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because i believed you
because i never realized how brown your eyes really were until i had the courage to stare
because you told me you were happier this way
because i don't feel suicidal when i'm with you
because you wanted me to meet your mother
because you never ask me what's wrong
because you don't care about anything
because i wanted to know what would happen
because i was too scared to ask
because ******* for leaving the first time
because i love you for coming back
because you only ever touch me when you're drunk
because his lips didn't feel like yours
because he made me laugh but not the way you could
because of 3 am nights with you are all i want to remember
because 3 am nights without you sit in the middle of my chest like a boulder
because my father warned me
because i can't do it anymore
because i can't do it anymore
 Mar 2014 Austin Pursley
sudden emptiness resides in my chest
an abyss of confusion and regret
opens up inside of me
and I am left with an uncertainty
of what tomorrow holds

nothing but eternal silence
a phone call that won't be answered
a letter that won't be read
a conversation that never took place
a one way train to an unknown destination

even when stars die, their light is seen for thousands of years
I long to give you the time that you deserve
beautiful souls are more rare than precious gems
the hope that radiates from a tiny body
is stronger than the radiation that has damaged you
Hello, 2 am.
I've been seeking you again...
searching for a friend
to help me release pain that seems to never end.

Hello, 3 am.
Where do I begin?
Stuck in the same place I've always been
Committing my usual nightly sins.

Hello, 4 am.
Have you been missing me?
I could use your company
to keep me from falling asleep.

Hello, 5 am.*
Thanks for raising your sunny face.
It's been a long night,
but I'm glad I've outrun this chase.
"It's always darkest before the dawn"
I'm trying to remember those words when my nights seems the darkest, and I hope you all try the same.
I didn't cry for two years,
Because I refused to let myself feel.
I promised that I would save my tears
for something that deemed my emotions real.

It was a method that helped me get by -
Not questioning why certain things felt so heavy to carry,
I never let myself feel the urge to cry,
Because the thought that I may never stop was an idea too scary.

And then I saw you
and I didn't know if anything would feel worse,
than the way you said my name
Or how your eyebrows raise when you curse.

You messed up my two year streak.
You interfered with my way of living.
And now I always let the water leak
from my eyes until my emotions are swimming.

So I'm sick of writing poems about you,
and I hate that you made me cry.
These are my last lines for you,
this is me saying goodbye.
This marks the first day of letting go of someone who never wanted to be held onto...
(I will say this every day until those words will finally feel true.)
 Feb 2013 Austin Pursley
Funny how we woke up in the morning
and pretended that tomorrow never happened—
strutted naked in mirrors celebrating our youth,
laughing, knowing suns and moons couldn’t do the same.

We borrowed our arms from the fridge
and peddled bicycles with bad breath—
trading war stories ‘cause we knew
if we came back alive
life would still be the death of us.
I can't help but fall.
These little blue and white pills pull me so far down.
Into darkness.

After two, I feel my once tense muscles begin to relax.

Three more and my eyelids start to get heavy.

Four more, my mind eases; thoughts drain themselves away.

Five more, and consciousness escapes me.

A sea of medicated sleep engulfs me.
I float away, far deeper than my sober being could wallow.

Here, I can't hear the voices. Inside, or out.

No one to remind me what a disappointment I am.
No mirror to look into and think about how disgusting the thing is, staring back at me.
No overwhelming thoughts to motivate a razor across my body.
No one.
Just the comforting silence of sweet dreamless sleep.
It's been a while.
My hollow bones and aching muscles have driven me to exhaustion.
These disgusting thoughts are overflowing my weary head.

I've become stuck in a daze.
My body has shifted gears into auto pilot.

I'm so tired I can not sleep,
and even when I can,
sleep forces it's nightmares upon me.
So famished I can no longer hold a meager meal
in my constantly shrinking stomach.
My rain cloud has come back,
and taken its place over me.

This burden of life has become too much for such a small person such as I to carry.

I don't know why the sickness has chosen me to victimize.
Why I've become subject to feelings of guilt and despondent thoughts.

A cry for help is not enough,
this theory has been tested and showed true each time.
Those pills won't help.
Shrinks don't help.
Not even my own medication,
a concoction of marijuana and a razor blade,

There is nothing left to do.
Nothing else to try.
Nothing anyone can say.

No rope you can cast is long enough
to pull me out of the pit of desperation and agony
I find myself in.

Nevertheless, I will smile.
I will act as though I am on your level of ground.
I'll push my food around my plate when I sit with you to eat
and I'll close my eyes when you check on me to see if i'm sleeping
because I would never forgive myself
for being the gravitational pull that lands you
in my pit.
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