired by a toxic relationship with a drug dealer who had quite a way with words.
May 2014 · 1.2k
Double Identity.
I want to pick your brain..
Lots would like to wander around your brain,
roam your ideas and such
But I am unlike the curious
Although I share the intensity and passion toward you as they do,
I'm finding you in a different place, a dark one none of them can identify
When it comes to you,
I fade away from the mainstream,
chisel through a rock enough to change route..
enough for a one way ticket down a one way path
My solo trip toward a never ending wrath
And since I already have the chisel
Like I said, I'd like to pick your brain
But in less of a poetic form, cut the metaphors sharply
Ironically, although you have intriguing moments,
I'd use an ice pick.
They all love you, but they don't know the 'you' that I know.
But I stick around...why? I know someone they don't. Both good and bad.
May 2014 · 918
Sick, sick, sick.
im more mentally ****** up than i ever say*
guilty guilty pleasures, pleasure's all i convey
a rush outside of my comfort zone
i mostly want to be all alone
all the time, tell me lies
turn me on, hypnotized
brainwashed by your disguise
getting off and getting high
bad boys lurk among the good
bad boys are misunderstood
Apr 2014 · 348
Untitled (I Am).
I just need a boost of confidence
Reinforcing my wishy-washy wishful thoughts
I promise you will never hear a boast,
I only brag when I am amongst my own
The type who understand why I like being alone
There is no pressure to be something
when you are able to justify your internal disputes
without a second thought,
compliments are not abused
Apr 2014 · 318
Vacant.
There are so many varying approaches to life
And you can find a journeyer of every sort here.

Some come through the back entrances down the dark alleys wearing trench coats lined with disappointment and desperation
Some waltz in through the glorious golden gates expecting champagne or at the very least someone in which the first name basis theory is not reciprocated
Some carry luggage heavier than themselves, hopeful of finding external muscles to lighten their load
And some travel light, carrying only expectations of an adventurous future and a strong dedication to their worn out soles (or should I say, souls?).
Apr 2014 · 305
Me.
Me.
I may smoke a lot of ****

But I know just what I need

I may lay in bed all day

But it's better than fading away

I may not focus on the future much

But weighing worth with stress is just a crutch
Apr 2014 · 587
Violent waves.
You are the ocean
I am the waves
I am always aware
Always a part of you
I just don't always show myself
But if triggered
I will become an overwhelming, magnificent part of you
which changes your perspective of me
in such a way that you can't remember what it's like without me
Present but invisible
I can go from calm to crashing
sinking ships deep inside you
the same way you sink into me
the only difference is the abandoned souls and their carrier
will forever remain, whereas you and I will never be the same
Apr 2014 · 465
Hiding.
I want more than anything to show you the words, both pleasant and cruel that your smiling heart has stamped into my mind, but I feel like a fool.
These words, which are only shared when my fingers feel stronger than my will, can show you everything that helps me get by, besides those awful pills.
If I one day find that my fears have subsided,  I'll discover a way to lead, opposed to being guided. If I lead I may find myself in a place of lingering conflict where I'll notice your intent, actions and the difference.
I like you better when you show me your heart, your idea of yourself shelters who you really are. Hopes high as mountains to obtain the reality, you've brainwashed yourself with a certain brutality.
Climb to the top, you feel the success. Now that you've made it, please take off my dress.
"That escalated quickly."
Apr 2014 · 919
Contentment.
How is full enjoyment expected
if every moment we are given
is not fully experienced?
We wish and wait for "better,"
but when we finally get there..
it's right back to the blueprints
to upgrade our definitions
of.. meaning.. of... interest.
I challenge you to see things
not through hopeful, fantastical eyes,
but for the proven presence obtained.
I challenge you
to make something out of nothing..Why not?
You make nothing out of something
every day.
We look right past all the beauty we are given..
and we do not earn this beauty. What a shame
that it is wasted on such careless creatures.
Maintain a sense of face value before your turn is over
and all you have collected from your stay
are wrinkles on your forehead
and a lack of words when confronted with the idea
that you've done nothing with your time.
Apr 2014 · 347
pm
pm
Everything feels different at night
Lonely yet creative
Sad yet optimistic
Tired...yet alive
Apr 2014 · 529
Covet
Finding little specks of black nail polish in her mouth,
she realized she had bad habits when she was nervous.
She spends most of her time getting high or watching ****—
which she soon realized was a deadly combination.
She's yet to find a genre of music which she feels fits her mood
when she feels anxious, hopeful, carefree and empty all at once,
forming another deadly combination. She can't seem to shake it.
Even more important, she's yet to find another soul which she feels compliments her vertically swinging inspirations.
Triggering thoughts of long car rides, classics, and guilty pleasures get her by if reflections of the past are found loitering rent-free among her highest expectations of becoming and the songs she can't stop humming.
Apr 2014 · 902
Etiquette.
The world is beautiful, but also sick,
And she's a product of her environment.

So don't place blame on the bright red lipstick,
Or the devious hand that's applying it.

Or the way that she gets, every once in a while,
How she steals his bleeding heart, then leaves with a smile.

If your eyes can't stay open, it could be dismissed
But ******* if they open in the middle of a kiss.
Don't hate the player, hate the game
Apr 2014 · 2.4k
Counterculture.
As humans we have a constant desire for "doing"
We are consumed by the idea of constant movement
Constantly itching for reason
Wondering just why our blood pumps through our veins
What we are truly meant to be
is simply defined, it is "to be"
nothing further, look no more
Living is beautiful,
but life's become a chore.
A beautiful, wonderful, constant bore
I'm sorry but I don't like this ride anymore
It spins and flips and throws us around
I don't like it now, please let me down
I'd rather continue a minimal state
Trust the creation, believe in my fate
Go only where I can wonder and wander
Speak only truths as I question and ponder
Simple love with no instructions
Instead of my mind suffering from abduction
Don't get me wrong, we'd cry if there's sorrow
But nobody lives in hopes of tomorrow
Apr 2014 · 341
All the same.
Pretty girls cry the heaviest tears

Nervous assumptions cause irrational fears

Stubborn boys and green-eyed girls

Wear out her heart like a string of pearls

Misinterpretations, false allegations

Turn to loneliness and self-fixations

If only they could see what her mirror captures

That's when they'd know she's just full of disaster

Confounding thoughts and obscure self doubt,

Honesty's a chore that will bore or leave out

But no matter how obscure her thoughts

Confessing's not the path she sought

She yearns for someone who understands

But recieves only null, help from cunning hands
Apr 2014 · 421
Internal Laugh Lines.
He won't let himself laugh
won't let himself laugh?
He says it shows weakness
*how weak does that make me?
Apr 2014 · 261
Warning.
I want to break you
The difference between this poem and others is
I am not referring to you

I want to break all of you:
Who smirk when I walk by
Who hate to see me cry
Who undress me with their eyes
Each and every guy

That way it will not be me
Who can't sit at home writing poetry
Without shedding tear after tear
Without loving year after year

So I wear my shield of "heart on sleeve..."
You'd run if you knew what was underneath
Apr 2014 · 265
Instinct.
I crave the curves of your arms, and how you graze my naked skin with your keen sense of touch.
But I'll treat this lust as a taboo to be sure I'm still withdrawn.

I want the luxury of you
gazing through, behind the fiery strands,
a beam of ire with sporadic desire. The utter spark
of elation burned up long ago, and now your eyes hold nothing but memories
of amity. Mine are weighed down
with dreaded speculations of tomorrow. But
the horror of tomorrow's plague does not yet rest on me.
In this moment the only vice I need is your skin against mine.
Apr 2014 · 1.4k
God, you're so handsome.
as your brows scrunch slightly
your lips pucker forward a little
but not quite enough to say "kiss me,"
and i'm nervous anyway, so it's better off that way.
why do you look away every time i try to look in your eyes?
you're laughing when i'm not sure what's funny
i'm intimidated. you're very intimidating.
there's no way this is a coincidence
you're sick.
Apr 2014 · 339
Silence
Silence says more than speaking.
"I love you," she says, he lays beside her
She moves her fidgety feet (which are quite small
compared to his) and wraps them around his,
sliding down his ankles with her cold toes
Interlocking calves like seaweed
wrapped into an underwater tumbleweed.
feeling the warmth
of the life she shares this moment with..
It is happening
And all she can think is
Does he see the beauty in this encounter?
Or does he filter with black and white corneas..
blind, with a lack of direction, complete ambivalence?

Some use words as a way of acceptance
Instead of the internal gateway the words should create
A path to a place of purity and understanding
They transform the vocal into a middle man
starting low, skipping the heart and exploding
Like lava from a volcano;

A hot and heavy start
Ends with a broken heart
Friends and friends again
Time should tell you when.
Apr 2014 · 309
C.O.S.M.
Somewhere between the best and the worst

Lana said it right, we put our love first

As I take it down and it fills me up

All I can think is This is love.

Brand new sights and mind expansion

Spinning around, high and dancing

With a temporary sense of euphoria

Comes the eye opening drag of hysteria

Desire and jealousy fuel my time

While half empty became a regular night

Lights and vibrations, my smile is bliss

Purely soul searching as I lean in to kiss

the top of the world and all the stars

They welcome me with open arms

to be a part of all they are
This poem is inspired by my first experience with MDMA, along with an unhealthy relationship I put too much effort into.
Apr 2014 · 626
Bigger.
I have dreams bigger than this town.
My ambitions are bigger than my actions here.
I know I'm supposed to follow my dreams.
But if I really go pursue them
Will those who encouraged the idea
turn their back on the reality?
Apr 2014 · 905
Gold.
Car wreck
Trainwreck
Smoking trainwreck
Then I homewreck
Like it's homework
Why's it have to be such hard work
Just to live a simple life
Just to live, not wonder why
Just to believe in the sky
It's strange what this means to me
I am floating heavily
Within these lines I am set free
To another galaxy
I'm like a switch
On off on off
Left right left right
Low high low high
I'd always comply
No longer will I blindly follow
No longer will I drown in sorrow
I now have a heavy understanding
This life's about learning and it's **** demanding
But what else do you have to do?
I might as well be on top of you
This is my quite respectful offer
Before you tell yourself 'I lost her'
But this is just about my body
I hope you don't intellectually want me
Not that I don't like your mind..it's just
you know that she would mind
For some reason I can't seem to find
The words to say you're not my kind
But this is just my high time worries
When I try to brainstorm and avoid the flurries
What I mean by brainstorm
is really feel your body warm
And to avoid the cold
Don't let your mind be sold
Whoever caves first will have to fold
And this already feels like gold.
This has a lot of combined meanings behind it.
I feel most creative when I'm lifted.
Apr 2014 · 350
Unconditional.
We don't have much in common
That's part of what's intriguing
Mascara's running down my cheeks
My insides must be bleeding
You tell me that I'm perfect
You think that I am worth it
But you don't see the other me
The one that hides inside
Behind closed doors
Under floorboards
It lingers there like flies
And yeah I may get guys
But they all tell me lies
And honestly I'm probably better off that way
Because I'm really just a ****** up girl
with a different reality
But you're just as ****** up as me
I love you unconditionally
So please stay
even if you're not happy
One day
You'll make it, you'll have it.
Apr 2014 · 305
Pure.
Dependence and loneliness
Texting to reminisce
Mentally guarded now
Feel so much smarter now
Giving in to you is the easy route
So I'll trade short term fun for an internal dispute
How could I turn back after all this time?
You want me, so I'm there on the drop of a dime
Not anymore, now I just need the cure
So I'll search high and low for something pure
To bring me to a new place
where I'm able to embrace
Exactly who I'm meant to be
Whether or not you disagree
It's finally my turn to steer
I'm getting over my fears.
Apr 2014 · 308
More more more.
I have high standards
I have high ***
Do you think it's bad manners
to sleep with an ex?
Apr 2014 · 136
Sound it out.
My poems are of you
I wonder if you knew
But just what would you do
If I wrote of someone new?

How would it make you feel
To read the words so real

"I'm moving on
now that you're gone.

I've said it plain as day."

Would you cringe at the sight?
Would you stay up at night?
To know my love for you
may fade away?

No, you would be fine.
It's me who's out of line.
But I'll get mine.
Mar 2014 · 220
Sad.
When you are sad
and don't know why
You make excuses
for why you cry
I didn't think I was that bad
but the pills aren't working
and all I want to do is lay in bed
I guess I am that bad
Mar 2014 · 107
Untitled
everything's changing*

and i need to be happy
Mar 2014 · 452
Downhill.
How can someone
as intellectually beautiful
as you
do something so entirely cruel
to make someone
as intellectually vulnerable
as me
see stars in your eyes
and float five feet above the ground
just to cover the stars with clouds
and reestablish the force of gravity
pulling my heart six feet under
shutting the door of opportunity
and locking the dead bolt

I love you and
I'm sorry
It kills me that you don't care anymore
But I know it's my fault
I lost the privilege of your heart
All I need is your warm embrace
But all you give is your cold shoulder
Mar 2014 · 589
Selfish.
I want to love myself
I need me more
than I need anyone else
for if I did not exist
I would not need anyone

I want to love myself
I want me more
than anyone else does
and if I do not want me
why would anyone else?

I want to love myself
so I can say
I love me more
than anyone else
for if I do not love myself
Why the hell would you?
Mar 2014 · 245
Touch.
I felt it on my skin
Goosebumps
as you brush your fingers along my body
with no specific pattern
we both know where you're going

Reactions minimum
I let you act on instinct
What do you do when there is no instruction?

Your palm presses against me
your fingers grasping tight
With a deep breath in I turn to you
Eyes locked
Lips locked

You press with your thumbs
So close
Tease me
Then look at me
I see it in your eyes
Desire for control
I want you to have me
Have me

You do
Mar 2014 · 264
Open Road.
Opened my eyes
Open road
I must have dreamt of you
Because upon awakening I felt close to you again
I passed some trees that remind me of our car rides
They were dancing merrily as I passed
Limb-like branches sprouting off in every direction
Waving their arms in the wind
A line of dancers
Eager to impress passerbys
Mar 2014 · 240
Notes.
I've grown accustom to rejecting attention
Reflecting interest and asking the questions
Control conversation so I don't give much away
I'll redirect the focus if it starts to stray
Our relationship is your contribution
This weekend you found your substitution
I guess I can't blame you for seeing her
I hate myself, that night's a blur
Though I prefer not remembering much
That Tuesday night, I remember your touch
Your aggressive eyes
My willing body
I was so surprised that you wanted me
You're the heaven that exists in this hell
The only secret I'm dying to tell
Our chemistry seems perfect to me
A mix of our toxicities
I'm the acid, you be the base
Meet me in the middle
Show me your face
Give me your taste
Give me your strength
I'll give you my everything
For you I'll change
Mar 2014 · 979
Sobriety?
My flask empties
My worry empties
My bowl empties
My boredom empties

My mind empties
My notebook fills
My heart pours out
My eyes sit still

With substance,
comes stimulus
With this,
comes my remiss
to anything and everything
but the taste of your kiss.
Mar 2014 · 350
Why?
Sweaty palms, butterflies
I'm waiting, hoping I don't cry
I hear his voice, he sounds alive
A half-hearted smile is my disguise
A pair of shades to hide his eyes
We're indoors..he swears he's not high
I'm just glad that he swung by
To give me a chance to say goodbye

Or see you later, as he'd say,
Until he wants me again someday.
Mar 2014 · 203
It's different this time.
Unexpected importance
he's all I think about

Genuine interest
I want to know everything

Influential passions
more than I've ever encountered

Honesty
I couldn't lie to him even if I wanted to

Determination
*I'd usually give up by now...
Mar 2014 · 176
Fall to Pieces.
Subconscious decisions

Blurred morality

There's a lacking somewhere

Why did I do it?

I'm on your side

We're both against me

Slamming the back of my head against the wall
sliding my body down until my face rests in my knees

I taste the salt as my cheekbones struggle to catch each dropping tear

"What the ****."

None of it makes sense.
All that makes sense to me

is us
"I don't want to talk about it, 'cause I'm in love with you."
Mar 2014 · 236
Palm trees.
Bodies move south
Heat rises
Frowns curl upward
Minds open
Mile after mile
We sleep
The music plays
I listen
Signs direct us
We follow
How much longer?
We're there.
Mar 2014 · 201
Starving Your Friends
"Thanks a lot. I’ve been disadvantaged from the start. You constrict the veins heading straight to my head. Re-routed the blood to my heart instead. I am brain dead, thinking strictly in blues and reds. Oh, I’m in enough trouble, man. Oh man, I’m in trouble again."

Why did I let it happen?

This is what I was scared of.

Not the exact situation but the emotion

I never thought it would be like this..

I was expecting an internal affair far too strong to share myself for long

I was weak

I am weak

"I know you think you know, but these eyelids are windows that shut you out from all the things that I don’t want you to know. And I refuse to tell you one single secret I own, ‘cause you’ll find I’m petrified of your eyes."

Your eyes tell such truths. Truths I sometimes can’t handle.

I look at you and know I’m wrong, and know you feel like crying

And all I can say is

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry…I don’t know where to go from here.
Mar 2014 · 240
Fear.
I’m falling for you

I don’t want to

I’m scared

Scared you won’t love me

for who I really am.

I’m scared nobody would love the real me if they saw it.

That’s why i don’t tell anyone what goes through my head

You’ll probably be over a thousand miles away by August anyway.

Maybe this was my way of saving myself from future heartbreak

We don’t talk about it, but I feel an unspoken tension

Casual relationship…or so I thought

I didn’t want to be the first to drop the bomb

So I guess I jumped on the grenade and blew myself to pieces

Pieces you don’t want to put back together

Why would you want to?

I’m not your problem. I tell you that all the time.

I’m so self destructive

I’m used to treating myself like ****

And other people treating me like ****

I don’t think I knew what to do when you came along

and you were nice to me.

You never fought with me. Never criticized me

You didn’t exactly support everything I did, but you did no harm to my mentality that I wasn’t already doing to myself.

I didn’t know what to do with someone who actually liked me

Even if it wasn’t genuine (you say it was)

It was the most genuine I’ve felt in a while
and thinking about the road

the empty bottles that always seemed to multiply beneath my feet

You with your sunglasses and a button-up..

You always look good.

You let me control the radio

I’d try to put on something I think you would like

Your hand on my thigh..I place mine on top, look at you

and smile (sometimes you catch me)

your nails short, knuckles rough

I brush my index finger across your hand..

tracing each finger carefully

our fingers intertwine

the same way our legs form around each other

like the roots of trees, tangled within one another

while we lay

Faces close, fingers gently touching

I could stare into those eyes all day

Glossy, secret worlds I want to enter

Worlds which no longer welcome me

At least for now...
Self destructive, but not self harming.

I took advantage, he’s so charming.

My comfort level hit a high,

My selfishness now makes me cry.

What the **** is wrong with me?

Stressed, depressed, anxiety.

I felt a lacking, I looked elsewhere

Disregarding, he doesn’t care.

Now the aches and pains are clear

But is it too late to have him near?
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
Closure vs. Second Chances
What do I do?

There’s something different.

Sad songs aren’t helping but I gravitate toward them like moths to flames.

Relatable.

Why aren’t the answers easy? I could use a lifeline.
Mar 2014 · 259
Hope.
When you hold the guilt all you do is wait.

Wait and hope

that you’ll eventually cross the mind with a sense of anything other than fury

Anger hides true emotion.

Hope is all I have

Hope that passion is channeled in a way that flushes the toxins that are anger from the body

The thought process is a beautiful thing.

But it can turn to destruction as fast as it is beauty

So I hope. It’s truly all I can do.

Days feel like weeks, hours like days.

Minutes like individual time stamps telling me I’m closer.

I just have to make it a little longer, I tell myself.

Just keep hoping, waiting, and whatever you do

Don’t **** up.

I won’t **** up.

Not again.

But once the anger is gone

I’m afraid of what may come next.
Mar 2014 · 400
Feeling.
I’m wearing your flannel. It’s the closest I can have to you tonight.

My pillow still smells like you. I have a love/hate relationship with that fact.

I’ll probably lay awake tonight, picturing your body

so beautifully laid out on your bed

As if it were a painting

Starting with your face..

each freckle drawn so particularly

almost specifically

to further my regret

to long for the accuracy that is

you

Your pupils… so precise. So large and meaningful

tell me exactly what you are afraid to

Your chest and arms

Sculpted as if they were made for my hands

to touch

to grab

to hold

to feel anything at all

Do you feel anything?

Your bedroom, with the lights off.. so we can only make out each other’s shapes and shadows

with the help of the moonlight

shining through your glorious front windows.

I love gazing out those windows.. watching your horses live.. so freely

Freely within the rules. But they don’t need to live outside the rules, they are committed to this fencing and this grass and these people

You promised you would take me to ride them some day. It’s okay.. I broke a promise too.

— The End —