I'm trading in sleep for long nights of Midori Sours and New Found Glory blasting through the speakers in my room.
I'm trading in time with friends for solitude and The Wonder Years telling me to become a pirate for the **** of it.
I spend more time drinking away the pain and listening to Pop Punk then I do trying to better myself.
I tell myself to get the **** out of bed but then Blink-182 reminds me of you and I go down another beer.
As The Sweller's told me last night "I wish you could see inside my head..." but you don't actually give a **** anymore.
I'm pretty sure if I took the time to get out of bed and go make something of my life again you would come back... but I'm feeling self pity and I'll stick to my Pop Punk Remedies for now.

Rows of daisies surround me as I lie in this grass dreaming of hollow bottles etched in gold--
I don't often dream of princesses and castle made of gold but when I do I go big--
You left me at the alter in a white dress holding flowers you hand picked the day before--
You told me beautiful lies about distant lands & we knew money could buy us just enough happiness--
I felt selfish and shallow, taking the money you handed to me like it was free candy it you insisted it was what I had to do--
And it's okay now since you left me beacause I'm finding a cure--
I've let my hair down and walked into the open fields that surround me letting the sun shine down on my face --
I made a crown of flowers as I took a deep breath & realized I wasn't meant for the royal life--
You left me at the alter in a white dress with cheap flowers you said you hand picked and I left you six feet beneath the ground in debt--

It could have been the cigarette hanging from your perfect lips that have me goosebumps or it could have been your jet black hair slicked back in a pompadour style only hipster kids have these days... Not sure really but it sent shivers down my body.
You were the type of boy who liked to drink whiskey and had neck tattoos & I was the type of girl who was more awkward than a turtle.
You had this mystery about you under those dark sunglasses and you were so tall & sleek in that red flannel and black jeans... You were so ... hot
I had this problem where I would just stare until you looked over, which you did, and in turn I would look away blushing with shame.
I took one glance back as I started to walk away and saw you grinning this huge grin with your pearly white teeth and septum ring touching your upper lip.. Pretty sure my heart melted.
You were the guy I had dreamed about at night and I didn't even know your name of course.
Who was I kidding? We would never see each other again.

We were so high the night we decided to not give one flying ****... because in all honestly how does a **** fly?
It was magical the way were so carefree & wild that night... because there shouldn't be a care if you're free and wild!
We held hands and ran through the sprinklers soaking wet and freezing.... we didn't stop laughing though we just danced in the water.
I remember the way you looked when you looked up at the moon.. it was so innocent.. and I loved you so much more than I ever had... but I couldn't tell you.
I didn't want to tell you not in that moment... not then.

You said "Lets be Wild Flowers"
I said "Is that our new band name?"
You laughed and kissed me... and I couldn't breathe... you had never kissed me.
You said "Lets fall madly in love..."
I said "I already have..."

& we kissed again and danced under the moonlight as if we were wild flowers swaying in the night.

I'll meet you down by the water lets meet around two.
I'll bring some old records and you just bring your dancing shoes.
We can dress fancy and drink some old cheap wine.
Talk about the better days when we were happy all the time.
We can slow dance to old tunes laughing at words that aren't said anymore.
Then we can go home to sleep and I'll watch you, like a creep, hoping you don't snore.
In the morning I'll kiss you hoping you'll kiss me back...
And you'll put your finger though my hair while you kiss me and we'll restart that record from our favorite track.
The days will pass by just you and I.
And you ask that question that makes every girl cry...
And I'll meet you at the alter, wearing nothing but white...
I'll say I do as you hold my hand so tight.

I remember photoshoots in my room making my parents take our pictures. I remember late nights conversations about cute boys & stupid friends. I remember passing notes & walking through the halls of high school.
See I remember you before you were on these anti anxiety depression medication. Before you decided you needed them to get by in life and I told you I. Understood. I said I still had your back no matter what.
Now you're a different person.
Now you lie about being so in love and so happy.
I try and tell you to get off those pills but you won't listen.
And so I ask... What happened to my best friend?
What happened to the carefree girl who went on adventures?
And I ask... If you're so happy why are you still taking those pills crying at night?
I miss my best friend.

Whiskey kisses and drunken nights.
I was nothing more than a sad romantic novel on the back of your shelf.
Red lipstick smeared across my mouth.
I was nothing but your quickie on the side of the road.

You said "don't worry this will be over quickly"
I said " I hope you get hit by a ******* car."

You laughed with bitterness and said with one quick slap to my face "you're nothing more than whiskey kisses on the side of the road"
You left me stranded on the dirt road in a mini skirt and red lipstick on my face and a new black eye.

And I said, quietly to myself on this old abandoned road in the middle of nowhere, "I hope I get hit by a ******* car"

There was nothing these old love letters could do to soothe the pain I felt in my black hole of a heart...
The moon above me in the starry night sky filled with endless galaxies I've romanticized in my heartless mind.... They can't save me tonight.
I will parish under the ocean as I take deep breaths trying to grasp concept of your love that's drowning me slowly.
There was nothing these sappy love songs & clever words from poets I've never met could do to save me from my ever wandering mind.... I've wandered to far off the tracks... Lost is an under statement.
But tonight I ask the green weeping Willows and the bright tulips to take my heart and show it peace.
I ask for forgiveness from friends and family, from the moon and the stars, from the deep blue ocean; please forgive my sadness.
And with one final kiss goodnight I'll say goodbye to my ever wandering mind and black hole of a heart... I'm finding peace in myself.

Watching shadows dance across the room I want to tell you I'm angry with you but for some reason my mouth is silenced for once. The past comes and goes in flashes that tell me there was always something wrong from the start... and my hands wont stop shaking. You let the rain wash our love away and you let the snow freeze the love in your heart. You let the summer disappear with the changing of the seasons and I have never understood completely why it was called Fall until you came around and left me on the ground. Intoxicated by the alcohol that's thinning my blood and killing my liver I drowned you in expensive liquor. I let the trees change and the snow fall because what was I supposed to do.. beg you to come back?

                               I was never that type of girl.

It was almost cannibalistic the way I wanted to rip your clothes off and lick you from head to toe.
It was almost sadistic the way you smiled at me as you let me unbutton each button on that red flannel shirt I just can't resist.
It was almost humorous the way you grabbed my hair and slowly but roughly lifted me from my knees... Lips pressing hard against mine.
                                                                        Face Flushed.
                                                                      Hot and Sweaty.
                                               Gasping for Breaths; begging for one more kiss.

It was almost troublesome how I just stopped giving a **** and let you do what you wanted... I wanted to be used and abused.
There was something wrong in the way I couldn't say no that night.. but they way you moved your body... It was fascinating.
                                                                   You're my obsession.
                                                               You're my complication.
                                         You have me completely enamored with everything you do.

It was almost depressing the way you just walked away and left me on the ground.. naked and vulnerable.
It was almost demanding the way I felt the urge to get up and beg you to stay one more night.
It was almost pathetic the way I kept letting this happen every other week...

                                                                   You're an *******.
                                                     I hope you had a really great time.

I like the rush of a first date.
The hyperventilating before you decide there is no way you can eat because **** if you puke before you get a kiss from this guy.
The running around like a chicken without a head trying to find that cute dress you know you bought last week ******!
The failure of getting your makeup just right instead getting it all over your **** face and hands and sink and clothes... then having to change again.
The waiting by the door or on the couch in your room unable to think of anything to talk about and wondering what time in the night you'll make an *** of yourself.
Or the moment he knocks on the door and you take one last breath before answering and having the most ridiculous grin on your face just to see he has the same stupid smile and sweat on his forehead knowing he probably went through the same **** you did.

Awkward side glances we tried so hard to never make eye contact it was almost as though we knew this would happen.
You asked was this pity on you?
I said never.
You said I could never love you.
I said forever.
You had dead eyes the night before I moved away-- more like ran away.
You asked what happened to you & I?
I said nothing great..
You said you never meant to make me cry..
I said it was already to late.
Awkward goodbyes and romance that faded too fast it was almost as though we knew this would happen..

I can't remember the sound of your voice, well I can ever so slightly, and I can't remember the way you smiled at things... Those little things.  I try to remember the way your lips felt against mine or the way you played with my hair but these memories are slowly fading.

love me I beg you.
leave me you say softly.

Cigarettes and coffee I'm slowly killing myself with caffeine and nicotine... Everything you hate. I can't sleep anymore, the nightmares of our past fill my head, I just remember so much.. But sometimes it feels better to just give in.

i want to die I whispered to an empty room.
i need you in my life I cried to an empty room.

My friends laugh at me... I have always been so independent except when you come around.
I lose control.
I lose rationality.
I lose all emotions besides lust and love... I become so weak

And I just want you to know... i love you
Even though you'll never realize how much... I truly love you.

I wanted to **** time with you until my head spun around and around with dizziness that you make me feel.
But by the end of the night we sat awkward and drunk counting the minutes till sunrise when I could sober myself up to drive home...
You said you no longer wanted to be alive.
I told you you were just drunk and I loved you.
You yelled at me from across the table asking so many questions I couldn't answer and I just cried.
Because I loved you so much... And I wish I could give you a mirror to show you how I enamored every single piece of you.
And I would write you letters every day telling you how amazing you are in every way.
I would kiss you every hour, every second of the day if it would bring you out of this funk.
Instead we sat at your dining room table staring at each other with sadness and fear... Drunk and reminiscing the better days... Eating Mac n cheese...
I will love you till the day I die and beyond.. As pathetic as it may seem.

You were brutally honest and assertive as well as terribly rude.. and yet I loved it.
I loved how you never admitted you were wrong and just went with it like nothing had happened... It was kind of cute for a while.
I think back to the days of learning each other inside and out... the way our bodies connected was anything but innocent.
You had green eyes and sandy blonde hair that was wavy when you let it grow out.
You had such a way of walking with your head held high it was almost a turn on the way your confidence shown through.
But it was all a lie. You are the most perfect liar.
You were hiding behind those demons you so enthusiastically put me down for having myself.
You were hiding behind self pity that you constantly reminded me of in myself.
You couldn't admit you were wrong because you are a coward. I told you I felt like this was a game... you were so angry that night because I had finally stood up to you.
I told you I wouldn't do this again until you committed... and you sat there staring at the wall fuming... but never said one word... and you watched me walk out the door.
I left. I went home and I cried for hours and yet you never called.
I build those walls back up just to make myself stronger for the moment... and I went one with life.
I saw you a year later.. you looked so confident still... except to me.
I saw the fear in your eyes when you caught my glance.
I saw you catch your breath finally, secretively, admitting you were wrong.
And I smiled... I smiled at walked away...and I knew...

I knew I had finally won.

I have this thing about people's imperfections.
I love the crooked smiles and the dreamy eyes. I love the way people stare or ask obscene questions randomly. I love the beauty in scars and the tales they hold beneath them.
This is for the Dreamers who never die.
For the Winners who never win.
And the Losers who always succeed in the end.
I love the loose laughter you hear in the rebellious voice of the youth.
Or the way my elders grin when I tell them I wont live past 25 knowing they felt the same way when they were my age.
this is for the kids who **** at sports.
the kids who make art look powerful.
And for the people who never ever gave up even when the world wanted to see them fall.

I have so many imperfections.