There's so much I need to say
They didn't warn me today was my last day
My thoughts are so jumbled in my head
My hand trembles trying to write down all the things I should've said
Where did all the time in the world go?
We don't really have all the time in the world and we all know
But, stubbornness and pride gets in the way
Prevents us from for being able to start out by simply saying "hey"
I only have time to tell one person how I truly feel
Why'd I wait so long to show you, so you'd believe it's real?
I can't waste a second on what I can't change
All I know is I never ever dreamed wed be so estranged
Sorry doesn't come close to bridging this gap
And I know you hate it when I'm a sap
But, I am so sorry little sister
I never met to let my life swallow us in my twister
From bunk beds to our own homes
I never stopped worrying about you but knew you'd be fine on your own
But, sometimes I look at you and I see the little girl who got off the school bus crying
And I had to do something to defend the little girl hiding
I never hesitated to do what I had to do to protect you
It wasn't a chore, it was a must, something I'd always do
But, then I changed and the storm above our house was me
For so many years I was just to **** blind to see
Until one day I realized you stopped picking up the phone
And even when we were both there, you'd rarely make your presence known
I couldn't make sense of it at first
I couldn't have been the one to cause so much pain and hurt
But, your eyes told it all
I just wish it hadn't taken me so long to stop denying what I saw
My reflection in your eyes was ugly and sad
And you were more than just mad
What I couldn't deal with I put on you
I suddenly switched from protecting the little girl from the school bus
I became worse than any bully you ever knew
Tears flood my eyes, drown my face
And it's no wonder we're trapped in this place
Somewhere along the line we switched roles
Dying inside, everything was growing cold
No more cookie dough and flour fights
Just angry words and silent tears at night
Those two girls hugging in the pictures on the wall
Were fading to nothing at all
You didn't know it but...
Everyday we spent in silence felt like a 1000 paper cuts
The roller coaster ride has been something most won't understand
Without you I'm not whole, my arms aren't waving in the air.. Everything's so bland
We've been trying to cross the same bridge for awhile now
We get so close and I ***** it up somehow
Bitterness and shame consumes me
And I just become different and forget the "we"
This letter is unbearable to write
My words are blurry and you're no where in sight
I'm standing at the bus stop
But the bus has come and gone, and the second hand moves faster on the clock
You're one I admire most
Even when jealous, I can't help but talk about you and boost
I would never want you any other way than you are
Your strength has taken you far
And my anger at life has caused our bridge to crack
And I just wanna turn the clock back
I wanna hear you beg me to play the bubble game
And then spend hours laughing so hard, the memory in my mind in a frame
That little girl from the school bus has always had my heart
Even if at times we had to part
I gotta wrap this up
I tap the pen nervously but..
Seal the envelop and put it in the mail box with hope
Hope that the little girl from the school bus
Well, that she still remembers us
That she remembers the sister that jumped on anyone that ever tried to hurt her
Not that just the one who messed up who we once were
I'm back at the bus stop again
I know it's a long wait and tough battle to win
Ill never stop trying to be better
That's why I had to write you this letter
I know it's not much, it's not an eraser
I'm not gonna push but, I will be the chaser
Because the little girl from the school bus deserved so much more from me than she got
And all that she's done, will never be forgot
Ill just stand here and wait
And never again will I hesitate
Hesitate to say what's right
And let my hatred of others drag us into a fight
I know there's so much I can't undo..
I guess I just had to write this so you'd truly know..

I love you

Your Meme always

How could you call it like it is? Not once, not even once was your thinking on the right track, but you swore you knew everything there was to know.
Anything, everything that might break me down.
You swore I was easy.
Easy to tear apart
Easy to break
Easy to read
Easy to bend
And the last one might be true, I bend like the willow tree but I stay rooted.
You're treacherous, you would have me believing ridiculous things,
Then condemn me for listening to you. My war is within me.
It is as if I were my own worst enemy, you crave what I refuse, you tempt me constantly with death dealing things;"Eat a little more, just one more drink, you don't need to do those things today, spend your money on this instead." You would have me find shelter in a box desperately reaching out for sympathy by the side of the road only to make sure I know it's my own fault. How is it, I need you? That there is no me without you. Feeling would be non existent. But you know this, better than I do.

It has been so long since I last heard my name out of your mouth that this time, it takes me by shock. I’m standing in the shadows, mouth agape, and you’re illuminated by the sun rays, blinding smile on your face. It’s funny, I note as a passing thought; we’ve been the light and dark of each other for as long as I can remember. You pull me out of my stupor, eyes finding mine and as always it feels like returning home.

"Are you coming?"

I shake my head, the weather is searing and my health is frail. The sun has never been a sanctuary for me like it has been for you, hair a faded brown and skin tanned from overexposure to the day. I pale in comparison, thriving in the moonlight and the shadows, at night and in the cold.

To my surprise, you don’t push any further. The briefest shock in your expression lingers before realisation sets in, and the corners of your lips turn up. It then occurs to me that you remember all that I have told you before, years ago when I thought you weren’t listening. I suppose you have been, all this while. A small spark of hope ignites somewhere deep inside my lungs.

"Tsk."

You truly smile by this time, fondness embedded in your gaze and the hints of affection in the tilt of your head. I return the gesture, a nervous, happy laugh escaping even before I can stop it. The moment is a giddy whirlwind of emotions; I have never been able to control myself around you.

-

I never notice until much later, but I spend the rest of the day away from the shade and under the sunlight; transfixed by your stare.

In these moments I can only think of how much I love you.

(A.H.Z)

I suppose we’ll get drunk
Maybe that’ll drag me out of this funk
Of television screens and cheap food
An oh, so unforgiving mood

Fretting about the smallest things
Of raw chicken & bankrupt kings
Avoiding sentimental ties
I’ll settle with the unkempt lies