I feel solace in the morning driving to get a warm overpriced coffee just to feel awake enough to make it through the day I have waiting ahead.
I find comfort driving alone in the morning cold and frosty; alone with only my thoughts singing louder than the songs on the radio.
But when I'm alone in my room in the middle of the night I cringe at my memories that pour through like the rain outside.
We all know what it's like to be alone.
We all know how heartbreak feels.
We all know the pain of falling in love....
It's always at night when there is nothing but me and my thoughts... That's when I feel the most alone...
It was almost cannibalistic the way I wanted to rip your clothes off and lick you from head to toe.
It was almost sadistic the way you smiled at me as you let me unbutton each button on that red flannel shirt I just can't resist.
It was almost humorous the way you grabbed my hair and slowly but roughly lifted me from my knees... Lips pressing hard against mine.
Hot and Sweaty.
Gasping for Breaths; begging for one more kiss.
It was almost troublesome how I just stopped giving a **** and let you do what you wanted... I wanted to be used and abused.
There was something wrong in the way I couldn't say no that night.. but they way you moved your body... It was fascinating.
You're my obsession.
You're my complication.
You have me completely enamored with everything you do.
It was almost depressing the way you just walked away and left me on the ground.. naked and vulnerable.
It was almost demanding the way I felt the urge to get up and beg you to stay one more night.
It was almost pathetic the way I kept letting this happen every other week...
You're an *******.
I hope you had a really great time.
Watching shadows dance across the room I want to tell you I'm angry with you but for some reason my mouth is silenced for once. The past comes and goes in flashes that tell me there was always something wrong from the start... and my hands wont stop shaking. You let the rain wash our love away and you let the snow freeze the love in your heart. You let the summer disappear with the changing of the seasons and I have never understood completely why it was called Fall until you came around and left me on the ground. Intoxicated by the alcohol that's thinning my blood and killing my liver I drowned you in expensive liquor. I let the trees change and the snow fall because what was I supposed to do.. beg you to come back?
I was never that type of girl.
I guess the truth is that I have my bags packed waiting by the door and I'm just waiting on that special someone to prove to me that I'm worth it.
They told me no one will love me until I love myself and this is probably more true that I want to believe.
I guess the truth is I'm fighting for the love I dream of at night; the love you see in the movies.
They told me I have to believe in fighting for myself before I fight for someone else... I guess I'm not selfish enough in a sense.
I guess the truth is I don't think I'll ever love myself...
I suppose no one will love me either then?
3.5 hours of crying through sappy love movies. Ugh girl moments.
I want to lie in fields of daisies with you staring at shooting stars that pass us by. I want to talk about Jupiter's moons and Saturn's rings like we know what we are talking about. I want to sit on top of sky scrapers counting all the red cars that pass us by. I want to travel to distant lands with foreign languages and be people we aren't just for a little while. I want to make the best romance novels jealous of our love and passion. I want to make the moon jealous of the sun and the rain jealous of the clouds. I want them to build statues of us and tell stories to children to let them know a love like this existed. I want to kiss your eyes shut and hold your hand while I listen to you sleep next to me. But more than anything else I want to love you & you love me to infinity & beyond.
Awkward side glances we tried so hard to never make eye contact it was almost as though we knew this would happen.
You asked was this pity on you?
I said never.
You said I could never love you.
I said forever.
You had dead eyes the night before I moved away-- more like ran away.
You asked what happened to you & I?
I said nothing great..
You said you never meant to make me cry..
I said it was already to late.
Awkward goodbyes and romance that faded too fast it was almost as though we knew this would happen..
I like to surround myself with beautiful people who hate themselves.
I find their beauty as they dig deep claws into tier tiny flaws pulling out only blood and tissue that create their flawless scars.
Is it shallow that I only like beautiful people?
I don't think so no.
Because who says what's beautiful and what's not beautiful?
Who I think is gorgeous and flawless you may find hideous and unattractive but that will never change my mind.
I surround myself with people I want things from... Because I think I am, myself, that hideous monster you speak of.
I see fat and disgust.
I see self hatred and lost dreams.
I see lack of motivation with no will power.
I see a lonely girl who can't find love of course because she doesn't love herself.
And yet I hear people say I'm beautiful & pretty & wonderful and I can't help but wonder....
Maybe surrounding myself with "beautiful" people is a shallow, awful thing to say....
We are all uniquely gorgeous
In one way or
What a week... So much self hatred... Trying to stay positive when I'm so far from that goal... I'm trying.,
She said "Black on Black is what makes it so much easier to pretend I just don't care"
I told her I had no idea what she meant... She laughed.
She painted her lips with blood red lipstick and inched her skinny legs into dark black fishnet stockings.
She wore nothing less than 10" heels and could walk elegantly in them as well.
She said "Black on Black makes me forget the job I have to do... It makes it easier to blend in."
I told her she didn't have to do anything she didn't want to... She smiled.
Black laced underwear and a padded bra with long black hair and make-up for days.
She said " Black on Black... whenever you're sad remember that Black can hide almost anything you want it to." And then she left.
I wanted to tell her I loved her & she would always be my sister no matter what she chose to do.
That night she went out.. doing her job like she always does except she didn't come home.
And just like the night sky... she faded into that black on black...
I'm finding it hard to connect the colors in my head to the correct emotions I am feeling lately.
I wanted the Blues to represent the blue skies and the Yellows to be the sunshine I saw in your eyes.
But the Blues make me sad and the Yellow makes it to bright to stare at you straight on.
I wanted the Reds to symbolize the energy of our love and the Orange to represent the caution I put up when you're around.
But the Reds make me sick and the Oranges keep me confused.
I keep hiding behind the Blacks and the Whites every time I see the shadows of Grey's come near me... and it's so hard to love you when all I see if Dark Blue and Purple forming on my body.
There are bruises surrounding my the place my heart used to be and I'm blue in the face from holding my breath.
We played hide and seek with our emotions till you caught be red handed on your bed waiting for you like I always do.... Just waiting...
Counting backwards from ten I breathed in and breathed out just to hear you say nothing at all when you should have said more.
You're leaving me and ignoring our problems like you always do and I ask why can't you just work things out like normal people do?
We lost our minds and I'm scared this is the last time we will play this game and I just can't sleep anymore.
You're hiding still from how you feel because emotions are a weakness to you but it takes more strength in a person to be honest to me...
You held my heart hostage and cut out my heart just to hear me tell you I am yours and only yours... Then you let me go so easily...
Leaving me with bruises where my heart used to be...
Clever words are for clever people.
I just want the ocean near me to drown my pain.
I want city sounds to drown the voices telling me to die.
I want the green trees to show me the beauty I can't find in this desert town.
Silence never comes fast enough...
My honest mouth is going to get me in trouble.
I ran across the open sea holding tightly to the flames that lit the inside of my palms. I fought the giant sea monsters who were lords to the dark abyss I found myself in love with.. I overly obsess about drowning in the sea. You wore a white robe with gold etched Into the palms of your light colored hands.. You held them to me begging for me to let you in...
But I ran across the raging waters that kept me hostage mentally and physically. I let the ocean take my heart and fill my lungs with painful salt water. I let myself fall into the trap of the raw beauty above the waters not fully understanding the rage below. I let you float away as I let myself drown. I let my fire burn out while your gold etched skin stayed bright and beautiful till the end of time..
And I let the sea take me captive for the last time.
skin anything but fare.
laughter turned to tears.
smiles with hidden fears.
I got on that plane with joy in my heart and a tears of happiness down my face.
Not knowing you were only in it for the chase.
I fell in love with the last drop of that bottle of wine you ... It was the nicest gift you ever gave me.
I fell in love with the boy I used to date right after you stopped talking to me... Or so I told you.. Truth is I have loved him all along...
You brought me down to my lowest point but now I'm bringing myself up alone.
See he didn't love me as much as I loved him and I didn't love you like you thought I did.
All those lies you told were just a great way to show me what an ******* I really am... Thanks for that!
And it's okay now.. Because it been a year since you & I talked and it's been since July since he and I talked and I guess... I guess I was just dancing around the truth.
You both were bad news... And I let my walls break with you guys... But now I'm getting them re built with more strength than before.
I am worth more than some ****** *** and a kiss in the morning.
I am worth more than false promises of marriage and happiness.
I am worth more than my self doubt tells me I am.
I guess I just want to say thanks to you both for showing me a few things I needed to know about my self.
Just about two boys who broke me down to my lowest point. Also trying to bring myself back to positive again...
I'll meet you down by the water lets meet around two.
I'll bring some old records and you just bring your dancing shoes.
We can dress fancy and drink some old cheap wine.
Talk about the better days when we were happy all the time.
We can slow dance to old tunes laughing at words that aren't said anymore.
Then we can go home to sleep and I'll watch you, like a creep, hoping you don't snore.
In the morning I'll kiss you hoping you'll kiss me back...
And you'll put your finger though my hair while you kiss me and we'll restart that record from our favorite track.
The days will pass by just you and I.
And you ask that question that makes every girl cry...
And I'll meet you at the alter, wearing nothing but white...
I'll say I do as you hold my hand so tight.
I liked the way you laughed at me in that bar in D.C. when I told you how adorable you could be.
We had been friends for so long... we had so much history.
I liked the way you stared at me as I drank down my second Midori Sour... you just stared without judgement.
We had so much chemistry... it was going to be so easy.
I liked the way you held my hand as we walked back to the hotel in the rain laughing at nothing scaring everyone around us as we stumbled through streets we didn't know.
We had so much energy.... It was going to happen again...
I liked the way you sat on the couch and watched me take my shirt off and walk to the room grinning like a fool...
You had such passion and fire in those eyes... I wanted to be ravaged from head to toe.
I liked the way you took my body and made it one with yours... nothing could have went wrong that night.
Lust was in the air... loud and excited.
I liked waking up to you next to me in the morning feeling like everything was so perfect... you were so perfect...
*What happened to that passion we had that night?
I just want to go back to the hotel in D.C. ... with you...
The truth is...
I simply want to kiss you as hard
As I possibly can...
Just to see if there is any....
The truth is....
I just want you to tell me
That you want to feel the same
I like the supervisor at my work.
He's nice and cute and listens to ****** indie music that Is intriguing. But I can't tell him because he is a supervisor.
Drift with me like foam on the open sea.
Follow me through mystic woods where animals flee.
Love with me like the sun loves the moon.
Sleep with me from midnight to noon.
Vagabonds and gypsies let's make this life count for something!
We are the golden ones who stand for nothing.
Sway with me in the open wind near the bonfires made of laughter and secrets.
Breathe with me as we watch sunsets that help us forget the regrets.,
We are the dawns fading into daylight.
We see the fallen ones searching for dreams in times of spite.
It's high tide and rising sending me signs it's once again time to escape.
I had to follow the beating muscle in my chest.
I talk a lot and I dream more than that; it makes people scared.
I don't need to rely on someone for love; but I so love love.
I am losing people I once called my friends due to their lack of faith in themselves.
I refuse to stand up for any of you any longer.
I'm taking the high roads to avoid the flooding waters below... And oh the beauty up here is grand.
As I wander, hoping to get lost soon, I see the autumn colors, the winter blues, the spring blooming, and summers dry heat.
I am on my own adventure and for once I feel the peace I've been dreaming of.
I've said out with your negativity and back in with the positivity I once felt a longtime ago.
And I ask but one thing of you...
Don't dwell on the sadness as long as I did for it will drown you before you can ask for help...
There was nothing these old love letters could do to soothe the pain I felt in my black hole of a heart...
The moon above me in the starry night sky filled with endless galaxies I've romanticized in my heartless mind.... They can't save me tonight.
I will parish under the ocean as I take deep breaths trying to grasp concept of your love that's drowning me slowly.
There was nothing these sappy love songs & clever words from poets I've never met could do to save me from my ever wandering mind.... I've wandered to far off the tracks... Lost is an under statement.
But tonight I ask the green weeping Willows and the bright tulips to take my heart and show it peace.
I ask for forgiveness from friends and family, from the moon and the stars, from the deep blue ocean; please forgive my sadness.
And with one final kiss goodnight I'll say goodbye to my ever wandering mind and black hole of a heart... I'm finding peace in myself.
Extra ****** olive oil was never the issue when you got back from that grocery store... You just couldn't see past the obvious.
Do you know what it's like to wake up screaming in terror?
Have you ever felt the need to just take the pain to all levels of intensities to just feel alive?
Have you ever just said... All I need is one more day to change this life... Just one more day that turned into years of self hatred?
No.. Cause I don't think you know what it's like to be full of harmful emotions like I do.
My conscience drips with self disgust that this alcohol can't hide anymore.
My wrists are full of scars I can't keep hidden with fancy blouses anymore.
My mouth is full of words that won't stay quiet, words that would chill your bones...
No.. It was never that extra ****** olive oil you bought that day that set me off...
Pierce the veil & boys night out helped with my train of thought
Keep the fairytales to a minimum; I'm just trying to get back to reality.
I'm no Sleeping Beauty but I could be a wandering Alice just trying to get out of Wonderland. I'm no Snow White but possibly a hopeless Cinderella always dreaming of an escape from an evil family. I've never been one for princesses and princes... But I do believe in true love. There were so many winding roads leading to the love I desired I believe I've lost the way out of these stories I've been told. You see I know Prince Charming isn't waiting around the corner to save me from the monsters I've created... He's just trying to fight his own monsters and make it out alive. All I'm asking is if I make it through the woods without being eaten by any Big Bad Wolf can we keep the fairytales to a minimum?
I woke up with this overwhelming fear
That I would die in this
I cried myself to sleep praying to a god I don't believe in that I would
Town before I became one
With it's *****
Last night I wanted to scream at anyone
Anything about everything
About how I just had to find a way
To get myself in a better place
As I could.
With tears falling down my face I woke up
With an overwhelming fear
That I would never get out of this
I have to get the hell out of here....
It felt something like falling off your bed in the middle of the night
You just wake up not quite sure what happened.
I woke up in the hospital.
They asked me if I knew where I was and what happened to me
I said I couldn't recall exactly what happened
But I thought I had an idea.
They said you tried to **** yourself again last night your roommate found you
She called 911 said there was a lot of blood
I guess I saw that coming.
It felt sort of like a dream I told the therapist later that week...
I felt like all the stress just vanished!
I was finally at peace.
He told me life was hard and it would only get harder and asked if I would do it again?
I wasn't sure how to answer him
Honestly, I probably would.
I like the rush of a first date.
The hyperventilating before you decide there is no way you can eat because **** if you puke before you get a kiss from this guy.
The running around like a chicken without a head trying to find that cute dress you know you bought last week ******!
The failure of getting your makeup just right instead getting it all over your **** face and hands and sink and clothes... then having to change again.
The waiting by the door or on the couch in your room unable to think of anything to talk about and wondering what time in the night you'll make an *** of yourself.
Or the moment he knocks on the door and you take one last breath before answering and having the most ridiculous grin on your face just to see he has the same stupid smile and sweat on his forehead knowing he probably went through the same **** you did.
I learned a lot today about the person I used to love and the person I still love.
He used to be so young and so wild... now he's into drugs.
He is the only one I think about... even when I'm trying to use someone else to make him go away.
He used to be so strong and so caring... now he's weak and sad whether he admits it or not.
He is so weak and alone... and has no idea how much he has hurt me.
He used to be the only one I ever wanted to grow old with.. but he moved on and so did I.
He is the one I still want to grow old and be with... but he's moving on and I can't.
I learned a lot about the boy I used to love... he isn't quite the man he thinks he is... and when I saw him it just made my heart hurt for him... how I want to help him grow.
I learned a lot about the boy I love... he is just trying to figure his life out... I only wish he would figure it out with me instead of leaving me with memories and a wounded heart.
Today I learned a lot about the boy I used to love and the boy I love... I'm not completely over either one of them...
I guess I learned a bit about myself too...
So many memories... It's hurting.
You said goodbye this morning as the dew was still on the flowers we planted outside.
I tried to see the black and white but all I saw were the shades of grey hidden in those blue eyes.
The wind danced along the tree tops and the birds sang the sad song of you leaving.
You had gold etched all over your tan skin and I remember the warmth you radiated all the time.
I was so cold.
I was so lonely.
It's funny I spent so long trying to find the simpleness in our relationship that I forgot to keep up with the challenge.
And you spent so long trying to keep me entertained you forgot why you loved me.
We were lost in the forever but we were lost alone.
We were in love with the then.... Forgetting the now.
You said goodbye this morning when the skies cried along my side
Why is it so hard to stop loving someone when they don't love you anymore?
He was one of those 'Die Hard Romantic' types of boys.
He had an old soul; he liked old Jazz and Shakespearean Plays.
I found I could never fall in love with those boys though.
I was too independent... I didn't like boys catering to me.. begging to do things for me.
He was so sweet... He had a poetic spirit about him.
He told me once that I smelled of the rain... which made me feel good but so sad.
I found there was nothing I could do to change how I felt about him.
He was just a friend... and I know that hurt him.
He told me about a girl he loved.. he said "you know after 5 years of waiting... I deserve more than a half assed hug and an awkward goodbye"
He was moving soon... this would be our last goodbye as well and he just wanted to know if there would have been a chance had I not been emotionally distraught.
I told him there could have been.
But he's just a friend.
"It would be so easy to fall for you"**
The words he said flowed like rivers... smooth and quiet.
He was charming and eccentric about his feelings... they took you off guard most of the time.
He was the character you fell in love with in the romantic books you read...but he was the one in the background who never got the girl.
He knew there wouldn't be anything more than friends between us and yet he pushed and pushed.
I was never good with compliments.
I was never good with nice guys,.
I was never good with myself.
"I'm giving you this flower because although it hasn't quite bloomed it will and it will be beautiful inside and out... it symbolizes how I feel about you... you may not think you're bloomed yet but you will."
He had a way with words.. they reeled you in and made you dizzy and confused.
He asked me to change my mind to give him a chance.
And I just seem to be distancing myself even more.
I was never good with compliments.
I was never good with nice guys.
I am not good with myself.
He moved far far away to another city for another life.
How could I blame him when I wanted nothing more than to do the same?
He sent me poetry and said
"I thought about you today as I sat in a garden thinking how lovely it would be to have someone lying next to me. I thought about you today"
He was a funny guy.
He was theatrical and naive.
Love didn't come to those who deserved it most.
Love went to the ones who cheated. The ones who lied. The ones who threw it away.
He was in love with the wrong girl.
He was in love with the angry aggressive girl who spoke to loud and too obscene.
He was in love with the self destructive hopeless ******* the west coast.
The girl who hid behind her camera capturing the beauty in everyone else why silently destroying herself with criticism every snap of the shutter.
**He was in love with the girl he thought he could save
Ladies! The boy these are about lives on NYC and is single. Feel free!
It could have been the cigarette hanging from your perfect lips that have me goosebumps or it could have been your jet black hair slicked back in a pompadour style only hipster kids have these days... Not sure really but it sent shivers down my body.
You were the type of boy who liked to drink whiskey and had neck tattoos & I was the type of girl who was more awkward than a turtle.
You had this mystery about you under those dark sunglasses and you were so tall & sleek in that red flannel and black jeans... You were so ... hot
I had this problem where I would just stare until you looked over, which you did, and in turn I would look away blushing with shame.
I took one glance back as I started to walk away and saw you grinning this huge grin with your pearly white teeth and septum ring touching your upper lip.. Pretty sure my heart melted.
You were the guy I had dreamed about at night and I didn't even know your name of course.
Who was I kidding? We would never see each other again.
I just can't stop these tears from flowing down my face and these headaches feel like a hammer pounding in my head.
I can't stop the shaking that happens when there is no other emotions besides feeling complete and total stress. I can't erase everything I feel and that's all I want in life right now.
I am breaking down.
I am falling apart.
And you just are not here.
You used to be here for me.. you were my rock for so long and I can't trust anyone anymore.
I just can't stop these memories from flooding the inside of my head... I just can't stop the tears from flowing down my face.
I can't stop this pain.
He smelled like peppermint in the middle of Christmas with those frosty hands he tried to hold tightly to my body hidden under layers of old sweaters.
He handed me a cup of steaming hot coco and kissed my red frozen nose and we watched the snow fall outside our window laughing as it fogged up when our breath touched it.
There was nothing but love in the air that morning we awoke under mistletoe and stockings were hung.
He handed me that little red box and he said
"I know what you expect but don't be sad when it's not there... this meant more to me than a simple ring"
I opened that little red box with anticipation racing through my veins... and inside was the sweetest love letter I've ever received...
Darling, you're more than the moon
you're more then the heavens above.
You're the sun that shines down in the summer day.
You're the happiness I feel when there is nothing to say.
You're the only reason I would ever cry...
and that would be the day that we die.
You're the legs to my chair, without you'd fall straight down.
And you're the emptiness I feel when you're not around...
So now I will ask what you've been dying to hear..
Will you marry me?"
With tears shining in my eyes like the ornaments on our luscious green tree... I looked over to my one and my only and nodded and said I Do.
Just as he pulled out the most beautiful ring.
You were brutally honest and assertive as well as terribly rude.. and yet I loved it.
I loved how you never admitted you were wrong and just went with it like nothing had happened... It was kind of cute for a while.
I think back to the days of learning each other inside and out... the way our bodies connected was anything but innocent.
You had green eyes and sandy blonde hair that was wavy when you let it grow out.
You had such a way of walking with your head held high it was almost a turn on the way your confidence shown through.
But it was all a lie. You are the most perfect liar.
You were hiding behind those demons you so enthusiastically put me down for having myself.
You were hiding behind self pity that you constantly reminded me of in myself.
You couldn't admit you were wrong because you are a coward. I told you I felt like this was a game... you were so angry that night because I had finally stood up to you.
I told you I wouldn't do this again until you committed... and you sat there staring at the wall fuming... but never said one word... and you watched me walk out the door.
I left. I went home and I cried for hours and yet you never called.
I build those walls back up just to make myself stronger for the moment... and I went one with life.
I saw you a year later.. you looked so confident still... except to me.
I saw the fear in your eyes when you caught my glance.
I saw you catch your breath finally, secretively, admitting you were wrong.
And I smiled... I smiled at walked away...and I knew...
I knew I had finally won.
I have to stop drinking again.
because I wake up with my head spinning, my stomach churning, and the acid in my heart threatening to eat through the flesh.
I have to stop crying again.
because I know you don't care, or the feel the same way anymore.
There are too many memories and why the hell did I think a bottle of wine would honestly help?
I have to stop drinking again.
before I turn back into the monster I hate or the person I tried my hardest not to become.
before I desire nothing but sitting at home drinking bottle after bottle wasting my life away.
As I sit here with my head in the toilet begging for mercy I pray to a God I don't believe in and I beg... I am begging to get the courage to let go of this life I have created...
I have to stop.
I woke up with sweat dripping down my face and my throat raw from screaming.
I let the demons in.
I let them burn my heart.
I let them steal your away.
I am asking for one night of sleep and dreams that don't involve you leaving.
But you're gone.
But you're with her.
But you left me alone again...
Demons told me it was time to end it all.
They said it was the only way.
They said I had no reason to live.
They said love would never come for me.
So I laughed at these demons and I took their warnings with tears running down my face,...
And I took that blade and slit my throat before I could really feel the pain of being alone..
Before I could think.
Before I could remember.
Not sure how I feel yet about this... Might add to it still :)
I have this thing about people's imperfections.
I love the crooked smiles and the dreamy eyes. I love the way people stare or ask obscene questions randomly. I love the beauty in scars and the tales they hold beneath them.
This is for the Dreamers who never die.
For the Winners who never win.
And the Losers who always succeed in the end.
I love the loose laughter you hear in the rebellious voice of the youth.
Or the way my elders grin when I tell them I wont live past 25 knowing they felt the same way when they were my age.
this is for the kids who **** at sports.
the kids who make art look powerful.
And for the people who never ever gave up even when the world wanted to see them fall.
I have so many imperfections.
I haven't slept in a week.
Coffee and nicotine are the only things keeping me semi focused at work.
and staring at this computer screen typing the same stuff over and over again
I keep shuffling through my work folders only to find.
hidden photos from our trip that make me remember...
I haven't smiled like that since I got home.
My eyes hurt as much as my heart.
I planned my whole life in one week.. foolish is the only word I can use to describe why.
Everything felt so right when I was there--despite the awful Summer humidity.
It's amazing what you do when you're in love with a liar.
"Please stay... never leave.. Will you marry me?"
Can you tell me now what was with the lies? Because I can tell you I fell so easily for them.
Can you tell me now did you ever love me? Because I can tell you now I still love you.
I planned my whole life in one week... Alone is all I can say now.
Everything feels so wrong... I am nothing but confused.
It's amazing what can happen when you're in love with a liar.
I am clearly not over this *******. I wish he would talk to me.
I put you on the highest of pedestal's... you're up there with the Greek and Roman gods.
You're the sunshine to my fields of flowers that aren't quite blooming with beauty yet.
You're the waves crashing around my boat threatening to take me under but never really drowning me.
I put you up there next to the Sea and the Sun because they are the highest powers in my mind.
The Sea was calm on the surface, sure at times it can be fierce, but under it was full of energy and life that went unseen.
The Sun was so hot, always one fire you could say, burning with such intensity it was hard to stare at it straight on.
I like to think you put me up there with the birds and the bees... but we all know you didn't.
I was nothing but the Moon and the Stars to you.
The Moon with such mystery only showing her beauty at night when true emotions could go unseen.
The Stars... always so far away never knowing if they are truly alive or dead.
You made me seem Common; I made you a God.
I'd stay a month or maybe two.
I'd count to three and always wait for you.
I'd speak in riddles just to see you laugh again.
I'd kiss your lips if it would help us win.
You loved me more than I loved you.
You held my hand from ups and downs and all the way through.
Those green eyes the way they lie.
Those white teeth the way they would smile.
I'd bring the moon to your window every night.
I'd bring you the stars and tuck you in tight.
You're the sun to my shine.
Your the song to my rhyme.
I'd apologize for not loving you more...
If I knew you'd come back through my door....
I just wanted to let you know..
That you're beautiful.
And I know that's something boys say to girls but
I never followed the rules before
Why start now?
I just wanted to let you know ...
You make me smile.
Like a little kid opening gifts on Christmas
You make me giddy and silly.
I just want you to know...
They you broke my heart.
An I'm not holding it against you anymore
Because they said I shouldn't
Hold a grudge.
I just wanted you to know...
I do still love you.
But I hope you will find someone to make you
As happy as you once
Oh love. Such silly terrible emotions sometimes.
It's that time of year again when the snow falls slowly from the open sky & the cold blocks the happiness in my mind.
It's the time of year people cuddle with their partners & drink hot coco while I shiver in bed alone.
The season of joy is the most painful season for me to be alive.
It's the time when your birthday is and Christmas; when kids get gifts & lovers love.
I want to be strong this year for myself.
But it's just so cold outside as I draw in the frost on my window.
I want to let it not bother me that I know you're with someone holding her hand kissing her frozen lips smiling under the snowflakes....
It the time of year when the snow falls slowly and I'm sitting alone reading old romance novels trying to make sense of my pitiful life.
We were so high the night we decided to not give one flying ****... because in all honestly how does a **** fly?
It was magical the way were so carefree & wild that night... because there shouldn't be a care if you're free and wild!
We held hands and ran through the sprinklers soaking wet and freezing.... we didn't stop laughing though we just danced in the water.
I remember the way you looked when you looked up at the moon.. it was so innocent.. and I loved you so much more than I ever had... but I couldn't tell you.
I didn't want to tell you not in that moment... not then.
You said "Lets be Wild Flowers"
I said "Is that our new band name?"
You laughed and kissed me... and I couldn't breathe... you had never kissed me.
You said "Lets fall madly in love..."
I said "I already have..."
& we kissed again and danced under the moonlight as if we were wild flowers swaying in the night.
Blue waves crash around us; you left me floating alone.
I wanted to try this 10W thing...In dire need of something new.
Quietly screaming on the inside I know no one can hear me from up this high.
There was something in the way you said I will love you always and forever.
Warmness takes over the body as the alcohol runs through my system and I didn't mean to drink this much and it’s time to lie down.
These are the fights that no one knew about. These are the moments suspended forever in time.
We were one; we were in love.
There are bruises on my skin from all the needles I've been sticking in the arms that were once held by you.
I was quietly screaming and now I’m shouting at the top of my lungs I hope you’re happy.
Cars pass by and I am undetected high above those crowded New York streets.
There is something about the East Coast and a lost romance.
My West Coast heart aches and I miss the sound of waves crashing upon the empty beach.
As I plan to jump from this building I know there is nothing I can do to make you come home especially jumping from a building.
Crying I take myself off the ledge and plan my trip back to the West Coast love
I never have to quietly
scream for help
You're face was prickly like pine needles and you smelled like the smoke from the burnt out fire we had next to us in those quiet woods.
You had deep dark brown eyes that would stare me down hard in the morning... and oh how I wanted nothing more than to ravage you on sight.
Lust was in the air that morning and nothing more.
"Have you ever wanted something so much it made it hard to breathe?" you whispered in my ear.. lips slightly touching skin.
"Yes" I said with such authority and kissed you more passionately than ever before.
You're hair was tussled and brown like the dirt we laid our soft blanket upon that morning.
You had this smile brighter than a full moon in the night sky and more soothing that the crickets chirping in the morning air.
Love was in the air that morning and nothing more.
Whiskey kisses and drunken nights.
I was nothing more than a sad romantic novel on the back of your shelf.
Red lipstick smeared across my mouth.
I was nothing but your quickie on the side of the road.
You said "don't worry this will be over quickly"
I said " I hope you get hit by a ******* car."
You laughed with bitterness and said with one quick slap to my face "you're nothing more than whiskey kisses on the side of the road"
You left me stranded on the dirt road in a mini skirt and red lipstick on my face and a new black eye.
And I said, quietly to myself on this old abandoned road in the middle of nowhere, "I hope I get hit by a ******* car"
Trying something new.
Are you frightened by the reflection staring back at you?
The person you used to be is dead in those eyes that once held so much light.
You hear what they say about how you used to laugh and you wish just once more it was the same.
But the laughs seem mono-toned and alone.
The smiles are forced so painfully on your chubby cheeks.
The weight you lost came crawling back at full force and you ate the stress away because it kept you occupied.
Those people you called friends only come out when there is no one else around..
And you refuse to ask for help because you don't even know where to start.
Are you scared to admit that you knew this would happen all along.
There was something in the way the anger and sadness spread so quickly to your heart.
And the way your body seemed to be slowly but surely shutting down.
Can you remember when he used to love you and how spunky you used to be?
He told you that you changed and you kinda smirked.
He reminded you of everything you weren't anymore.
Are you scared of the reflection staring back at you?
I am so lost.
Monsters in the closets and monsters under my bed I can’t tell you what’s more frightening.
Can I put my feet down near the edge that leads to the black abyss under the bed… or should I jump ten feet away so nothing can grab my heels and drag me under!
Should I walk down that hallway without a weapon? Will I make it out alive or will someone be waiting around that corner to take me down?
Shut all the doors and triple check those locks who knows what is waiting outside to eat me alive….
Sleep deprived I sit on the couch watching the shadows dance across my walls in their devious ways.
Early morning comes around before my body shuts itself down without an idea of the monsters that wait for my eyes to close.
Monsters behind the shower curtain and behind those window blinds…they just wait for the invitation.
Monsters under the bed..
**I’m afraid of the monsters in my head.