and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

I've tried so hard to put stupid ******* words together about how intoxicating you are but I think I'm still love drunk from your kiss goodbye.

Last night, he waited at the end of my street in his red pick up
while I snuck out of the back door in my shorts and a hoodie.

We drove around and talked music for hours
and between the exchange of our words
we exchanged a perfectly rolled blunt.

Somehow we ended up back at his place
on the back porch with a cigarette in one hand and my fingers intertwined with his in the other.

At some point his extremities began to graze my leg
slowly moving up towards the inside of my thigh.

And how I wanted so badly to give into his touch
But all I could offer was a kiss
that tasted of desperation and nicotine.

When all that was left of his cigarette was the cherry at the end of its filter,
he asked if he could leave his mark on me.

And with the nod of my head, he put the small roll of tobacco out
on the same place where his fingertips fluttered over just minutes before.

With his brand on my inner thigh and my tongue in his mouth,
I felt extraordinary lust and helplessness in the pit of my stomach.

Paint my body with your fists.
Tell me you love me
While your hands betray your words.
Let your fingers squeeze me
Until that little moan, that you love so much, escapes me.

Use me as your canvas.
Stain my paper thin skin with watercolors.
Let the black fade into purple; then to blue.
To green, and pale yellows.

Allow time to erase your pretty picture
Just to create a new pattern of
Black and Blue.

Kiss me while I wince at the pain.
Watch me flinch at your raised hand.
Then tell me you'd never hurt me.

It's so upsetting to know
That there is so much beauty in the world.
And while there are plenty of places it chose to be,
One of them was not me.

The universe is waiting for you to stand tall again
     just
          so
               it can
                   knock
                         you
                              back
                          ­         down.