Cain Arkay Lazarus

Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2014

i don't believe that man has received any medical training

With surgical precision
And steady hands
(But only if I imagine you guiding them)
I make the first incision
Slowly and carefully
(The way I feel I must choose my words-
God I could never hurt you)
A straight, deep canyon and another across
Quickly cauterized to prevent any more
Blood

Loss

Sharp curves, applied pressure over the artery
And the cancer is out
This
Lump the size of my closed fist
This
Tumor lies uselessly on the sterile table
Discarded

A needle and thread are produced
And I am sewn back together

My throat ablaze from screaming

But it's out
it's gone
I am whole again

Yet

Why do I feel like there's this great hole in my chest?

#love #pain #heartache

Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2014

i don't think i'm doing this right

You are cracking my mind
Dashing it against her collarbones and cheap sunglasses
The hardest things about her
You are are cutting my heart
Pressing it against her shoulder blades and elbows
The sharpest things about her
She is light and soft
And could break me if I'm not careful
And I want her to
To break me apart again and again
I never asked You for much
I don't know if You're even out there
But if You are
She's all I want

#love #religion

Cain Arkay Lazarus Apr 2014

immovable/unstoppable

I looked at you
And thought about my favorite movie

What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object?

I looked at you

The light at the end of the tunnel
The break in the storm
The breath of air I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you

And thought about my favorite movie

But time passed and I realized
You were the light at the end of the tunnel
A train
The break in the storm
The eye
The breath I wanted to coax from your lungs into mine so I could get high off you
Was toxic

So how do I forget thee?
Let me count the ways.
I forget thee when I inhale smoke
Push you out of my lungs to make room for green oblivion
I forget thee when I exhale hunger
Push you out of my heart to make room for orange growls
I forget thee when I inhale exhaustion
Push you out of my head to make room for blue pills
I forget thee when I exhale fire
Push you out of my throat to make room for grey death

And now I can't look at you
Because I'm afraid the next time you look into my eyes you'll see that I've cracked
That I can't understand
That I can't get you out of my eyes

#love

Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2014

a kite and a key

We pose for a photo
Your hand
On the small of my back
Smile, click, flash,
And you forge a path down and away
And I am wide wide awake
We pose for a photo
Your hand
On my arm
Smile, click, flash,
And you trace your fingers down and away
And I am wide wide awake
These shocks you give me
Could power Tokyo
But they're all mine
And I can only stand and be electrocuted by your little touches
While you find energy elsewhere
I need you like an artificial heart needs a charge
You need me like a light switch in a thunderstorm

#love #lust #unrequited #electricity

Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2014

Earth Shattering

My maps of the world are falling off the walls
And my vanilla scented candle is flickering out
Making bird shadows on my ceiling
And bat shadows on the floor
My bowl is empty
My core is rotting
The flowers are bursting into bloom
And the clouds just keep washing up against my prescription shore
Crashing up against the vitamin rocks
Eventually they'll wear down the doctor's dams
My hurricane girl will whirl around me and I'll drown

#depression

Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2014

wires

Last night I dreamed the world was ending
Screams of fear only broke the glass that kept our lives together
Everyone was falling through the sky into nothing
It was a beautiful day
And I reached for you
Even though it was all over for us
I needed you still
I couldn't quite stretch
Far enough before the sky cracked
And we were falling
And my tears dried in the wind
And you were smiling
Telling me even now
That it was going to be okay

Cain Arkay Lazarus Mar 2014

Beads

There's paint under my nails
And no matter how hot the water is
I can't wash you off
I watch the raindrops slide down your leather jacket
And smear your make up
Because it's jealous
That you're still radiant
Even now I'm not sure why I want you
All I know is that it's raining
And you're soft
And my mask is slipping

#love #lust #rain #unrequited