it's about 1 am and i know i should be asleep because i am meeting you tomorrow morning for breakfast. i don't know if you'll ever read this. maybe you will one day, but for now, at this moment, it's somewhat of a journal entry. i love you. i have never loved anyone like i love you. it is both terrifying and wonderful. (**** now i am crying). from the moment i met you i knew you were someone special. i can't quite describe it but i had a feeling in my chest when we first met. i love you so much. i love your freckles. i love your laugh and your smile. i love your voice. i love the way you can always tell if i'm upset. i love that you hate onions. i love that you try vegan food with me. i love that you're honest. you're a good man. you have a strong heart. you're smart. you're trustworthy. i love that you wear that plaid shirt because you always look amazing in it. i love that you yell at people outside on the road. i love that you randomly have turtles. i love that you keep your stuffed animals. i love how you smell. i love how you're still a kid at heart, but you're a man when you need to be.  the first time we had ***, i cried because i knew i liked you and i thought i would tarnish what we had going. i was so, so wrong. i consider that time the first time i ever truly had *** because i wanted to so badly and i wanted to look at your face while we did it because i wasn't so afraid. that was the first time i truly enjoyed it. that was the first time i felt something special. i didn't have to close my eyes and i didn't regret it. i won't ever regret it. even now i'm more than glad it happened. i love your house too. i tend to tie people to locations. your house is one of comfort. i find complete peace laying in your bed, listening to your breath. i love how you bite your nails. i love how your hands feel, whether they're holding mine or your fingers are in my mouth. all i want to do all day is be with you. whether we're sleeping or ******* or watching movies or driving around.

i ******* hate fate. what we have is something so golden. i never thought i would experience something like this. before i met you, i assumed i would grow heartless and be doomed to never loving someone. thank you for opening my heart up. i still don't understand why this beautiful thing we have had to blossom at this time, but i am sure there is a reason. we'll just have to figure it out i guess.

thank you for everything. for the late nights talking and driving and eating fries and ******* in risky places and hugging each other when we're sad and napping and cooking potatoes after work and going to prom and playing with puppies and throwing salami and messing around in cars and telling each other secrets, and most of all, thank you for showing me what love really is. i love you. i will always remember you no matter what happens.

One of the fondest memories I have of us happened somewhat recently. The night we spent together in a hotel room, about 7 AM. You came back from the bathroom and I don't know if you knew I was asleep, but you wrapped your arms around me and I had never felt so comfortable. Your actions speak so loudly to me and because of them I know you love me. From when every-time I would cry, you would be there to comfort me. From when I didn't answer your many calls and you showed up to my house. From making sure that when we went out to eat, I had something I could eat. From that night in the hotel when you curled up into me. It's the little things you do that prove those three words.

You've changed me. I now know to speak up when I have a problem instead of wait for you to get a hint. I know not to over-analyze text messages. I now take chances because if it involves you, it's worth it to me.

I love you so much. I want to wake up next to you again. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes, but it's more than worth all the pain.

In all the craziness of life, in all the haze that comes with sobbing people and cruelty, there comes a home.
This home is not a structure. There is no wood, no carpet, no windows.
Instead, the walls are flesh and the bathtubs ooze blood.
When you are near this home, vines erupt from the ground and tie you down, keeping you in the present.
You know that even if you lost them, you would be eternally grateful to have known them. To have walked through their halls, knocked on their door, and slept in their bed.
They feel like they belong in your arms. You want to keep them clean, safe from burglars, and broken windows. If something breaks, you would get on your hands and knees to clean it.
I found home. I pray to god I do not lose this home.

i always forgive you, even when you shatter my heart
i don't know why i do, but it's so easy for me to do so.
i love you but you hurt me so hard.

i thought i was the love of your life, so why do you push to be with her?
my heart gets forgotten when it comes to her,
but i forgive you for it.

i don't know if you hurt me and you know it,
or maybe you have no clue,
but the bruises i have from you, i cherish.
i see them as love marks,
although sometimes i see them as painful reminders of how weak i am.

My life is like a piece of cake.
Some parts are better than others and I eat it, bit by bit. Slowly.
Some parts I have to choke down, others I inhale willingly.
They never told me that you meet people you want to share your cake with, but they taste it, then decide it doesn't taste good.
Then you meet someone who tastes it, and decides to stay. They stay through the nasty moldy parts, and gag on it with you. They stay when the frosting is sweet and the cake is moist.
You tasted my cake for so long and you've stayed through the rotten parts and through the goods.
You wiped my tears when I found bits of glass embedded in my bite and swallowed them.
When I was worried about my cake becoming rotten and you leaving me, you held me and eased my worries.
When my cake was sweet and fluffy, we ate it with absolute joy.

we never speak about it
it just happens while we lay beneath the sheets
one hand moves to my hips, gripping me close to his, pressing himself against me
and then our clothes are off, and his lips explore my body, eyes focused and calm
mine are wide like the hesitant deer I am, my mouth open in a perfect little circle, noises releasing like smoke into the air
his moans are like music to me, but he is so quiet and his walls are built so high that it is impossible to break

i want to talk about it. i want to hear about his day and his mood, but i suppose his head between my legs will have to do.

drowning in a sea of stars and lavender

you fill my head with dreams of forests and our feet on ice

    you text me at 2 am and I pray I am the first thing on your mind

but I'm trying not to let my red string get knotted up in your fingers

   that you play so carefully with

It's a constant occurrence.

My skin stretches so tightly against my flesh that I want to peel it off like the skin of a green apple.

I want to inhale it all, but I stop myself. It might taste good at the start, but by the end I am vomiting and crying. The sugar is too much and it burns my organs. It pumps through my veins, mingling with my blood. Now my insides are jelly made with sugar and blood.

I want this to end, but I signed that contract 4 years ago. I'm not allowed to leave.

i want you to want me so badly that you pull over to the side of the road because you can't wait any longer. i want you to tear my clothes off, kiss every inch of my body, leave marks only you can see. i want you to bite my inner thighs, tease me until i am begging. i want you to **** me as hard as you can. i want you to spank me so hard that i'm red. pull my hair. yank it like i'm a dog on a leash. i want you to choke me, remind me that you own me. bite my collarbones. kiss me neck. slip your fingers in my mouth. i want you to crave me so hard that you don't wait for a bed. grip my hips so hard that there are bruises. and when you leave, i want to be reminded that you were here.

There are different kinds of worship in this world.
Sacrificing of animals, kneeling to a God every Sunday, fasting.
I want to worship you.
Not only through bare skin, but through love.
I dream of worshiping you in the morning, curled against your back, lips grazing your spine.
I dream of worshipping you through a warm cup of coffee in the morning, a breakfast of pancakes and whipped cream.
I want to worship you through your head on my chest, falling asleep.
I want to worship you through every aspect possible, any way you want.
Whether it's me, my wrists bound in black ribbons, or it's me on my knees, or it's feeding you. Anything for you.

I never thought it would come to this. My whole life I have spent pleasing others in an attempt to gain their approval. You, however, I know would still smile at me even if I slit your throat and watched the blood run down your skin.

Nobody has ever seen me like you do. To you, I am a goddess, bathed in buttery light. I am ethereal as I writhe beneath you. But in my eyes I am nothing and I cannot understand how you see me with petal blinding you.

For a while, I didn't want you. You were too nice and I like my men to toss me away. But now I feel something odd. I worry if I hurt you in any way. I'm not sure if I've fallen for you, but there is something in me that wants to shelter you from the world.