I know you're somewhere out there
You're just not here

And that speaks volumes

I was tempted to actually eat
A whole meal today,
No junk food or nibbles
And the crumbs of forgotten food

But I'm full on eating my self esteem away

And the convince store snacks
Taste better coming back up,
Steaming pile on the frozen ground
Mixed with alcohol because

I can eat my self esteem away but
I can't seem to drink the fact
You don't care away

You don't owe me anything,
I can never change what I've done

But hey,

When I keep my head up
It's in the midst of the night,
Face soaked and cold from tears
Laughing at the night sky
Above the *****
Stumbling around,
Cleaning off my mouth and the snot

Because
I am
Completely
Alone

Your eyes
Are
The answer
To
The riddle

Also,
"You're so
Fat and ugly
Why even bother?"

It's a favorite song
I hope you dance to it
With them forever long






So why do I lie here?
Thinking you're still there
Like good would always care

It's no surprise
I ruin everything in my life

But I remember that discussion
Of tattoos and such

And I know that tattoo

Lights fade off and on,
You owe me absolutely nothing

But from my last go around,
It's clear to see I'm on the right track

I'll never get to tell you I'm sorry
You were the first person I intentionally hurt,
A start of an era I will never be proud of

You were my first regret,
My first clusterfuck of a mistake

I'm sorry

Does that only apply to me

Or

Do you not understand

Everything has repercussions?

Give me what you think,

You'll get yours.

To feel like I don't
have to question my self worth,
to wonder if I'm enough.
To see it in your eyes,
to feel it in your touch
and hear it in your words.
To finally trust again,
making silly markings on myself
a total waste of time.
To find the one
that makes me want to
brand my body with beautiful things,
no longer the inevitable
depressed coloring.
Will it take my breath away?
Will it be extraordinary?
They say that if you thought
you found your true love who
didn't turn out to be it,
could you only imagine the utopia
of finding the real one?
I thought but didn't find the one.
I know what it feels like to spend
lifetimes regretting what ifs.
Isn't it time?
Don't we all deserve that feeling?

And when we get there,
After I follow you of course,
Maybe I'll cut you in half
with the past and the present,
Such great force.
Or maybe I'll just let you believe
that what you did,
makes you
better than me.

A burst of energy and I'm alive,
My self esteem comes out of hiding
I'm floating on the surface
With the help of a form of aqua
No one hears me,
No one sees
I'm in the middle of a sea
I created myself
Am I dead?
I feel it in my bones,
I should be dead and gone
Life feels worthless when you're alone
I just want a sign,
A reassurance that there is a reason
I'm still alive

Nephew*
That's the name of the game.
Nose Go
That's how you start.
One two worded hint
Worthless ******.
The rules are simple.
There is only one rule
It's a delight to break,
Hard to forget when implanted.
You can collect dust in your room
Or spend time with your family.
You can explore,
Foot accessible form.
You can do anything.
But you can't sit around and play rewind.

Of the strob lights,
Hands in the air.
She's a queen working hard for that money.
And you sit alone,
Drink the nastiest thing to ever be created.
You go home alone to the sound of a scream.
Dear God, here.
Take it. Take the ******* pack,
My father's car.
Point me in the direction to hit restart.

But not the point of laying in his room.
Dusty and grimy,
He can't even stand the sight of you.
But when he blows smoke into your mouth,
It's the only thing you have sustainable.
So you hold on.
And you walk in the summer heat,
You lose that weight.
But he isn't there.
And your eyes twitch.
No glass table is as fragile as your reputation.
And you're sitting in your yard,
The sun's going down.
It makes a grey and blue hue.
But not the same kind.

So let's go back more.

You're fourteen and you grab your crotch.
He rolls his eyes,
It's just a front.
He ties the knot and sits down.
There's so much to learn about him.
So you get up.
You follow him to the porch.
Is the rain cold?
Is the birds chirping?
Does your weight cause the gravel to squish louder?
You don't know.

Do you not get addicted to drugs?
Do you go to college?
Do you eat healthier?
Would you have been enough?

Wake up, Sleeping Beauty.

You bite your lip as he stands up,
Illuminated by the grey and blue flooding her room.
He was a ******* God to your innocence.
But you don't follow him.
The puff of cool morning air and the rain,
It would have been bigger than his.

And now?
  *Now you walk alone

They beacon with their call,
dont buy into it.
You're better than that.





(Or maybe 'that' is 'them'.)

Sunken,
pulsing black and blue.
It resides under
weak bones that ache
to be seen through
paper thin skin.
It has it's moments.
Blossoms beautiful flower's
into the ones it sees the pain it feels.
It has it's roots still there,
the young one you knew before.
The before it treated
every guy with the same make and model,
the way it treated you.
It's scarred and grotesque from
the way it won't trust anyone,
from the way it made you feel.
Is it worth to say the tears
you almost shed left
open, fleshy wounds on it?

I see the yellows and the reds,
is green still your favorite?
Blues shine brightly around it.
Could you have made it withstand time?
Would you have imagined the arm wrapped around it?
Sitting comfortably together,
would you have loved
the sound of my laugh,
seeping from around my hand,
echoing off the walls?
The walls with all the colors shinning on.

I know you
Four eyes
And a nerd
Heart tattoo

You knew me

And I wish I could
Say this to you

But maybe this isn't you
I hope you're happy and
I hope life is fulfilling

I hope you go to amusement parks
And listen to so much music
I hope you're full and
I hope they don't treat you

Like I did

Maybe I don't deserve to know,
Maybe I already do and I simply...
Just can't admit it to myself because
I stretch myself thin but
Not the thin guys like you like

Maybe I can't handle reality because
Everything is my fault as always
I want to play the victom but I lost it all,
From the way these hands move and
The words my mouth speak

Maybe I didn't understand the way you looked at me,
Maybe it was all just a fairytale dream
The kind where you were everything I needed
And I was somehow what you wanted

I can't let it go because you were the first.
The one I hurt most,
Not even a goodbye or a I wish you well
Line ending and so much left to say

Do you imagine it?
If I never met him and it was just us?
Would you have been strong enough?
Would I put my doubt aside and decide
To stay instead of just going?

I hope you found that peace,
I dream they give it to you
And all of your days,
I hope you remember me
And maybe wonder if I'm doing okay

The first poem I had ever written
hangs in a frame in the den.
My father shows it off proudly,
I just think it's lousy.
Did you read it?
It wasn't for you.
I was a junior,
he filled my life with humor.
Could it have been about you?
Would I still roll my eyes
and constantly ask my dad why
he has to show it around?
Now I write mostly about you
and this constant feeling
of heartbreak that I go through.
They say life isn't fair.
Looking back at your stare,
I can now only agree.

To fill the mouth
with thousands of seas
only to be met with more thirst.
To have the world
fall onto your brain,
filled with knowledge of the unknown.
To lay awake
reminiscing of all the
things you took for granted,
while they sleep peacefully.
To wobder when
being fully dressed before
presenting yourself in front of a mirror
will no longer be a necessity.
To thinking
you know so much but
knowing so little.
To beg like
the begger you mistook
them for.
To be all alone
and only wanting them,
no one to blame but yourself.
To cry out,
only met with silent,
cold, uncaring.
To spend lifetimes
wanting something that
never wants you.

I don't know you
And I never will
Maybe I'm crazy
And I look for the worst,
Maybe I expect nothing
But you were the last
To see me for who I am
And I can't start over,
I'd give anything to
But I have learned I
Am reckless just enough
I am unstable to make you walk away,
To give up on me
But you knew me just right,
To be caring enough
Wear your hoodie to review,
Everyone finds so much better
I am decayed
But I wish I could start over with you

He doesn't like preps

So you better watch where you step

If you don't have that type of skin

That isn't paper thin

And I'd roll up and say,

"Yo, *****"

But I'd prefer her any day

I don't understand
The conservative view on life,
Didn't mix with that vibe.
But I felt ration in 'sixteen,
took me back just past nineteen.
Hot coffe spilt,
our world was in tilt.
Collisions a moment ending,
no more room for griving.
One day I'll fall asleep,
but someone will be there to take the wheel to keep.

I'll put this all aside,
Write like it's you reading it
Time has a funny way to abide
So I hope you don't just sit
And watch it pass by

Still



Wondering



There



Buddy



???