blonde hair blue eyes--
you're words scream rude and arrogant--
no one likes you can't you see?
Old friends and broken memories
Filled with lyrics from pop punk and ******* bands.
I'm swaying in the wind with thoughts of distant lands and far away places with no one who knows me.
I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm not worried about being alone anymore.
Please forgive me in the end.
I'm trading in sleep for long nights of Midori Sours and New Found Glory blasting through the speakers in my room.
I'm trading in time with friends for solitude and The Wonder Years telling me to become a pirate for the **** of it.
I spend more time drinking away the pain and listening to Pop Punk then I do trying to better myself.
I tell myself to get the **** out of bed but then Blink-182 reminds me of you and I go down another beer.
As The Sweller's told me last night "I wish you could see inside my head..." but you don't actually give a **** anymore.
I'm pretty sure if I took the time to get out of bed and go make something of my life again you would come back... but I'm feeling self pity and I'll stick to my Pop Punk Remedies for now.
Sunsets are always prettiest when you're around to watch them with me... but you're not here this morning again...
I watched the snow fall through the cracks in the ice around my window.. It's always warmer when you're there to hold my hand... but you weren't there again.
There was a soft breeze that flowed through my hair... It was almost spring again and I walked along the Santa Cruz coast hoping to see you running up to me.. but you never came around.
It's those little things that seem to scream your name when I least expect it... a song, a kiss from a stranger, a love note found in the attic.
It's those wild things that yell at me when I least want them.. the road trips, the makeup ***, the fights and the panic.
Sunsets seem to fall into place better when it's summer and they show red and purple skies... it's always better when you're around.
I'm sick of the snow falling so I've moved to California begging for some sunshine..wish you were around..
Sing to me when the wind blows so she can carry your tune back home-
Breathe the open air from a top the mountains that sit like kings waiting for a cup of tea-
You look so beautiful covered in gold; royal and daring as you make your commands.
And as I, a noble peasant, am who i am your wish is my command-
When winter sends her chills towards my summer heart I hope you'll keep me warm-
I hope you'll grab my hand or kiss my lips as we sip hot coco next to the open fire-
I miss the autumn colors and the way they flowed so nicely with your sky blue eyes-
It's that time of year again when people kiss under mistletoe and love under Christmas lights-
And as I sit alone wrapped in an old blanket and your sweater... I hope you're the happiest you've ever been-
It could have been the cigarette hanging from your perfect lips that have me goosebumps or it could have been your jet black hair slicked back in a pompadour style only hipster kids have these days... Not sure really but it sent shivers down my body.
You were the type of boy who liked to drink whiskey and had neck tattoos & I was the type of girl who was more awkward than a turtle.
You had this mystery about you under those dark sunglasses and you were so tall & sleek in that red flannel and black jeans... You were so ... hot
I had this problem where I would just stare until you looked over, which you did, and in turn I would look away blushing with shame.
I took one glance back as I started to walk away and saw you grinning this huge grin with your pearly white teeth and septum ring touching your upper lip.. Pretty sure my heart melted.
You were the guy I had dreamed about at night and I didn't even know your name of course.
Who was I kidding? We would never see each other again.
Pitter Patter against the roof as I climb up those stairs with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Pitter Patter against the cold, wet windows…As I stare out into the cloudy day with tears pouring like the rain. Pitter Patter goes my heart as I start to sink more and more into the depression haunting my soul. Pitter Patter goes the dogs’ tail as he lies watching me stare into the nothingness that has become my life. What did I do wrong this time? Has failure and defeat finally set in? My heart beats… slowly but surely I know I am still alive. Pitter Patter as I walk down those stairs with nothing to lose. Pitter Patter against those cold, wet windows…I look for a sign of something more. Pitter Patter goes my heart as I walk back out the door with a feeling of hope in my soul. Pitter Patter goes the dogs’ tail as he walks next to me down the street searching for that tiny thing called hope…
Rows of daisies surround me as I lie in this grass dreaming of hollow bottles etched in gold--
I don't often dream of princesses and castle made of gold but when I do I go big--
You left me at the alter in a white dress holding flowers you hand picked the day before--
You told me beautiful lies about distant lands & we knew money could buy us just enough happiness--
I felt selfish and shallow, taking the money you handed to me like it was free candy it you insisted it was what I had to do--
And it's okay now since you left me beacause I'm finding a cure--
I've let my hair down and walked into the open fields that surround me letting the sun shine down on my face --
I made a crown of flowers as I took a deep breath & realized I wasn't meant for the royal life--
You left me at the alter in a white dress with cheap flowers you said you hand picked and I left you six feet beneath the ground in debt--
Trying something new let me know your thoughts I'm curious how to make this better :)
We were so high the night we decided to not give one flying ****... because in all honestly how does a **** fly?
It was magical the way were so carefree & wild that night... because there shouldn't be a care if you're free and wild!
We held hands and ran through the sprinklers soaking wet and freezing.... we didn't stop laughing though we just danced in the water.
I remember the way you looked when you looked up at the moon.. it was so innocent.. and I loved you so much more than I ever had... but I couldn't tell you.
I didn't want to tell you not in that moment... not then.
You said "Lets be Wild Flowers"
I said "Is that our new band name?"
You laughed and kissed me... and I couldn't breathe... you had never kissed me.
You said "Lets fall madly in love..."
I said "I already have..."
& we kissed again and danced under the moonlight as if we were wild flowers swaying in the night.
He smelled like peppermint in the middle of Christmas with those frosty hands he tried to hold tightly to my body hidden under layers of old sweaters.
He handed me a cup of steaming hot coco and kissed my red frozen nose and we watched the snow fall outside our window laughing as it fogged up when our breath touched it.
There was nothing but love in the air that morning we awoke under mistletoe and stockings were hung.
He handed me that little red box and he said
"I know what you expect but don't be sad when it's not there... this meant more to me than a simple ring"
I opened that little red box with anticipation racing through my veins... and inside was the sweetest love letter I've ever received...
Darling, you're more than the moon
you're more then the heavens above.
You're the sun that shines down in the summer day.
You're the happiness I feel when there is nothing to say.
You're the only reason I would ever cry...
and that would be the day that we die.
You're the legs to my chair, without you'd fall straight down.
And you're the emptiness I feel when you're not around...
So now I will ask what you've been dying to hear..
Will you marry me?"
With tears shining in my eyes like the ornaments on our luscious green tree... I looked over to my one and my only and nodded and said I Do.
Just as he pulled out the most beautiful ring.
I liked you better when you were self harming and sad because at least then you paid attention.
You used to stand up for me and help me get through the day-- no you ignore me like I never knew you.
You used to tell me I was beautiful and gorgeous-- now you just say I'm pretty and okay.
You were the one who used to build me up when I was down-- now you tear me down every chance you get.
There was a time when my feelings meant everything to you but that was back when I said you were too nice
I told you I didn't like it when guys were nice to me and you told me you would never change--I guess we both lied.
I told you that you were too clingy for me now all I want is for you to hold me and tell me you love me still.
You made it clear, I am nothing important anymore, and the worst part is I blame this entirely on myself.
If you wanted revenge you got it.
I'll meet you down by the water lets meet around two.
I'll bring some old records and you just bring your dancing shoes.
We can dress fancy and drink some old cheap wine.
Talk about the better days when we were happy all the time.
We can slow dance to old tunes laughing at words that aren't said anymore.
Then we can go home to sleep and I'll watch you, like a creep, hoping you don't snore.
In the morning I'll kiss you hoping you'll kiss me back...
And you'll put your finger though my hair while you kiss me and we'll restart that record from our favorite track.
The days will pass by just you and I.
And you ask that question that makes every girl cry...
And I'll meet you at the alter, wearing nothing but white...
I'll say I do as you hold my hand so tight.
I like to surround myself with beautiful people who hate themselves.
I find their beauty as they dig deep claws into tier tiny flaws pulling out only blood and tissue that create their flawless scars.
Is it shallow that I only like beautiful people?
I don't think so no.
Because who says what's beautiful and what's not beautiful?
Who I think is gorgeous and flawless you may find hideous and unattractive but that will never change my mind.
I surround myself with people I want things from... Because I think I am, myself, that hideous monster you speak of.
I see fat and disgust.
I see self hatred and lost dreams.
I see lack of motivation with no will power.
I see a lonely girl who can't find love of course because she doesn't love herself.
And yet I hear people say I'm beautiful & pretty & wonderful and I can't help but wonder....
Maybe surrounding myself with "beautiful" people is a shallow, awful thing to say....
We are all uniquely gorgeous
In one way or
What a week... So much self hatred... Trying to stay positive when I'm so far from that goal... I'm trying.,
Keep the fairytales to a minimum; I'm just trying to get back to reality.
I'm no Sleeping Beauty but I could be a wandering Alice just trying to get out of Wonderland. I'm no Snow White but possibly a hopeless Cinderella always dreaming of an escape from an evil family. I've never been one for princesses and princes... But I do believe in true love. There were so many winding roads leading to the love I desired I believe I've lost the way out of these stories I've been told. You see I know Prince Charming isn't waiting around the corner to save me from the monsters I've created... He's just trying to fight his own monsters and make it out alive. All I'm asking is if I make it through the woods without being eaten by any Big Bad Wolf can we keep the fairytales to a minimum?
Monsters in the closets and monsters under my bed I can’t tell you what’s more frightening.
Can I put my feet down near the edge that leads to the black abyss under the bed… or should I jump ten feet away so nothing can grab my heels and drag me under!
Should I walk down that hallway without a weapon? Will I make it out alive or will someone be waiting around that corner to take me down?
Shut all the doors and triple check those locks who knows what is waiting outside to eat me alive….
Sleep deprived I sit on the couch watching the shadows dance across my walls in their devious ways.
Early morning comes around before my body shuts itself down without an idea of the monsters that wait for my eyes to close.
Monsters behind the shower curtain and behind those window blinds…they just wait for the invitation.
Monsters under the bed..
**I’m afraid of the monsters in my head.
The truth is...
I simply want to kiss you as hard
As I possibly can...
Just to see if there is any....
The truth is....
I just want you to tell me
That you want to feel the same
I like the supervisor at my work.
He's nice and cute and listens to ****** indie music that Is intriguing. But I can't tell him because he is a supervisor.
Extra ****** olive oil was never the issue when you got back from that grocery store... You just couldn't see past the obvious.
Do you know what it's like to wake up screaming in terror?
Have you ever felt the need to just take the pain to all levels of intensities to just feel alive?
Have you ever just said... All I need is one more day to change this life... Just one more day that turned into years of self hatred?
No.. Cause I don't think you know what it's like to be full of harmful emotions like I do.
My conscience drips with self disgust that this alcohol can't hide anymore.
My wrists are full of scars I can't keep hidden with fancy blouses anymore.
My mouth is full of words that won't stay quiet, words that would chill your bones...
No.. It was never that extra ****** olive oil you bought that day that set me off...
Pierce the veil & boys night out helped with my train of thought
I remember photoshoots in my room making my parents take our pictures. I remember late nights conversations about cute boys & stupid friends. I remember passing notes & walking through the halls of high school.
See I remember you before you were on these anti anxiety depression medication. Before you decided you needed them to get by in life and I told you I. Understood. I said I still had your back no matter what.
Now you're a different person.
Now you lie about being so in love and so happy.
I try and tell you to get off those pills but you won't listen.
And so I ask... What happened to my best friend?
What happened to the carefree girl who went on adventures?
And I ask... If you're so happy why are you still taking those pills crying at night?
I miss my best friend.
I miss how you used to be now you're just so different.
Paint me the sunrise
Full of reds, pinks, and purples
Wih light clouds shaping the mountains hidden behind the rising suns glare as we drive towards the next adventure.
Yes.. Paint me a sunrise full of harmony
And watch as I fall head over heels
Beyond Madly in love
With nothing but
Whiskey kisses and drunken nights.
I was nothing more than a sad romantic novel on the back of your shelf.
Red lipstick smeared across my mouth.
I was nothing but your quickie on the side of the road.
You said "don't worry this will be over quickly"
I said " I hope you get hit by a ******* car."
You laughed with bitterness and said with one quick slap to my face "you're nothing more than whiskey kisses on the side of the road"
You left me stranded on the dirt road in a mini skirt and red lipstick on my face and a new black eye.
And I said, quietly to myself on this old abandoned road in the middle of nowhere, "I hope I get hit by a ******* car"
Trying something new.
Simplicity* was never our strong suit... We fought all the time.
It was always over the little things-- the wrong dish detergent, laundry, life?
Couples fight, sure, and love was supposed to be able to heal that but what happens when love is not enough?
What happens when your heart leans in one direction and his already flew off to the other side of the country?
Timing* was never our thing... We always fell in love at the wrong time...
It was always a battle with you -- I didn't love you enough or you didn't love me and it was exhausting..
You were so exhausting.
Because you had to have things perfect right?
Like those fairytales... Except sweetie, you're not a prince and you've lost that charm.
I'm also not a princess and I make mistakes... I make them regularly..
And so I asked you, what happens when love isn't enough to heal this heartbreak?
*You walked away.
I see you at the drive through with that silly bow tie & I don't get tongue tied because I don't know you and I told everyone I think you're interestingly cute not on a *******'re so hot shallow way but unique. I don't know you & I'm not infatuated with you I just find you interesting.
It's cold outside I can tell winter is sadly making it's way in this desert town and I have to warm my car up in the morning... What a drag.
I'm lost right now I just want to spill my guts out to some random person about my life and I hope they can make sense of how completely confused I am... I think this Is a journal entry rather than a poem.
My best friend and I aren't speaking & I got so drunk I texted the boy I'm madly in love with twice in the most pathetic fashion and woke up with a hangover and some shame and drove over to Starbucks walked inside to see the guy with that silly bowtie.
I have to get out of Reno.
I need a fresh start so bad. Somewhere where people don't know my name
Her lips red like cherries
tasting slightly of dried blood.
Drift with me like foam on the open sea.
Follow me through mystic woods where animals flee.
Love with me like the sun loves the moon.
Sleep with me from midnight to noon.
Vagabonds and gypsies let's make this life count for something!
We are the golden ones who stand for nothing.
Sway with me in the open wind near the bonfires made of laughter and secrets.
Breathe with me as we watch sunsets that help us forget the regrets.,
We are the dawns fading into daylight.
We see the fallen ones searching for dreams in times of spite.
There was nothing these old love letters could do to soothe the pain I felt in my black hole of a heart...
The moon above me in the starry night sky filled with endless galaxies I've romanticized in my heartless mind.... They can't save me tonight.
I will parish under the ocean as I take deep breaths trying to grasp concept of your love that's drowning me slowly.
There was nothing these sappy love songs & clever words from poets I've never met could do to save me from my ever wandering mind.... I've wandered to far off the tracks... Lost is an under statement.
But tonight I ask the green weeping Willows and the bright tulips to take my heart and show it peace.
I ask for forgiveness from friends and family, from the moon and the stars, from the deep blue ocean; please forgive my sadness.
And with one final kiss goodnight I'll say goodbye to my ever wandering mind and black hole of a heart... I'm finding peace in myself.
Clever words are for clever people.
I just want the ocean near me to drown my pain.
I want city sounds to drown the voices telling me to die.
I want the green trees to show me the beauty I can't find in this desert town.
Silence never comes fast enough...
My honest mouth is going to get me in trouble.
"It would be so easy to fall for you"**
The words he said flowed like rivers... smooth and quiet.
He was charming and eccentric about his feelings... they took you off guard most of the time.
He was the character you fell in love with in the romantic books you read...but he was the one in the background who never got the girl.
He knew there wouldn't be anything more than friends between us and yet he pushed and pushed.
I was never good with compliments.
I was never good with nice guys,.
I was never good with myself.
"I'm giving you this flower because although it hasn't quite bloomed it will and it will be beautiful inside and out... it symbolizes how I feel about you... you may not think you're bloomed yet but you will."
He had a way with words.. they reeled you in and made you dizzy and confused.
He asked me to change my mind to give him a chance.
And I just seem to be distancing myself even more.
I was never good with compliments.
I was never good with nice guys.
I am not good with myself.
It was almost cannibalistic the way I wanted to rip your clothes off and lick you from head to toe.
It was almost sadistic the way you smiled at me as you let me unbutton each button on that red flannel shirt I just can't resist.
It was almost humorous the way you grabbed my hair and slowly but roughly lifted me from my knees... Lips pressing hard against mine.
Hot and Sweaty.
Gasping for Breaths; begging for one more kiss.
It was almost troublesome how I just stopped giving a **** and let you do what you wanted... I wanted to be used and abused.
There was something wrong in the way I couldn't say no that night.. but they way you moved your body... It was fascinating.
You're my obsession.
You're my complication.
You have me completely enamored with everything you do.
It was almost depressing the way you just walked away and left me on the ground.. naked and vulnerable.
It was almost demanding the way I felt the urge to get up and beg you to stay one more night.
It was almost pathetic the way I kept letting this happen every other week...
You're an *******.
I hope you had a really great time.
Watching shadows dance across the room I want to tell you I'm angry with you but for some reason my mouth is silenced for once. The past comes and goes in flashes that tell me there was always something wrong from the start... and my hands wont stop shaking. You let the rain wash our love away and you let the snow freeze the love in your heart. You let the summer disappear with the changing of the seasons and I have never understood completely why it was called Fall until you came around and left me on the ground. Intoxicated by the alcohol that's thinning my blood and killing my liver I drowned you in expensive liquor. I let the trees change and the snow fall because what was I supposed to do.. beg you to come back?
I was never that type of girl.
I like the rush of a first date.
The hyperventilating before you decide there is no way you can eat because **** if you puke before you get a kiss from this guy.
The running around like a chicken without a head trying to find that cute dress you know you bought last week ******!
The failure of getting your makeup just right instead getting it all over your **** face and hands and sink and clothes... then having to change again.
The waiting by the door or on the couch in your room unable to think of anything to talk about and wondering what time in the night you'll make an *** of yourself.
Or the moment he knocks on the door and you take one last breath before answering and having the most ridiculous grin on your face just to see he has the same stupid smile and sweat on his forehead knowing he probably went through the same **** you did.
You're like my favorite flower...
I could look at you all day and you'd just get better each second.
You're like the rain on a sunny day...
It sounds so sad but it's the freshest break in summer.
You're the perfect memory; the one I'll never forget nor want to lose.
I could go on for days about your handsomeness and even your flaws and it still wouldn't be enough to describe....
How perfectly suited we are for each other or
How perfectly enamored with every single piece of you I am...
It's that time of year again when the snow falls slowly from the open sky & the cold blocks the happiness in my mind.
It's the time of year people cuddle with their partners & drink hot coco while I shiver in bed alone.
The season of joy is the most painful season for me to be alive.
It's the time when your birthday is and Christmas; when kids get gifts & lovers love.
I want to be strong this year for myself.
But it's just so cold outside as I draw in the frost on my window.
I want to let it not bother me that I know you're with someone holding her hand kissing her frozen lips smiling under the snowflakes....
It the time of year when the snow falls slowly and I'm sitting alone reading old romance novels trying to make sense of my pitiful life.
Awkward side glances we tried so hard to never make eye contact it was almost as though we knew this would happen.
You asked was this pity on you?
I said never.
You said I could never love you.
I said forever.
You had dead eyes the night before I moved away-- more like ran away.
You asked what happened to you & I?
I said nothing great..
You said you never meant to make me cry..
I said it was already to late.
Awkward goodbyes and romance that faded too fast it was almost as though we knew this would happen..
Chaos brewed in my heart with each sip of that sweet, sweet poison.
When I'm sober I feel pain.
Tragedy fell in love with the Sinner across the room he led her straight to hell with one breath of cancerous smoke.
When I'm sober I feel...
Hope will lead me to my demise and I'll fall head first into the darkness surrounding his heart.
When I'm sober...
Blurry vision an slurred words he took my hand lead me down the rabbit hole laughing through the dark tunnels.
Tears running down her face Tragedy waited for her Sinner to come back to stop the sobering pain she started to feel...
He was one of those 'Die Hard Romantic' types of boys.
He had an old soul; he liked old Jazz and Shakespearean Plays.
I found I could never fall in love with those boys though.
I was too independent... I didn't like boys catering to me.. begging to do things for me.
He was so sweet... He had a poetic spirit about him.
He told me once that I smelled of the rain... which made me feel good but so sad.
I found there was nothing I could do to change how I felt about him.
He was just a friend... and I know that hurt him.
He told me about a girl he loved.. he said "you know after 5 years of waiting... I deserve more than a half assed hug and an awkward goodbye"
He was moving soon... this would be our last goodbye as well and he just wanted to know if there would have been a chance had I not been emotionally distraught.
I told him there could have been.
But he's just a friend.
It's high tide and rising sending me signs it's once again time to escape.
I had to follow the beating muscle in my chest.
I talk a lot and I dream more than that; it makes people scared.
I don't need to rely on someone for love; but I so love love.
I am losing people I once called my friends due to their lack of faith in themselves.
I refuse to stand up for any of you any longer.
I'm taking the high roads to avoid the flooding waters below... And oh the beauty up here is grand.
As I wander, hoping to get lost soon, I see the autumn colors, the winter blues, the spring blooming, and summers dry heat.
I am on my own adventure and for once I feel the peace I've been dreaming of.
I've said out with your negativity and back in with the positivity I once felt a longtime ago.
And I ask but one thing of you...
Don't dwell on the sadness as long as I did for it will drown you before you can ask for help...
I fell in love with the last drop of that bottle of wine you ... It was the nicest gift you ever gave me.
I fell in love with the boy I used to date right after you stopped talking to me... Or so I told you.. Truth is I have loved him all along...
You brought me down to my lowest point but now I'm bringing myself up alone.
See he didn't love me as much as I loved him and I didn't love you like you thought I did.
All those lies you told were just a great way to show me what an ******* I really am... Thanks for that!
And it's okay now.. Because it been a year since you & I talked and it's been since July since he and I talked and I guess... I guess I was just dancing around the truth.
You both were bad news... And I let my walls break with you guys... But now I'm getting them re built with more strength than before.
I am worth more than some ****** *** and a kiss in the morning.
I am worth more than false promises of marriage and happiness.
I am worth more than my self doubt tells me I am.
I guess I just want to say thanks to you both for showing me a few things I needed to know about my self.
Just about two boys who broke me down to my lowest point. Also trying to bring myself back to positive again...
I ran across the open sea holding tightly to the flames that lit the inside of my palms. I fought the giant sea monsters who were lords to the dark abyss I found myself in love with.. I overly obsess about drowning in the sea. You wore a white robe with gold etched Into the palms of your light colored hands.. You held them to me begging for me to let you in...
But I ran across the raging waters that kept me hostage mentally and physically. I let the ocean take my heart and fill my lungs with painful salt water. I let myself fall into the trap of the raw beauty above the waters not fully understanding the rage below. I let you float away as I let myself drown. I let my fire burn out while your gold etched skin stayed bright and beautiful till the end of time..
And I let the sea take me captive for the last time.
It felt something like falling off your bed in the middle of the night
You just wake up not quite sure what happened.
I woke up in the hospital.
They asked me if I knew where I was and what happened to me
I said I couldn't recall exactly what happened
But I thought I had an idea.
They said you tried to **** yourself again last night your roommate found you
She called 911 said there was a lot of blood
I guess I saw that coming.
It felt sort of like a dream I told the therapist later that week...
I felt like all the stress just vanished!
I was finally at peace.
He told me life was hard and it would only get harder and asked if I would do it again?
I wasn't sure how to answer him
Honestly, I probably would.
I have to stop drinking again.
because I wake up with my head spinning, my stomach churning, and the acid in my heart threatening to eat through the flesh.
I have to stop crying again.
because I know you don't care, or the feel the same way anymore.
There are too many memories and why the hell did I think a bottle of wine would honestly help?
I have to stop drinking again.
before I turn back into the monster I hate or the person I tried my hardest not to become.
before I desire nothing but sitting at home drinking bottle after bottle wasting my life away.
As I sit here with my head in the toilet begging for mercy I pray to a God I don't believe in and I beg... I am begging to get the courage to let go of this life I have created...
I have to stop.
I can't remember the sound of your voice, well I can ever so slightly, and I can't remember the way you smiled at things... Those little things. I try to remember the way your lips felt against mine or the way you played with my hair but these memories are slowly fading.
love me I beg you.
leave me you say softly.
Cigarettes and coffee I'm slowly killing myself with caffeine and nicotine... Everything you hate. I can't sleep anymore, the nightmares of our past fill my head, I just remember so much.. But sometimes it feels better to just give in.
i want to die I whispered to an empty room.
i need you in my life I cried to an empty room.
My friends laugh at me... I have always been so independent except when you come around.
I lose control.
I lose rationality.
I lose all emotions besides lust and love... I become so weak
And I just want you to know... i love you
Even though you'll never realize how much... I truly love you.
When the lights go out your voice fills my ears as you whisper how much you can't stand who I've become-
You told me once I needed to get my **** together and I laughed it off because I had no idea what to say-
You told me I changed; I was no longer happy & carefree but alone and sad inside my head-
I smiled and said you were crazy then went home and cried myself to sleep with the truth inside my heart-
I had this dream you would be the one to free me from the horrors I created for myself-
I had a thought you'd help me change my ways.. Make me a better person again-
But you're just like the rest of them; judgmental and rude-
You're lies of love deep through my heavy heart and fill my head with migraines I don't need-
Your words of truth make sure I remember each flaw I have-
And those beautiful green eyes haunt my dreams when the lights go out-
She danced over waterfalls with the moonlight making her milky skin glow.
Singing the night sing she spread her wings and burst into the flames of the Phoenix being reborn into beauty.
Morning came to early and her eyes held a tiny bit of sadness but she kept dancing through the golden rays.
Love was her name and madness was her favorite game.
Russian roulette never stood a chance against her and her gun.
As the night fell making way for a new time, a new day, she smiled on and held her head higher then the moon and the sun.
Love was the one.
I want to lie in fields of daisies with you staring at shooting stars that pass us by. I want to talk about Jupiter's moons and Saturn's rings like we know what we are talking about. I want to sit on top of sky scrapers counting all the red cars that pass us by. I want to travel to distant lands with foreign languages and be people we aren't just for a little while. I want to make the best romance novels jealous of our love and passion. I want to make the moon jealous of the sun and the rain jealous of the clouds. I want them to build statues of us and tell stories to children to let them know a love like this existed. I want to kiss your eyes shut and hold your hand while I listen to you sleep next to me. But more than anything else I want to love you & you love me to infinity & beyond.
You are cold water rushing over my head threatening to drown me or freeze my lungs with salt water... whichever sounds more painful. You are cold hands wrapped around my neck and black eyes that stand out for longer than a week. You're those hot summers full drought and there is no water anywhere in sight leaving me parched, begging for death. You're the last dance and the lack of kiss goodnight. You're the bad taste in my mouth as I silently keep begging for more because like one of my favorite novels told me once
we accept the love we think we deserve.
I wanted to **** time with you until my head spun around and around with dizziness that you make me feel.
But by the end of the night we sat awkward and drunk counting the minutes till sunrise when I could sober myself up to drive home...
You said you no longer wanted to be alive.
I told you you were just drunk and I loved you.
You yelled at me from across the table asking so many questions I couldn't answer and I just cried.
Because I loved you so much... And I wish I could give you a mirror to show you how I enamored every single piece of you.
And I would write you letters every day telling you how amazing you are in every way.
I would kiss you every hour, every second of the day if it would bring you out of this funk.
Instead we sat at your dining room table staring at each other with sadness and fear... Drunk and reminiscing the better days... Eating Mac n cheese...
I will love you till the day I die and beyond.. As pathetic as it may seem.
There was something beautiful in the way we held hands on the beach that day like nothing was wrong..
It was cold and windy and the waves crashed around us so dangerously... but you were so perfect...
I have never loved and lost someone as perfectly deceiving as you.
"You know I love you right?" you asked me that so carefully with sadness filling in your green eyes.
I answered honestly, "No.. I don't."
You squeezed my hand and we watched the waves crash around us secretly hoping one of us would let go and walk into the sea and just drown.
**You know I love you right?
You were brutally honest and assertive as well as terribly rude.. and yet I loved it.
I loved how you never admitted you were wrong and just went with it like nothing had happened... It was kind of cute for a while.
I think back to the days of learning each other inside and out... the way our bodies connected was anything but innocent.
You had green eyes and sandy blonde hair that was wavy when you let it grow out.
You had such a way of walking with your head held high it was almost a turn on the way your confidence shown through.
But it was all a lie. You are the most perfect liar.
You were hiding behind those demons you so enthusiastically put me down for having myself.
You were hiding behind self pity that you constantly reminded me of in myself.
You couldn't admit you were wrong because you are a coward. I told you I felt like this was a game... you were so angry that night because I had finally stood up to you.
I told you I wouldn't do this again until you committed... and you sat there staring at the wall fuming... but never said one word... and you watched me walk out the door.
I left. I went home and I cried for hours and yet you never called.
I build those walls back up just to make myself stronger for the moment... and I went one with life.
I saw you a year later.. you looked so confident still... except to me.
I saw the fear in your eyes when you caught my glance.
I saw you catch your breath finally, secretively, admitting you were wrong.
And I smiled... I smiled at walked away...and I knew...
I knew I had finally won.
I stand alone, sea sick, on this voyage through the firey pits of my self destructive mind.
I see the waves crashing back and fourth as I think about you and what you're doing over there on the east coast.
I see the fire rise in my chest when I remember you have my heart out there in the green fields of North Carolina.. And I wonder... Can I have that back?
You see you never did understand the concept of one and one makes two... It was more of one times one.
You never could grasp my love for you was so extreme I could barely walk talk or act when you came near.
There are nothing but grey clouds threatening to take down this ship I call My Life.
And as the ship makes it's way through the rough water treading water barely staying afloat, I start to sink... But what did you expect from a girl with anchors on her feet?
My first mate jumped **** back east and here I stand watching him paddle to shore without a wave farewell.
There was something so delicate in the way she told me she was scared; it was almost hypnotic.
She was a liar.
It was beautiful the way she held her head high and took the punishment she knew she would get; it was terrifying.
She was a fighter.
The day she took that fist and punched that girl was the day I knew I had lost her; She wasn't innocent anymore.
She was trouble.
We were never close ya know? We never said 'I love you' or 'Have a great day' no... we were just there.
She was gone.
But today I felt bad... I wanted to tell her it would be okay and that she could get out of this rut if she wanted to... but I knew that wasn't happening.
She was changing.
She would turn into our mother soon.. a lowlife nothing.
There was something painful watching her grow up..
Because as much as I wanted to hate her for who she became...
*She was my sister.
I wish things were different for you... you don't have to be her.