I have so much to say
but I can't write it down
thoughts are spiraling through my ears and into
my eyes but my hands
cannot translate
the murky, opaque chain of consciousness
weaving in and out of view.
I'm frothing, bubbling
ready to burst, to sing to something.
I'm trying to write words I know but
is a name
a word.
My rule is that I don't write names, it's cheating.
Names are far more powerful than words and name has a story
a background a connotation an emotion a lump in my throat when you stopped staying.
And if "you" is a pronoun and and a name is a proper noun does the extra "per"
mean the name takes up more percent in my mind?
I have so
much
to say.
Nothing is working just words, no proper ones.
I see it. I see what I feel and I feel it. I feel what I see.
I can't write it.
It feels like a warm ocean, unexpected, nice, then suspicious.
It feels like someone took the blood from my veins and replaced it with liquid doubt
now pulsing through every artery.
It feels like a favorite toy being glued back together. Still beloved, but never the same.
It feels like drowning.
It feels like falling.
I have so much to say.
Take my hand.
And help me.
*please

When I was admitted to the hospital 1 month ago in as inpatient, there was a 17 year old girl, lets call her sunshine, (I decided to call her this while telling this story so I would not give away her real name). I was always full of energy when all the patients did groups on self esteem and such, or played cards in the unit lounge. But inside I was dying, to get out of there, and dying to die. Sunshine was there for drug overdose, similar to me. Things she said always brightened my day, made me happy inside and out, she's a sweetheart. We had to do a "check-in" sheet every morning at 9am, after breakfast. It asked us various questions such as, "Rate your mood from 1-10", "Name three positive things that happened yesterday", "What's your goal for today and three ways you can achieve it?". Sunshine always had the same answer for the last question, "Just be". Her ways to achieve it were "Peace, love and good vibes". The staff never liked her answers. She did have her violent days, but she did have a positive impact on everyone around her. I love her so much, I don't know what I'd do if she wasn't at the hospital when I was. When you have nothing left, "Just be"

I think
I'm finally
In a place
Where being so sore
That walking up
A flight of
Thirteen stairs
Makes my legs burn
Feels good to me.

They say I'm getting stronger.
I think they're right.

Cast your eyes down from the shooting stars;
I am everything you have been wishing for.

I am everything your father does not want you to bring home
and everything your mother wishes your father was.

I **** like you wish your boyfriend could
and my tongue will sing you a song until your abdomen explodes.

My writing causes girls to cry like all the boys wish theirs could
and the pain in your chest will recede with every kiss I give you.

I fight better than my father and his father, all the way to Cain.
only, God won't see what I've been doing and He will not forgive me for it.

Simple soft songs
hum the rhythms
summer evenings, steel blue skies
soft pink the skin of honey blossoms in the wind
lily white throats curve to catch

Warm feet bare to the earth
Sink in the mud
Run
Spin with the wind the heavy curtains of rain
hide the soft green shoots of grass
obscure all things past to mist and cool water

Wash away sharp city skylines
replace them with lush curves
Scrub the touch of vengeance and mercy
leave only the lightning, and the taste of rain filled air
Flickers of florescent lights like purple paints
every small pain soaked up like a sponge
seeps from skin I had thought broken
bruised against the rocks cut against the teeth
now healed
soft golden glistens the sunset through the storm off of
blue veins like vines
silver echoes

Leaving only the rain
and the eyes in the dark
the hymn of those set free

I was so tired of reading this so I deleted the poem sorry....

You're like a shooting star
Always near from afar
I know you are
Always there