I have noticed that you only pay attention to me on the days that she pays none to you
On the days when you are craving affection from anyone who will deliver it to you in the worst way
When she cannot follow through with the promises she tells you on the nights that she feels like it
I hate myself for still loving you on the same days that she does
The days where you are glued to her side simply because she will let you
You told me, "You are everything I want in a girl, but I still love someone else"
I am learning that even though I may love on the same day she chooses to, I will not succumb to your beckoning call anymore
I know that I am only mimicking you answering to her
I am working on getting strong enough to press decline
So the next time you call me, I will pick up the phone
Hold it in my hand, feel the humming vibration reverberate throughout my body, down my spine
I will let it go to voicemail
Because there is no use in letting someone drink the rest of your water
When they are on the brink of dying from dehydration anyways

You do not tell someone that you love them
when you are not sure if you do
You do not tell someone that you love them when it is dark outside and all you really want is affection to share in
You do not tell someone you love them just because you know that it's what they want to hear
You do not tell someone you love them when you love someone else too

I think maybe I can give myself time
Teach myself to love you and only you
Learn the ways of isolation, confine myself to you
Maybe one day I will be able to do it without trying first
I often confuse love with loneliness
Give myself away just because I am tired of holding myself up
If only I could dig myself out of holes as easily as I dig myself into them
Digging my own grave just because it is something to do
I am trying to love you but love takes a little more work than I'd planned
I am not sure if time will be enough
Because time can't save anybody, it only adds wrinkles to your face and fatigues your body, you are only getting older
Maybe the hands on the clock are better off broken
Because imagination suddenly becomes matter and I am here standing in front of you trying to love you, and I do, so much, but not quite enough as I need to
And for that I am sorry

I cannot hear someone talk about love without thinking of a plane crash
The sudden moments of ecstasy and then the drawn out turbulence
In trying to decide which loved one is the one worth calling
Which memory will lace itself through your mind like a drug
Love does not care about your disposition, it does not care about the timing
Love comes when love feels it should, even when it is wrong
I have noticed that I love far too fast
Stare the beast in the face and
I break like a fever, like a bad habit, like a windshield
Under the sound of his roar
He does not care how loud I scream, it only screams back louder
Love does not care about my disinclined heart beat that races too fast for too many people
So when your friend introduces you to a boy, resist making a memory of his cologne
You do not need another memento of a love that may never be
Do not fool yourself into thinking that this is okay
You are not supposed to be at war
So why do you insist on putting yourself on the front line?

I have a problem with love
I tend to fall for people far to quickly
And not just one person
Multiple people draw me to them convincing me
That one more love story won't be so bad
My problem with love is that I love the chase
When I catch them I am often not sure what to do
Will often confuse love with other kinds of addiction
I've learned that I love the adrenaline more than the person
So I am sorry if my feet tend to wander
When you tell me that you love me
I simply do not believe the body was meant to stand still
And I know one day I will lose my urge to run
But for now, I will lace up my shoes
In hopes that you realize, the only way to make me stay is to untie them
So as I am walking away
I fall

I want you and you want her and there is really nothing else to it

A love that is not tangible
One that stands just close enough to reach for
With the illusion that it is close enough to touch
It isn't
It is sweet and lures you in like a blind man to beautiful music
I look at him, wide eyed gaze as my heart seizes inside of my chest
Lips pursed in expectation of what may never be
The way my knees break at the sound of your voice
Like I am bowing down to God
I save your words, tucking them into my pocket because
I only hear something so gentle and alluring so much
And suddenly the anxiety of truth wraps itself around my chest
Reminding my heart beat to slow because it is no use in getting so worked up
Over something so unattainable

Some advice I would have given myself last weekend
One.
If something feels wrong, do not do it. When you want to call him, hand your phone to your best friend because she can do less damage with it then you can.
Two.
When he tells you he was interested in someone else, do not reach for the alcohol. I know that it hurts but you will feel worse in the morning and it is not worth it, it never was.
Three.
When the stench of cigarettes and cold sweat tattoos itself on your skin, do not wash it off. Let the odor sink in until you realize that it is one that you do not need.
Four.
When you feel tired, go to sleep. Though staying awake seems like the more fun option realize that your body is setting into fatigue for a reason.
Five.
When you want to jump out the window, don’t. The ground seems so close but it isn't. When your friend pulls you away do not walk back.
Six.
Pick yourself up, wash the aroma of last night from your back, listen to it disappear into your shower drain, let the water be too hot. Close your eyes and focus on the memory tearing from your body, last night was a lesson, learn from it and move on.

There is a boy
His skin is a warm dawn on the eastern mountains
His smile is the flick of a match in isolated darkness
He does not hold to the world, only the people of it
He cares for those with heavy hearts
But deep love is not one among his many skills
He never really fell, only tripping others to fall into him
I do not know how to leave him alone
So for now, I will wait here, collecting dust,
if only it means I will touch some of his particles that fall on the floor