if you’re still here
by the time I next change the sheets
then maybe
you’re here to stay

where does my joy come from?
it comes not from you.
not from waiting for you,
like waiting for rain in a drought.
it comes not from pressing pause,
holding breath,
using litotes on the underwhelming.
it comes not from the unnecessary distractions.
or comparisons.
or sharp bluntness.

it definitely doesn’t come from that feeling - the feeling that you’re losing
interest.
the feeling that I’m losing
value.
the feeling that I’m losing.

it comes, instead, from something greater
something more
something inside
and all around

I remember to look away from you
and look up

is this my insecurity,
or my intuition speaking?

the two “ i’s “
one will keep you safe,
the other will destroy.
maybe it’s a mix of both.
maybe you make me feel
like this and
it’s a red flag.
crimson, ruby, blood.
beautiful and altogether devastating.

I keep going around in circles.
everything is so simple
in your head
and so convoluted
in mine.

it’s unfair.

sweet sanctuary.

love that warms me
inside out
kind eyes
open palms
an intrinsic
incomprehensible pull
towards you.
towards rest.

I don’t fight it.
why would I want to?

dear thirteen year old me,

don’t cry girl
don’t waste your tears on him
and don’t stress
because this isn’t the last time

you’ll run into him again
in fact,
you’ve got a lot more
in store
a lot of lessons to learn
and mistakes to make

believe me,
when I say that he’ll again feature
in your highlight reel.
he’ll be back,
you’ll see

don’t cry girl
though you fell too deep;
it won’t be the last time

warmth -
you wrap around me
and I sink into you
slumber -
you hold me tight and
I don’t want to leave

but I know I must