I fell in love with a boy
that is too good for me
And I did not mean to do it
but as I sat back to watch the world move around me
He caught my eye
and tugged on my heartstrings
until I was up and walking behind him
And he knows what he's doing to me
He watches me trail behind and he smiles
but he does not do it out of malevolence
Because his lips are so sweet
that if they were to ever come across poison
it would immediately become its own antidote
He has a genuine love for everyone he meets
So there's nothing special about the way he hugs me
or brushes my hand when we eat together
Because he's like that with everyone
Because he has sincere kindness in his heart
This boy
who is better than I could ever be
has trapped me in a never ending cycle of infatuation
He seems to pull me forward with arms that could move mountains
and hands that could part seas
And I keep begging him to let me go
But I'm the only one holding on

I remember thinking once
that the best nights
were ones you couldn't remember
Because in those moments you can't recall
you assumed you were having fun
And you remember laughing about spilled tequila
because you knew you didn't need anymore
But in the morning you would look at the bottle
and see liquor spilled across the carpet
and wonder why you found it so funny
Because now you've added more to the mess
that was already scattered across your floor
And the butterflies in your stomach
aren't warm and fuzzy like the night before
but a fire burning deep into your chest
And you hang your head in consternation
because you have no idea what you've done
And words of regret sit in your mouth
because it is too dry to form sentences to adequately describe your guilt
So I have come to find
that the nights you can't remember are desolate for a reason
To remember would send you into a perpetual state of hatred
if you weren't there already

I am a gladiator in the Roman Colosseum
when the lions are let loose
and I've been given a sword that's too small
to defend myself with
The people in the stands are laughing at me
Not one of them reaches down to pull me out
Because they put me here
They sent these lions to hunt me down
for the crimes I committed
They clap and cheer
Because to them it's a sport
watching me get torn apart
And I never thought I would be down in this pit
Because I once sat where they did
Jeering and clapping for convicts to pay their dues
But look where I am now
I am the gladiator in the Roman Colosseum
when the lions are let loose

I dream of the day
That I will come home to a home
that does not only belong to me
That I will come home to someone
who will climb up next to me
in a bed that is ours
That I will open our fridge and pull out our wine
and sit down in front of our fireplace and talk
about the day we wished we had had together
That I will have to learn to smoke with my left hand
because you like to hold my right
when we're sitting on our back porch
drinking coffee
I dream
Of kisses brushed hastily across rushed lips
but with still enough time to say I love you
Of going to sleep every night
pressed up against the person that will forever be mine
I dream of the day
That I will make a covenant to one person
for the rest of my life
That I will be able to love someone fully
and have them love me back
That someone will want me forever
And not just for a moment
But most of all
I dream of the day
That I meet you

When I was 5
I wrote poems on printed sheets I would get at day care
about apples and leaves
and whatever inanimate object was within my vision
and I had to make sure every line rhymed
Or it wasn't real poetry
When I was 9
I wrote poems on loose leaf paper
but only for school
because I hated writing
because I thought I wasn't any good at it
That it wasn't real poetry
When I was 12
I wrote poems on the backs of my worksheets
but only when no one else was looking
because I didn't want anyone else to see
because even though I thought my writing was good
I was afraid that no one else would
That it wasn't real poetry
When I was 15
I wrote poems on my arms
with the sharpest object I could find
because my words didn't matter anymore
only what I felt
so I would feel in free verse
Until my words blended red
But that wasn't real poetry
Was it?

Something has been going wrong with me for a long time now
My life used to be overflowing with potential
Nothing could stop the greatness I was heading towards
But something did
I wasn’t always a hollow thing
I was once overflowing, abundant in joy and hope in all things
Life was sweet and I couldn’t get enough
But now everything has changed
People talk to me like I am dead and I have to remind myself that ia m not, that I am still alive
Life crippled into unfinished meals on the table
Languages dried up
Seeing old friends that only loved who you used to be
I am an empty vessel that no one wants to touch
But I have reached a unmarked line
Crying out, begging me to try again
Revive my old self that was stolen by intoxication of the wrong things
Light the candle and watch it burn
Inhale the scent of lemon cherry blossom
And begin to hope, begin to make myself believe
That second chances are real
And that maybe this is mine