I am exhausted
I just want some sleep
But all I could do
Is stay up writing
I've my computer
Equipt with music
And this website
I have nothing to fear
Other than the night
I just want to get some rest
Lay my weary head abreast
To whatever it is
I am attempting to achieve
I'm so tired,
Please let me get some sleep
Nothing has upset me more
When I am feeling stuff
That I can't ignore
But if I cannot identify these overwhelming feeling
That have all become one
Does that mean that they are really feelings
Or just exhaustion?
Please let me sleep
I'm so ******* tired
My eyes remain open,
Mind unflustered
I am feeling too much at the moment
Things that I cannot comprehend.
I should put down my computer
And just go to bed
But I can't
Because I am feeling something I cannot name
And the tears that I long for
Never came
I just want to know
What it is I'm feeling
And why it is I feel this way
I want to know
If this stupid feeling
I have had so many times before
Is here to stay
Please let me sleep
Mind, let me go
Brain, will me to be free
I just want to get some sleep

I don't feel anything right now
Not a distinction of pain or sorrow
Nor a tad bit of happiness, let alone glee
I'm sorry to say that I feel nothing

The fake words upon your lips
Beckon me closer to everything that is you
Pulling me into a world
That is drenched in blue

Nothingness creeps upon me
Like an unrelenting stalker
I am the goal, I'm what it wants
All nothing wanted to do was feel

When the night is over
And we are no longer young
I want to remind you of the days of nothing
And all of what you've done to me

Tiredness is okay
Don't feel bad if you are tired at the end of a long day
Lay down in your cozy bed
Let the covers drown you in laziness
If you are tired rest
Because you deserve it

No one wants to hear the truth
About the people behind the words

The singers who hide themselves
Amongst their guided armor of hurt

The poets whose pain drips from their pen
Their everlasting sword

The writers whose stories are
Really not that fake

Tell me when you want to hear the truth
I will speak it to your face

Instead of talking behind your back
Instead of making your heart ache

Don't tell me all the things I want to hear
Because the only thing that I want to hear

Is the truth from your very lips

Why do we let rough love
Into our lives
Just laugh when it's a person we know
A person who we love

Why do we see people with bruises
And just walk by
Not think about them
For the rest of our loving day?

When your sister wears big sunglasses
And your brother wears long sleeves
When your mother starts smoking
To dull the pain
Why do we walk away?
Why do we shut them out
Because the abusers
Are "good people"
And the abused "must have done something wrong"

So tell me,
Why the hell do we accept
"Rough love?"

The silvery light bouncing off the water traps me in its low-lit love
I'm tired of standing here
Light-headed with an empty heart
Buckling under the pressure of my ache
I don't know why I ache, can't find a reason, really
I've been trapped in your silvery light
For all of this time
But it turned less into love
And more into fondness
And all that was there retreating
Decrepit feelings
Weak with age
Until I start to lose everything
It starts feeling like there was nothing there to begin with
Like all of a sudden
I'm up here
And you're gone
And all the steps we built
Have disappeared
And I'm falling
Like Wylie Coyote off a cliff
In that stupid show
Then I get it
He spent all that time
Building all those steps
Then he falls
Into nothing
No wonder he's angry

Soft high voice
Embodiment of childish I
He reminds me of when I was happy
That's why I like him
He reminds me if young innocence
That was so long ago lost

I carry the last name
Of a man who violated me
They didn't change my name
Because I was too young
To speak the truth
About what happened to me

But when you're three
And you're talking about things
You don't learn about until you're 11
People should believe you, right?

The court smiles at me, a menacing grin
As they tell me 'you're ****** for sure'
And then they walk away
Satisfied with their case

And here I am now
Writing that name on papers
Because they need my last name
But I don't belong to that name
Not does it belong to me

You can't hold me hostage with your name
You can't tell me that I'm crazy
That I'm lost my head
But what you can do is **** right off
And take your name with you

I hate this last name
That I have for the rest if my life
I hate this name you gave me
Along with your abuse

Writing with disgust
Everytime I write that stupid
Last name
Your name

All of the deleted poems
All of the time I spent crying over the fact
That my poems weren't good enough
All the time that I felt helpless
Because I couldn't find a future in what I want to do
All of that time I wasted on hoping
That all of these words
And lines
Would be more than just a hobby
All of the incoherent mumbling in my head
Telling me what the next verse should be
All of it
But what's it to me?

There is so much washing over me
Some good
Some bad
Some leaving scars all over my body
Like stretch marks clawing at my hips
There is too much there
My body has too much emotion
And not enough of anything else
My gasoline
Is now too much feeling
Like a phone getting hot when it had to much charge
Not explosion worthy
But **** close
There is just too
That's what I imagine
That's what I call this feeling
Too
Making more stretch marks
All around my head
A swelling and
And more scars around my heart
Clawing
As if what ever was hurting me
Was on the outside
It's just too
And that's all I know
Too much
Too little
Too bad
Too
Too much, then not enough
My breaths get deeper
Too deep
Seething, everything but my mind running my body
Too, that's all

Everything is dark
Where has it all gone?
What has happened?
What have I done?

I cannot see
And I am afraid of being blind
The world seems to be fading away
My eyes are taking longer
And longer to focus

Mom, I'm getting scared
Why can't I see
For more than two feet
In front of me?

I cannot look down without not seeing
When I look up
Now I'm stuck with a dark world
Just because I looked down

Have I just hit a demographic
That thinks something is what it's not?

I'm tired if getting your likes
Your loves, your haves and have-nots

I didn't write it in the way that you think
I didn't mean to say those things

Why do you like it?
My mediocre poem?

Is it because it means self destruction?
And you like it as so?

I'm sorry that I don't understand
Why you like my poem

When there was nothing to like
About what I wrote

To be brave
Doesn't mean that you aren't scared
It means that you're terrified
And you've realized your fear
It doesn't mean that you have conquered it
In many of your brave battles
Fear still resides in your heart
Rowing without a paddle

To be brave
Isn't to be feared
It means that you can be pathetic
It means that you are scared
But bravery also means
That you have made up your mind
That you will tell your fears to just back off
Just for this short amount of time
Tell them to leave you alone
Because I have a stage to steal
Tonight, the world is all mine

To be brave
Really means that you were scared
And despite that fear
You did what needed to be done
To protect and save
The people that you loved
Even if this task might lead to death
You know at least
You tried to save someone.

I told him the other day what I was feeling
He looked me in the eyes and left me where I was standing
He has a way of making me smile
While I cry on the inside
And the odd ability of making me mad
When I'm ecstatic just to be in his space

It felt so good to finally be known
Even if was right in front of his girl
But what do I care
When the feelings I have eat me up
I have to say something before I am eaten alive
And it that is telling you that I love you
That's just what's going to happen

I'm in a land where the skies are dark in summer
And the walls are painted black
You are told to go to this world and never to turn back
You look up to the sky to find the sun has been painted red
And wake up to find yourself resting in your bed

You've made your bed of hopes and fears
Never to return
To that awful place of dread and tears
Yet still you yearn
For the days when you could find yourself
Within that black hole called sleep
And to feel the ebbing
And let yourself be engulfed into the eternal sea of dreams

The happiness I found
Is within the soft strokes
Of ukulele strings
The strangely melodic singing
The whistling in the background
The simple meanings that are so much more
The way each note resonates
Into the very next
In the ukulele
I found happiness

Thank you for liking my poem
Thank you for saying that I'm good
Thanks for all you have done
When no one else has done anything for me before
Thanks
Is all I have to say

Looters break down the doors
Of I shop owners
And expect that this will help
I am too tired to say
That this is unnecessary
This is not a fiction book
And we can't destroy the country
That we are trying to fix
This all needs to be organized
And systematic
Because that is how we get the people
Who really are the bad guys
We dig deep and find who they are
Then we find out how to take them down

Blues and greens
Soft and hard,
cold and warm
Brightly gleaming
Looking pretty
They are so cold
Just like winter
Making skin look pale
And snow every whiter
Blues and greens
Obsession like fire

Am I too strong
To need a person to lean on?
Am I too strong
For people to love me?
I am too strong?

What if I just need something
What if I just want to let it out?
Would you think that I was strange?
Would you think I am irregular,
That I need to man up
Just like I always do?

Am I too strong?
Do people not see that I am human
Like everyone else?
Why do people think
That I am strong
When in reality, I am not.

The darkness wraps around me like a long lost cloak
The night is young, the night is old
I wandered the woods many a night
The tree bows gently touching my hair
They pat my head and tell me that everything is okay
The night is my escape of inescapable pain

We write of things we have not experienced because it sounds good on paper and we live through our work. I write in the night to inform poets like me that you can make it,and there is hope for you. After all there is hope for everyone, is there not? I am alone in my bed, writing on a phone because I got the sudden urge to tell all of you, that anything can happen. That you can become a poet or a writer,that your work is really quite good, and nothing is the same as you.

Tired
Drooping eyelids
Quivering lips
I fall asleep
Even though I'm in chains
My weary head rests on your lap
I assure you
That I am a sound sleeper
So if something happens I won't wake
Tears fall from my eyes
Dripping onto you jean-clad legs
I am sorry that I feel this way
People don't hold me close
The only human life forms
That have loved me
Were in my family
And even then barely
So sorry for crying
Even whilst I'm *'asleep'

In all honesty
I don't know what I want
I want for death and to be all the things that I'm not
but if I am then all the things that I'm not now
and I still wish that I was something else...
what do I really want?
and how do I keep the idea long enough to hold it down?
the truth is...I don't

Warm skin
Irregular heart beat
That's the trouble with smart watches,
Isn't it?
But I've been deprived of touch
For so so long
You feel...
Electric
Like all of your body is coursing with static
Each time we touch, a shock
Someday, your fingers will graze my forehead
When you sweep hair out of my eyes
And I'll smile, so will you
Then you'll shock me again
I've been away from warmth so long
That yours
Feels like standing next to the sun

People have seen with me
With my short dyed hair

But they haven't known me
And they are already avoiding me

I don't know
What they think of me

But I bet it goes something like this:

"I bet she hasn't a home to go to after this"

"Oh, the poor dear looks horrible,
I am glad I never looked like that"

" What drugs is this freakaziod on? "

" What was she thinking? "

"    Why is she like that?     "

But I have always wondered,



"               Why do they care?              "

You left your mark
And inky black stream covering my heart
You pierce my skin with your needle
And let the ink run wild
As I ran away and found your tattoo
Right in front of my eyes
This tattooed love
Was not what I wanted
This inked mark
That makes me yours
Is a curse that will follow me
Wherever I go

I never wanted this tattooed love
That hurts me more than anything
A bullet hole would hurt less
But I worked hard for this
I thought that this was what I needed
But I guess....
I could be completely wrong

Sorry, I'm out of emotion to put into my poems
I'm done writing because I am too tired to think of a plot
Rhyming is to hard to do and I have no idea what next
But I'm just out
That's all I can say
I have nothing to say
No more to feel
And the cold hand knocking on my door
Hasn't evoked any fear

I wish that I wasn't out
I wish there was something
To keep me from breaking down
But alas, I shall just sit here
Out

Her eyes were coals
Lit up by the fire within
Her mind was a cave
Dark and twisted
She burned like an ember
When she knew she was being wronged
I wish you were here to see what you've done

Her red hair
Compliments her seemingly frozen soul
Not even the warmest fire could save her
Don't say I didn't say so
She is broken to a point of no return
She is the immortal problem
The ally
The villain
The shapeshifter

You said goodbye
You told me to leave
I skulked away
Hoping that you would find me
But you stayed there
And watched me cry
But little did you know
The memory of you was about to die

I never got to say goodbye
As the memory of you faded away
It was to late
As you slipped from my mind
I should say good riddance
But now all I want to do is say goodbye

My heart
Is an empty glass
Transparent enough to see through
Though it is clouded by hate of judgement
And everything else
My heart is empty
And so is my mind

Too perfect
Too lovely
Too willing to die
She let death kiss her lips
Without saying goodbye

She said that everything was just too much
Her life was too hard
Everything was too challenging
Even when it wasn't

Too hidden
Too unseen
Beauty underneath
That will remain her majesties

When we are aiming for equality
And people really need it
Should we start pointing out the difference?
Why don't the signs say, "Lives Matter!"
Instead of something so specific.

The thing is, we are equal as humankind
But we are each so unique
So can we ever really achieve
This amazing thing called equality?

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
At all
Is coming to mind
All of the words
They mean nothing
None are wise
No rhyming lines
That seem clever
I have nothing today
And I suppose that is the way it should stay
Nothing
Forever
Nothing for any of the days
Not any more

Isolation Stage; the stage where the victim
is isolated from their family
their friends
everyone, until it is only them and the predator
You isolated them
You gave them no time
You manipulated them
To the point when they were no longer human
But a perfect little slave
This is the isolation stage
Watch your back

I suppose the meaning of life
Is something beyond
What any of us can understand
That we get lost amidst
The shooting stars
The bright lights
Then the shadows of life
Start to pull us into the night
But the meaning of life
Must be for people like me
And you
When we write poems
That help them to feel

I suppose the meaning of life
Is nothing more
Than get what you give
And love who you love
Live the life that you will always want

The meaning of life
Must be to learn
From mistakes past made
And fix the future
With our heart
The meaning of life
Must be to live it
Just as we are

I am not living in a book
Where there is always the perfect guy
The perfect story
And everything ends perfectly fine
I am in a nightmare,
The worst part is that I have no idea how I got there

I have fought until I was spent
My ashes floating in the wind
Until I realize that I am in a book
And not the kind that you want to be in

Life is an untold story
Unfolding on the path ahead of you
I am living through a pandemic
Tell me what you would do?
I am living in a book
Are you sure that you don't want to give it a quick look?

What is fame
But an excuse
To live on *******
Women
And whatever else you please
Depression
The pressure to please

Sure, everyone loves you
But you know they don't know you
And you're too high
To notice the people who do

Have fun on your next trip
You're flying high now
Life is pretty great
As long as you can't see straight
You love it like that
Life through a color-blurred film

What is fame
But to hate yourself
And hate life
And say nothing about it

Someday if you're lucky
You will find help
But for now,
You will just enjoy the next sip
The next lover
The next hit
The next lie

Sometimes
I will see a sharp thing
And ask myself
How I could smuggle it
To use on my skin
But then I remember that it's not okay
For me to do that
It's not okay
That I want to see blood flowing from my wounds
Just to embody
What is happening in my head
But I don't feel that kind of pain
And when a do
A sharp thing
Is no longer my escape

So I wonder why
I think so much about it
Too much about
I don't want to do that anymore
It has been romanticized way too much
To be broken and let some guy
Rescue you
I no longer find release in sharp things
Trust me

Tell them that I'm deranged
Because girls are so sexualized
It's always, "don't get *****"
Never, "don't be a ******"
It's always telling you "get out of the relationship"
Rather than "don't be an abusive ****"
Tell them
That I am ******
That women are shamed in their own bodies
Because boys were never taught to be respectful
Tell them that boys ******* aren't censored
And girls' are
Even though they are a baby feeding sack of fat
That doesn't have anything to do
With a boys' learning
Other than the fact that he wouldn't be able to learn
If it weren't for his mother who fed him
And more importantly gave birth to him
Tell them I don't want their sexist
And their shaming
And the fact that girls are still tearing each other down
When we are supposed
To be fighting on a united front

So don't tell me that I'm overreacting
When that's all you have ever said
I want rights,
And I want my daughters to grow up with them!
So don't ignore me when I tell you
That for a very long time
Women have not had a right
to ANYTHING at all

Respect is an odd thing
If a person demands respect
They usually mean to respect
Their authority
And treat them like a god
But when they say, "if you respect me, I'll respect you"
And they mean that you will treat them like a person
If you treat them like a king/queen
And everything is just jolly good
Because you respect them as an authority
And they treat you (almost)
As if you were a human being I mean,
It's just not fair
What some people call "respect"

She stood there
Wearing her gray garb
She looked at me
Almost wonder where you were
She didn't want to wear black
She didn't want to wear white
She has come to this place
Just enough times
To know that with it comes heartache
And pain
So on her wedding day
She decided not to wear white

The river flowing on my cheeks
Is drowning out the sounds
Of the apocalypse
With just the right kind
Of crying music

I've got music to my tears
That flows whenever
The dam decides to burst

The guitar is an effortless stream
While the soft bass is the rhythm of my heart
Music to my tears
The brushstrokes of my art

The sound waves flow
Through the earbuds
Protruding from under my shirt
Sending calming endorphins
And lovely drugs for my brain

Music to my tears
For the worse of fears

The corona
The atmosphere around the sun
Beer that is done
Virus that has swept
Through the streets
Of poor little America
We now hold the records
Of people who have the infection
And glory is, all of our working class has gone!
Where are these people?
What have you done?
Oh, I remember.
You gave us corona.
The atmosphere around the sun
Beer that is done
Virus that has swept
Through the streets
Of poor little America

"I'm not trying to play the victim,"
she said to her mother.
"I know, you never have." her mother said back
But my question is
Why didn't she play a victim
When we needed it
Why didn't she play the victim
When we couldn't pay the rent?
Why didn't she play the victim
When we couldn't get out of the lease?
Why didn't she play the victim
All those times
When we need her
To play the role?

"Def; the action of a person
preparing their victim for meeting
especially on the internet
or chat room with the intention
of committing a ****** offense"
So if I don't talk to you, that is why
Please don't contact me
Please don't talk to me
It is wrong to do this to someone
Don't ever do it
It is horrible
Don't talk to me
Just don't
You are not my friend
You do not know me
So back away from the "message" button
I don't want to talk to you
Know that I am prepared to fight
So don't ever talk to me
I am not your friend

Finding peace in silence
Is like finding hope in sadness
The only thing I have found in silence
Is that my own mind works in ways
That I can't understand
The only thing I have found in silence
Are brilliant words that have gone unsaid
The only thing I have found in silence
Is that when nothing makes a sound
Thoughts become far too profound
To ignore
Making silence as noisy
As a nice Nirvana song
That brings peace of mind
Because I know there people like me
That are as deeply ******* up

Silence is worse
Than the worst thing you've ever heard
Because in silence you can't hear
And the words people think
Forever going unsaid
I have missed many a great conversation
Because of this so-called "silence"
That everyone wants to keep

To me, silence is horrid
It is a waste of time
A waist of hope
Knowing that people want silence
I like to be left alone
But if there isn't a song
I am *******
Silence makes all the voices in my head louder
Makes all the logic smaller
Makes the living harder
So don't tell me to be silent
Because when you do
You are making my life
Completely
And utterly

IMPOSSIBLE

He had started using
When he was far too young
He was only a child then,
A child without love
His father had abandoned him
When really it was his mother
His father only left
Because he was being smothered

Later in the years,
He turned really bad
Getting on heavier hitting drugs
Until there was no pain to be had
He sulked and glowered,
Acted until he got his way
Now, he can't be numb
There is far too much pain

He hasn't come out of his room for months
He dropped 38 pounds
Because he wasn't loved
The boy now had a grey pallor
Sunken eyes
And a wilted smile
He has given up,
And he's is only 15
Too young to die

This is the stage that everyone knows
where the predator gets what he wants from the victim
this is the most commonly discussed stage
of ****** harassment
He touches you
Bringing you down
You can't feel anything but his hands
Reigning down on you facing
You can't remember a time
Where you weren't controlled by him
Because now there is him.
Only him