I just want to drown myself,
In these glass bottles and the liquids they contain,
I'm so tired of being looked over,
I am the boy who feels no pain,

My nerves have been shut off,
This world is just too much,
I've painted my own death,
With this feeble fragile brush,

We made it through three seasons,
I held you through the cold,
We trembled under blankets,
But together we grew too bold,

Apart we are forever,
But together is just this pain,
The heat of the Texas summer,
Turned into Southern winter rain,

I told you that I love you,
But there's something different about your voice,
And in the end of these seasons,
You left me but one choice,

We never made it to the Spring,
Your scent is missing from the breeze,
It was the end of this cold winter,
I watched you grab your stuff and leave.

I’m just a poorly made machine,
I need a factory reset,
My minds tearing at the seams,
I bet you wished we’d never met,

I’m more trouble than I’m worth,
You say you’d never think that way,
It’d be so easy to leave this earth,
I don’t believe but still I pray,

That you’ll forgive,
And forget,
I always loved you,
The one thing I don’t regret.

I can taste you in my sheets,
Your bare skin made an appearance in an empty place,
I can tell you're cold under my breath,
Waiting to cut me open with your sharp tongue and quick wit,
Dissect me and discard me, I know how good you are at that,
All I am is an empty space,
You've filled that void but god only knows how long you'll stay,
Nothing against you,
I wouldn't either,
Why even ask?
I wouldn't bother,
I am in a long line of blood cells waiting to be pumped through your body,
You have fueled me,
You will also burn me down.

My past is too present,
I can still feel your presence,
I smoked an ounce of **** just to get rid of my headache,
But god ****** my head aches,
And ****** my bed takes,
Up too much of my time,
Thought about you and I can't wait,
To get rid of these demons that been saying I can't shake,
Off the mentality I'm done and or that I will be at this rate,
I just hope that you miss me,
I know you don't miss me,
I just hope that you will when you see how far that I will be,
And I swear I'll be wealthy,
Take care of my family,
Won't end up opposite if I could show you what can be,
And I wish that you'd let me,
But I know you won't let me,
So it's questionable why the **** I just spent these,
Last few years on someone who never gave a ****,
Won't you come back?
I deserve a second look.

I just wanted you to feel the way I felt when you left me,
I'm starting to panic, it's leaving me breathless,
Losing my mind,I've been walking round headless,
I just wanted you to tell me that you never meant it,
That you didn't love me you thought that we were pretending,
Just go ahead and end it,
Go ahead and spin this,
World upside down and **** me up I guess that you meant it,
I shoulda said something a year ago, I swear to god that I sent it,
I swear to god I'm just friendless, too ****** up for friendship,
Too ****** up for you to say that you don't wanna end it.
It ended a year ago, just blew you up in my head,
Spent a year as a zombie, I'm the living dead,
I lost my mind, walk around without a head,
I spent a year under the covers, coming home to find my bed,
Empty with a note saying you missed me,
Couldn't wait to kiss me and flip me,
Over, dissect and dismiss me,
It's time to commence total rinsing,
I'm washing my hands, because now I know you don't miss me

A bullet for breakfast never sounded so great,
If you only knew it was this bad, you'd beg me to wait,
Sorry babe, only one choice to make,
It wasn't mine from the start, god ****** up my brain,

Time to **** it up twice,
"That kid from school? But he was so nice..,
He was so funny, he made everyone smile",
I'm the only who knows you're lying, blood racing between tiles,

We're not all made like you,
White teeth, glowing smile,
Mom and dad always home, big house,only child,
See, god ****** up your brain too, but nowhere like mine,
You got lucky, you were born blind,
I was born with the biggest eyes,
Dullest voice and most active mind,
And right in the crown, that's where god signed,
"Sorry son, I couldn't do better, I'll see you soon though, don't forget to write your mom a letter".

Pain is beauty,
Pain brings out a side of me, a side of us,
Unlike any other,
My hollow bones lift themselves from their shallow grave,
To write these words,
To write the words that relinquish the pain,
My fingers are heavy with pain,
But with each word written,
They become more nimble,
The feeling in my body is once more,
This is what makes us feel alive,
Pain,
We love and we lose,
We fall and we bruise,
So easily,
But the pain is the reason I keep writing these words,
So please,
By all means,
Hurt me some more.

I wouldn't say it was necessarily my decision,
I just let my life play like I was watching it through a vision,
I remember every minute; was never watching for the high lights,
Was waiting for the day id have to ***** to say it's my life,
Instead I scream it's my right, literally living the high life,
Literally living for seconds I'm inhaling, hungry for seconds,
I'll wake up early just because I'm ready for breakfast,
Never had a chain, I lost my head, they call me necklace,
Throwing a hissy,
Fit, starting to wish she,
Would drive home but she just drank all the whiskey,
That ***** gotta be dizzy,
Darian, where you at, starting to wish you were with me,
Wish this bowl wasn't empty,
Wish my friends were more friendly,
I'm so cold,
My souls cold,
You ever thought?,
That you stopped living at 16, smoking *** in apartment complex, parking lots,
Gifted,
So very gifted,
She makes me feel so high much more than ever a spliff did,
I knew her long ago but never knew that it had meant this,
Grandmama as my witness, 6 years later bout to hit it,

Slow and painful,
Deep yet shallow,
Is the hole you have created,
So it is the path that I shall follow,

I hate who you are,
And I hate who you've been,
While you have been off,
Committing your sins,

I'll be at home alone again,
Talking to the voices inside,
Who I think are my friends,
Because they leave like the tides,

Call me vengeful,
But god I hope you sit at home alone 80 years from now,
Thinking to yourself "wow",
"How'd I lose a guy like that?"

I hope you die alone,
Because god I know I will,
That's the way I deserve to go,
Because alone is the way I feel.

A self-performed lobotomy,
I need a new one every night,
If there isn't a vice for me to abuse,
Just don't wake me up,
I don't wanna be awake for a night I can remember,
How sad is that?,
Your perfume is a reminder of things meant for better days,
On a jacket I spent my worst ones in,
I hate this life, it's such a burden,
Why do I have to spend half of it doing things I hate,
Sulking in my room,
I'm 60 years late for my lobotomy appointment,
So I guess I'll just do it myself,
Watch me drown myself in sorrow,
All you tried to do was help.

My skin is paper thin,
After years of wear and tear,
I'm sorry to say,
But I don't think it can bear,
Much more,

Of these played off instances of verbal abuse,
Some day it's going to be more than me that you will start to lose,

I hope in these next few days you will realize what you did and who you are,
Maybe I'll be dead or maybe I'll be far,
Away,

From this ****** ****** up town,
From you and all your friends,
Your words have created nothing,
But clever ways for me to end,

Eventually, I will grow fragile and forget,
The times I spent alone depressed will be the times that I regret,

I've killed myself a thousand times over in my head,
It's sad to think I won't be remembered when I'm dead.

A surgeon at the end of his day,
Careless cuts, it's just a brain,
They all just said to hope and pray,
Those careless cuts, won't leave a stain,

We spend our time watching the clock,
Barely touching, with pistols cocked,
I'll pull your trigger if you pull mine,
The blood stains will wash out with time,

That's what I told her before she left,
Noose tied tight, gasping for breath,
Distance evident, by the growing lack of conversation,
Those careless cuts, a careless operation.

Everything I've known is moving on,
They're packing their bags or are already gone,
I hope there is no god because if there is he is a *******,
How could you just sit,
And watch everything around me fall,
I remember when you used to mark how tall,
I would grow each year,
But this last year,
I watched you sink,
Inside yourself,
Too proud to peek,
The only time you could stand to accept what you were given,
Is when you were dead,
Or too sedated, a hospital bed,
I know you'd hate me for speaking this way,
But the only thing I've learned from this,
Is what's the point,
I'd rather ****,
Away my life,
Because you'll be forgotten,
And those marks you made along your wall will be erased.

Been without it... so I couldn't help to doubt it,
Hard to breath inside this room,
when i feel so **** surrounded,
Dance around it,
listen,
I'm really not tryna talk now,
I'm really just tryna walk out,
And Hit 60 past the park,
I Switch to 6th, hear the engine roaring out the car,
I see the sirens... and they're racing from afar,
I rev it up, cuz ain't no ****** way Im seeing bars,
I'm Seeing stars,
Feeling the black out, but I'm back now,

Told u I'mma wrap the ****** beat and imma ****** it,
Momma said to never leave a trace, so I threw detergent in,
I'm a ****** spit, not tryna make a name,
I just wanna pay my bills, so I got a place to stay,
wasn't always the ******' case,
Get high or imma die trying,
I Almost did both,
I swear to god  I wasn't lying, when I lost my ****** mind,
I couldn't do it by myself,
I knew that I needed help,
My screws loosening themselves,  uh..Breath of fresh air,
Lemme check my self esteem,
Bout to turn into machine, and burn rubber till it screams,  
Boil water, let it steam,
Naive, but let em dream,
Gotta lifetime of depression before he's off to better things,
Feel like life is sometimes tearing at the seams,
And it seems as though I might not even make inbetween,
I got my eyes  down low and I'm not stopping imma fiend,
Imma bull, I'm seeing green, close your eyes, picture me

What was going through your head,
When you pulled into that lot?,
Grabbed the gun under the seat,
Put it to your brain and shot,

What was going through your head,
When you took way too many pills?,
Did you regret it as you died?
I just wonder how it feels,

I meant to ask before you left,
What's it like to watch your body die?,
But I've been watching all along,
It's almost time to say goodbye,

I was mad at you at first,
I cried about you in my bed,
The thoughts that made you pull the trigger,
Are the same ones running through my head.

I think death is the most beautiful thing there is,
The release of all worries,
All pain,
The burden of living a life with an unknown meaning,
Constantly battling to maintain relationships with people,
To make sure they're okay,
Make sure I'm okay,
I'm never okay,
So if I died tonight,
I guess I wouldn't be so upset,
I might actually be okay,
Because these are the most ****** up thoughts of all,
Ones where I have to decide who to hurt,
Who's emotions are more valuable,
Mine or yours,
So please God,
If you're real,
**** me now,
Because I'm too scared to do it myself,
And I'm too tired from carrying the weight of this world in my sleepy eyelids.

She left when the light no longer washed over her sun-touched skin,
The blinds covered up her crinkled nose and selfish grin,
I asked when?,
She said never,
We laughed it off,
I said "you better",
Sure enough I did, I saw her that week,
I smiled when she opened her car door,
Went to kiss her cheek,
Skin smooth under my lips,
Her perfume was sweet,
Winter pushed to summer,
According to the heat,
It was time for you to go,
Alone in my room again,
Except this time you'll be gone,
Time for back to what I've been,
"Have fun" I said,
It slithered out between my teeth,
You said you would but you'd miss me,
I laughed and knew this was the last time I'd kiss your cheek.

A cold metal bench,
And an empty mind,
Before this day came,
I figured I'd be fine,

I will **** myself tonight,
After I mow the lawn and shower,
Eat some leftover pizza,
And enjoy my last few hours,

I will rummage through the cabinet,
Find the pill bottle and the toxic chemicals it contains,
I will pour them down my throat,
I will pray it melts my brain,

I will start to feel funny,
I will sit on my bed and wait,
I will tell you that I loved you,
But by now it's far too late,


You just wanted me to be get better,
You hoped it would never take this course,
I'd say sorry to my friends and family,
But I do not feel remorse,
Anymore.

I tore your pictures down today,
Wiped your writing off my wall,
This cycle stays the same,
Waiting for a call,
I know I'll never get.

She doesn't waste her time,
With things that disturb her peace of mind,
Like me and all my friends,
We were just in the way,

I should have told you I loved you,
Or how much that I cared,
I should have known that you would crush me,
Too much for me to bear,

Time to pack up all my things,
Swallow what pride that I have left,
I should have never asked you over,
We never should have met.

These stains will never wash out,
Of a carpet you never liked,
Nowhere to go, nowhere to hide,
With a worn and rusted bike,

Maybe the spot where I killed myself,
3 lonely years ago,
I drowned in the shallow waters,
Though it barely reached my toes,

I can't stand to do this to you,
I can see you in my room,
Crying into my old clothes,
Saying "why'd you leave so soon?",

The sunlight washed over my wooden floor,
It's been years since you last came,
I barely cross your mind these days,
Things carried on the same.

I guess this was what it was like,
For my nana when she asked if it was ok for her to let go,
Cancer for her, depression for me,
How could anybody say no?,

I know now how it feels,
To live with a disease,
Eating at your body,
Begging god to just please...

Stop.

You know how when you were a kid and your mom made you smile for a photo you weren't in the mood for?
That's how this for me,
Everyone saying cheese,
Or cheer up,
Or ******* smile,
******* I don't want to,
I don't wanna be alive tonight or any night like this,
Too bad every nights like this,

I guess this is how you know I'm near the end,
When my poems are starting not to rhyme,
I'm starting to feel it in the wind,
I'm running out of time.

Things have changed and so have I,
From the things you said and the way you lied,
Your skin was soft against mine,
Our tongues tainted from the smoke of cigarettes,
Our minds altered from the pain of letting go,
I'm not thinking clearly and I hope you aren't as well,
My heart will burst from the way it swells,
Like ocean waves crashing against the shore,
I can't promise you that I will store,
These memories and the pain that they include,
You've left my body worn and bruised,
These wounds may never heal,
But I pray that yours will,
Because I still genuinely care,
I always have, and always will.

Someday.

A crisp fall night,
Evident by the gentle breeze,
The calming trees,
And the changing leaves,
Your chair slightly overlapping mine,
We look at each other,
Our subtle embrace grows slightly stronger at the dwindling fire,
as we try to make up for the heat that we are losing,
Your skin is ripe and mine is bruising,
From the pain of letting go,
I knew you wouldn't see the fall,
You were a somber metaphor of the dying fire,
Reaching for something more,
Something to keep you going,
But there was nothing,
The physical attachments of this world seem not to matter as much when the pain is so great,
Sometimes the best thing you can do is let go,
They always said if you love something let it go,
But how can I let you go,
When it is fall,
And my bed is cold.

I was born without a family,
Always stayed inside my bed,
I never had a friend,
By 15 I was dead,

You found me in my closet,
With a noose around my neck,
You knew that I was gone,
Called my brother in to check,

Your suspicions turned out true,
I guess it's not so bad,
I mean he didn't amount to much,
And he was always way too sad,

I was forgotten by next week,
No funeral was had,
No one to call and tell,
Not even his own dad.

I am aware this isn't true,
Just how things play out in my head,
Please just let me be so selfish,
Please don't miss me when I'm dead.

I want to live my life inside,
I don't want to go outdoors,
It's too hot out there,
And the world is a bore,

I don't want to get a job,
**** working everyday,
I don't feel like being told I'm not good enough and I should go away,

Give me everything I need,
Or just let me die like this,
Because if you make me go today I swear to god that ill be ******,

The reason I'm writing this **** is because I'm depressed and so alone,
And this poem is the most shallow thing but this is the first time I've felt something in a week,
God that makes me weak,
Not the fact that I feel something,
But the fact that its been bottled up inside,
Maybe a week isn't long to you,
But when the bottles full,
It's pretty **** hard to hide.

We're just teenagers,
Lost in ourselves,
Looking for someone,
To save us from this hell,
Spend with me the days that you have left,
As a tortured soul, begging for your death,
Let's wake up early,
And feel the cool fall air,
Let's lay in the back yard,
And blankly stare,
At how small we are compared to what does not change,
And think about how our voices will never effect the stars that surround our bodies,
And wonder if things get better or if this is just a phase that's been going on far too long.

It was cold when you left me,
You put a chill in me that God's hands never could,
Maybe it was just my own sick obsession with wanting to know your every curve,
Every word you never spoke cut so deep into my bones,
But God I loved you.

You studied biology in college,
I guess I was just a test,
To see how good you could dissect,
And discard me like the rest,

You fell in love in college,
Forgot all about me back at home,
You spend all your time together,
The times I spend alone,

You told me that you loved me,
That you wanted me so bad,
But you couldn't take me back,
Please don't be mad,

You told me you wanted me. But you let all of that go. How do you just let that go? How do you want someone but the next day you don't even think about them? They don't even cross your mind anymore. It's been weeks now months and you haven't thought about me since. I'm nothing to you anymore. When before I was, in your own words, your everything. I don't get it. How don't you text me anymore? I can't even look at the same kind of car you had without getting sick to my stomach. The sad thing to know is I will never get another chance for the rest of my life to get you back. The only one each of us have and we never gave it our all. You gave up and just let it wash away. I'm so sorry for everything I did to get you to that point. I just was so scared that you didn't want me anymore. I know you will never read this, and even if you did it probably wouldn't matter. But I've been trying to find the words to say for these past few months. And this is as close as I'm getting. I always thought that pain brought out the best writing in me. But I guess when it's too much there are no words to describe how you feel. You have done this to me. I am broken beyond repair.

I am the one to break your cycle,
Sadly, mine is never broken,
You will crush me like my dreams,
I guess that's what I get for hoping,
Please just crush me in my dreams,
Just do it while I'm sleeping,
So that when I do wake up,
You'll already be leaving,
You can pack my stuff up too,
I won't need it anymore,
Return my house key to the ring,
On the way out lock the door,
Rev the car up in the driveway,
Light a smoke and watch the clock,
Press the gas into the floorboard,
And didn't lift until time stopped.

Till death do us part, right?
But what happens when that happens and everything falls apart?,
Do I die here on my couch watching movies alone without the warmth of someone else?,

I can't sit anymore and watch my shadow match my pace,
I could never sit down for long because my legs would start to shake due to the overwhelming fear of driving home alone again,
Lit a cigarette when I left, lost my thoughts within the wind.

Brought upon this world we were,
Just to suffer our own thoughts,
Thought we’d stumble around and find a cure,
Didn’t know that we were lost,
I look at you and love you, but I hate you just the same,
Because you are my tether to this earth,
You are my joy you are my pain

I was home and all alone,
Laid and thought about the days we spent recalling all our pain,
Front porch talking about when we work again,
And how we wish we could spend those hours wasted on the floor on each other,
But I know you don't have the time,
I'm a teenage love at best,
Bound to wash up in your dreams,
I'm just too much of a mess,
Keep me wrapped up in your thoughts,
I hope I pass the time,
But you just kept moving way too fast,
Just wish that I could hit rewind.