Isn't it
funny
how you can be okay, eating your slightly ****** but still good dinner and watching the fosters, and then suddenly
just not okay.
My mom left again. A few days ago.
But it hits me
tonight.
Growing up dad leaves and mom leaves and sometimes I left myself.
And then friends go and boyfriends go and your almost 19 wondering why no one in the world is hearing you.

Im screaming STAY
I'm screaming I need a friend
A hug
A hope.
And is it a wonder then
that I never believe when people tell me they won't go.
That I shove them away.
That my voice says don't stay while
my heart knows
that the opposites all I've
ever wanted

I sometimes get angry
because
I have
a clinical case of
loneliness.

Its the nights where
I have
to surround myself with
three blankets and mountainous pillows
so as not to feel empty.

Its the morning when I
wake up and the boy from my dreams is
gone.

Its when I feel stuck
isolated
on an island with no one and no
way out.

But my "mom"
tells me I am lucky
and I am
brave. I am only
18 and yet I have felt more lonely than
many people ever will.

One day
when I am surrounded by
family
all I will feel is so so so so so
much happiness.

You see.
Everybody feels lonely, but if you're
lucky. Like me.
You also know how to
deal with it.

I just got back from vacation and I was sad. Yes sad to be home but when I got into town and saw the lights from the fair I thought maybe this won't be so bad.

And I said goodbye to my friend and her mom and my sister and I put my bags on my shoulders and my purse on my neck and I said love you love you love you. I didn't cry.

And I saw my friend. The one I almost like that I live with. He didn't ask how it was. He said hi or something. One word. And I went to the shower.

And I am laying down and the loneliness is hitting me and I still haven't technically cried. No. Now its starting and I'm crying and there is poetry and music but I am lonely.

Already. Not even an hour. I want to go back. I want it to rain. I want him to knock on my door and say hey want to hang out and I want more people to like me. Vacation liked me yet real life does not.

And I might have thought
that
he felt about me the way i feel about
him.
But I am tired and all too
frightened.
Instead, we watch scary movie 5.
I notice
every time
he looks at me and
imagine that its more than
simply
friends.

I am so sad tonight.
I read something that said whenever someone dies their sadness is transferred.
I think that's *******.
I do not know if I am strong enough for this life. Its not a suicide threat. Simply a fact. I will not end my life but that doesn't mean I will live it.

I want to be
making love in the moonlight, gasping for air
dancing until the heat from your body overtakes the space between us filling me up so that I cannot breathe
smoking a joint and drinking a beer and talking about how it gets better
driving so fast with the music so loud that there is no before or after but only now

I am nights spent feeling the moon and craving the sun

I am cannot feel my tounge because I burn it from all the coffee drinking

I am adult swim and haha robot chicken is funny and I'll tumble on tumblr during the commercial

I am singing off key to music that speaks of love and dreams of places I haven't yet been to

I am not alcohol not tonight because I am lonely and afraid of what I might do to my friend. Kiss the girl is what the little mermaid said.

I am tears running away from my eyes and wow isn't that poem beautiful. I just want mine to be beautiful.

I am too long and I don't know when to stop once I start and i should go to sleep but there are crickets singing along and coffee to be drunk and poetry to read and people to love and hate and the sun will rise soon.

The soon will rise soon

Raise your glass.

This is for the man
Who taught me how to ride a bike
When I was five years old,
Who taught me how to lay a brick
Wall with my own two hands,
Who taught me how to love
My heritage and my roots
While embracing change and newness.

Raise your glass.

This is for the woman
Who carried me for nine months
Whilst giving me my love of steak,
Who read stories of imaginable fantasy
And sang crackling fireside songs
To lull me into slumber,
Who taught me to Love
Even when she herself had forgotten how.

Raise your glass.

This is for the women
Who know me better than anyone else
For they have grown with me
In ways only siblings can,
Who taught me to fight for myself
And simultaneously be merciful
For I am not a perfect person,
Who gave me all the love I need
And then some simply because
They wanted to.

Raise your glass.

This is for who we were.
This is for who we are.
This is for who we will be.

Raise your glass.

Some blood is thinner than water.
Some ties more easily severed.
Yet we live because they existed
If even but for a single moment
And for that,
We give tribute.

Drink.