I do not want to go sleep alone in my bed and
yes
I realize that my
sister sleeps
there but she is not
strong arms holding me.
I heard his voice tonight and he called her baby. And I don't want to be someone's baby. But I would love to be his.
I hate myself for missing him but he s stuck to me like that Lego piece was stuck to Emmet in the movie.
Except I don't think I want to be
the special

My tears are streaming down to my knees and I am screaming into my blanket covered fist and I want my friend to come out of his room and I want to hug him and say I am not okay I am not okay.
What am I to do when my heart is braking because I cannot make it whole and I'm hungry and I miss you and I hate hate hate hate myself because how fun led up must I be to want you back in my life and how terrible am I that when she talks about "almost killing" herself I just want to scream do it and I DO NOT want to be alone and how brave would I be to knock on his door or to text him and then what. I am no good at beginnings. But dude. I'm at a expert at endings.
I am an expert at a endings.

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

My eyes are probably red
I was crying earlier

I have been missing you and I'm still in love with you. I am so scared and I wish I could just talk to you one more time. I wish I could just kiss you and let the world end around us. I wish that you weren't bad for me and I wish that you loved me back. I don't think you're capable of love but I like to think that if you were then you would love me. I haven't seen you in months but I feel you every time I think of what we were. I thought I saw you the other night at work and I almost had a panic attack and I am so tired of missing you.
Did you know that when you lose a limb you still feel it? That your no longer there arm still hurts and you still reach for things with something that is no longer there. Its a necessary thing, losing that limb, but you want it back because living without it hurts so much more than all the pain it caused you when you still had it.

That's what it feels like to miss you.

I guess what I mean is I love you and I want you back in my arms but please please please don't ever come back.

How can something so bad, be so good. Your touch, your smell, your kiss, electrifies my soul. The thought of you grabbing my hair, and grabbing my heart makes me ache. "You're no good for me" I constantly tell myself. "We're nothing, and never will be" I remind myself. "You never cared, you're all wrong for me" I can hear my conscious screaming. Everything in the world is urging me to stay away, but every beam in my body is telling me to go closer. Why are we so wrong, but why are we so right?

I feel like I'm drowning
and I
don't know where my
anchor
is
because every time I think I
see it
it pulls someone else up to
shore.