Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
Bella Feb 2015
I want to explain the two a.m panic attacks, 
and the two five-thirty sudden stillness
 coupled with internal screams of suicide,
 and the three-twenty-three nightmares 
that are eating me 
If I laugh louder than everyone in the room,
 I must be happier, too.
Bella Feb 2015
maybe you spent too many days in the woods where the quiet lives maybe you never really got along with humans maybe you felt too many branches growing apart inside of you because your skin never sat right on your limbs and with tiny little silver saws you cut yourself open trying to find the pretty amber parts everyone said they saw but in the end it was just red sap and ants and rot and nothing more at all.
Bella Feb 2015
i. arachnophobia; fear of spiders. more common in females than males, why at night you choke on the idea of her fingers on him, long and thin.

ii. ophidiophobia; fear of snakes, fear of being crushed alive by commitment, why in the mornings you never left your number, why you don’t call her back, why you regretted it later.

iii. acrophobia; fear of heights. why she stays out of circuses and away from people like you who would make her fall in love.

iv. agoraphobia; fear of situations where escape is difficult, fear of the plane that takes her away, fear of the open crowded space of your ribcage where paintings of her still constantly hang.

v. cynophobia; fear of dogs, fear of the graves where good noses could dig up the mistakes you have made, fear of a girl who made you want to get a puppy and settle down somewhere finally.

vi. astraphobia; fear of thunder and lightning, fear of being alone in a house that always sounded like both, the stormclouds of your histories always brewing behind flimsy doors. fear of finding her there and having her kiss you in the rain. fear she’d never come back to you again.

vii. trypanophobia; fear of injections, fear of drugs, fear of the doctor who looked into your heart and told you that your shaky hands and bad dreams were a sign that she’s crept into your sleep.

viii. social phobias; fear of social situations, fear of your father’s white knuckles on the wheel while he says, “no son of mine is a ***** like this,” fear of her mother’s judgement, fear of not being enough.

ix. pteromerhanophobia; fear of flying, fear of remembering how long it’s been since you actually felt alive, why you trembled whenever you held her tight, why one day she frightened you so bad that you left in the middle of the lonely night.

x. mysophobia; fear of germs. why you knew you’d only get her covered in dirt. why looking at yourself in the mirror always seems to hurt. why you will never be happy without being hers. out of this whole messed up world, she was the only thing pure.
Bella Feb 2015
see, astronauts need a certain amount
of pressure
surrounding their space suit
else their body boils

and this is exactly what it feels like at 2:34 in the afternoon when i am too sad to pass my mathematics exam but too anxious to fail it, this is exactly what it feels like when i have gone too long without talking to you because for some reason my brain is always conducting experiments on itself. i mean i am superheating in here, its all just so noisy and so silent at the same time, i mean, this morning i woke up to eat/dont eat and get out of bed/why are you still here and when im around you and when you touch me, i forget when i was so upset about and

i was always told  not to rely on another person for my happiness but you are the spacesuit applying just enough pressure from outside so the insides of me stayed safe and warm instead of constantly ready to blow a fuse

you calm me, you are my centre and my gravity. and i sorry thats asking for so much.
Bella Feb 2015
you feel like you’re a swarm of walking warning signs, red flags on your wrists, symptoms like wasps on your tongue, a body more full of bruises and oil stains and bad nights than butterflies and roses - and yet, somehow, nobody ever seems to notice.
Bella Feb 2015
she was a morbid contradiction - pure white innocent happiness in a twisted black death sadness.

— The End —