the rain reminds me of the lights you said you could see from your window at night
i distinctly remember thinking
this is all ill ever be
this is the best ill ever get

and everything is wrong
and everything I say is a lie
But i don't think ill live that long

i don't want to fight anymore
the orange light is reminding me that
ill never go home
and my feet are cold and sore

im tactful im resourceful
and ill shut my eyes when i need to

IVE RESORTED TO WRITING WORDS I DONT BELIEVE
IN ORDER TO EVENTUALLY BELIEVE THEM

IVE REREAD EVERY FORTUNE COOKIE UNTIL MY EYES BLED
AND THERES A PERMANENT DENT IN MY PHONE
FROM THE AMOUNTS OF TIMES IVE PRESSED REPLAY ON MY "HAPPY" PLAYLIST

WHEN I TELL MYSELF ILL BE 100% OK
I HONESTLY DONT BELIEVE A WORD I SAY
BUT ISNT IT BETTER TO WISH FOR THE BEST
EVEN IF YOURE CERTAIN THE WORST WILL OCCUR

THE SMILE I GAVE YOU WHEN YOU INSULTED ME
MAY HAVE BEEN FAKE
BUT FAKE FEELS SO MUCH BETTER THEN BEING BITTER

it's taken a while for me to realize that
im not as deep as i seem
im a poser, a fake if you will
im pretentious and i gloat and spew garbage just like the rest of us
and i know i can be so much better

i know im not taking care of myself as best i should
and honestly, i know it doesn't all go uphill from here
it's rocky and treacherous
it's down, up, and down again
it's getting up and dusting yourself off

i ******* up
ive gotten bad again

but this turn in the cycle won't stop me
i can't change the weather
but i can alter the atmosphere

we are all wanderers,
climbing this rocky mountain
it's never-ending and there's no peak
but if you tilt your head and change your perspective
it all gets a bit smoother  

let me tell you again kid,
you're not as deep as you think you are
and you're not as sad as you think you are

rock bottom is not a fun place to be
you can't control your battles
but you sure as hell can fight

wow
we really need to stop meeting like this -
- in the back of my mind, you strewn across the hardwood floor, me, watching you.
there is so much you'd rather be doing, but ive got one foot on your neck
and the other on the keys

we're never getting out
it's just you and me and the four walls that bind us

i keep going back here, with you again
and everytime i get out im left drenched with guilt

it's funny how i declare how much I want to start living
when im killing myself in the process

it's unintentional though, but i guess that's the equivalent of me saying
"i can stop whenever i want"
i can't
and if the devil is controlling these motives
***** him !!

ive lived in this home for too long to be witty and edgy and declare that
i wanna go to hell!!

i don't
but hell is this feeling, it's guilty
it's you and you know it

leave me alone for like, 30 days
then come back to haunt me again

there's a time and a place for thoughts
this isn't.
im figuring it out, disregarding the things that hinder me
this may be a dream,
and you'll never understand my fears
but guilt is terrifying (it all is)

im pushing the negative out of my head
(trying)
and filling it with flowers that bloom into heart palpitations and shaky breathes

i know this doesn't rhyme, i know you hate it
and won't you just admit it?
that YOU DONT CARE?!
because you don't
and neither do i

i hope you never leave me hanging
i hope my relatives never expect me to call back
i won't

im not scared when im with you though,
but im not in love
because God knows im scared shitless of that

you don't get why im scared of my thoughts
falling into the wrong hands
im scared of getting old
but yet excited to get there
its exhausting

im not as soft as you think i am
im hard and loud and frankly
im terrified
im always either too much
or not enough

and this sounds bitter.
which says a lot doesn't it?
shouldn't it?
im working on it, ok?
im losing my mind over this.

i am my favorite song
i am rhythms and patterns, strategically placed
i am mezzo-piano
i am fortissimo

I am dynamics and crescendo
i am all the words i don't know

i am the sound of my guitar
with the "phaser" **** turned up

i will be amplified, i will be loud
and looped
and manic.

im the noise you can't get out of your head
i am sound
i am a whisper and a shout
perfectly blended

i am velocity
i am the build-up
and then the drop

i am the echo in a dark room
i am my favorite song.

i am slowly improving, growing, and learning to breathe
times are tough
but i am tougher
it's taken me years to realize
that i don't have to be good
I just have to be better than i was before

this is stretching, flying, drifting.
i am no longer dwelling
and when i am
it's fading

this is failing, wiping, closing.
this is shutting my eyes
and breathing
for once in my life

this isn't dwelling
this is living

this is me
trying