I do not miss him
I only miss the potential future I would have had with him

I knew this for months
but I was a selfish coward
unable to admit to myself that I was settling
I almost settled for something I knew I didn't want
simply because I wanted so badly to get it right

I didn't want to disappoint anyone especially him
I knew how much he wanted this
how much he wanted me
so I tried to force it
but it was fake

the more I dragged it out the more I hurt him
and so I left
unexpectedly to him
but to me it was a relief
no longer was I settling
I was finally choosing what was best for me

for so long I felt trapped
knowing someone better for me was out there waiting

to think that I almost gave that up
to think that if I had settled
I never would have met you

our future is unknown
maybe even non-existent
but that wouldn't change how I feel

and I am finally comfortable with that

Some days I think God has put me here for a reason

Some days I think God has put me through hard times to make me stronger

Some days I think God is preparing me for something bigger

Some days I think God takes loved ones away from me because they are needed in heaven

Some days I think God has kept me from you for a reason

Some days I think God has never made our timing right on purpose

Some days I think God has made me struggle with love to prepare me for an even greater one

Some days I think God is trying to teach me patience and self love

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to find passion in security

Some days I think God is trying to teach me to take risks with no regards of the aftermath

Some days I think God is constantly testing me

Some days I remember
most days I don't believe in God

I go back to the beginning of my writing to be reminded of what once was

more so to see how far I've come

other times to see how little has changed

depends on my mood...

You cling to the past
but with each day that passes you feel it slipping from your grip
more and more

until all you have left seems to touch you in the form of
flashbacks
deja vu
dreams

anything to remind you of what once was

sometimes you wish you could tighten your grip before it's too late

but it is too late

the memories you have
of that person
of that relationship
can't be brought back
too much has changed
too much has happened since then
that person
that relationship
no longer exists

so why torture yourself over something you no longer have any control over?

because if you could go back you would've done things differently

I wouldn't have gone back to *** until I was healed that way our second chance might've lasted a lifetime
I would've left *** after the first red flag so I could look back and appreciate all of the good without all of the bad
I would've given xxxxxx a real chance regardless of my fear of being hurt

but I can't go back and neither can you

so this is an ode to my past

thank you for teaching me endless amounts of love lessons
thank you for forming me into the person that I am today

thank you for letting me have control in where I leave you

and where I leave you is right here
no further will you go along this journey with me

I hope you understand

I want to be happy.

I want to be content with the simplicity of life.

I want to stop living in extremes.

I want to feel what it is like to be in love
              without having to relive old memories.

I want to stop experiencing highs off of sadness.

I want to be able to take a deep breath
                in order to feel relief
                           rather than a gasp for air
                                     instinctual to my survival.

I want to welcome passion in again
               with wide open arms
                          feeling its embrace
                                   remembering its smell

When someone doesn't see the potential of what could be

try not to be angry
         try not to be sad
                   try not to blame yourself
                            try not to wonder why you weren't good enough

try

try to accept that it simply wasn't meant to be experienced
        try to accept that he simply didn't see just how great you are
              try to accept that he simply didn't see just how much you
                      had to offer him

you shouldn't have to wait around for someone

to realize just how great you could be together
        to realize just how worth it you are
                  to realize that you could've pulled each other
                        out of the darkest corners of your souls
                                that you both know too well.

but instead he will sit in the dark

alone

and when he sees you bright and gleaming

he will wonder why he ever even preferred the comfort of darkness

When I think of change in my own life
I think of doors surrounding me
suffocating me
almost

with each change that occurs in life
I open a different door
creating an entirely new set of doors to choose from

but with endless amounts of doors
how do I begin to choose which to open?

some doors are already cracked open
while others are locked shut

some doors are freshly painted
while others are cracked, peeling at the touch

so how do I decide?

how do I decide between
opening the already cracked door
or finding the key to the locked one

how do I decide between
opening the new door
or the door that's falling apart

because
regardless of how it looks on the outside
the inside is unknown

you can pick the easy door
but easy isn't always worthwhile

you can pick the appealing door
but appealing isn't always logical

the doors surround you daily
waiting for you to decide
growing impatient

do you rush and pick a door
and risk opening the wrong door

or do you wait
in an attempt to plan out every possible option
resulting in you feeling stuck
frozen in place
unable to move
unable to choose

feeling stuck may be miserable
but looking back and regretting your decision
wishing you could turn around and go back is just as bad
isn't it?