I'm in a land where the skies are dark in summer
And the walls are painted black
You are told to go to this world and never to turn back
You look up to the sky to find the sun has been painted red
And wake up to find yourself resting in your bed

You've made your bed of hopes and fears
Never to return
To that awful place of dread and tears
Yet still you yearn
For the days when you could find yourself
Within that black hole called sleep
And to feel the ebbing
And let yourself be engulfed into the eternal sea of dreams

I just want to tell you
That being destroyed
Emotionally torn limb from limb,
Is what I do best
So don't say I didn't warn you
When you fall down with me

it kills me when tears never spill
when that burning skin
starts to bother me
starts to feel like i should do something to tame it
it hurts
but i always stop
each time,
slightly more devoid of feeling
or at least the option to show it
maybe i shouldn't say sorry for the absence of feeling
maybe i should find a way to smile
but it's a lot easier to wallow
even if i know i shouldn't

Thank you for liking my poem
Thank you for saying that I'm good
Thanks for all you have done
When no one else has done anything for me before
Thanks
Is all I have to say

I've been dead for a while now
my body holding the crumpled black tar
leaking from my heart
my mind hides secrets
I never wanted to keep
never even wanted to hear in the first place
all of the lies people told
and others thought they were all true
maybe they're what killed me
the ache in my head
that can hurt me far too much
is a constant cacophony
someone is relentlessly playing
on a rusted trumpet of the apocalypse
I hope you know how much you hurt me
when you walked out that door
I hope it hurts you
to not even look back

Have I just hit a demographic
That thinks something is what it's not?

I'm tired if getting your likes
Your loves, your haves and have-nots

I didn't write it in the way that you think
I didn't mean to say those things

Why do you like it?
My mediocre poem?

Is it because it means self destruction?
And you like it as so?

I'm sorry that I don't understand
Why you like my poem

When there was nothing to like
About what I wrote

My heart
Is an empty glass
Transparent enough to see through
Though it is clouded by hate of judgement
And everything else
My heart is empty
And so is my mind

Meaningless
It's a word I seem to use a lot
When thinking about my life
And all of the words that I have yet to write
Everything that I've said
Meaningless
All of the looks I get
And all of their smilings starting to fade
Maybe I am no longer the kind person
That I once thought I was
The person that I might have been
I don't help people anymore
Instead, I am just toxic
Leaching people out because
Isn't it all meaningless?

Crystalline eyes
Clear as water
Clouded by drugs
Not knowing who she loves

**** turned into *******
And ******* into LSD
LSD into ****
And those crystalline eyes
Turned into methamphetamines

Crystalline eyes
Staring through me
Turned into rocks
Shrouded by a fog of misery

Why did she want to be
So crystalline?

Looters break down the doors
Of I shop owners
And expect that this will help
I am too tired to say
That this is unnecessary
This is not a fiction book
And we can't destroy the country
That we are trying to fix
This all needs to be organized
And systematic
Because that is how we get the people
Who really are the bad guys
We dig deep and find who they are
Then we find out how to take them down

Am I too strong
To need a person to lean on?
Am I too strong
For people to love me?
I am too strong?

What if I just need something
What if I just want to let it out?
Would you think that I was strange?
Would you think I am irregular,
That I need to man up
Just like I always do?

Am I too strong?
Do people not see that I am human
Like everyone else?
Why do people think
That I am strong
When in reality, I am not.

The darkness wraps around me like a long lost cloak
The night is young, the night is old
I wandered the woods many a night
The tree bows gently touching my hair
They pat my head and tell me that everything is okay
The night is my escape of inescapable pain

I want to shift the blame to anyone
The people around me who ******* up
The idiots who made Covid-19
The people who won't let us out of our lease
The ***** who can't keep money in the bank
And the woman who loves him
I want to blame this
On people I know
On people that I used to love
I want to blame this
On people that have ******* up
But really this is just life
So I need to keep my mouth shut
And stare down at the ground
Because this is life
And I can't blame shift
Because that is just a lie.

When we are aiming for equality
And people really need it
Should we start pointing out the difference?
Why don't the signs say, "Lives Matter!"
Instead of something so specific.

The thing is, we are equal as humankind
But we are each so unique
So can we ever really achieve
This amazing thing called equality?

The silvery light bouncing off the water traps me in its low-lit love
I'm tired of standing here
Light-headed with an empty heart
Buckling under the pressure of my ache
I don't know why I ache, can't find a reason, really
I've been trapped in your silvery light
For all of this time
But it turned less into love
And more into fondness
And all that was there retreating
Decrepit feelings
Weak with age
Until I start to lose everything
It starts feeling like there was nothing there to begin with
Like all of a sudden
I'm up here
And you're gone
And all the steps we built
Have disappeared
And I'm falling
Like Wylie Coyote off a cliff
In that stupid show
Then I get it
He spent all that time
Building all those steps
Then he falls
Into nothing
No wonder he's angry

Warm skin
Irregular heart beat
That's the trouble with smart watches,
Isn't it?
But I've been deprived of touch
For so so long
You feel...
Electric
Like all of your body is coursing with static
Each time we touch, a shock
Someday, your fingers will graze my forehead
When you sweep hair out of my eyes
And I'll smile, so will you
Then you'll shock me again
I've been away from warmth so long
That yours
Feels like standing next to the sun

You left your mark
And inky black stream covering my heart
You pierce my skin with your needle
And let the ink run wild
As I ran away and found your tattoo
Right in front of my eyes
This tattooed love
Was not what I wanted
This inked mark
That makes me yours
Is a curse that will follow me
Wherever I go

I never wanted this tattooed love
That hurts me more than anything
A bullet hole would hurt less
But I worked hard for this
I thought that this was what I needed
But I guess....
I could be completely wrong

In all honesty
I don't know what I want
I want for death and to be all the things that I'm not
but if I am then all the things that I'm not now
and I still wish that I was something else...
what do I really want?
and how do I keep the idea long enough to hold it down?
the truth is...I don't

There is so much washing over me
Some good
Some bad
Some leaving scars all over my body
Like stretch marks clawing at my hips
There is too much there
My body has too much emotion
And not enough of anything else
My gasoline
Is now too much feeling
Like a phone getting hot when it had to much charge
Not explosion worthy
But **** close
There is just too
That's what I imagine
That's what I call this feeling
Too
Making more stretch marks
All around my head
A swelling and
And more scars around my heart
Clawing
As if what ever was hurting me
Was on the outside
It's just too
And that's all I know
Too much
Too little
Too bad
Too
Too much, then not enough
My breaths get deeper
Too deep
Seething, everything but my mind running my body
Too, that's all

The moon is dark
The sun is light
They bring us day
Followed by night
A time when everything is quiet
And still
When you can do anything you want
Of your own will
Moon brings us peace
Knowing that we have to face another day
Where the sun brings us time
Waiting for another night to go by
Sun means war upon my skin
Moon means the pleasant night is bound to begin
Calling all of my men
To come protect me from the sun
Blistered and scarred
Waiting for the night to start

To be brave
Doesn't mean that you aren't scared
It means that you're terrified
And you've realized your fear
It doesn't mean that you have conquered it
In many of your brave battles
Fear still resides in your heart
Rowing without a paddle

To be brave
Isn't to be feared
It means that you can be pathetic
It means that you are scared
But bravery also means
That you have made up your mind
That you will tell your fears to just back off
Just for this short amount of time
Tell them to leave you alone
Because I have a stage to steal
Tonight, the world is all mine

To be brave
Really means that you were scared
And despite that fear
You did what needed to be done
To protect and save
The people that you loved
Even if this task might lead to death
You know at least
You tried to save someone.

Too perfect
Too lovely
Too willing to die
She let death kiss her lips
Without saying goodbye

She said that everything was just too much
Her life was too hard
Everything was too challenging
Even when it wasn't

Too hidden
Too unseen
Beauty underneath
That will remain her majesties

She stood there
Wearing her gray garb
She looked at me
Almost wonder where you were
She didn't want to wear black
She didn't want to wear white
She has come to this place
Just enough times
To know that with it comes heartache
And pain
So on her wedding day
She decided not to wear white

I told him the other day what I was feeling
He looked me in the eyes and left me where I was standing
He has a way of making me smile
While I cry on the inside
And the odd ability of making me mad
When I'm ecstatic just to be in his space

It felt so good to finally be known
Even if was right in front of his girl
But what do I care
When the feelings I have eat me up
I have to say something before I am eaten alive
And it that is telling you that I love you
That's just what's going to happen

I am exhausted
I just want some sleep
But all I could do
Is stay up writing
I've my computer
Equipt with music
And this website
I have nothing to fear
Other than the night
I just want to get some rest
Lay my weary head abreast
To whatever it is
I am attempting to achieve
I'm so tired,
Please let me get some sleep
Nothing has upset me more
When I am feeling stuff
That I can't ignore
But if I cannot identify these overwhelming feeling
That have all become one
Does that mean that they are really feelings
Or just exhaustion?
Please let me sleep
I'm so ******* tired
My eyes remain open,
Mind unflustered
I am feeling too much at the moment
Things that I cannot comprehend.
I should put down my computer
And just go to bed
But I can't
Because I am feeling something I cannot name
And the tears that I long for
Never came
I just want to know
What it is I'm feeling
And why it is I feel this way
I want to know
If this stupid feeling
I have had so many times before
Is here to stay
Please let me sleep
Mind, let me go
Brain, will me to be free
I just want to get some sleep

"Def; the action of a person
preparing their victim for meeting
especially on the internet
or chat room with the intention
of committing a ****** offense"
So if I don't talk to you, that is why
Please don't contact me
Please don't talk to me
It is wrong to do this to someone
Don't ever do it
It is horrible
Don't talk to me
Just don't
You are not my friend
You do not know me
So back away from the "message" button
I don't want to talk to you
Know that I am prepared to fight
So don't ever talk to me
I am not your friend

Everything is dark
Where has it all gone?
What has happened?
What have I done?

I cannot see
And I am afraid of being blind
The world seems to be fading away
My eyes are taking longer
And longer to focus

Mom, I'm getting scared
Why can't I see
For more than two feet
In front of me?

I cannot look down without not seeing
When I look up
Now I'm stuck with a dark world
Just because I looked down

I am not living in a book
Where there is always the perfect guy
The perfect story
And everything ends perfectly fine
I am in a nightmare,
The worst part is that I have no idea how I got there

I have fought until I was spent
My ashes floating in the wind
Until I realize that I am in a book
And not the kind that you want to be in

Life is an untold story
Unfolding on the path ahead of you
I am living through a pandemic
Tell me what you would do?
I am living in a book
Are you sure that you don't want to give it a quick look?

We write of things we have not experienced because it sounds good on paper and we live through our work. I write in the night to inform poets like me that you can make it,and there is hope for you. After all there is hope for everyone, is there not? I am alone in my bed, writing on a phone because I got the sudden urge to tell all of you, that anything can happen. That you can become a poet or a writer,that your work is really quite good, and nothing is the same as you.

Blues and greens
Soft and hard,
cold and warm
Brightly gleaming
Looking pretty
They are so cold
Just like winter
Making skin look pale
And snow every whiter
Blues and greens
Obsession like fire

Nothing
Nothing
Nothing
At all
Is coming to mind
All of the words
They mean nothing
None are wise
No rhyming lines
That seem clever
I have nothing today
And I suppose that is the way it should stay
Nothing
Forever
Nothing for any of the days
Not any more

What is fame
But an excuse
To live on *******
Women
And whatever else you please
Depression
The pressure to please

Sure, everyone loves you
But you know they don't know you
And you're too high
To notice the people who do

Have fun on your next trip
You're flying high now
Life is pretty great
As long as you can't see straight
You love it like that
Life through a color-blurred film

What is fame
But to hate yourself
And hate life
And say nothing about it

Someday if you're lucky
You will find help
But for now,
You will just enjoy the next sip
The next lover
The next hit
The next lie

People have seen with me
With my short dyed hair

But they haven't known me
And they are already avoiding me

I don't know
What they think of me

But I bet it goes something like this:

"I bet she hasn't a home to go to after this"

"Oh, the poor dear looks horrible,
I am glad I never looked like that"

" What drugs is this freakaziod on? "

" What was she thinking? "

"    Why is she like that?     "

But I have always wondered,



"               Why do they care?              "

Sorry, I'm out of emotion to put into my poems
I'm done writing because I am too tired to think of a plot
Rhyming is to hard to do and I have no idea what next
But I'm just out
That's all I can say
I have nothing to say
No more to feel
And the cold hand knocking on my door
Hasn't evoked any fear

I wish that I wasn't out
I wish there was something
To keep me from breaking down
But alas, I shall just sit here
Out

Tell them that I'm deranged
Because girls are so sexualized
It's always, "don't get *****"
Never, "don't be a ******"
It's always telling you "get out of the relationship"
Rather than "don't be an abusive ****"
Tell them
That I am ******
That women are shamed in their own bodies
Because boys were never taught to be respectful
Tell them that boys ******* aren't censored
And girls' are
Even though they are a baby feeding sack of fat
That doesn't have anything to do
With a boys' learning
Other than the fact that he wouldn't be able to learn
If it weren't for his mother who fed him
And more importantly gave birth to him
Tell them I don't want their sexist
And their shaming
And the fact that girls are still tearing each other down
When we are supposed
To be fighting on a united front

So don't tell me that I'm overreacting
When that's all you have ever said
I want rights,
And I want my daughters to grow up with them!
So don't ignore me when I tell you
That for a very long time
Women have not had a right
to ANYTHING at all

The happiness I found
Is within the soft strokes
Of ukulele strings
The strangely melodic singing
The whistling in the background
The simple meanings that are so much more
The way each note resonates
Into the very next
In the ukulele
I found happiness

Her eyes were coals
Lit up by the fire within
Her mind was a cave
Dark and twisted
She burned like an ember
When she knew she was being wronged
I wish you were here to see what you've done

Her red hair
Compliments her seemingly frozen soul
Not even the warmest fire could save her
Don't say I didn't say so
She is broken to a point of no return
She is the immortal problem
The ally
The villain
The shapeshifter

There are trees made of forests
People made of communities
The tree takes their soul
***** them into their roots
Into their leaves
I have never had so much respect
For the simplistic pine needles

Somewhere in the world
There are trees made of forests
Leaves made of trees
Dogs made of cats
And people who will never look back
We are not backward
There is a little bit of bad in good
And there are trees made of forests

I don't want to live in a world
Where I am not comfortable
Sharing my information
Seeing people in public, as a potential threat
I don't want to live in a world
Where people take advantage of others
And just say that they were sorry
When everything is said and done
I don't want to live in a world
Where people judge you when you are yourself
And when you have finally changed, they tell you
That you were better before
I don't want to live in a world
Where people tell us who to be
Where nothing is safe
Where there are pandemics
And the stress of paying bills
I don't want to live in a world
Where there is absolutely no control
I don't want to live in a world
Where homes get taken away
And where veterans are on the streets
I don't want to live in a world
Where we have to section people
By race, class, gender, sexuality
If you want equality
We should all be the same
But we aren't and we should see that
I don't want to live in this world anymore

He had started using
When he was far too young
He was only a child then,
A child without love
His father had abandoned him
When really it was his mother
His father only left
Because he was being smothered

Later in the years,
He turned really bad
Getting on heavier hitting drugs
Until there was no pain to be had
He sulked and glowered,
Acted until he got his way
Now, he can't be numb
There is far too much pain

He hasn't come out of his room for months
He dropped 38 pounds
Because he wasn't loved
The boy now had a grey pallor
Sunken eyes
And a wilted smile
He has given up,
And he's is only 15
Too young to die

'I'm so tired.'
He smiles at my words
'Can I lie down to sleep?'
I ask as I lie on his bed of needles
My small whimper
Makes his grin grow wider
My eyelids are drooping
I don't even care that he's drugged me
He decides to bind me
And take away pieces of my brain
He replaces them with new memories
Of him laughing
While I scream in pain
So much pleasure has come
From me pushing away the day
That came before
I am being lashed
Hurt from the inside out
The flogging took place
When he was the one I wanted
The sadist watches me
Cry for mercy
But the sadist is me
And I don't know how it got this way.

Respect is an odd thing
If a person demands respect
They usually mean to respect
Their authority
And treat them like a god
But when they say, "if you respect me, I'll respect you"
And they mean that you will treat them like a person
If you treat them like a king/queen
And everything is just jolly good
Because you respect them as an authority
And they treat you (almost)
As if you were a human being I mean,
It's just not fair
What some people call "respect"

The river flowing on my cheeks
Is drowning out the sounds
Of the apocalypse
With just the right kind
Of crying music

I've got music to my tears
That flows whenever
The dam decides to burst

The guitar is an effortless stream
While the soft bass is the rhythm of my heart
Music to my tears
The brushstrokes of my art

The sound waves flow
Through the earbuds
Protruding from under my shirt
Sending calming endorphins
And lovely drugs for my brain

Music to my tears
For the worse of fears

The image is to be a great poet
With amazing imagery

But sadly I can never live up to
That incredible dream

Because I am too tired
Laid out far too thin

So I just sit there like putty
On a house

But that house crumbles
Because they didn't let me live

I had a potential
A purpose

And they squandered it
Because they thought I would look best

When I was thin
And when I was small

I guess that's the image

I'm sorry if it disappoints you all

People know how to hurt
But not how to recover
All they seem to do
Is hide under the covers

But one day
When it is all too much
They'll find a way to **** it up
And say that life is good
And all the bad things that happened
Happened under dark hood

Nobody is out to get you
Life is never fair
And one day you'll realize
There was so much more there
Than the bad things
The things you thought unkind
Someday you'll find out
That life is really quite nice

Sometimes
I will see a sharp thing
And ask myself
How I could smuggle it
To use on my skin
But then I remember that it's not okay
For me to do that
It's not okay
That I want to see blood flowing from my wounds
Just to embody
What is happening in my head
But I don't feel that kind of pain
And when a do
A sharp thing
Is no longer my escape

So I wonder why
I think so much about it
Too much about
I don't want to do that anymore
It has been romanticized way too much
To be broken and let some guy
Rescue you
I no longer find release in sharp things
Trust me

This is the stage that everyone knows
where the predator gets what he wants from the victim
this is the most commonly discussed stage
of ****** harassment
He touches you
Bringing you down
You can't feel anything but his hands
Reigning down on you facing
You can't remember a time
Where you weren't controlled by him
Because now there is him.
Only him

Someone must understand
The way that my mind works
I am human after all
And writing for anyone to see
But quite a few folks
Look at me as if I had three heads on my shoulders
And I can't say I don't
Because that's just how my mind works
Someone must understand
Out of the 7.7 billion people on the face of the planet
Someone must know what it's like
To be trapped with three heads within one
Someone must understand
That the sky is falling when I finally come home
And I rest my head on my pillow
Pretend to sleep
In a restless daze
Someone must understand
Why it is I am this way

"I'm not trying to play the victim,"
she said to her mother.
"I know, you never have." her mother said back
But my question is
Why didn't she play a victim
When we needed it
Why didn't she play the victim
When we couldn't pay the rent?
Why didn't she play the victim
When we couldn't get out of the lease?
Why didn't she play the victim
All those times
When we need her
To play the role?