It's too late
They said as her petite frame
Spiraled then plummeted into the sea.
She's already ascended like a dove,
They felt no need to hesitate
At proclaiming the unfortunate's fate.

Always quick to hate
What they cannot annotate
Yet so eager to love
The greatest of us
Reborn from our ashes.

She took the leap
Not to cease
But to breathe -
Through airborne lungs
To see-
The greatest moments ignite
To fuse-
With an infinite moment in time
In one fleeting hope:
After the waves
Drew her lifeless limbs away,
After she slept
On the ocean bed,
Her words might eminently thrive
Though no one heard while her lips held life,
Their once-deaf ears would at last listen
To a phantom's composition.

I couldn't take one second more
Of your four letter words
Directed to every single person I love.
I couldn't take your confessions of regret
For not already leaving my father in the dust.
All else I could handle:
The regrets of my existence
(I did provoke it)
The mistake-infested upbringing of my sister
(I can admit it)
I could bear all else but the split
Of a sacred promise
Between one man and one woman.

So it didn't take much to slam the door your in face.
It didn't take much to run in the pouring rain.
It didn't hurt much to press bare feet on solid ground.
Because any real pain I felt, I was sprinting away from.

The skies' tears mingled with mine
No clear difference to the cars passing by.

For first time in my little life,
The stars simultaneously align;
Crashing before they combine.
With every yard I push further away from you,
Unraveling the truth-
I still love you.
Even as I slide down against the oak's trunk,
To fall in a puddle of mud,
Even as all those lies we used so cleverly as knives
Press against the darkness that invades my heart-
I still love you.
Even as the abyss unfolds in my stomach,
And fury whirls inside my mind-
I still love you.

As the familiar hum of an engine grows near,
Hurriedly a car door opens before me,
And a hug wraps itself around my limp frame,
I uncover that-
*You still love me too.

Coffee at midnight on a Saturday
Just to feel alive
Tear stains on every journal page
To stir the beast inside
Slit wrists and wool sweaters
To conceal the pain
Sound cancelling headphones
To absorb the screams of other lost souls
And block those coming from the next room.

~

The shatter of another glass
The slump of another body
The slam of another door
The silence of a mangled home
That once was filled happiness
Now overwhelmed by emptiness
Though life forms still remain
There lies nothing but dust and decay.

~

"It's a sign,"
They whisper as she shuffles by
"It's a sign,"
Before long, you'll see her in the headlines
As the girl who never lived
But formally died today;
Defeated by lost love and bitter hate.

Which is worse?
The permanent wonderment
With what could've unfolded
Or the brokenness of what was
For a flash of an instant?

I wanted those lanky limbs of yours
Wrapped around my heart
And they almost were-
In the silence you cupped my face
With solemnity and questions in your dark eyes
I almost let that inquisition tip of over
Unto my lips
Before reason washed over,
Calming my goosebumps
Pushing away the rashness of our meeting
With hesitancy, your answer eased its way out-
"Not yet."

Not ever, so it seems.
Because the third grade boy, left on the playground
Only grew taller.
Not braver.
He still can't leap
Without the fear of falling,
Controlling.

But dear little boy,
Not all falling
Hurts.
And sometimes
It's worth
The pain.

This is the dangerous part-
When the dark shadows withdraw
To the deepest recesses of my mind
And I forget why I bid "adieu"
To you.

This is when the bruises
Fade.
The blood stains
Wash away.
The heart ache
Delays.

And the mirage begins.
The paradise pressed against my parchment skin
And dehydrated lips-
So tantalizingly sweet
So pure and pristine
As it slips down my callused throat
Though they say
arsenic tastes the same.

She told me you worked at space camp now.
That must be fun, right?
I can see you sprinting through
In a bright blue flight suit
A kid attached to every ligament
You breathless, with an enormous grin.
You'd mention being overweight
And I would hit you playfully across the arm
Deny it like Peter denied Christ
Three times.

She told me you met a new girl.
Showed me a picture too.
She has dainty red curls.
I guess you meant it;
You do have a thing for red heads.

They say you met her at the Lego station
In Books A Million.
I can envision you stumbling upon her
Smashing a Death Star into an Ebon Hawk
And you would admirably gawk
At this childlike beauty.
Next thing you know
You would be prancing away
With a little piece of paper in your pocket
And a confident smirk on your face.

~

A sixteen year old girl can only conceive
Ideological fantasies
But a nineteen year old boy kept them company
Beneath the pillow of her dreams.

Though the first to stir from Make-Believe
Is cursed as the first one to leave.

Even as a child
I stared desperately at the darkened ceiling
Their snores and sighs my only lullabies.
And I would witness the misty dew
Clear the horizon at the gale's morning song.

I covered my tracks as I left
Yet I swear I heard your heart wrench
In your stupor.

~

The cursor blinks incessantly
On the blank page of a perfectionist
The only words satisfying
Are born not from my lips
But of an Irish mother-
Or perhaps a lover-
Long ago:

*May the road rise up to lead you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face,
And the rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God keep you in the palm of His hand.