6 months of therapy
and I'm not anywhere close to being done

but I have seen great progress
and for that I am grateful

I feel happy
euphoric
hopeful
in love
satisfied with the present
content with the future
at peace with the past


I feel broken
tarnished
stained
infected
polluted with anxiety
poisoned with trauma
warped with self-loathing
rooted with problems

People say love comes your way when you least expect it

and maybe that's when I'll know that I'm ready to let love in again

when I stop looking for it
when I stop letting it consume my thoughts
when I stop letting it control my decisions

I will be ready for love

When I accept that there is no set plan
When I accept that time is not meant to cause anxious thoughts
When I accept that it is okay to be alone

How do you know you're ready to experience love again when your mind is the last thing you trust?

you have every reason to be skeptical
3 failed relationships proves that doesn't it?

you blame yourself
not seeing the warning signs
ignoring the bad parts of a relationship
thinking it'll change
or maybe that it simply doesn't matter enough

but love is a drug
and love is blinding

every.single.time

love has blinded me

love has given me such a high
that when the withdrawal hits
it is so excruciating
I blame myself for getting high in the first place

so why do I keep doing it?
maybe because each time I am convinced that it is going to last
or maybe because I am just so desperate to get it right

My drug has failed me so many times that the sight of it now makes me sick to my stomach

I have turned away from it entirely

So why does a part of me worry that I will never get high again?
Sober is safe
Sober is secure

but

Sober is boring

Nothing will beat the feeling of being high in love.

I dreamt of you last night
I still remember everything so vividly

when I saw you I knew that I was dreaming
because of the way you looked at me
we didn't have to exchange words
we both knew it wasn't real
we had to enjoy whatever time we had left together
because I would soon wake up
and we'd be back to never speaking again
we'd be back to you hating me
we'd be back to me hating me

I'd call it a dream but then I'd have to admit to myself that I wanted to dream of you

Life has made me bitter

Every proposal
Every instagram post
Every brag by a friend

I ignore the bitter taste in my mouth
swallow it instead
jealousy hides in my stomach
it tries to escape but I somehow force a smile

from the outside I look happy, hopeful
but my smile is masked by gritting teeth
my eyes start to glaze over
I pray no one notices that I'm no longer present in the conversation
because as they speak my jealousy begins to build
it builds so high I have two choices
change the subject or walk away
anything can be better than someone else's perfect relationship
especially when you're convinced you'll never find yours

life has made me bitter
it's my least favorite attribute

I know how much you love my blonde hair
that's why I cut it

6 inches gone
along with the memories of us
the toxicity of me

not only did I cut my hair short but I dyed it dark
so that there is no possible trace of blonde
no trace of you

maybe it'll help you accept what happened between us
maybe it'll help you move on from me faster
maybe
maybe
maybe

it's just hair.